“Stop trying to push me away.”
“Stop trying to save me!”
“I can’t!”
“Why?”
“BECAUSE YOU’RE MINE!”
Beth took a step back, shock written all over her face. Her eyes widened and began to glisten with the tears she was trying to hold back. “Why would you think that?” she asked. “I’m not yours. I’m not anybody’s.”
“You’re wrong, Beth.” Although I wanted to reach out and touch her so badly, I stopped myself. “You’re so fucking wrong.” I clasped my hands behind my head and blew out a frustrated breath while looking up at the ceiling. After a minute, I brought my eyes back down to look at the girl in front of me. She was crying now, and seeing her tears tore me into pieces.
“You know what I was thinking about on the ride back?” I said gently.
She shook her head, not speaking. I’m not even sure she could at this point. She looked completely wrecked.
“I was thinking that I wish this had been a real date.” I made my way over to her and didn’t stop until we were standing inches apart. “Because then I would be able to do this.” I brought my hands up to touch her face and studied her hazel eyes that held sorrow and pain behind them. I ran my fingers through her silky hair and then tucked the long pieces back behind her ears, and rested my palms on her cheeks again.
“And I would be able to do this.” I caressed her bottom lip with the pad of my thumb.
“And this.” I kissed a fallen tear, tasting the saltiness on my lips, while I gently wiped away the ones that fell behind it.
“If this were a real date, I would tell you that I would call you tomorrow, but what I would really mean is I’ll call you in about…” I looked at my watch, “…two hours and fifteen minutes because then it would officially be tomorrow and I know I couldn’t wait until the sun comes up to hear your voice again.”
“Hayden–”
“But it’s not a real date. So I can’t do all the things I want to do. I’m going to keep trying, though, Beth, because that’s what I want with you. I don’t care how hard you try to push me away, I’ll always come back. You don’t see what I see. You see something that’s distorted and broken. That’s not real. What’s real is this.” I placed her hand over my heart and held it there with both hands. “It beats for you, Beth. You’re inside my heart now, and nothing you say or do can change that. I know it sounds crazy and dumb and it shouldn’t make any sense, but none of that matters because I love you and I have for a long time. You’re it for me, and I’m it for you, and although I know you aren’t ready for that yet, you will be. I’ll get you ready for me…one slow, excruciating day at a time.”
I held her hand to my chest while I leaned in and kissed her forehead. I pulled back, not wanting to let go, yet knowing I had to. I wanted to give her time to process everything I had said. I backed away slowly. She remained unmoving, frozen to the spot I left her.
I moved towards the door and turned the knob without looking back. “I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll start again.”
Beth
After the door closed, I stood, staring at it for long minutes.
What just happened?
My head was spinning. I felt like I was balancing myself on a high wire and the next step I took would be the step that caused me to fall, so I sat on the floor in the same place where I had been standing. I put my head in my hands, resting my elbows on my knees. Something inside the cavity of my chest opened. I could feel it and I thought for sure it would feel like an empty gaping hole once that place was ever exposed.
It didn’t feel empty, though. It felt full, like something inside me was filling up and there was so much that it spilled over. A warm sensation traveled through my veins, pumping through my body until it reached my toes. It coursed its way back up, warming every part of me along the way, until it came back to the place it had begun – my heart. On impact, there was another feeling that came over me, one I never thought I’d ever experience. It felt foreign, yet, it felt like it was there all along, waiting to be released.
I lifted my head and stared at the door once more. Everything around me felt magnetic and I was being pulled towards something. I stood, and without thinking, made my way to the door. Once there I placed my hand on it and touched my cheek to it, instantly feeling the coolness on my skin. I closed my eyes and counted my breaths.
I reached for the lock…turned it, and listened for the sound it made. And for the first time, it wasn’t the sound of me locking out the world while I suffered quietly inside.
It was the sound of a heart being unlocked.
My heart.
And Hayden owned the key.
Beth
I don’t how long I stood there in the dark trying to summon the courage, but I eventually did the thing I had come to do. I knocked on the door, and then, taking a step back, pulled my jacket tighter around me while I waited. I needed answers and I needed them tonight. I heard a dog barking, followed by shuffling around inside. From the corner of my eye I saw someone peek through the seam of the curtain in the front window, and was suddenly bathed in light when the porch light came on. The chain on the door rattled and, with a turn of the knob, the door opened and I was standing in front of Hayden.
He was pulling the t-shirt down over his chest, “Beth, what are you doing here? Is everything all right? It’s two o’clock in the morning.”
“You said you loved me.” I looked at my feet. “I have questions.”
“Come inside.”
“I know it’s late, I just…I need to understand.”
“Beth, come inside. Please.” Hayden reached for my hand, pulling me forward, and opening the door wider so I could pass through. Standing in his home now, I realized that with all the questions I had, I couldn’t think of any of them. I regarded the room, making a gradual sweep, noting the modern looking furniture. It wasn’t too modern in the sense of being sterile or cold, the room was more simplistic than anything. I browsed around his space, envisioning how Hayden lived when he was all alone.
Hayden cleared his throat from behind me. “Have a seat, Beth. Can I get you anything to drink?”
I turned to face him, needing to look at him. I mean really look at him. See him for the man he is. I’d not allowed myself that privilege until now. Hayden is extraordinary. I’d always thought so. You would think wearing a t-shirt and pajama pants would make him look less intimidating. You would be wrong. Nothing makes him look less intimidating.
I shook my head and sat in the chair on the farthest side of the room. Enough of a distance to create the illusion of distance. “I’m fine, thank you.”
I had barely taken my seat when out of nowhere a humongous dog came and placed his face in my lap. The dog snuffed and looked up at me. “He doesn’t bite does he?”
“No. He’s a gentle giant. Dozer, come’ere,” Hayden called, sitting across from me.
“His name is Dozer?”
“Yep.”
“Why Dozer?”
“When he was a puppy he was like a bulldozer. He used to run into everything. He doesn’t do that anymore, though.” Hayden smiled and petted Dozer on the head. “Lie down,” he commanded, and the dog obeyed. Watching Hayden interact with Dozer made me think of Buster, the dog I had when I was a child. I hadn’t let myself think about him in a long time.
“I didn’t know you had a dog.”
Hayden nodded. “I know. There’s a lot we still don’t know about each other.”
“You’re right. There is. That’s what confuses me.”
“What do you mean?”
“How could you love someone you know so little about? I’m not sure what to do with that. I mean…me – you – we’ve never dated or even kissed. I don’t understa–”
“We’ve kissed.”
“I don’t think that counts, Hayden. There was the one time under the mistletoe. You kissed me because it was the rule. The second time was…well I don’t know what that w
as.” It was hard to make direct eye contact with Hayden, so I looked at the dog lying on the floor beside him.
“I shouldn’t have.”
My eyes darted from the dog up to Hayden’s soft blue ones. “Shouldn’t have what?”
“I shouldn’t have kissed you the other night. I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
A sharp pain hit me right in the heart at his admission. I nodded, more for me than him. Even though I had conflicting feelings about that kiss, it still hurt that he regretted it.
“But the mistletoe. You think I only did that because it was the rule?”
“Didn’t you? That’s what…that’s what you said.” I wrote about it in my diary.
He stared back at me. For each second that ticked by, I felt myself falling under his spell, and falling apart at the same time.
“You wanna know what I was really thinking, Beth?”
Slowly, I nodded, now unable to take my eyes off him.
“I was thinking how badly I wanted you to feel what I was feeling.”
“What were you feeling?”
Hayden leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees, and let his head fall into his hands.
“Tell me,” I said softly.
He lifted his head and blew out a breath. “Do you remember that time I came to visit you at Sal’s Diner? It was a couple of months after we met.
“Yes.”
“I lied to you.”
I blinked a couple times. “Wh-what do you mean?” I stammered “Lied about what?”
“I told you I stopped by because I was in the area. That wasn’t the truth. The truth is I was working a job clear across town. It took me over thirty minutes to cross town in traffic that day. I wasn’t in the area. I wanted to see you. That’s the truth of it, and I didn’t want to wait until the next Sunday at Joe’s before I saw you again.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I don’t know, Beth. I didn’t think…I didn’t think you saw me like that, and I was afraid that if you knew I liked you…like that…that you would…I dunno…stop coming to Joe’s. I was afraid of scaring you away.”
“How long have you liked me like that?” I tried to think back on all of the times we’d hung out together and I couldn’t think of a single time that Hayden ever showed that he might be interested in me. Not once. Or was I that blind to it all?
“You want the truth?”
I nodded. “That’s why I’m here.”
“Since the first time you smiled at me.”
I let those words settle between us for a moment, and then conjured the nerve to ask, “And when did you…” I looked absently at my hands and rubbed them together nervously. “When did you…”
“Fall in love with you?” Hayden finished for me.
“Yeah,” I whispered.
“The second time you smiled at me.”
I swallowed back the emotion I felt bubbling to the surface. I closed my eyes and listened to the low baritone of his voice when he asked, “Does that scare you?”
“You never let me know. I never knew.”
“I know. I’m letting you know now. Does that scare you, Beth?”
“Why? How? I mean, why me? I don’t think I understand.” I stood, walked over to his living room window, and peered outside, hugging myself while I flipped through memories of us together.
Like Hayden could read my mind, he came up behind me and put his hands on my shoulders. “I never even looked at another woman after meeting you. I couldn’t. You were all I saw. Even before then, if I’m being honest. No one else ever made me feel anything before. But you did, Beth, and it all started with your smile. I don’t know why, but when you smile at me…”
“What? When I smile at you what?”
“It’s like the North Star. It leads me home.”
I turned around to face him, not sure what I wanted to say. His eyes appeared like glass, the lightest blue I’d ever seen, and burned with a fierce determination that cut right through me. I believed him. I believed every word he was telling me. And yes, that scared me.
“Don’t say anything,” Hayden said, keeping his eyes fixed on mine. “You came here because you needed answers, so let me give them to you.” Hayden turned and began pacing the space between us. I returned to my former seat and sat.
“We were at the bar, the night Lily sang on stage for the first time, and you sat beside her. That was the first night I met you. I noticed you immediately. I remember thinking… who is this girl? Later, I learned you were Lily’s friend and you two worked together. That was when you smiled at me, and for a split second, I lost myself.” Hayden shook his head and glanced my way. “Do you remember when Joe invited you to his house that Sunday for a cookout?”
I nodded.
“I asked him to do that. I knew you were someone I wanted to get to know. And every Sunday after that, I watched you.” He chuckled to himself and held up his right palm. “Please don’t take that wrong. I mean, I paid attention…to you. You have this thing you do with your nose when you laugh. When you drink from a straw, you always bite the end of it. And when you leave a gathering, you make a point to tell each person in the room goodbye, face to face, and then you seal it with a hug. Every time.” A faint smile clung to the edge of Hayden’s lips. “I always looked forward to my hugs.”
Then his smile faded away. “I took the time to pay attention to you, and I could see that the girl you showed the world was a different girl than the one hiding behind all the smiles. I wanted to get to know that girl, I wanted to find out why she was so sad and I wanted to take that away. I had no idea what your secret was until that day I walked in on you in the bathroom. And with all my observations, I think I was madder at myself that day than I was with you. I should have known. And I didn’t.”
“Not knowing I’m bulimic isn’t something you need to apologize for.”
“I should’ve recognized the signs. I’ve seen them before.” Hayden shook his head as if to clear that thought away. “At any rate, I had already started falling for you one Sunday at a time. I did notice that after you went to the back that day to clear the table for us, you didn’t come back for a while. I went looking for you. So, I sort of lied again, when I told you I was on my way to the restroom. My plan was to find you in the back and get you alone so I could ask you out. I had exactly what I wanted to say in my mind and was ready to plead my case for why you should go out with me if you were to be hesitant. That’s when I caught you puking in the toilet.” Hayden paused. “And then I knew.” He broke eye contact with me and reached down to scratch Dozer behind the ears.
There were several seconds of silence that felt more like minutes when I reluctantly broke it by asking, “Knew what?”
Hayden, still petting Dozer with one hand, held up his free hand and began to tick things off one by one. He raised one finger. “That you would never agree to go out with me after I saw you doing that.” He raised a second finger. “That your problems were much deeper than I ever imagined.” A third finger. “That you now considered me the enemy. You confirmed that when you declared you hated me.” A final finger. “That I failed you. In a fucked up, I-can’t-explain-it kind of way, I failed you.” He finally looked at me and I saw something in his eyes that once again bore into my soul.
Hayden got solemnly quiet again and this time I didn’t want to interrupt whatever thoughts he had going on inside his head. I don’t think I could’ve spoken anyway, so I remained quiet too.
After a long minute he said, “I’ve been kicking myself every day since.”
I stood, walked over to his fireplace mantle, and pulled down a photo of a little girl. “Is this Annabeth?”
“It is.”
“She’s beautiful.”
“She reminds me of you.”
“Of me? Why?”
Hayden walked towards me and took the photo from my hands and stared at it. “She has this incredible smile…like yours. It melts my heart.” He laughed. “And s
he bites the end of her straws like you do.”
“Well, that quirk isn’t that uncommon.”
“There’s something else too. I’ve never been able to put my finger on it. There’s this way about her that is so much like you.” Hayden placed the photo back on the mantle. “I think that may be part of what drew me to you. I told you I noticed you immediately, and I did, but it was because your smile felt familiar to me somehow.”
I turned and took a seat on the hearth.
Hayden joined me and took my hand. “I want you to meet her. Would that be all right with you?”
“I would love to meet her.”
Hayden kissed the top of my head. “Next weekend, maybe?”
“Sure.” I wanted so badly to lean in and kiss him. Of course, I didn’t. We sat silently for a while, then, with a deep, shaky breath I said, “It does scare me, Hayden.”
“I know.”
I listened to Dozer snoring in the corner of the room while I contemplated this new understanding I had of Hayden. Now, if I could understand myself better, maybe I could figure out where to go from here.
“Can I show you something?” Hayden asked.
“Sure.”
He reached behind him and pulled his t-shirt over his head, tossing it on the floor beside him. He stood, reached for my hand again, and gently pulled me to my feet. I stood stock still in front of him, heart pounding, waiting.
He lifted my hand to his chest and placed it directly over a tattoo. The heat of his skin beneath my fingertips was scorching.
“Read the words, Beth.”
I traced the letters carefully. There were four words spelled out in plain, black, script letters along with an anchor. Nothing fancy, no other intricate design or anything; very to the point, like Hayden. “What is your why?” I whispered to myself. The “y” was attached to an anchor, and I traced that too. “What does it mean?”
“Like everyone else breathing oxygen on this planet, I’ve had my share of moments when I question why we’re here, what’s the point? Once I figured out my “why” I went and got this tattoo. I see it every morning when I get out of the shower, and at night before I go to bed. It keeps me grounded and reminds me what the important things are,” he explained. “Why do I do what I do? What motivates me? What makes me get out of bed every morning and put one foot in front of the other? Why do I make the choices I make? Why do I care for the people I care about? Why do I hate? Why do I love? I used to ask myself this question every day. And now I know exactly why I get out of bed every morning. The anchor here,” he said, holding my fingers against his chest, “that’s what reminds me to stay grounded.” He lifted my chin so he could look me in the eyes. “I think you might question why, Beth. And I don’t think you’ve been able to answer that question for yourself. Maybe I’m wrong about that, but–”
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