‘I’m so sorry, Peter. So sorry. I was told you were away from home. I was surprised to find the door open. I should have known. I’ve come to say goodbye to Turnham Malpas. You see, Michael’s cooking our breakfast. If I’d known, I wouldn’t have …’
‘That’s all right, we’ve had to come home because of illness.’ He took a deep breath and making a huge effort to remember his duties as priest said, ‘How are you, Suzy? You’re looking very well.’
‘I’m fine, Peter, thank you. How are you?’ She reached out her hand but he ignored it. She put her hands behind her back. ‘You’re looking well. Everything is fine with me, is it with you?’
‘Yes, thank you.’ Peter paused for a moment and then said, ‘Caroline and I are forever in your debt.’
There was a tremor in her voice as she said, ‘No, you’re not, not ever. The gift was freely given. I only gave you what was yours. I don’t know why two old friends should be so solemn. I’ll cheer you up. Michael Palmer and I are getting married in the summer. He’s a lovely man, I feel so secure with him. I can depend on him – rely on him, you know.’
‘Yes, I can understand that. Married? That’s good. Wonderful news. I am glad.’
‘This is goodbye then. I shan’t be coming here again. I’m driving home this morning straight after breakfast. Don’t tell Caroline you’ve seen me. I don’t want her to be upset.’
Peter hesitated for a moment and then said abruptly, ‘The children have chickenpox – that’s why we’ve come home. They’re covered in spots, and not at all well. She’s been up most of the night with them.’
‘I see, I’m sorry. Children can be a trial.’
‘But worth it, worth it, you know. They are delightful.’ He regretted those words the moment they were out of his mouth. What a fool he was to have said that.
Suzy’s whole demeanour altered when Peter said how delightful they were. She became agitated. She twisted her hands together, then she put them to her mouth and almost gnawed on her knuckles. Then with her arms by her sides and her hands clenched tightly in her cardigan pockets she said, ‘Delightful? Are they really? Are they … do they look like … like … me … or you?’
Peter felt himself to be reaching dangerous ground. ‘They’re both … that is, Alex … is like me but Beth is simply Beth.’
Suzy half-turned away from him and said quietly, ‘Alex and Beth. They sound lovely. What I wouldn’t give just for a goodbye peep. Just to say goodbye for ever.’ Suzy faced him again. ‘I wouldn’t trouble you again, honestly I wouldn’t and it wouldn’t have occurred to me if you hadn’t had to come home and been here when I … Please, Peter, please let me see them. It would kind of by a ghost to rest if you would let me. Surely Caroline would … She knows I can’t take them when they’re yours, she knows they’re safe. Please, just a peep.’
‘No, no, no.’ Peter backed away. ‘Don’t ask me, please don’t ask me. Caroline is so deeply attached to them, almost more than if they were her own, if that’s possible. The damage it would cause would be immeasurable. You really can’t ask it of her. Your seeing them would distress her terribly.’
‘But she has them for the rest of her life. I’ve lost them for ever.’
‘You and I have caused her more than a lifetime of agony. It would be cruel, downright cruel of us to ask that of her. I’m sorry but no. Definitely no.’
Suzy came close to Peter and laid her hand on his arm. She looked intently up at him. He recalled the last time she’d laid her hand on his arm, when he’d been totally captivated by her gentle beauty. His innards turned to pulp. She tugged at his sleeve. ‘Please.’
Peter brusquely pushed her away from him. ‘I’m sorry, Suzy, but the answer is no. I can’t let you down gently, I’ve got to be firm. No, absolutely no, both for her sake and yours. You’ve never seen them and that’s the best way. If you do see them you’ll never be free from heartache. This way at least you haven’t got a picture of them in your heart for the rest of your life. It’s best, believe me.’
He made the sign of the cross on her forehead, took her hand and slowly led her from the church. Her feet stumbled a little as the two of them walked down the aisle, and he sensed her struggle to control the sobs coming from deep within her. By the time they reached the church door, she had mastered her grief.
She turned to him and said sadly, ‘Tomorrow, perhaps, I shall know you’re right, but today I feel you’ve been very hard. I would have loved to have seen them, even if only a glimpse. Give them each a kiss from me, will you? Promise?’ Peter nodded. ‘I’ll leave you then to finish your prayers.’ When they reached the porch Suzy held out her hand. ‘Goodbye, Peter. Be happy.’ Peter shook hands, and then impulsively bent his head and kissed her, just one gentle kiss on her forehead, and for a moment he held her close.
‘God bless you, Suzy. From the bottom of my heart I sincerely hope that your life with Michael will be tremendously rewarding, full of happiness and a great joy for you both.’
‘I’m sure it will. Stay there and wave to me when I reach the gate, just this one last time. Just for me?’
He watched her walking slowly down the path to the gate. Michael was a lucky man. As she stepped out into the lane she turned and raised her hand to him. He raised his in blessing and then went back inside.
Caroline’s prayer book was on the shelf in the rectory pew.
He read the words he’d written on the morning of their wedding day and knew how true they were. She was his and he was hers, ‘from this day unto eternity’. No one could part them. Suzy’s ghost was at last laid to rest. He sat for a while and then realised that someone had entered the church. It was Willie, come to get ready for early service.
‘Oh, good morning, Rector. Sorry you’ve had to come home. Right surprised we were when we opened the curtains and saw your car there. Sylvia popped in to see if she could give a hand but Dr Harris said you’d manage.’ Willie peered closely at Peter’s face. ‘You not feeling too good, sir? You look peaky to me.’
‘Put it down to a bad night with the children, Willie. I’ll be off then. Don’t want to upset things with my stand-in. I’ll ring him later today – perhaps I could do Evensong.’
‘No such thing. You keep out of the way, sir. It is your holiday after all. Looks to me as if you could do with some sleep. I’ll see to everything, don’t you fret.’
At home the twins were in their beds, eyes beginning to close. He found a place on Alex’s face which was free from spots and kissed him. He took hold of Beth’s hand and raised it to his lips. Caroline was already in bed. Now he’d have to find the right words.
Chapter 16
Peter took off his shoes and laid himself down quietly beside her and tried to think how best to tell her what had happened. Once before he’d not told the truth; this time he had to tell her everything, no matter how much it hurt them both. But at least now he could say that he’d seen Suzy and he knew she didn’t matter one jot to him because it was she, Caroline, whom he loved beyond all and …
‘I’m taking the twins up home tomorrow.’
Peter half-sat up, resting his body weight on his elbow. He leaned over her and said, ‘Up home? What for?’
‘Because I need time to myself.’
‘Why?’ She didn’t answer him. ‘They’re too ill to travel all that way.’
‘They’ll survive.’
‘You’re going to see your mother and father?’
‘They should be leaving hospital tomorrow. They need me. You can tell everyone that’s why I’ve gone.’
‘But, darling, what help will you be to them with two small children to care for? They are such hard work, the pair of them. Leave them here. I’m off all this week – I can care for them.’ Caroline didn’t reply. He touched her arm and realised she was incredibly tense. What on earth was the matter with her? ‘Look at me.’
‘No, I shan’t.’
‘Please look at me.’
Caroline turned over to look at him and t
he pain in her eyes choked him. In a voice which was scarcely audible she said, ‘I saw her. She was waving to you, wasn’t she?’
‘Dear God, Caroline, I’d no idea you’d seen her. That must have been the most tremendous shock. Why didn’t you tell me straight away? I didn’t speak because I thought you were asleep. I’m so deeply sorry that you’ve been suffering such pain. Please, my darling, believe me when I say I’ve been lying here trying to decide how to tell you, but I didn’t know how. I was searching for the right words.’
‘Oh, were you? I think you were hoping I wouldn’t know, but Alex ran out into the road after Sylvia, and I went out to catch him and saw her wave.’
‘It was goodbye. Before God, I didn’t know she was here. Neither did she. Know we were here, I mean.’
‘Yes, but you weren’t going to tell me, were you?’
‘I was. Believe me, I was.’
‘It’s always her who makes you not be truthful to me. The fact still remains that I’m going home tomorrow. You can tell the parish whatever you like, but that’s what I’m doing. I’m terribly afraid and all mixed-up. I can’t keep going any longer, so I’m going away. I’m leaving you. I’m leaving Turnham Malpas. I’m leaving the parish. Everything. I’m leaving it all.’
‘As God is my witness we only said goodbye.’
‘So you say. But I’m going. Going home.’
‘Can I tell you what we said?’
Caroline’s body jerked with anguish. ‘No, you can’t. I don’t want to hear. Not one word.’
The two of them were silent for a while and then Caroline, her voice strangely tight and jerky, said: ‘Did she ask to see them? Because she isn’t.’
‘She did, but she isn’t. I told her quite positively.’
‘I would have killed her first.’
‘My darling girl, I think maybe you’re overwrought through sheer lack of sleep and too much worry, don’t you?’
‘Overwrought! What do you think I am? Some brainless idiot with nothing better to do than find wrongs to magnify and dwell upon? Peter! You know me better than that. You’re reducing a deeply-felt anguish to a petty triviality. You must think me unbalanced. For God’s sake!’
Alex, who’d been quietly crying for some time, began screaming.
Peter swung his legs over the edge of the bed. ‘You stay there, darling, I’ll go.’
‘He won’t let you see to him. I’ll go.’
She got out of bed and climbed in with Alex and hugged him close. From sheer exhaustion she fell asleep and so did he. Secure in her arms.
‘For one last time, I’m begging you not to go.’
‘I am.’
‘You’re much too tired.’
‘I’m not.’
‘It’s far too far for you to drive with the children by yourself. I’ll take you. Please let me take you, and I’ll leave you there with the car and come back on the train. If you don’t want me there, that is.’
‘I don’t. Please, Peter, let me go. Just let me go.’ Caroline grew angry and was within a hair’s breadth of losing control. Her white face and clenched fists warned him how close she was to breaking down.
‘Very well. But for my sake, ring me when you get there, so I know you’re safe.’ He reached out intending to kiss her goodbye, but as though his touch would be the last straw, she sprang away from him and jumped in the car.
He stood watching her turn the ignition key, fasten her safety belt; his arms and his heart aching with love for her. The children, still covered in spots and looking flushed and uncomfortable, waved their small hands to him and Beth blew him a kiss. He couldn’t bear to see them go and quickly walked back into the rectory before the car moved off. He shut the study door, and stayed in there alone until Sylvia brought him his coffee.
‘Here you are. I’ll put it on the table for you, shall I? It’s nice and hot.’ She got no reply. ‘There isn’t much for me to do today. It looks as if Dr Harris did most of the washing and ironing yesterday. I’ve dusted round and got some shopping in, so I’ll go if there’s nothing else. Rector?’
‘Thank you. Thank you for all you do. There was no need to come in this morning. You’re more than kind.’
‘I’ll pop by tomorrow as well. Don’t worry if you go out, I’ve got my key.’ Sylvia looked at him and sighed. He was sitting so scrunched-up in the easy chair that he looked as though he’d shrunk. He’d shaved, she wouldn’t have expected anything other, but his skin had a grey tinge. He looked more like forty-eight than thirty-eight.
‘Don’t take on so. They’ll be back.’
Staring into space, Peter said, ‘Her parents still live in the house they had when the girls were all at home. There’s plenty of room for them, you see. They’ve a huge garden, and a dog. The children will be very happy there. So will she. She loves the wildness of Northumberland, especially the sea coast.’
‘She’ll be back. Trust me. Give her a few days.’
Peter looked at her for the first time. ‘May God help me if she isn’t.’
‘Ron! Ron! Are you there?’
‘In the bedroom.’ Sheila ran up the stairs as fast as she could, her shopping still in her hand. She closed the bedroom door after her. ‘Ron, you won’t believe this but Caroline’s left Peter.’
‘Sheila, for goodness sake! You’re spreading rumours again.’
‘I’m not, it’s true! They all know, they’ve just been talking about it outside the Store. Apparently Sylvia and Willie know the whole story but, of course, they won’t tell. I bet even the Gestapo couldn’t get it out of them.’ Sheila sat down on the bed; in a stage whisper she asked, ‘What about Louise?’
Ron looked at her through the mirror as he tied his tie. ‘God only knows. More trouble, I expect. When is she blasted well going to get a job? If only she’d move away.’
‘I’d better tell her not to go and see him.’
‘Don’t. She’ll do the opposite. Say nothing.’
‘All right then. I’m so sorry about it all.’ She took her handkerchief from her pocket and wiped away a tear.
‘Come on, old girl, they’ll sort it out. Storm in a teacup.’
There came a tap on the bedroom door and Louise came in. ‘I’m just off to sort out the choir music. I promised I would and I’ve done nothing about it. It might take all day. I’ll come back for a sandwich, but don’t make anything for me just in case.’
‘Dad and I are going out, so we shan’t be here. There’s plenty in the fridge.’
‘You sound odd. What’s the matter?’
‘Nothing’s the matter. Off you go.’
Louise stopped at the Store to buy some chocolate to see her through the morning. By the till, elbows resting on the ledge in front of it, was a customer gossiping with Jimbo.
‘I’m telling you, Mr Charter-Plackett, I saw it with my own eyes. Just out with the dog and I saw her leaving in that big car of theirs. Loaded up as if she’s going for a lifetime. Pushchair, the lot. You don’t need me to tell yer why, do yer?’
‘Don’t I?’
‘Mean to say you ’aven’t ’eard? Yer slipping, you are. Where’ve yer been this weekend?’
‘We’ve all been away to a wedding. Got back late last night. What’s happened then?’
‘Well …’ The customer regaled Jimbo with the whole story, embellished by her own conclusions, but nevertheless the essence of it rang true. ‘Sly beggar, is that Mr Palmer. Still, quiet waters always run deep, don’t they? So we’re all concluding there’s been a rupture at the rectory because of ’er coming for the weekend.’
‘Rupture?’
‘Well, it’s certainly not rapture at the rectory, is it, let’s put it that way. How much do I owe?’
‘Oh right. Better pull myself together. Let’s see.’ He tried hard not to show how stunned he was by the news of Caroline’s departure. He’d been wondering what they’d all been talking about outside on the seat, now he knew. No, he kept telling himself, it was all hugely gigantic supposi
tion on the part of the village. They were prone to that if gossip was a bit thin on the ground. All she’d done was go home because her parents were coming out of hospital. Still, taking two small children with her, with chickenpox …?
Louise quietly chose a bar of fruit and nut, paying Jimbo the exact money so she wouldn’t be delayed at the till and find herself betrayed by her boiling emotions. Safely out of the Store, she went swiftly over to the church. Caroline had gone! For whatever reason, she’d gone! Best of all, it wasn’t her fault but Suzy’s that she’d gone. That put her, Louise, in the best possible light; because she wasn’t to blame, she could rightly sympathise. Right now his nerves would be raw. Absolutely raw. He would need a salve for his wounds. He would need understanding and – dare she say it? – comfort. She, who loved him, would have to serve that need.
In the choir vestry Louise took her big Oxford notepad out of her briefcase, two pens, sticky tape and scissors, some coloured stickers, a highlighting pen and her fruit and nut. Where to begin? When your heart is thumping with joy it’s difficult to assemble your thoughts. She’d gone! She’d left him! Best way to tackle it was to make piles, give each pile a title and then sort each pile individually, check all the pages were there, mend torn ones, throw away sheets beyond repair, but make a note in case Gilbert wanted to buy replacements. She’d gone! She’d left him! When she’d got it all written down on paper then she could put it into the computer, and he’d have a complete schedule of the music. She’d gone! She’d left him!
Gradually her heart slowed to a normal beat and she became absorbed in the music. At eleven o’clock Louise went to sit in the church to eat her chocolate, because every chair and every bit of floorspace in the vestry was covered with music. She was hot and sticky with clambering over the piles of music, so she chose a pew where she could rest her shoulder against the cool stone of a pillar. There was only one square of her chocolate left when the heavy church door opened and, caught by an unexpected gust of wind, slammed shut with an earth-shattering clang. Louise peered round the pillar to see who had come in.
The Village Show (Tales from Turnham Malpas) Page 16