“Okay,” she whispered. “Thank you for dinner, and…thank you. For everything.”
I kept my eyes closed, cherishing her touch. “You’re welcome,” I said in a voice that sounded like sandpaper. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”
She didn’t respond. Her hand left my face, and then I heard the passenger door close. I opened my eyes and watched her walk up the front steps. She unlocked the door, and before entering, she turned around. I gripped the steering wheel until my knuckles turned white.
I continued to watch her, bathed under the glow of the moon. Her eyes met mine, and a suggestion of a smile rippled across her lips like a breeze over water.
Then she walked inside.
Hayden
While it wasn’t completely odd for me to get a call from Ms. Sophie inviting me to dinner, it was a tad unexpected. I was accustomed to being called for holidays, birthdays, and other special occasions. I couldn’t ever recall being invited over on a random Sunday afternoon, though, so, it was strange.
She was as chipper as ever on the phone, and when I asked if I could bring anything she chuckled and said, “Oh, no, dear, don’t be silly. I’ll have everything we need. Unless… you wouldn’t mind stopping by a store and bringing one of those big bags of ice, would you? My ice maker can’t keep up with you kids.”
I told her I would bring the ice. She thanked me and told me she loved me before hanging up the phone, something she had always done. When I was growing up, it was the only time I ever heard those words. Directed at me, that is.
I spent the early afternoon doing thrilling domestic things such as: paying bills online, cleaning the toilets, and wiping sinks and counters. Sweeping, mopping, running the vacuum were all tasks I tried to cover once a week at the very least. Heck, I even dusted every once in a while, even though it was pointless since thirty minutes later I could already see tiny dust particles settling back down. Dust was my domestic arch nemesis and I wasn’t going to engage with it today. I had to be ready to head to Ms. Sophie’s house by four thirty so I finished up my chores, jumped in the shower, and got dressed.
I was disappointed that Beth wouldn’t be riding with me to Ms. Sophie’s. When I called to ask when I should pick her up, she told me she wasn’t sure if she would be able to make it. She said that she had some things that she had to take care of…things she had been putting off forever and couldn’t anymore. I wanted to ask her what things, I wanted to talk her out of it or offer to come help her, but there was a tone to her voice that told me I needed to give her some space. I asked if everything was okay, if she was okay and she said she was. I believed her, she sounded certain and she sounded healthy, so I didn’t push her. I had monopolized a lot of her time lately, and it was only dinner at Ms. Sophie’s.
If she didn’t make it to Ms. Sophie’s I would give her a call after dinner and see if I could drop by. I needed to see her. That’s all there was to it, and I make no apologies for that.
I made sure to leave a lamp on for Dozer, then scratched behind his big ears. “No chicks over while I’m out, and stay out of my beer.” Dozer tilted his head to the side, and then licked my face. “Ugh! Dozer! You’re not taking me seriously! We’ll discuss your attitude later.”
I wiped the dog spit off and headed out the door, feeling pretty great from a good night’s sleep. I was walking out the door on cloud nine. Before the night was over, I would be plummeting back to Earth at lightning speed.
I arrived at Ms. Sophie’s at exactly five o’clock. I saw Cooper and Lily’s car already in the driveway and Joe and Maggie were pulling in as I knocked on the door.
Cooper answered, wearing a jack-o’-lantern smile. “What’s up, big guy?” He stepped aside so I could enter, shook my hand, and slapped me on the back with way too much enthusiasm.
“Not much. Happy to see me?” He was being Cooper on hyper drive these days. Whatever it was, I was happy for him. I couldn’t wait for the days I could walk around with a grin that big on my face.
The doorbell rang and Cooper jumped into action, repeating the ritual with Joe and Maggie. He hugged Maggie and said, “Lily is in the kitchen with Grams.”
“Okay, thanks!” Maggie squeezed Joe’s hand and patted me on the shoulder. “Good to see you, Hayden. Do I get a hug today?”
“I’m beginning to think you only like me for my hugs. I feel so used. I have a mind, you know.”
“Good Lord, it’s finally happened. Joe’s rubbed off on you.” I laughed and picked her up in a bear hug. She pretended she couldn’t breathe.
When I set her back on her feet, Joe said, “Dude, don’t manhandle my woman like that.”
“I can take care of myself, Joseph,” Maggie said with a wink, and headed off to the kitchen. Cooper and I exchanged glances and howled, unashamed. We made it a point to call Joe “Joseph” the remainder of the evening.
“Can I get you something to drink, Joseph?” Cooper asked.
“Funny,” Joe deadpanned.
“Oh, come on, Joseph, where’s that winning sense of humor?” I chided.
Ms. Sophie came out of the kitchen, walking our way, “There are my big boys!”
Joe lowered his voice to a murmur. “Fuck y’all.” Then he opened his arms wide for a hug, his lips curled up, spreading like oil, “Ms. Sophie, you’re looking lovely as always.”
“Oh, Joseph, you always were a flatterer.”
I lost it and so did Cooper. Joe pulled off the thumbs up/middle finger combo over Ms. Sophie’s shoulder.
“Come on boys,” she said as Joe released her and she wrapped her arm around me, “let’s go have a seat in the living room while the roast finishes cooking. It should be ready in about twenty minutes.”
We followed Ms. Sophie into the living room and the girls joined us. Everyone was laughing and chatting. I kept checking my phone, hoping to have a text from Beth saying she was going to make it after all. Soon Ms. Sophie was herding us into the dining room and we all began preparing our plates. I checked my phone again when I sat down to eat, deciding that if I didn’t hear from her in the next ten minutes, I would text her…to make sure everything was okay. And maybe ask if she would be able to make it after all. No big deal.
After another few minutes passed Lily spoke up. “Has anyone heard from Beth? You did call and invite her too, didn’t you Grams?” Ms. Sophie looked straight at me, a sad expression on her face, and then turned to Lily. “Lily dear, Beth had a prior commitment and won’t be joining us tonight; at least not in person.”
“Not in person? What does that mean?” I blurted. The look Ms. Sophie had given me before saying that wasn’t right. Something wasn’t right and suddenly I knew it.
Everyone looked at me. I leaned back in my chair and waited for an answer. Ms. Sophie stood and walked over to the kitchen counter. She took an envelope from the mail basket on the counter and brought it back to the table, taking her seat again. She coughed, cleared her throat, and took a drink of her water. “Beth is the reason I asked all of you to come tonight,” she said.
“What’s going on? I talked to her earlier. She didn’t tell me anything about this.” Impatience and concern were welling up inside of me. My heart was suddenly beating like I’d went three rounds of one on one basketball with Cooper at the gym.
“Well, dear, I had a phone call from Beth a few days ago and she asked me for my help. I agreed and here you all are. And this,” she said, holding the envelope in her hand, “is a letter Beth wrote for me to read to you all. This wasn’t easy for Beth and it’s not easy for me to deliver her message, but I promised that I would.”
“Is Beth okay?” Maggie asked with concern.
“What does she need you to tell us?” Lily asked, looking confused.
“I wanted to wait until we were finished with our dinner to do this.” She sighed. “But it seems like the time has come now.” Ms. Sophie opened the letter and began to read.
Dear friends,
I know that you are probably all confused right no
w. The ironic thing is that for the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m not confused at all. For the first time since I was a little girl, I feel like I have some control and I am afraid that if I don’t seize this moment now, I will never have the courage to again. I will go back to being confused and lost and never get better.
I guess that wasn’t the best way to start things off, but this isn’t easy for me, you see. It isn’t easy at all, because I care deeply for each one of you.
Lily, you are the reason I even have had the opportunity to get to know everyone there tonight, and I am so grateful for your friendship. Cooper, you never questioned Lily’s friendship with me and you accepted me right away and I appreciate how kind you have always been. Joe, you make me laugh, and even though I’ve never taken the opportunity, I know you would sit and listen to me and never judge me in the least. Maggie, I’m so glad we’ve become friends. Thank you for sharing Lily with me and for always including me when you make plans with her. Ms. Sophie, I told you how much you meant to me the other night, and I want to say thank you once again, for doing this for me. You treat me like I am your family and you will never know how much that means to me, or maybe now you do.
And, Hayden, where do I even begin? You were always there, yet I feel like you came out of nowhere. You threw me a life preserver when no one else even noticed I was drowning. You saw past the façade and you called me out… pissed me off… and you made me look at who I am. It’s because of you that I am not there tonight, and I am somewhere that I can start to get the kind of help I need. I can never thank you enough.
I need to apologize to all of you and this is where it gets hard. Telling each of you how much I care for you was the easy part. Apologizing and laying bare my soul, that is much more difficult. But it’s past time, for me to come clean and announce myself for who I really am. I am a bulimic. I’ve been living with bulimia since high school and I’ve been living with some deep hurt for longer still. My parents died in a house fire when I was a child. My sister and I were sent to separate foster homes and I never saw her again. She promised she would find me. She didn’t. She couldn’t, I’m sure, because I could never find her. Although my adoptive parents were good to me, I felt empty inside and that emptiness turned to ugliness and self-deprecation, and ultimately bulimia. This isn’t the whole story, of course. I’m just hitting the high notes, if you will, to give you some idea of what led me here.
Anyway, I wanted to feel like I was normal, so I put on an act. The Happy Bubbly Beth Hour! And Lily, I feel so ashamed for allowing you to believe that was truly who I was. I hope you can forgive me, I hope we can still be friends. I want to be that Beth, and I think I can be that Beth, but not until I accept the truth and seek professional help for my disease.
I hope you can all forgive me. I let all of you believe the same thing and I am truly sorry for deceiving you. I wanted so badly to be a part of something, to have friends, even if I had to lie my way into it.
I’ve checked myself into a treatment center, and I will be an inpatient for the next four weeks. I am choosing to not have any contact with anyone outside of the treatment center while I am there. This is an extremely difficult decision, but I feel like I need to cut myself off from everything else and focus on myself, something I’ve never been able to do before. Once these four weeks are over, I will be an outpatient for another two to four weeks, and will go in two or three times a week, whatever the doctors deem necessary. I hope that when I come home, I will have the opportunity to apologize to each of you in person. I love each and every one of you, and I would love a second chance to start over and be a friend that you truly know.
Love and hugs to you all,
Beth
Ms. Sophie handed the girls a box of tissues. Joe and Cooper sat looking dumbfounded. And I…well I was floored. I couldn’t believe Beth hadn’t told me about this! And now I wouldn’t see her or speak to her for four weeks! My heart thumped erratically. I pushed my chair back from the table and asked everyone to excuse me for a few minutes. No one spoke, only nodded.
I walked through the kitchen to the living room and stepped through the foyer and out the front door. I walked down a couple of steps and sat. A moment later the door opened and Ms. Sophie said, “Hayden, dear, Beth wrote another letter. This one is solely for you and I haven’t opened it or read it.” She held the envelope out and I took it from her. Why did I feel like I had been punched in the throat? This was good, right? This was better than good… it was great. It was just that she hadn’t told me and now she was… gone. I didn’t even get to tell her goodbye.
Ms. Sophie went back inside and I tore open the envelope. I tried to put myself in Beth’s shoes. I mean, in reality, I was in Beth’s shoes. Hadn’t I kept a secret from my friends, my chosen family, for years? Wasn’t I living behind a façade? Maybe that’s why this was hitting me so hard. It was like a subtle slap in the face, only I knew Beth didn’t mean it that way. It was what it was, because it was the truth. And I didn’t think I could ever be as brave as Beth had been today. I unfolded the paper and began to read.
Hayden,
I hope you will understand and not be angry with me for not talking to you about this decision. I only had the strength to pick up the phone and call the treatment center because of you. I also hope you understand that if I had talked to you about it, said it out loud, I might have backed out. I almost did several times and so I felt like this would be best. Knowing I won’t see or talk to you for a month weighs heavily on my heart. I didn’t realize how heavy my heart was until I was packing my bags. But if I’m ever going to be the girl that you see when you look at me…the girl you deserve…I have to go away for a while and put in the time and the effort. I’m ready to plan for a future, and until you, I didn’t see much hope in one. So thank you for that.
I’ll miss you so much, and Annie too. Please let her know I will be back soon and that I will be thinking about her while I’m away. I really do plan to cut myself off from everyone while I’m there. However, we can receive mail at the Center and if you would like, maybe you could send me a letter sometime…to let me know how you are. I’ve enclosed the address. I don’t know if I will write back, and if I don’t please don’t think that means anything other than I am not ready yet. Please know that I want to be ready for you. I really, really do. I can’t even believe you would want me, especially after seeing the ugly truth. I’m just so grateful that you do.
Love,
Beth
P.S. While I was packing, this song came on the radio. Everything I wanted to say in this letter is summed up in this one song. “Breathe Again” by Sarah Bareilles. Funny how songs say the things we need to say when we can’t find the words. Listen to it, Hayden. Please.
I pulled out my phone and played the song. Then, I folded the letter, placed it back inside the envelope, and made my way back inside. When I walked into the living room, where everyone was now gathered, no one asked a single question. Lily walked over to me and put her arms around me in a gentle hug.
I wanted to smile. I even tried to, but it felt more like a jagged scar. For some reason, the tears I had never cried broke free. I don’t know why. Maybe because I was relieved that Beth had gone to get help. Maybe because I was afraid it wouldn’t help. Maybe because I was going to miss her so badly over the next four weeks. Maybe it was all of that and more. Lily sat beside me, rubbing my shoulders while the sobs raked over me.
“Someone once told me…sometimes you got to let some of that shit go.” It was Maggie’s voice. I found it comforting. She sat on the other side of me and continued while she soothed me with her words. “I think maybe you could use a shoulder and an ear and I’ve got both, as well as a comfortable seat, and I’ve got nowhere else to be tonight.”
She repeated the words I had said to her several months ago. After a few moments, I pulled myself together. I wanted to talk and so I did, late into the evening. We sat in Ms. Sophie’s living room and I told them everything. Not
about Beth, I told them everything about me.
Hayden
“There’s a little girl I want you all to meet.” I stood, crossed the room, and stopped in front of Ms. Sophie’s bookcase. “She’s funny and smart…” I could feel everyone’s eyes on me. “Her name is Annabeth Hunter. I call her Annie, she calls me Kish. She has blue eyes and blonde hair that she likes to wear in pigtails. And when she laughs it’s the sweetest sound in the world.”
I scanned all the faces that stared back at me, and shoved my hands inside my front pockets. “She’s my sister.” I paused, expecting to hear questions. Instead, they regarded me with confusion and quiet attention, so I continued.
“My father had an affair. I’m told it lasted for about a year before the woman he was seeing got pregnant. From there things got ugly. I never knew Annie even existed until two years ago. She’s five now.”
I told them everything – from the lies, to the betrayal, to the day I walked in on my father in his office with Molly, to the reason she showed up there in the first place. I told them about the surgery Annie needed to walk again, right up to the here and now. I left out nothing.
“I wanted to tell you guys…so many times.” I tried to smile, but it felt artificial…like something that was cut out of cardboard and pasted on. “I also wanted to protect Annie and her mom. It took a while for Molly to let me in, allow me to help them. She was so afraid of other people finding out who Annie’s dad was, of what my parents might do if they thought she was the one who let the secret out. I have kept their secret and it has made me feel so off kilter; like I’m living two lives. I guess I have been to some degree. I’ve kept Molly and Annie a secret from all of you, but I did it for their protection, I hope you all know that. I’d give my life for Annie’s if I had to. No question. She’s made my life so much better, and all she did was come into it.”
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