“Nancy, you cannot take Lesley into spirit with you. I know you’re lonely, I can sense that well enough. But you mustn’t project your feelings and thoughts onto her any longer. You must leave. Your true home is in the light. You’ll be happier there than here. And you won’t be alone, not anymore.”
Ruby held her breath – if Lesley didn’t hit the roof, Steve probably would at what she was intimating: that Nancy wanted to kill Lesley, by manipulating her, by making her feel as she did, by driving her to suicide. She had a sudden vision of her career in tatters if she couldn’t pull this off. After Gilmore Street, the last thing she should do is alienate more people.
Although Lesley and Steve looked shocked, as indeed did Cash, they remained silent – Ruby felt like crying now, with relief. Even so, she started to apologise for her words but Lesley shook her head.
“It’s okay. To be honest, I guessed that’s what she was trying to do. I… well, I have been having thoughts lately.”
“Sweetheart…”
Lesley graced Steve with a smile, “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do anything, I wouldn’t leave you, you know that. And I’m not angry at Nancy, not at all. I just feel so damned sorry for her. I’ve never suffered from depression, the black dog as they call it. I’ve never understood it. But I do now and it is, it’s unbearable.” Wiping at her eyes, she asked Ruby if she might stand. “Tell me where she is, I want to talk to her myself.”
Lesley’s generosity was mind-blowing. Ruby recalled how long they’d been living here with Nancy, a good few months now, Lesley’s mood deteriorating steadily all the while. Yet she wasn’t angry, not even at the threat of what Nancy ultimately wanted from her. In some people kindness reigned, anger didn’t stand a chance. Ruby both admired and envied that. Informing Lesley that Nancy was right behind her, Lesley did indeed stand up.
“I’ve never done this before,” she glanced only briefly at Ruby as she said it, her soft voice filling the otherwise silent room, “I’ve never spoken to her. Perhaps I should have done. It felt a bit, you know… strange.”
“I do know,” replied Ruby, “but if you could, I think it would help.”
Lesley cleared her throat. “Okay, here goes. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.” She couldn’t know it but you’d be hard pushed to get a hand between Nancy and Lesley’s faces. Their noses were almost touching. “Nancy, I’m so sorry for the misery you suffered in life. I’m so sorry that the happiness that I enjoy passed you by. That’s what you meant isn’t it, when you said why not me? You want to know why you couldn’t be happy too. But so many people aren’t and it’s not their fault. It’s not your fault either. Depression is… a burden. I think that’s the best way of describing it. And some people tire of carrying it. And do you know what? I don’t blame them.”
Whilst Lesley imparted her heart-felt words, Ruby looked at Cash. Her heart swelled at the sight of him. His eyes were shiny too, a reflection of her own no doubt, and Steve’s. She wondered whether she should intercept, try and ‘steer’ Lesley, but decided against it. Nancy was listening too intently.
“Life is overwhelming, even I feel that at times. It’s not for everyone. In fact, I sometimes think a lot of people are too good for this world. It can be harsh, completely crazy and dangerous too. Even so, I want to carry on living in it for a while longer. And that’s the difference between us, Nancy. I don’t want to join you. I’m sorry you were lonely, I don’t think you deserved to be but people are strange sometimes, they don’t reach out to others, even when perhaps they know they should. Too busy I suppose, and sometimes just too blinkered. So many people go through life unaware rather than uncaring, their sight turned inwards, their concern only for themselves. But I’ve learnt something by knowing you, to keep an eye out for others, to notice signs that might suggest all is not well and to help where I can. There’s a woman who lives along the road, she’s old and she lives alone. Maybe I’ll bake her a cake or something.” Lesley laughed. “She’ll probably think I’m mad, wonder what the heck I’m doing but then again, she might not. She might invite me in for a slice and a cup of coffee. She might fancy a bit of a chat.” She shrugged. “You never know unless you try.” Growing serious again, she gestured towards Ruby. “She said you’ve got a home to go to, a true home, not this one. I think she means somewhere like heaven, where you’ve people waiting for you. Why don’t you go towards it, Nancy? You weren’t happy here, so what’s the point in hanging around, prolonging the agony? And as I’ve told you, I’m not coming with you, not yet. Go, Nancy, but thank you because you’ve taught me to be a better person.”
Ruby decided she had to say something and rose to her feet too.
“Nancy, suicide is not the ultimate sin some belief systems teach. There’s no need to be afraid. You belong in the light and you always have done.”
Nancy’s eyes held Lesley’s but slowly she turned her body towards Ruby, no longer ignoring her – or so transfixed. Ruby seized her chance.
“Nancy, you’ve done nothing wrong. Go home and rest awhile. It’s time.”
It took a few more moments – moments in which everyone living could barely breathe, the anticipation was so intense – but slowly, slowly Nancy started to step back, away from Lesley, retreating farther into the kitchen, becoming less substantial as she did so, fading. But before she disappeared, Ruby saw that she looked younger, much younger, the pain that had aged her beginning to fade too. Any trace that remained would hopefully evaporate when the light overwhelmed her instead of life.
“The room feels lighter.” Lesley looked around in awe. “It feels like… mine. Did we do it? Did we send her home?”
“You did it,” Ruby said, also feeling bolstered.
“Me? Seriously?”
“Seriously, Lesley. You did a great job.”
Chapter Fifteen
Determined to make the most of the late afternoon and evening together, Ruby and Cash reclaimed Sunday. Before switching her phone off, she’d rung Corinna to see if she and Presley could make that drink they’d talked about the previous night. Corinna was delighted.
“But no work talk, Ruby. Promise?”
Ruby frowned. Was she really the workaholic they all insisted she was? She decided against querying it – she was in too good a mood.
The evening went well, the four of them bagging a table in the window of the Rights of Man pub and chatting amiably before heading further up the road to an Italian restaurant for a meal and even more wine. By the time Ruby and Cash were on their way home, Ruby’s head was swimming, but it felt good, the amount she’d drunk giving her an excuse to act silly as she pulled an uncomplaining Cash through the front door and slammed it shut.
“Tell me, Cash,” she said, draping herself over him in the hallway, “are you really too good to be true?”
“You keep asking me this, babe,” he replied, his eyes more serious than hers, “but no, I’m not.”
“I don’t keep asking!”
“You imply it.”
“That’s not the same.”
“It’s as good as.”
She screwed up her nose. “Are you sure though? You haven’t got some deep, dark secret tucked away, something that will float to the top eventually and blow us out of the water? Ruin everything that we have?”
“You’re doing it again.”
“Doing what?”
“Letting paranoia get the better of you.”
She started to protest but he stopped her.
“Ruby, stop. We’ve had a great evening, let’s just… continue to enjoy it.”
She had turned coquettish. “Oh, and what do you have in mind?”
Sweeping her off her feet, ignoring her yelping protests, he carried her through to the bedroom and threw her on the bed. Stripping his tee shirt off, he stood before her, his caramel skin taut across his chest.
“Regarding what I have in mind, Miss Davis, take a wild guess.”
Cash had risen first the next morning, muttering as he got out of b
ed about the hell of early work appointments. Mondays were largely given over to admin for Ruby, there was nothing pressing, so she decided to sleep in for another hour or so and get to the office for ten. It’d been a heavy weekend, in more ways than one, and her body was screaming for more duvet time.
Later on, after showering, dressing and with a piece of marmite-slathered toast still in her hand, she let herself out of her flat. The toast in her mouth, the key in the lock, she heard a voice close behind her.
“Ruby, I hope you don’t mind—”
“What?”
She spun round. It was Ellie, the morning sunlight bouncing off her hair, making it seem almost golden, and a tentative smile on her face. Ruby was stunned. She may have found out her mobile number from a business card but she sure as hell didn’t have her home address on there! Hastily removing the toast from her mouth, she didn’t bother to beat about the bush this time.
“How do you know where I live?”
“I… erm…”
“Well?”
“I’m staying not far from you, just round the corner, in Leicester Street. I’ve seen you coming and going. Lewes, it’s a small place.”
She was about to disagree, it wasn’t that small, but then what Cash had said the previous night came to mind, about letting her paranoia get the better of her. Paranoia, pride, insecurity – all attributes she was allowing to dominate. She needed to watch that. It was perfectly feasible Ellie had seen her come and go several times. And she may well have seen Ellie, but not registered that fact. After all, there was nothing about Ellie that stood out. She wasn’t being mean, just honest. Looking down at herself she wondered what it was about her that stood out – certainly not the clothes she liked to wear: jeans, boots, tee shirts and jumpers, she was unremarkable and deliberately so. Being that way put her clients at ease.
“Well… erm… how can I help you, Ellie? They had another regression session booked but not until Wednesday.
“I wondered if we could go for a coffee to talk about another dream I’ve had.”
“Well, we can talk about that on Wednesday, perhaps meet a bit earlier. Right now, I’ve got to get to the office.”
“Please, just a coffee, it won’t take long.”
And there it was again, that thread of steel running through her, so at odds with her more vulnerable side. Ruby wondered what to do. She’d rather leave it until Wednesday but saying no to this girl was proving difficult. Again she had that sense of unease. What was it about Ellie that set her on edge? There was definitely some kind of threat but was it real or imagined? All the girl was suggesting was a quick coffee, would that be so bad?
“Okay,” Ruby conceded. “We’ll go to that café around the corner, but I’ll have to be quick. I really do have a busy day ahead of me.”
“I understand,” Ellie replied. “Thank you.”
Ruby started walking and Ellie fell into step beside her. The girl kept glancing at her and smiling, a ‘grateful’ sort of smile. Ruby felt uncomfortable because of it, disingenuous even. It was a good job Ellie couldn’t read minds.
Thankfully, it was just five minutes to the café. Enough time to comment on the weather – it was pleasantly mild promising a good summer to come – and how busy the streets of Lewes were, with everyone getting into the stride of a new week. Ruby asked if Ellie had had a good weekend, she said it had been quiet. They were through the door before Ellie could ask about hers.
Selecting a table near the window, they ordered their drinks.
“Any food to go with that?” the waitress asked disinterestedly.
Ruby shook her head. Let’s keep this short and sweet.
As the waitress retreated, Ruby noticed Ellie twisting a silver ring round and round the finger on her right hand – a nervous habit perhaps? At least she was leaving the sore patch on her arm alone.
“Ellie, your latest dream…” Ruby prompted.
Ellie straightened up. “Oh yes, yes, of course. It’s strange you know, but before I go to sleep at night, I just know I’m going back to my previous life. It’s like it won’t let me go. Not until I find out what happened to me, until I’m brave enough to remember it all. But slowly it’s becoming clearer, bit by bit.”
“Like a jigsaw,” Ruby suggested, “it’s starting to fall into place.”
The girl’s face lit up. “That’s exactly what it’s like. I knew you’d understand! There are still gaps in it. Big gaping holes in fact, but I’m getting there. With your help.”
“And Ness’s,” Ruby reminded. “Ailsa too.”
“Yeah, the three of you. Some feel their future is in good hands with certain people. Well, with you three, my past is.” She paused for a second. “If I was dealing with this alone, I don’t know, I’d be lost right now. I’d be so confused.” The look on her face told Ruby she genuinely meant this.
The waitress returned and set their drinks down in front of them, pointing afterwards to the sugar and sweeteners.
Lifting her cup and taking a sip, Ruby savoured the richness of it. The café might hire surly waitresses but the coffee they served was second to none.
Ellie too took a sip but then pushed her cup aside, still intent on trying to make sense of what was happening. “The dreams… the snapshots… it’s like looking through a window. Sometimes there’s frost on it and everything’s obscured, other times it’s crystal clear. This man I’m afraid of, there were happier times with him. In one of the snapshots, we were laughing, I mean really laughing. He’d said something funny, made a joke or something.”
Remembering how controlling he’d been on their wedding day, Ruby asked, “Did he ever laugh at any of your jokes?”
“I… don’t know. Why?”
“Because the relationship the way you’ve described it so far seems to be a one-way street. It’s his way or the highway.”
“Yeah, it does, I agree.”
“And we know it turned to shit, the minute you stepped over the threshold into your marital home. That was your recollection, your words exactly. You’ve also seen scenes, sorry snapshots, with blood in them, your blood you think. We know it didn’t just go wrong, Ellie. It went horribly wrong.”
Ellie paled at the memory. “It did. But what I’m trying to say is that there were good times also. They might have been on his terms, but from what I can see, what I can remember, I had feelings of love for him once.”
“Love can be blind though,” Ruby replied, feeling the need to remain down to earth with Ellie. After all, the whole point of the exercise was to uncover an unsolved crime, not get caught up in the hearts and flowers of it all.
“It’s still important,” Ellie insisted. “It helps me to understand.”
“Understand what?”
“The person behind the monster. It helps me not to be so scared. And if I’m not so scared perhaps I’ll get a stronger vision of him – his name even. We’ll be able to identify him.”
“We’ll need his forename and surname for that. And even then, it might not lead anywhere. You have to be prepared to accept that, Ellie. This could all be for nothing.”
“I don’t think so,” she shook her head as she said it.
Ruby stood firm too. “We’ve said it before, both Ness and I, sometimes the past should remain where it is. Digging it all up again—”
“You said you’d help.”
“I said I’d sit in for a couple more sessions and see where that gets us. After that, the case is up for review.” She couldn’t hide her exasperation. “We haven’t even got a location, Ellie, or a timeframe.”
“We know it’s a seaside town because of the gulls circling overhead. We know there’s a pier, the one he wanted to find work on.”
“Lots of seaside towns have piers, so it could be anywhere in the UK.”
“Okay,” conceded Ellie, “but regarding timeframe, I think I’ve cracked it.”
“Oh?”
“In last night’s dream, I’m standing in front of a mirror, looking
at myself. It’s such a strange sensation, like I’m a passenger inside, hitching a lift, gazing outwards. I’m in a bedroom, a girl’s bedroom and there are posters plastered all over the walls. I’ve got my radio on. It’s my bedroom, I think, at my parents’ house. I know what I’m doing; I’m going to meet him. I’m getting all dressed up.” Ruby noticed Ellie’s eyes growing misty as she recalled. “I’m so excited to see him again. Oh, that feeling! I’ve had boyfriends in this life, as Ellie I mean. Well I’ve had a couple, but I’ve never felt the way I do in these dreams. It’s like I’m on fire, Ruby, like I’m burning up! He’s so handsome. I don’t think he knows how much. It just doesn’t register with him. He’s got the sort of looks you dream about – hero looks. He’s different, he’s dark, he’s mysterious, he’s edgy you know? Not like the boys on my wall.”
Despite herself, Ruby was intrigued. “Ellie, the posters, who’s on them?”
It was as though Ellie had gone into a trance again, as though she were in the midst of regression. Ruby pushed her cup aside too, only half-drunk.
“Ellie,” she prompted.
“Clean cut boys, four of them, there’s wording just above them, the Fab Four. It’s the Beatles isn’t it? That’s what they used to call them.”
“You mentioned a radio,” Ruby felt like she’d stepped into Ailsa’s shoes. “What’s playing? The Beatles?”
“No, it’s another song, but I don’t recognise it or who’s singing it.”
“Never mind,” Ruby said, “we can always come back to that another time. Tell me what you’re wearing in this particular… dream.”
“I’ve had my hair freshly done, it’s bobbed, sleek. I’m pleased with how shiny it is. I’m dressed in a pale blue jumper and darker trousers. They’re navy, tapered. On my feet are slip-ons. I think I look nice, like I’ve just stepped out of a magazine. I hope he likes my new look. I hope he’s proud of me. I’m so excited. I’m hugging myself. I can barely breathe.”
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