My own belief is that while humans have an innate territorial instinct as do other animals, we must learn to view our lovers and spouses as territory or possessions that can be owned like property and that we have a right to control. In other words, jealousy, like other emotions, has definite physiological roots, but the stimuli that trigger jealousy are almost entirely culturally determined. If we look at the behavior of our closest primate relatives, bonobo chimpanzees,10 we find that both males and females have numerous sex partners, and this doesn’t seem to create much conflict within the group. In fact, it appears that bonobos utilize sexual activity to defuse potential conflicts, for example, by sharing sexually prior to dividing up food.
Nevertheless, humans have such a long history of accepting sexual jealousy as inevitable that it’s difficult to simply talk ourselves out of it. Cultural programming may not be in our genes, but it operates at an unconscious level that cannot be easily shifted by rational thought. Still, by choosing a belief system that considers jealousy to be an inescapable part of our nature, we resign ourselves to allowing jealousy to control us. If instead we choose to believe that jealousy is learned, we open up the possibility of freeing ourselves from its tyranny.
JEALOUSY IS NOT BETRAYAL
Robert shared the following vivid dream with me. He was helping his friend Denise pack her belongings for an upcoming move. She invited him to make love with her. They were in bed when a large man burst into the room, raging and agitated. Robert was frightened and hid under the sheets, but the man knew he was there. Robert hadn’t seen this man before but guessed he might be Denise’s husband or boyfriend. Eventually, the man left, and Robert and Denise continued packing. They were moving her boxes into a garage or warehouse on a large concrete slab when the man reappeared and lunged at Robert, trying to strangle him. Robert sat on a box and extended his leg toward the approaching man, flinging him through the air. The man landed on his head, which smashed open on the concrete. Robert and Denise stared at the dead body in horror and disbelief. Robert had only been defending himself and had not intended to kill the man. Denise told him that they would have to find a way to make it look like an accident.
Many people might see this dream as a story about jealousy, but it could just as easily be a dream about betrayal told from the uncommonly heard perspective of “the other man.” In fact, much of the violence associated with jealousy could be more accurately attributed to the betrayal with which it’s often confused.
The primary issue in jealousy is fear of losing something, whether that’s exclusive sexual access, love, attention, reputation, self-esteem, or any of the jealousy triggers we’ll talk about later in this chapter. This threat of losing something important to the ego is scary enough for most people without mixing in an overlay of lies, withholds, and half-truths. Feelings of betrayal arise when trust has been shaken because of broken agreements, deception, or a perceived breach of faith. Because so many people are dishonest about their attraction to others or unilaterally break monogamous commitments to have secret affairs, jealousy and betrayal are often linked together.
In the previously described dream, Robert is apparently an innocent bystander, naively helping a friend and not intending to harm anyone. Denise may or may not have anticipated the intrusion of the raging man, and we don’t know the history of her relationship with him, but it seems that her taking a lover was not a negotiated agreement. Did she secretly take a lover to avoid a confrontation with her possessive husband? Or did she betray both men by staging the encounters that led to the death of the husband? Was the husband reacting to her moving out, to the sexual interlude, or both? Why does she suggest a cover-up to make it look like an accident when it apparently was an accident? The confusion and unanswered questions are typical of a betrayal scenario but need not be part of jealousy that arises in an atmosphere of full disclosure.
I once had a lover who felt both betrayed and jealous of my attraction to another man even though we had a very clear agreement to practice polyamory. He’d agreed to polyamory and thought it was what he wanted, but he still had the unconscious belief that loving more than one person at a time was wrong and evidence of unfaithfulness. If I really loved him, how could I be open to someone else? It was more of a shock to him than to me that the jealous thoughts and feelings he thought he’d transcended were still alive in him. His sense of betrayal turned out to be impossible to resolve, even though the jealousy quickly faded when it became obvious I wasn’t going to leave him for this other man.
Conversely, Izzie betrayed his lover Amelia by lying about his illicit affair with Sally and then labeled Amelia’s upset as jealousy. When he then urged Amelia to get over her jealousy so that the couple could embark on an open relationship, he greatly impeded both Amelia’s healing process and any prospect of transitioning to polyamory. Izzie needed to acknowledge his betrayal, demonstrate that he was taking responsibility for it, and ask Amelia’s forgiveness before considering working on the jealousy that might arise for both of them in a consensually open relationship.
JEALOUSY TRIGGERS
One of the most confusing things about jealousy is that while the bodily sensations of jealousy are very similar in everyone, varying mostly in intensity level, different people find that jealousy is triggered by different situations and different stimuli. In fact, some people feel that it’s not useful or valid to lump all these different experiences together and call them by one name. I disagree.
In my experience coaching thousands of people on how to cope with their jealousy and in my own relationships, labeling all the many variations on how and why jealousy shows up as a single phenomenon does help people to handle this challenge more effectively. For one thing, this prevents people from disregarding jealous feelings until they get so intense that they become unmanageable, as we discussed earlier. For another, it helps people empathize with a partner’s experience even when they do not share the same jealousy triggers. It also helps to short-circuit efforts to excuse or avoid taking responsibility for one’s own jealousy by demanding that a partner change instead of negotiating coping strategies together.
However, it is definitely important to discover what is triggering a person’s jealousy so that those involved can respond appropriately. Many people assume that the same things that make them jealous also make their partner(s) jealous. They then try to help by accommodating a loved one’s vulnerability but can end up doing or saying precisely the wrong thing.
Peter suffered from feelings of inadequacy. He’d always had trouble believing that he was good enough to deserve the love and loyalty of his wife Sarah. When they agreed to open their marriage after ten years of harmonious domestic life, Peter was the first to get involved with someone else. He’d suspected that he was bisexual for a long time and finally took the risk of exploring an intimate relationship with another man. Sarah was supportive and relieved to find that she felt happy about Peter’s having a new boyfriend. Then Peter, in a misguided effort to offer Sarah the reassurance that he would need if he were in her position, began telling Sarah that he didn’t really think that highly of Mitchell (which wasn’t true) and led her to believe that it was just a sexual attraction and certainly not love. Unfortunately, this had the exact opposite effect of what Peter intended. For Sarah, who was self-confident but proud, the thought that her husband was “sleeping around with just anyone” without any emotional involvement was intolerable and quickly led to a jealous outburst that frightened them both. Peter’s attempt to make Sarah more comfortable brought up her fear that Peter would become promiscuous, that others would find out, and that they would judge her to be promiscuous as well. In Sarah’s mind, bisexuality was honorable, but casual sex was not.
Dr. Ron Mazur, a former minister and sex educator, has aptly named and categorized a range of different jealousy triggers in his book The New Intimacy. In brief, he distinguishes the following types of jealousy, which are described much more fully in his valuable resource.
Al
l jealousy is not possessive jealousy, although this is sometimes assumed to be the case because this is the most dramatic manifestation of jealousy and the one most likely to lead to domestic violence. The characteristic attitude is, “I love you so much, I’d rather die or see you dead than know you love someone else.” Possessive jealousy is triggered by a perceived threat to exclusive possession of the love object, that is, a spouse. This type of jealousy is rarely an issue in polyamory because someone who is completely unwilling to consider sharing a partner under any circumstances finds consensual nonmonogamy unthinkable.
Possessive jealousy should not be confused with fear jealousy, which is common, although need not be present, in both monogamous and polyamorous relationships. The concern here is loss of a partner to someone else. Images of rejection, loneliness, and scarcity usually accompany the primary fear of loss. The trigger for this type of jealousy can be any indication that a partner prefers someone else, in contrast to possessive jealousy, in which attraction alone is the problem. In fear jealousy, other attractions are not threatening if there is confidence that there’s no threat of being replaced. The unspoken assumption here is that engaging in sex makes falling in love more likely and that falling in love with a new person means falling out of love with an existing partner. This may in fact be true for some people but not for others regardless of their identity as monogamous or polyamorous. If fear jealousy is present, a deeply felt renewal of trust and commitment will alleviate jealousy at least temporarily. I always remind people suffering from fear jealousy that their pain really has very little to do with the other love interest, whether or not sex is involved. They could just as easily lose their beloved through death from a sudden illness or accident. The message of fear jealousy is that you’ve come to depend more on your partner than on yourself for security and self-worth. It’s best addressed by taking time to feel one’s own center, cultivating other support systems, and focusing on the present moment rather than worrying about the past or the future.
In competition jealousy, fear of loss may also be present, but the primary problem is that the jealous person keeps comparing him- or herself with another lover or potential lover and feels inadequate. The trigger is the thought that “I’m not good enough” or simply “I’m not enough,” which is usually an old story that has been reactivated by present circumstances. Reassurance that a partner won’t leave doesn’t help much to alleviate internal feelings of being undeserving of love since what the jealousy is revealing is the need to see through the core story of not good enough. Getting to know the other lover can help dispel the illusion that he or she is superior. Sometimes this type of jealousy can be easily managed by allowing the jealous person to create an “approved list” of nonthreatening lovers for his or her partner to choose from.
Ego jealousy is almost the polar opposite of competition jealousy. In this type of jealousy, the intensity of jealousy may increase instead of decrease if the other lover is seen as unworthy or disagreeable in some way because the underlying issue is a concern about what others will think. If one’s partner is connecting with a desirable lover, one can bask in the reflected glory, at least in polyamorous circles. Otherwise, a person with ego jealousy may not be disturbed by sharing a partner as long as no one else knows about the situation but is afraid of being judged inadequate or powerless by others. The trigger for this type of jealousy is always the potential for being seen in a negative light by others. The core of this type of jealousy is pride, and while it’s easily managed by negotiating appropriate agreements, its message is to learn to love and accept one’s own vulnerability and cultivate humility.
Sophia and Rick had enjoyed an open marriage for twelve years. During this time, each has had other relationships separately and sometimes dated as a couple as well. Sophia is an attractive and confident woman who was proud that she’d never been jealous or possessive of Rick. She was much admired for this in the sexually open circles in which they’d always found their other partners. When Rick began a relationship with a woman he’d met at a business conference, Sophia experienced jealousy for the first time. “His business associates are bound to notice,” she complained. “They don’t know what kind of relationship we have, that we’ve done this kind of thing for years, and they just won’t understand. I’m afraid they’ll think he’s cheating on me.”
Exclusion jealousy, which is sometimes also called time jealousy, is very common in polyamory. Like ego jealousy, people often resist identifying this variation as a form of jealousy, but the bodily sensations and behaviors are often indistinguishable from other types of jealousy. The issue is not reluctance to share a partner but rather fear that others are not going to share with you in turn. Sometimes there is a desire to be included at all times instead of having separate dates. Exclusion jealousy is triggered when the jealous person feels that he or she is being left out of the fun or deprived of equal time and attention. This kind of jealousy can be especially intense when a new and exciting lover has recently arrived, and the perception of neglect is real. When this is the case, I coach people to remember that “new relationship energy” is temporary but intoxicating. A partner can easily get carried away by new relationship energy but eventually will come to his or her senses. A long-term partner has a history of commitment and loyalty that no newcomer can match, while any new love can get those euphoric neurotransmitters pumping. It takes some maturity and willingness to surrender control, but that’s what this form of jealousy is asking of us. Sometimes time jealousy can be managed by scheduling “date nights” when all partners see outside lovers at the same time or by prioritizing quality time with an existing partner before seeing others.
JEALOUSY AND THE PARENTAL TRIANGLE
Glamorous Rachael had recently left a ten-year open marriage with Henry, an older man who was a popular workshop leader and therapist. She approached Bev and Gene about developing an intimate relationship with them and went out of her way to cultivate a friendship with Bev before requesting permission for a sexual encounter with Gene. Bev and Gene had been lovers for five years. They were strongly bonded with an agreement that each could include others sexually. Bev and Gene chose not to live together, partly to facilitate their open relationship. When Rachael suggested that they all have a three-way date the following week, Bev readily agreed. On the afternoon of their date, Rachael stopped by to visit Gene and ended up having sex with him and coaxing an ejaculation from Gene, who had a strong preference for nonejaculatory orgasms. When Rachael and Gene showed up at Bev’s home for the planned date, Gene was feeling withdrawn and sexually depleted and suggested that they go to a movie instead of making love as planned. Bev tried to be accepting and understanding, but jealousy overtook her, and she had a “hissy fit,” as she put it. When she later consulted me for help in “curing” her unanticipated jealous reaction, she was confused and bewildered. “I can’t understand it,” she sobbed. “I thought Rachael was my friend, and I was excited about getting closer to her. Gene wasn’t that enthusiastic about her at first, but now he doesn’t want to agree to stop seeing her.”
A woman who tends to be competitive with other women often had a mother who didn’t support her feminine expression. Both mother and daughter are insecure in their own power as women. This kind of mother may have been jealous of her husband’s attention to the daughter or fearful of incest because of her own background and try to come in between them. She’s threatened by her daughter’s innocent childlike sexuality and may punish it because she feels uncomfortable with and cut off from her own sexuality. A woman who had a mother like this must try very hard to appear feminine and sexy to make up for her inner doubts. She’s often seductive and flirtatious but doesn’t really want the man once she has him. She tends to play a submissive role with a dominant man whom she ends up resenting and fearing. She desperately needs the support of other women but has trouble getting it because she’s always competing with women to win the prize of male attention.
When this type of
woman is unaware of her inner dynamics, she often imagines that she wants a relationship with an established couple. Consciously, she may be seeking a close relationship with a woman who will be the supportive “good mother” and role model she didn’t find with her own mother and who will protect her from becoming lost in the man’s orbit. Unconsciously, her agenda is to reenact her childhood drama and to take Daddy away from Mommy. Sometimes the woman in the couple will sense this and become inexplicably jealous. If she overrides her intuition, she may find that the newcomer who seemed so agreeable has seduced her partner away while refusing any intimacy with her. Meanwhile, the interloper justifies distancing from the coupled woman on the grounds that she’s too angry and emotionally unsafe.
A man whose father was insecure in his masculinity and was constantly trying to prove his worth by competing with other males, including his son, also tends to have a difficult time with same-gender cooperation in poly-amorous relationships. This type of man, who can often be described as dominant, alpha, or macho, enjoys having a harem of adoring women but has trouble sharing their affections with other men. Like his father before him, the son didn’t get the male support he desperately needed because his father viewed him as a threat to be battled for the love and attention of the boy’s mother. As an adult, if he hasn’t consciously transformed his childhood patterns, he will deny that he’s jealous while unconsciously competing with any man his partner tries to introduce into their relationship. He will often deny any responsibility for driving prospective partners away and project his competitiveness onto the other man. The scenario of the other man whose agenda is to “cut that little filly out of the herd” is also a common one in men with unresolved father issues. His target can be either a monogamous or an open couple or a powerful man who has acquired more than one woman. He often loses interest in the woman once he’s wooed her away from her partner.
Polyamory in the 21st Century: Love and Intimacy With Multiple Partners Page 15