A new beginning.
This was my second chance to get this right. I silently vowed not to screw it up this time.
We walked into the restaurant, Beth’s hand in mine. She was less fidgety now and I was thankful. We still had a long way to go, I knew, but this date was a start. I squeezed Beth’s hand and planted a kiss on her forehead.
“Hayden?”
I turned to see who had called my name and when I saw the two people standing behind me, I felt a burning sensation in my gut, like someone had lit a match from the inside. I could feel my face tinge red with anger at the mere sight of them. I clenched my jaw and squeezed Beth’s hand a little tighter.
Beth observed the three of us and I could see questions in her eyes. Questions I didn’t want to answer while standing in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
“How have you been?” my mother asked.
“Fine,” I said in a clipped tone.
“We’ve missed you.”
I hadn’t seen my parents in a long time, and I had hoped I could go a lot longer without seeing them. How is it that of all nights this would be the night I would see their faces again?
When I didn’t respond my father chimed in, “Well, aren’t you going to introduce us to your date?”
Beth
My eyes darted between the three of them, not sure what was happening here. All I knew for sure was that Hayden was a simmering volcano, ready to erupt any second. My eyes flitted back over to the woman. Her posture was rigid, spine straight as a board. She had light brown hair that barely touched her shoulders, which were squared off like she was ready to do battle. Her thin lips were curved down into a frown, and made what was otherwise a lovely face, look pinched and unattractive. Her words said we missed you, however, her body language said something else entirely. Something stood out to me, though. Her eyes, the clear blue of Hayden’s, obviously held a great deal of pain and maybe even sadness that she fought to contain. That is, until they traveled over to me. She leveled me with an ice-cold glare.
As for the man standing beside her, he was ruggedly handsome. If it hadn’t been for the way he sneered at Hayden when he asked if he was going to introduce his date, I would have thought him very attractive. However, I didn’t like this man, not because he looked at me like I was a crumb to be brushed off, but because he glowered at Hayden with disgust.
I can’t remember a time in my life I have ever wanted to pummel someone’s face into the ground, so I spoke up before I did. “My name is Beth, and we were leaving. Right, Hayden?”
Hayden looked at me, confusion flashing across his face.
I pulled on his hand and began to step around these two unpleasant people. If we stayed and they were seated anywhere within glaring distance, Hayden would be either angry or uncomfortable. There were a hundred other restaurants to choose from. We didn’t have to stay here getting the stink eye from these two.
“If you’ll excuse us...” I tugged again gently on Hayden’s hand and this time his feet followed.
We were nearly out the door when we heard the hostess call, “McCoy. Party of two?”
“You’re going to leave without saying anything to us?” the woman asked with an incredulous tone.
Placing his hand on the small of my back, Hayden answered, “Yep.”
We walked into the cool night air, and for the first time since that little scene had started, I let myself breathe. The two of us walked back to his truck. He opened the door for me and I slid into the passenger seat. Hayden closed the door, and walked around to his side, the muscles in his jaw tightening all the while. We said nothing while he drove us around the city with no real destination.
“You can ask me,” Hayden said.
I realized I wanted to ask him a million things. However, there was only one thing I needed to know most of all. “Are you okay?”
He took his eyes from the road for the first time since we had gotten in his truck and glanced at me before answering. “Yeah. I’m okay. Are you okay?”
I nodded. “I’m fine.”
“I hate that word – fine. It’s so generic. It’s what you say to a stranger to be polite. From now on fine is banned from our vocabulary.”
“You said fine back at the restaurant when that lady asked how you’ve been.”
“That’s because they’re strangers to me.”
“That was you being polite?”
“Exceptionally polite.” Hayden’s jaw ticked and flexed with agitation.
“May I ask who they were? I’m assuming they were your parents? Genetic makeup and all that. You favored them.”
Hayden stared at the city streets in front of us. We rolled to a stop and he flipped on his turn signal. Making a left, we continued driving. Resigned that Hayden wasn’t going to answer my question, I watched the city lights fade behind us. After a few minutes, Hayden pulled the truck next to a curb in front of a house. By house, I mean mansion. It was nestled back far off the road, surrounded by trees, although it couldn’t be completely hidden from view. It was elaborate and expansive.
“Whose house is this?” I asked.
“Mine. Well, it’s theirs, my parents’. I grew up here.”
Hayden removed his seatbelt and leaned towards me, ducking his head a bit to see the house better out of the passenger window. His eyes roamed over the property casually, maybe even cautiously. “I haven’t driven down this street in two years.”
I waited, not saying a word, letting him reveal whatever he wanted to reveal in his own time. I observed the house again, trying to picture Hayden living here as a child. I remembered he’d told me about walking away from his inheritance… from his parents. I pulled my gaze away from the house once more to look at Hayden. I couldn’t imagine this was easy for him.
“They’re not nice people. My parents…they’re dollar signs and spreadsheets. They’re fancy parties with fancy people. They’re bottom lines and sales figures.” He paused. “As far as genetic makeup goes, I may look like them, but I am nothing like them.” I wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince me or himself.
I stared right into Hayden’s eyes. In the moonlight they appeared darker than usual, or perhaps it was his mood that was darker. “I know,” I said. “I think you forgot who you’re talking to.
He brought his eyes back to mine. “What do you mean?”
“I am the queen of disguise, Hayden. I can spot a mask a mile away. Those two people back there wore the fakest masks of all. I saw enough to know that you are not them.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“Come on, Hayden. I’ve known you for what, two years?”
Wow, had it really been that long?
I shook my head at that realization and continued. “In all that time I’ve never known you to wear a mask. I know exactly who you are.”
“So who am I then?”
“You’re…genuine. Free from pretenses. You don’t pretend to be anyone other than who you are. And who you are is Hayden Christopher McCoy. There is no one else like you, and you are certainly not like anyone else, least of all, those people who call themselves your parents.”
The light came back in Hayden’s eyes. The crease between his eyebrows softened. “So, you’ve been noticing me,” he said with a smirk.
I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. You promised me dinner. What are you feeding me?”
I was amazed at how calm I felt about going out to eat with him. Normally I would have used this to my advantage and would have found a way to keep dinner off the agenda for the night so I wouldn’t have to worry about what came after. Somehow, though, being with Hayden calmed me; calmed the voice deep in my mind that taunted me and demanded that I overeat and then purge. That voice would be back another time. Tonight… I knew I was safe.
“You’re right. I did. This date isn’t going as well as I had planned. I do have a plan B, though, if you’re willing. It involves fewer crowds and a better view. I can even throw in some music if you like.”
&
nbsp; “I’m intrigued. What is this plan B of yours?”
Hayden pulled his phone out of the console, and after scrolling through it, he dialed a number. Turing to face me he asked, “How do you like your pizza?”
“Um, I like mine supreme.”
Hayden ordered a supreme pizza and we drove to pick it up. He took me to a quiet spot, a place he said he used to come as a teenager where he could get lost in his thoughts and be by himself. We sat on the tailgate and ate our pizza while we talked. He had his iPod plugged in, music playing softly in the background, and when a slow song came on he asked me to dance with him.
He stood and took my hand and we swayed to the music under the stars.
It felt like…old times, and yet, different. I rested my cheek against Hayden’s chest and a pang of regret hit me hard. Tears welled in my eyes every time a memory of how badly I had treated him over the last several months struck me. I could recognize it now for what it was…him trying to help me…to be my friend. At the time, though, I couldn’t see anything other than humiliation and bitter anger that he knew more about me than I ever wanted him to know. It was like he had seen me naked. In a way he had, and there was nothing to hide behind anymore. I was completely exposed.
Because of that I had pushed him away and for a while he had let me.
“I’m so sorry,” I said, realizing I had never apologized to him.
“Don’t be sorry,” he whispered.
I lifted my head so he could see the sincerity in my eyes. “When you walked in on me that day, I felt… God, I don’t know. Shame, humiliation, irritation, guilt…I felt all of those things and all at once. I felt caged and wild with anger, like an untamed animal backed into a corner, and when you reached your hand out to me, out of self-defense, I bit you.” I brought my hands up and touched his face. “I’m sorry, Hayden. I never meant to hurt you.”
Hayden leaned in and laid the softest kiss on my lips. A ghost of a kiss, really, and then he pulled away. “Apology accepted.”
Hayden
Here’s the thing. I am twenty-nine years old. In all of my twenty-nine years, until I met Beth, I had no experience with being in love. And with Beth, my experience with being in love was one sided, so I was going to try not to be too hard on myself while I struggled with what my next move should be. Because for the life of me, I had no idea. If I pushed too hard, I would break her. If I didn’t push hard enough, she would break herself. It was an impossible position to be in, which was why I found myself standing on her front porch after our date, staring into her eyes. I didn’t know what to do. Pathetic? Probably.
“Are you going to stare at me all night?” she asked. The nervous vibrato in her voice was unmistakable, and I couldn’t help having mixed feelings about that. I liked making her nervous, and at the same time, I didn’t want her to be.
“Maybe. I haven’t decided.”
Her eyes shined, and for the first time in forever, I saw something else lurking behind them other than sadness. It gave me hope. It was that hope that would lead me to move in closer and caress her cheek.
She started to speak, but I interrupted her when my lips touched hers. I couldn’t help it. I had to kiss them. Getting lost her in eyes was one thing. Getting lost in her kiss was something else entirely. I felt like I could live there.
Before I could get comfortable living in the place I wanted to call home, she pulled away and took a step back. She touched her lips with the tips of her fingers, her eyes swimming with an emotion I couldn’t quite grasp.
I stared back at her wanting desperately to know if I’d pushed too hard. I couldn’t ask, because even though I wanted to know the answer, I also didn’t want to know the answer. I felt like I was walking a tightrope with her. Teetering, barely keeping my balance, and if I leaned too far in any one direction we’d both tumble to the ground. There was no safety net to catch our fall tonight, so I stood there, saying nothing.
Staring.
Again.
When she did speak it was a whisper. “Hayden.”
I patiently and painstakingly waited. The next move had to be hers. And while I knew I couldn’t push, I could at least lead. Then the old saying came into my head…you can lead a horse to water…
“I want to know you.”
The way she said it, she sounded surprised to hear herself openly admit that. Confusion etched across her face. Or maybe it wasn’t confusion at all. Maybe it was something else. Her expression then quickly morphed into another, like a truth she’d allowed herself to accept. She focused her eyes on mine. “I don’t know you like I should, and I do want to know you.”
“I want you to know me, Beth.”
“I want you to know me, too,” she admitted.
“I do know you.”
She shook her head. “No you don’t. Not really. Did you know I was adopted?”
She said it like it was a confession. This time it was my turn for a look of surprise to wash across my face. “I had no idea,” I said while my mind immediately began flitting through conversations we’d had, each memory like a card that I would flip over, examining its underside, trying to recall a detail I might have missed. Until I realized I hadn’t missed it. “Why have you never mentioned it before?”
She turned and walked over to an old porch swing and sat. “You know why, Hayden. The less people know about me, the easier it is to keep them at arm’s length.”
“Does Lily know?”
“No.”
I walked over to the swing. “May I sit with you?”
She nodded. I took the seat next to her and together we rocked the swing back and forth. We listened to the crickets chirp in the distance and occasionally the wind would blow, tangling itself in Beth’s hair. It looked like strings of ribbon blowing around her face, and I found myself wanting to reach out and twirl each one around my fingers.
“Don’t tell anybody,” she said, suddenly looking frightened.
“Don’t worry, Beth, I won’t. Do you want to tell me about it, though?”
“Umm, not tonight.” I could feel her withdrawing again. “Did you ever tell anyone about my bulimia?” Her voice shook when she asked me.
“No. It’s still your secret.”
“No it isn’t. It stopped being my secret when you found out.” She looked at me, those sad eyes returning.
“True,” I said, and then offered her another truth. “It became our secret.”
Beth’s eyes began to shimmer and her bottom lip quivered.
“Hey hey hey. What? What’s the matter?”
“I didn’t think...” She turned her face away from mine, her fingers digging into the swing. “I never even considered how keeping my secret would affect you. I never gave it any thought at all.”
I shrugged. “We all have secrets, Beth.”
“Not like mine.”
“Okay. I’ll tell you one of my secrets and make it fair.”
She gave me a sidelong glance. “You don’t have to do that.”
“I know. Strangely, I want to tell you all my secrets.”
“Okay, let’s hear one then.”
The tiniest smile tugged on the corner of her mouth, and that made it easier for the truth to spill out. “Annabeth doesn’t know that I’m her brother.”
Beth didn’t say anything at first. She observed me, though, probably to see if I would elaborate. I swallowed and stared straight ahead.
After a moment of silence, Beth asked, “Why not?”
I leaned back and rested my head on the swing. “Because, my dad didn’t want her.” That was a painful truth to me, one I didn’t understand, and one that I could barely bring myself to say out loud. “He and my mom both hid the fact that he had an affair. It was by accident I found out Annabeth even existed. By the time I knew about her, Molly had already told Annie that her father had died. Molly was reluctant to let me help or be a part of their lives, so when she decided to let me in she introduced me as a friend. That’s what Annie thinks I am, her friend
. I’m afraid if she ever finds out I’m her brother, she’ll hate me for lying to her, not to mention being angry with her mother. I can’t live with her hating me, Beth, or Molly either. I can’t be responsible for that.” I stood, no longer wanting to sit. Everything I had openly admitted left me feeling dirty.
“You never told Joe or Cooper about any of this? Why not? You guys are like brothers. You have this amazing, close relationship that I envy. I can’t believe you never talked with either of them about any of this. That’s a lot to carry on your own.”
I leaned against the porch railing and stared up at the moon. “I was ashamed. Not ashamed of Annie – ashamed of my parents. Cooper and Joe both have amazing families.” I laughed bitterly. “There’s nothing amazing about mine. All they know is we had a falling out and we don’t speak. They’ve both asked me about it a couple of times, but I wasn’t ready to talk, and they didn’t push.” I sighed, and rubbed the back of my neck, wishing I could lose some of this tension I felt building. “I almost told Joe once, and then with everything that happened to him after the accident…I dunno…I kept it all to myself. He and Maggie had enough to deal with. Even if I did tell them about Annie, do you know how hard it would be to not introduce her as my sister? But I can’t because how can I tell everyone else and not tell her? The one person who deserves to know the most and I can’t tell her.”
Beth stood and made her way over to me, not saying anything, both of us staring up at the moon together. After a long minute went by, she placed her hand on mine, and then made soft sweeping motions with her fingertips across my knuckles. The lightest of touches, yet, I felt it heavy on my heart. “It’s our secret now. You don’t have to carry it alone anymore.”
I turned and did the thing I had wanted to do since I sat next to her on the swing. I reached out and touched her ribbon strands, feeling the silkiness run between my fingers. I reveled in that moment for as long as she would let me, because for so long I’d dreamed of being able to touch her like this. I’m not sure how long we stood like that. All I knew was that I was in no hurry to move. I fell for her a little bit more.
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