Sixteen years without my sister, without my other half.
When you allow yourself to dream of seeing someone again, you don’t imagine that you will see them under dire circumstances. You imagine seeing them on a warm sunny day. At least in my dreams that’s how it would happen. I would see her across a grassy field throwing a Frisbee to a dog with long floppy ears, and I would approach her. In my dreams she would smile with her whole face. Her eyes would sparkle with the sun and her voice would be vibrant, high on life, and she would say…‘Beth, you’re all grown up!’
I would agree and I would tell her how much I missed her and our reunion would be spent over iced tea and laughter.
Never once in my dreams did I imagine she would be hooked up to machines that beeped and whirred, indicating she was still holding onto life. It felt as though someone had asked me, ‘…the red pill or the blue pill?’ and I had chosen the wrong one. I somehow had gotten an alternate reality, and inside, I was screaming…I want the blue pill! I need a do-over! Let me choose again!
In the real world we don’t get a do-over, though. We accept the hand we’re dealt, and we do the best with what we have.
When she mouthed the words ‘I love you,’ I nearly lost all composure because the last time she said those words I never got to say them back.
Maybe sometimes we do get a do-over.
I opened my mouth to say I love you, too, but the words caught on the sharp pain in my throat and splintered on the way out.
A thousand things were said between us after that, and yet, no words were spoken. We didn’t have to speak. We were sisters, a bond that time and distance couldn’t break. I didn’t see a stranger when I looked at her. I saw Grace, the girl who lost the same things I did, and the girl who, even when her heartbreak was every bit as raw as mine, put on a brave face on the worst day of our lives because she wanted to ease my pain. I suspect she never took it off. Our lives were forever altered on the exact same day, same hour, same minute, and every day, hour, and minute thereafter defined us and created the women we grew up to be. We may have gone down separate roads, and still we ended up in the same place. In more ways than one.
I had so many questions I wanted to ask her. A lifetime worth. Although, there was one question that took precedence. I needed to know what I should call her. “Why do you go by Molly now?”
She picked at the thin blanket draped over her and shrugged halfheartedly. “There was already a ‘Grace’ living in my foster home, so it was decided I would go by ‘Molly’ since it was my first name.”
It was painful to see her smile at me politely when I knew it wasn’t genuine, so I looked away and began picking at her thin blanket as well, remembering more of our childhood together.
“Molly, Molly where’s your dolly?” the neighborhood brat taunted.
“I hate it when he calls me that,” Grace hissed under her breath.
“Shut up, Bradley!” I yelled.
“Why don’t you come over here and make me!”
I started marching towards him. I’d make him eat his stupid words. “Why does he have to be such a butt munch?”
Grace grabbed my arm. “You can’t go over there.”
I pushed up my sleeves. “He invited me.”
Grace and I stared at each other, both determined to do things our own way. I stood my ground, shoulders back, arms folded across my chest, eyes narrowed into slits. I hated Bradley. He was always calling us names or being mean for no reason. I was so mad…
Grace burst into laughter.
“What are you laughin’ about?”
“You should see your face. I swear, Beth, if I didn’t know you better I’d be scared of you right now.” She clutched her stomach and doubled over laughing so hard. “If you weren’t so little you might even pull it off.”
“Don’t call me little!”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Her laughter started to fade when she noticed I wasn’t laughing with her. “I’m sorry.” She nudged me with her shoulder and grinned. “Thank you for wanting to stand up for me.”
My anger slowly dissipated. I kicked at the dirt with the toe of my shoe. “You’d do it for me.”
She put her arm over my shoulder and began walking us in the opposite direction. “I would slay dragons for you.”
I glanced over my shoulder. “What about butt munches?”
Grace threw her head back and laughed again. “Oh, Beth. I would be lost without you.”
I think we both got lost.
“Why are you frowning?”
“You always hated your first name.” I didn’t like the idea of Grace having to change the name she went by because someone else decided it was best. Who tells a little girl that losing her parents isn’t enough…that being separated from her sister isn’t enough…that she needed to change her identity too? Who does that? I could feel my jaw tightening, and I had a strong desire to squeeze something.
She covered one of my hands with one of hers. “Molly was our grandmother’s name, remember?” When I didn’t respond she said it again. “Remember?”
I nodded.
“Even though we never knew her, I liked the idea of being named after someone.” She lifted her chin, holding her head higher. “I decided if Mom named me after her mother, then she must have been a great lady.”
I gave that explanation some thought while the heart monitor beeped in the background and the noise of the blood pressure cuff came to life every few minutes. It also allowed me time to recall how Hayden met my sister, by picking her up off the floor, and how she’d ended up on the floor in the first place. Before, when Hayden told me that story, I had felt so bad for the woman. Now, knowing the woman in the story was my sister, I honestly didn’t know how I felt. Sad, angry, bitter. I was all of that. Mostly, though, I was relieved. Hayden was the one who stepped into my sister’s life when she needed someone the most, and when I had time to fully evaluate what all he’d done for her, I knew I would have a hard time keeping it together. I would have to contemplate all that later, because for the first time in sixteen years, I was breathing the same air as my sister, and my mind could only evaluate one mind-blowing thing at a time.
I stared at my sister, my heart remembering the arch of her eyebrows, the curve of her mouth. I outlined her face with the tip of my finger, drawing her, memorizing her. She was the same, yet different. Tiny lines webbed the corners of her eyes. Subtle as they were, they made her seem wise beyond her years and I knew she had earned every line on her beautiful face, so I decided I liked them. If she embraced being called Molly, then I would embrace it, too. I swept her hair gently to the side. “I love the name Molly.”
I couldn’t stop staring at her eyes, quiet as her voice, gentle as her touch, and they told me a million things. They always could. Even when we were little. I always knew what she was thinking without her having to say a word. This time they were telling me she was afraid, and I didn’t want her to be. I was prepared to slay dragons for her. This particular dragon was named “fear” and we were already acquainted. I believe the last time we came face to face I came out the winner.
I took her hand in mine and held it. “You know what else I love?”
“Tell me,” she said, sounding weak and frail.
“Annie.”
This time her smile was genuine. “She’s pretty great, isn’t she?”
“She’s amazing,” Hayden said, stepping forward. My back had been to him this entire time and he had been so quiet I had forgotten he was in the room. “It’s because she got the best of both of you.”
There was a knock at the door, and Cooper and Lily walked in with Annie. “She was asleep when you called us, Hayden. She woke up a little while ago and asked to see her mom,” Lily said. “I hope it’s all right that we came now.” Lily gazed lovingly at Annie, playing with the back of her hair. “She didn’t want to wait any longer.”
“Of course,” Molly said, trying to sound upbeat. “Come’ere, baby.”
Annie let go of Cooper and Lily’s hands and rushed towards her mother. Hayden picked her up and helped her lay down next to her mom. “Be careful with these wires here, okay, punkin?”
Annie simply nodded and laid her head on her mother’s chest, as though she wanted to hear her heartbeat. And then it hit me. Annie was my niece. She was mine. I was hers.
She was mine. I was hers.
I looked at Hayden next. He was already watching me, like he was trying to read my thoughts. I would say that was when the tears came, however, my emotions were such that it felt like I had been crying for days. All I know is that at some point I was in Hayden’s arms and there was nowhere else I wanted to be. This man with a heart so big that he took care of a woman he didn’t know and got her back on her feet, literally, and proceeded to be there for her long after. This man made me love him, even when I was afraid to, because it was impossible not to fall in love with him. And now, I couldn’t even put into words how much love I had for him. Can a person fall in love with the same person every day? Or maybe that love grows deeper until it becomes more than love. More than anything you’ve ever known. More than, I dunno, just…more.
When everyone else was busy talking, I stood on my tiptoes, gave Hayden a chaste kiss on the lips, and whispered in his ear, “Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.” It wasn’t enough. I could thank him a thousand times over and it would never be enough.
Hayden bent down, the corner of his mouth raised, and a look in his eye. It was a look he often gave me, so I knew what it was when I saw it. Devotion. Maybe that’s not a sexy word to most people. But most people have never had Hayden McCoy look at them with sheer, utter, devotion. I assure you it’s the sexiest thing you’ll ever witness. Then he kissed the tip of my nose and whispered, “I’m still falling.” My heart skipped, and then tripped, and then recovered, and then my heart answered breathlessly… “Don’t ever stop.”
Beth
I fell asleep in the chair beside Molly’s bed. When I woke up, Hayden was sitting on the other side of the room sipping coffee, looking out the window. I took a minute to admire his sharp profile with his unshaven jaw and disheveled blond hair. My heart kicked up thinking about the moment we had at his house the night Annie called about her mother. He kissed me like he possessed me and I yielded to him like he owned me. Involuntarily, my fingers skimmed my lips remembering how they felt beneath Hayden’s touch. My cheeks heated from the memory. I was starting to crave those moments with him.
“Sleep okay?” Hayden’s gaze had shifted from the outdoor scenery of rooftops and was now focused solely on me.
He caught me staring. He flashed a half-smile, half-smirk. I stood, rolled my stiff neck a few times, and stretched as far and wide as I could. “Depends. How long was I out?”
“A couple of hours.”
“Then no.” I moved towards him and when I got near him he opened his arms for me to sit in his lap. The warmth of his body soothed me instantly. “I would have slept better right here,” I said, nestling my head beneath his chin, breathing in his scent, the one that was distinctly Hayden.
He wrapped his arms around me and kissed the top of my head. “I love having you in my arms. I’ve wanted this for so long.”
I closed my eyes and let myself fall into him. Somewhere along the way we had swapped hearts. I wasn’t sure when or where it happened, I just knew he held mine firmly in his grasp. For the first time in my life, I knew my heart was safe. I held his heart, too, and I would stand guard over it and protect it every single day of my life. I would fight epic battles, go to war with the toughest opponents, I would fall on my own sword before I would let one single thing happen to it.
Soon our breathing and our heartbeats were in sync, and I wished I had let myself love him sooner. Or maybe I wished I had allowed myself to admit that I loved him sooner. Because if I thought about it, I loved Hayden long before he found me in that bathroom. Stubbornness and fear can deprive you of many things. I learned that lesson the hard way.
“I can’t believe I didn’t see it,” Hayden said, keeping his voice low.
“See what?”
“The similarities between you and Molly. It’s literally as plain as the nose on your faces. You both have the same small celestial-shaped nose. Annie definitely got that from your family.” Hayden reached up and felt his own nose. “Mine is definitely not small and celestial.”
I leaned back so I could admire it. I loved his nose. “No, yours is more like that of a Greek god.”
“Greek god, huh?”
“Definitely.”
He found my eyes and held my gaze. “It’s not just your noses. It’s more than that. You both have an amazing spirit, generous in nature. You’re both intelligent and you both have an uncanny ability for tolerating assholes.” He grinned at his last comment.
“Is that so?”
“Yes. I’ve watched you for the past two years serving rude people at the diner. I couldn’t do it. We both know your sister tolerated my asshole father longer than she should have.”
I looked down and stared at his throat, unable to look him in the eye. “You tolerated me for longer than you should have.”
“No. I didn’t tolerate you, Beth. I fell in love with you. You’re a thief.” He smirked. “You stole my heart.”
I snuggled into him even closer, curling my legs, trying to fit all of me in his lap. Still, I wasn’t close enough.
Molly slept peacefully in her bed and soon Cooper and Lily would be here with Annie. She continued staying with them while Hayden and I stayed with Molly. We could have gone home, but I didn’t want to leave her, and I don’t think Hayden wanted to leave me. So, here we were, tired, sore, and sleep deprived. Oddly, I was the happiest I’d ever been.
“Last night I searched the internet while you and Molly were talking. I learned that it’s not uncommon for eating disorders to run in families.”
“Yeah, I learned that at rehab. We talked about that in group therapy.”
“I learned other things, too. I figured the more I knew the more supportive I could be. You know, for both of you.”
When I thought I couldn’t love Hayden more…he made me do so. I hugged him closer.
I replayed everything we had talked about last night, Molly and I, after I was able to form coherent sentences and complete thoughts. She touched briefly on her upbringing after our separation. Her foster family wasn’t horrible, it just wasn’t where she wanted to be. Same as me, I guess. If we had been able to stay together we probably would have dealt with the deaths of our parents better than we had.
She told me she came to Nashville shortly after meeting Hayden’s father. They had met in a hotel she worked at in Atlantic City, which was where she was living. She fell in love with him. In the beginning he was a gentleman, showed her lots of attention, and doted on her with expensive gifts and flowers. Of course it was all a lie, since he never once told her he was married and had a family back home. However, she was young and naïve and followed him here to Nashville, not knowing the storm that would await her. Things started to change, and at first she didn’t know why. He paid her less and less attention, coming around when it was convenient for him. After she got pregnant with Annie, things changed completely. I knew the rest of the story because Hayden had told me. Hearing it from her was different, though. I saw the pain it caused her and my own heart broke for her.
I hugged her and let her know how deeply sorry I was that he had treated her so badly.
“I’m sorry, too,” she said, “but I can’t be sorry that I met him, otherwise I wouldn’t have Annie and I would have never met Hayden. So yeah, it sucks that I fell for a man who used me…” She shrugged. “I think I came out the winner in the end, though. I got a family and he lost his.”
My sister was the one who always saw the silver lining. I had forgotten that about her. She was right. Had she never met Hayden’s father we would all be missing out on the one gift he gave her that money couldn’t buy…An
nie. That doesn’t mean I still wouldn’t like to see that son of a bitch fall to his knees after I kicked his balls into his throat. I’m pretty sure I would find a great deal of joy in that. I’m only being honest.
I filled her in on my life, as well, giving her condensed versions, because I knew she was tired and staying awake for me.
After we had talked until our voices were hoarse, Molly fell asleep and I held her hand. For hours I sat like that.
The door opened, pulling me out of my head and back to the present. A nurse walked in to check Molly’s vitals. She was trying carefully not to wake her, although Molly awakened anyway.
“Sorry,” the nurse said. “I tried to be quiet.”
“It’s okay,” Molly sat up. “How much longer will I need to stay here?”
“Well, your heart rate is steadily increasing, so as long as you continue to improve I can’t imagine you having to stay too much longer. A few days maybe.” The nurse patted Molly’s hand. “Your doctor will be the one to tell you for sure. He’ll be in shortly to check on you.”
Molly licked her chapped lips. “Okay.”
“I’m gonna run down and get us some breakfast.” Hayden pressed his lips to mine. “I’ll be right back.”
Yes, even though we had a lot going on, I was eating properly. Hayden was seeing to it, making sure I didn’t forget to eat. I’m sure he was probably also looking for any signs that would indicate that I was regressing back to binging or purging. I wasn’t. I was taking it all one day at a time, and sometimes one meal at a time. I also had my first therapy session via phone. Dr. Daniels made an exception under the circumstances. I filled her in on everything that happened and she talked me through some things. She even offered to see Molly as a patient once she was released from the hospital. All in all it was a good session.
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