Chapter Three: 2013
I glanced down at the soft pale blue teddy bear I was holding in my hands. The tiny toy looked ridiculous in my large paw like hands. I knew I shouldn’t have been there, but my heart didn’t understand the path my mind took. For some reason I couldn’t get the two to align and be on the same page. The doors opened wide and I let out a heavy sigh as I stepped off the elevator, making my way down the corridor to the hospital nursery.
I stopped in front of the glass windows, my eyes glancing around in search of the baby that carried my name as his middle name, but he wasn’t there.
“You’re looking for the Pastore baby aren’t you?” I heard a soft voice say from behind me, forcing me to turn around and meet the nurse’s smiling face. “I remember you from this morning. I was just starting my shift when I saw you in that very exact spot, only having eyes for one baby,” she smiled. “All you proud dads have that same look.”
I stared at her blankly for a moment before finding my voice. “Do you know where he is?”
She nodded, her smile still plastered on her face as she spoke. “Room 32B, straight down the hall, last door on the right. He’s feeding with mom right now.”
“Thank you,” I said roughly, diverting my eyes down the hallway toward room 32B.
“Congratulations,” the nurse said before walking back towards the nurse’s station leaving me staring down the hallway. I asked myself a thousand times what the fuck I was doing, but couldn’t come up with an answer. It was one thing for me to be there for A and the kid last night, but visiting them now was another. I was torn between wanting desperately to see the two of them and being aware of the painful truth, I was no kind of good for either of them. If the kid’s father was a druggie, and in rehab, Adrianna had a long rough road ahead of her being a single mom. The last thing she needed was to get tangled in our fucking shit again. If there was one thing I knew for sure, it was that we loved one another passionately, wildly, and that fucking love … well … it was combustible. We loved each other so fiercely that we fucking destroyed each other.
Besides, what kind of role model would I be for her kid? I had nothing but heartache and broken promises to offer them. Not much changed in the three years I had been away; I was still the miserable, self-loathing, poisonous bastard I was the day they threw my ass in jail. However, maybe I was a little less selfish because I wasn’t willing to take Adrianna and ruin her again, no matter how much I wanted her. No matter how much I craved her. No matter how much I fucking loved her. Christ, I loved her.
Fuck it.
I turned around, determined not to inflict anymore fucking torture on myself, deciding to leave before anyone saw me. Yeah, that didn’t go according to plan. Nikki came bounding down the hallway, her arms full of blue balloons and baby blue gift bags. Which I was sure contained a shitload of expensive gifts for the newest addition to the Pastore clan. A moment later Victor and Grace stepped off the elevator. I wasn’t shocked to see Grace sporting the proud grandma smile.
However, I didn’t expect Victor to be any sort of happy about being a grandpa. It wasn’t all that long ago the bastard hated the thought of being a grandfather, or it could be he hated I was the one who had a hand in making him one. My emotions began to get the best of me and it felt as if my throat was closing in. I needed to get away from here, away from these people, away from all the reminders of the life I ruined.
“Anthony! Oh my God! Did you see the baby? Of course you saw the baby, Adrianna told us you basically delivered Luca,” Nikki said, excitedly.
“Yes Anthony, thank God you were there,” Grace added, offering me a heartwarming smile, her appreciation reflected in her eyes.
“You did good, son,” Victor said, meeting my gaze. I remained silent as I stared at him for a moment, nodding curtly.
“Is that for the baby?” Nikki said, motioning to the tiny teddy bear I was strangling with my fist.
“Yeah,” I cleared my throat before glancing down at the toy. “I’ve got to go,” my eyes searching around the hallway, desperate to find something else to look at instead of their happy faces. “I’ve got someplace I have to be, do me a favor and give this to the kid for me?” I directed at Nikki, offering her the teddy bear.
Nikki frowned slightly taking the soft toy from my hands and lifted her eyes to meet mine. “Are you sure you don’t want to give it to him yourself?” She took a step closer, lowering her voice to just a whisper. “I’m sure they both would love to see you.”
“Maybe I will swing by later, kid,” I responded, both of us knowing that I wouldn’t. I sighed heavily reaching into my pocket and pulled out a bag of Reece’s Pieces, handing them over to Nikki. “Give these to your sister,” I added, leaning into her and pressing a kiss to her cheek. I looked over at Grace and Victor, offered them a nod, and left them to bask in the glory of their new grandchild.
I stepped onto the elevator, ran my fingers through my hair, and punched the wood paneled wall. Anger coursed through every vein in my body, at least that’s what I told myself it was but when tears stung my eyes, I realized it wasn’t just anger but sorrow too.
*****
“Anthony I’m begging you not to do this!” Adrianna cried. Her mascara running down her beautiful face as she pleaded with me, clutching my shirt in her fists. She begged me not to turn my back on her and our relationship.
“It’s only for a little while baby,” I tried to reason, knowing there was no hope. The optimistic side of me, reminding myself it was only three years, and we were young. I’d be almost thirty and Adrianna would be only 25, we had our whole lives ahead of us. The realistic side of me, knowing three years was a long fucking time. A lot could change in three years; hell, my whole life was turned upside and that only took three minutes alone in a room with Victor, that fucking bastard. The man who I idolized half my life had managed to become the man I loathed the most. I took hold of her hands, prying her fingers from the death grip they had on my shirt before I bent my knees making my eyes level with hers.
“I don’t have a choice,” I said, gravely trying desperately to keep my shit together.
“You have a choice! You’ve always had a choice,” she said, through her tears. “You didn’t make the right decision years ago but you can now, you just need to choose me. Choose us.” She pleaded, lifting her hands to cradle my face in her palms. I tried to turn away, looking into her eyes, seeing all the love she had for me was too much. It was making this too hard but she wouldn’t let my eyes leave hers as she held my head straight. “We’ll leave here … together, you and me,” her voice sounding desperate.
“He’ll find us A” I cut her off. What was the point of leaving only to be dragged back when her old man caught up with us?
“I don’t care, let him find us,” she said choking back her sobs. “God, when are you going to stop living for him and live for yourself?” She cried out in frustration. “Goddamn it Anthony, can’t I be enough?”
Her words sliced through my heart, the thought of her believing that she wasn’t enough demolished me. She was more than enough; she was everything. I wanted to reassure her that her love made a broken degenerate like me whole for a long time. The truth was a leopard doesn’t change its spots. No matter how good Adrianna made me feel, I was still just a street guy with no future.
I didn’t get God’s plan for me, didn’t understand the path he was taking me on or the purpose of it. Why grant someone everything they wanted and needed in this world only to have it ripped away from them? I probably shouldn’t question him, I was a man, who in just a short time, made a lot of mistakes and still he gave me her. Although, I must’ve done something right, somewhere along the way to have this beautiful girl’s love. For the life of me I didn’t know what that something was. I did horrible, ugly things to people and never cared to know whether they deserved the pain they suffered at my hands. I guess walking away from her was my penance.
Adrianna thinks I’m choosing the mob over her b
ut I’m not. The choice has been robbed from me, her father has dictated my orders and there isn’t a fucking thing I can do to argue. I wonder if he’s just shipping me to the pen to keep me away from her. Surely a man like him wants better than me for his daughter. If I’m out of the picture, she can have a shot at meeting a straight and narrow guy. You know the type of guy that hates his job and is home every night at six o’clock for dinner.
“Do you remember our first date?” She asked, pulling me away from my thoughts. She seemed calmer, not sobbing so much, I hated to see her cry so I went along with it.
“The real one or the one you conned me into?” I asked hoarsely.
“The one I conned you into was still a real one,” she said, sadly brushing away her tears as she pulled herself together to find it in her to deliver her point. “My father knew you wanted to work for him and he played you. He led you to believe he was finally giving you a real piece of the pie when all he wanted you to do was drive me and Mikey to the movies.”
“I remember,” I whispered.
“Do you remember what I told you right before the movie started?” She asked, but for the life of me I couldn’t remember. “I told you I didn’t make decisions based on my father and that you shouldn’t either.” She dropped her hands from my face, interlocking our fingers as she stared up at me with pleading eyes. “You didn’t listen then but I’m asking you to listen now. Please don’t let him do this to you, to us.”
I stared at her for a beat before leaning in to touch my lips to her forehead, giving her hands a slight squeeze before releasing them. I lifted my hands to cradle her face, my thumb gently gliding along her bottom lip as I held her gaze. I stared at her face trying to memorize everything about her, which was a waste of time, because I’d never forget her. Never. All my days, whatever time I had on this earth, I’d always think of her; and when my time was up, I was even more certain I’d die remembering her face.
“I love you, Reese’s. I love you so fucking much,” I said roughly before closing my mouth over hers. Like so many times before, we did this dance, she wrapped one arm around my neck and clutched my shirt with her other hand. She pulled my body against hers eliminating any space between us, holding onto me for dear life. Her mouth was made to fit mine, just like the rest of her was made for me, every single inch. I kissed her with such a ferocious need, I felt it down to my core, my tongue desperate for her taste, tangled with hers. I continued to work her lips, kissing her like my life depended on it, feeling her grip tighten on my shirt as she sighed into my mouth. Stay with me, I silently pleaded with her hoping that if she remembered anything once I was gone, it was this kiss she remembered and the way she felt that moment.
I didn’t expect one kiss to get her through the next three years nor did I expect her to sit around and wait for me, but when she thought back on our love I wanted her to smile not cry.
I wanted her to think of me and know that I loved her hard, that I loved her with everything in me and when she doubted our relationship, I wanted her to look back and remember this moment.
I slowly pulled away from her, brushing away the single tear that fell from her eyes and slid down her cheek.
“I wanted to be enough,” she whispered. “I didn’t want to tell you and have you think the only reason I was telling you was to change your mind.”
My brows furrowed as I listened to the words coming from her mouth, trying to make sense of what she was saying.
“What are you talking about?” I asked softly, tucking the loose strands of her hair behind her ears.
She glanced down, losing her will to explain what she was trying to say.
“A?” I probed, lifting her chin with my index finger so that our eyes met.
“Anthony, I’m pregnant,” she whispered.
*****
The memories suffocated me as I stepped outside the hospital and greedily took a deep breath. I hadn’t been home forty-eight hours and already I was wishing I were back in prison rotting away. At least there I wouldn’t have the constant reminder of everything I lost staring me in the face. I closed my eyes for a moment trying to escape her, but like every other time I closed my eyes all I saw was Adrianna. If I had any balls I’d put a gun in my mouth and pull the trigger just to escape the misery I created for myself.
Chapter Four: 2013
I stared in sheer amazement at my beautiful baby boy swaddled and tucked safely against my breast. There was a time, not too long ago, I thought I’d never know the blessing of being a mother. I suppose that was the pessimistic side of me. After losing mine and Anthony’s baby I put it in my head that this moment would never happen. I’d never experience the joy of being a mother. It wasn’t like the doctors told me I’d have trouble getting pregnant after the miscarriage, or that I’d never carry a baby. It was my head telling me I was only destined for heartache. My little Luca was nothing short of a miracle in my eyes, it didn’t matter I was a single mother. He was the greatest thing to ever happen to me and I was so very grateful.
Even though I was basking in the glory of my son’s birth I couldn’t ignore the ache in my chest that still lingered over the loss of my first pregnancy. I don’t think the pain will ever go away and I’m sure the resentment I harbored from losing her wouldn’t either. I don’t know if she would’ve been a girl but in my dreams she is, maybe it’s my subconscious picturing Anthony with a daughter. There would have been nothing more beautiful than watching him with a little girl.
Except watching as he held my son for the first time, that might be the most beautiful moment I’ve ever witnessed in my life. It was a moment so tenderly carved into the chambers of my heart. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Anthony shared the birth of my son with me. Isn’t it funny how things just sort of work themselves out? The person I was five years ago or even three years ago, before Anthony left me, would have said it was fate. But I am not that girl anymore, the one who used to believe in fate and destiny. Not after my destiny was ripped from me.
I suppose I shouldn’t dwell on the past, if things hadn’t gone the way they had then I wouldn’t be holding this perfect baby in my arms. At least that’s what I have to tell myself now. It’s not just me fighting to move on with my life, I have to fight for this baby now too. I can’t fall apart or relive my past only for my world to shatter again. There is another life depending on me and I am all he has.
Some might say my taste in men is poor, at least my father would, the hypocritical bastard he is. My father is too much of a self-centered, egotistical animal to admit it, but he has no business judging Anthony nor Vinny, Luca’s dad. You see Anthony was just a misguided guy when I met him. He had good intentions, always did, but he was lost, and troubled. His dad left him, his mom and his sister at a very tender age. An age when a boy needs his dad to guide him on the path to being a man. The sad part is Anthony had so much potential to be a number of things. He could’ve taken so many different paths than the one he ultimately chose. I wish he could’ve seen what I saw in him all those years ago. I wish he could’ve seen how beautiful and big his heart is instead of always fighting against it.
Vinny isn’t a bad guy either, he’s no Anthony, but still he tried to be successful. He works for the stock market. When we first met he knew I was still hung up on Anthony. He saw a sad, broken girl and decided he wanted to be the one who made her whole again. Poor guy. He never had a chance, he may have been able to scoop up the broken pieces, but he never had the glue to put them together. There is only so much one can try before they give up hope. The result of Vinny losing hope ended with him turning to drugs. I can’t take all the blame. He had a problem before we met, never hid his recovery from me, but in the end he succumbed to his addiction. He fell back into his old habits and I never got over mine. We were destined to fail from the beginning. Accidents happen and I became pregnant with Luca. Vinny checked himself into rehab but I don’t hold much faith in his recovery. He doesn’t want to be a father but I didn�
��t give him a choice. I would never have an abortion, not after I had already lost one baby. In some ways I feel like God gave me this baby to get me by. I have purpose now.
“You are such a baby hog,” Nikki said with a huff, as she sat on the edge of the windowsill.
“Hardly,” I replied, leaning down nuzzling my sleeping bundle of joy. “Mom and Dad were the ones hogging him. Isn’t that right my sweet boy?” I cooed softly.
“Yeah and the moment they left you took the title,” she frowned, crossing her arms against her chest.
I lifted my head, glancing over at my little sister. “Fine, come and get your nephew.” I pretended to sound annoyed but the fact that my sister was already in love with my son made my heart swell. Her eyes lit up as she jumped off the windowsill, whipping out her pocket hand sanitizer before she sat on the edge of my bed. She held her arms out, biting her lip nervously as she waited for me to hand Luca over to her.
A soft gasp escaped Nikki’s lips once Luca was snuggling against her, wrapped tightly in her arms.
“A, my God he’s the most perfect little human,” she said in awe as she gazed down at him.
I couldn’t help the proud smile on my face. “He’s perfect isn’t he?”
She lifted her head, her eyes meeting mine as she smiled widely at me. “Thank you so much for making me an aunt.” Her voice catching in her throat, surprising me because Nikki wasn’t the emotional type.
“You’re welcome,” I whispered, giving her knee a slight squeeze.
“I can’t believe I missed his birth,” she said, while looking down at my son. “But you couldn’t wait to make your big entrance, could you?” She dipped her head, pressing her lips to Luca’s forehead. “Thank God Uncle Anthony was there to help you and your mommy.”
Forbidden Temptations (Tempted Series Book 2) Page 4