She bit her lip to stop her saying what she actually thought. ‘What about Eleanor and her babies?’
Sean nodded. ‘Two girls. Both in SCBU. Three pounds, four ounces and three pounds, two ounces. Not bad for twins. One had to have a little support breathing and the other was fine.’
‘And Eleanor?’
He sighed. ‘She started bleeding out almost straight away. Her blood pressure plummeted and she had six units of blood and then some platelets. We caught her just in time.’
‘What’s happening now?’
‘She’s stable. Mainly thanks to Jacob. She’s been transferred to ICU. They need to keep a careful watch for organ failure.’
Bonnie sighed. ‘Poor woman. I hope she’s going to be okay. Will you let me know how she is?’
Sean raised his eyebrow. ‘Won’t Jacob tell you?’
Bonnie felt colour rush into her cheeks. ‘What do you mean?’
Sean seemed completely unperturbed. He leaned on the desk towards her, a cheeky grin on his face. ‘You two had a fight? For a few weeks the world of CRMU thought you’d turned Jacob into Prince Charming. But now he’s back to his usual lovely self. I take it Prince Charming has turned into a frog?’
Sean was good-natured. He was only teasing but she felt distinctly uncomfortable. She wagged her finger at him. ‘If I find out you’ve been gossiping about me, Sean, I’ll ban you from our tea room. Don’t think I don’t know who goes in there and eats all the biscuits and sweets.’
Sean pulled back in mock horror. ‘Ouch. Tough sanctions.’ He waved his hand as he started down the corridor. ‘Don’t worry, Bonnie. All your secrets are safe with me.’
She blushed again as one of the other midwives came out of a patient’s room and raised her eyebrows at the comment. She pulled her phone from her pocket. Enough was enough. It was time to make that call to the letting agency.
* * *
‘Mummy, where are we going?’ Freya was looking at the photo on the laptop screen.
Bonnie took a deep breath. ‘We’re going to stay somewhere else, honey. This was only ever temporary. Jacob let us stay for a few weeks until we could find somewhere for ourselves.’
‘But I like it here. I like staying with Jacob.’ Freya stuck her chin out and folded her arms across her chest.
I like staying with Jacob too.
She knelt down in front of Freya. ‘I know that, honey. But we have to find a home of our own.’ She tucked Freya’s hair behind her ear and turned the computer screen around to show her the flat she’d just reserved. ‘It will be fine. Honestly, it’s near to the school and you’ll still get to see all your friends.’
Freya gave a nod and stared at the cases. ‘Will we have a Christmas tree like Jacob’s?’
No. Something tugged at her heartstrings. She didn’t want to leave. She really didn’t want to leave.
Jacob was being secretive. He’d kissed her, but never made any promises. He’d never even asked her and Freya to stay for Christmas. He hadn’t asked them to leave either...in fact, he’d made lots of excuses for them not to leave. But it wasn’t the same.
A distant, secretive man was not what she needed. No matter how much he made her heart flip over. It made her question herself all the time. She needed to protect her heart and her daughter’s. They’d got too attached. Freya’s reaction now just made her even more determined.
Tears were bristling in her eyes. ‘We’ll get another Christmas tree and I promise it will be just as gorgeous as the one we decorated here.’ Bang goes my limited budget.
It was fine. She would make sure it was fine. Anything to keep Freya settled after all the disruption she’d exposed her to. She already had the ridiculously expensive doll and all her accessories that Freya wanted for Christmas. Blowing what little savings she had left on another set of Christmas decorations was an easy sacrifice.
The key turned in the lock and she heard footsteps coming towards the sitting room. Jacob. He opened the door and his face dropped as soon as he saw what they were doing. The flat was clearly visible on the laptop screen in front of them.
‘Bonnie? Freya? What’s going on?’
Bonnie could feel her heart beating against her chest. She hadn’t expected Jacob to come home—not when he’d been avoiding them. She’d planned to write him a note, thanking him for his hospitality, but saying they’d found somewhere to stay and she’d see him at work.
She put her arm around Freya’s shoulders. ‘Oh, Jacob, I didn’t expect to see you. It’s just—’ she held out her hand ‘—I think we might have outstayed our welcome. I’ve found somewhere for us to stay.’ She met his confused gaze. ‘I think it’s time for Freya and I to move on.’
His mouth was slightly agape. He looked shocked. He looked a bit hurt. And everything about this was confusing her.
This was definitely the right thing to do. This was absolutely the right thing to do.
‘I’ll miss you, Jacob.’ Freya’s little voice cut through the silence. ‘Thank you for letting us stay.’
Jacob knelt down opposite her. ‘I’ll miss you too, Freya.’ His voice sounded hoarse. ‘You...and your mother.’ He didn’t look up. He didn’t look at Bonnie at all.
This was it. This was his chance to say something. To tell Bonnie that his feelings were every bit as strong as hers.
That he wanted to kiss her again—just as he had the other night.
That he wanted to spend more time with her and Freya. That he wanted to give this relationship a chance. That this actually was a relationship.
That she wasn’t completely crazy, and he was as crazy about her as she was about him.
She held her breath. Waiting. Waiting. For something. For anything.
But nothing came. Jacob still couldn’t look her in the eye.
‘Freya, go and get your coat and shoes. We need to go to the shops.’ Freya disappeared without a word.
He lifted his head. ‘Why are you leaving? Why are you leaving now?’
It was the way he said the word. She stepped forwards, everything erupting to the surface. ‘We can’t be here any more. Freya’s getting too used to being around you.’ She lifted her eyes. ‘And so am I.’
She gave her head a shake. ‘This was a bad idea. You helped us out, thank you. But I have no idea what’s happening between us, Jacob.’ She held out her hands. ‘I have no idea what this is.’ She took a deep breath. ‘I’ve found somewhere for us to go. We’ll be out of your hair.’
‘You have? Where? Is it one of those ones that you showed me?’ He sounded automatically defensive—as if he were going to tell them not to go.
She shook her head. ‘No, it’s another. It’s small, but in the area of Freya’s school. It will suit us for the next few months until we can find something else.’ She licked her lips. This was horrible. This was awkward.
There was a huge hand currently inside her chest, squeezing her heart hard.
Jacob looked at her again. There was a flash of something behind his eyes, which disappeared almost instantly. He looked down again.
‘What’s going on, Jacob? I know something’s been bothering you the last few days. But you haven’t said anything. You’ve been avoiding me. I thought we could talk about things.’ Her voice was edged with hopefulness that he might actually respond.
He shook his head. ‘There’s nothing.’ His voice was flat.
His dismissal made her mad. ‘Don’t say that. Don’t say it’s nothing. I know it is. Tell me. Tell me what’s going on.’ She was shouting now and she could almost see all his barriers being built up all around him. She bit her lip in anger and tried one last time. ‘I thought we could share things. I told you about my past—and you told me about yours. At least I thought you had.’
She glanced towards the door, worried that Freya would r
eappear.
He sucked in a deep breath. It made him seem taller, his chest wider and more imposing. ‘Not everything can be shared. Not everything is your business.’ His words were clipped.
‘Then we have to go,’ she said quietly. ‘I can’t be around you, Jacob. I can’t watch my little girl forming a closer attachment to you day by day when I feel as if you can’t be honest with me.’ She picked up her green coat. ‘I’ve been down this road before.’ Her eyes swept down to the floor and she gave a little shake of her head. ‘I thought that this time I could trust my judgement.’ She lifted her head and met his gaze. ‘I guess I was wrong.’
There was silence for a few seconds.
‘I hope you’ll be happy,’ he said quietly.
Something inside her died. That was it. Nothing else.
She’d been wrong. She’d been wrong about her and Jacob. There was nothing between them. A wave of humiliation washed over her.
She’d never felt like such a fool—not even when she’d found Robert in bed with her friend. Everything about this was different. With Robert, there had been no emotional investment left. With Jacob?
This hurt. This hurt so much it felt as if it could kill her.
Freya appeared at the door and she took her hand. ‘Goodbye, Jacob.’ Her voice was trembling. She just hoped he didn’t notice.
She held herself straight and lifted her head before she opened the door and walked outside.
It was definitely time to go.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
JACOB TUGGED AT the collar of his shirt. It had never seemed tight before, but today it was cutting into him.
He hadn’t slept a wink last night. Probably because everything about yesterday felt wrong and his house was...empty.
He shuffled on the seat and glanced at his watch for the hundredth time. He wasn’t good at being a patient. Probably because he wasn’t exactly that—patient. He watched as the door to the consultant’s office opened and he sat up anxiously. The woman sitting next to him rustled her newspaper nervously as she was called in. He sighed and leaned back again.
That woman looked exactly the way he did—sick with worry. It was so strange being on the other side of the fence. This was exactly why he’d gone into obstetrics. He wanted to help life into the world. He wanted people to have joy in their lives.
Oncology services? Never. He hated having to give any expectant mother bad news. Imagine having to do this almost every day? He couldn’t stomach that.
Right now he couldn’t think about all the cancer success stories.
His insides clenched once again as he took some deep breaths. Worst-case scenarios. That was all that was running through his head right now. Stepping back from colleagues, stepping back from the job that he loved so he could undergo another set of treatment. Feeling sick to his stomach for days on end. Forgetting completely about any chance of a relationship with Bonnie and Freya. Living the rest of his life alone.
It wasn’t what he wanted. None of this was what he wanted.
But the way he felt right now? There was no way he could put this on Bonnie and Freya.
What he wanted was a fiery redhead and her adorable daughter.
The words he’d wanted to say yesterday had stuck in his throat. Don’t go. Stay with me, please—even though I’m not sure I can offer you a future. He couldn’t put himself out there—not until he really knew what he was offering.
But one thing she’d said had affected him more than others. Freya was becoming too attached. He felt it too. And it seemed entirely natural. As if that was the way it should be. Because the little part of his heart he hadn’t blocked off wanted to feel like that. But right now, his brain couldn’t even let himself go there.
He was finding it hard enough to deal with himself without having to worry about other people’s feelings. He couldn’t even begin to imagine forming a relationship with Freya, only for her to have to be told down the line that her parent figure had died.
He knew exactly what that did to a kid. He could never wish that on another.
His house had been hideously empty last night. It was odd; it had never felt that way before. When he’d lived alone he’d never noticed the silence.
But last night he had. Every noise had seemed to echo through the empty rooms. Taking out one cup for coffee, or one glass for wine, had seemed pathetic. Finding Freya’s plastic cup in the sink had made his hands shake and for a second he’d thought he might break down.
The pain he’d felt last night was familiar.
Bonnie had left. His mother had left. Not in the same way, of course. But he felt every bit as raw now as he had all those years ago.
The pressure of the waiting game was almost breaking him.
The hands on his watch moved oh-so-slowly. Ten minutes felt like two hours. He just wanted to know. Even if the test results were bad at least he could start making plans.
He jumped as the door opened and the woman came back out, a stunned expression on her pale face. Did she get good news, or bad?
‘Jacob Layton?’
He was on his feet in an instant.
‘Come in, please.’
For a second his feet were stuck to the floor, but he was too determined to get this part over with to let anything hold him back. He took long strides into the room, not waiting to be offered a seat, his eyes scanning the notes upside down on the desk. Trying to see if they would reveal anything.
The oncology consultant closed the door and took his seat opposite Jacob. Desmond Carter had looked after Jacob throughout his treatment. As soon as he’d been diagnosed, Jacob had looked for the best. Someone who would understand his need to continue to work and be able to tailor his treatment to his needs.
Desmond should probably have retired years ago. His hair was grey, his face deeply lined. But it appeared he loved his job as much as Jacob loved his.
He gave Jacob a little nod of acknowledgement. Another thing Jacob liked about Desmond Carter—he was a straight talker. He didn’t give false platitudes and he told it like it was.
He glanced down at the notes in front of him. ‘Jacob, let’s talk about these test results.’
* * *
Bonnie was on edge. She was nervous about having moved to the new tiny flat just before Christmas. Nervous about the impact on Freya. Nervous about how she felt now she was out from under Jacob’s roof.
It’s temporary. She kept repeating the words in her head—hoping she might start to believe them.
She’d had to do it. Had to. She couldn’t go on like this. Her insides had been so screwed up last night, praying, just praying Jacob might say something to her about how he felt. When it hadn’t happened she’d spent the rest of the night crying into her pillow. Pathetic.
This was about her. This wasn’t really about Jacob.
She was scared. Scared of putting herself out there and getting into a relationship with another man. She’d vowed to herself that if she ever got involved again, she would be absolutely sure. There wouldn’t be a hint of doubt in her head.
But if Jacob couldn’t tell her how he felt about her and Freya...then she was right. She was right to move out and give herself some headspace. Some time to make sure she could trust her judgement when it came to men.
The labour suite was busy today. All the staff kept joking about a power cut in Cambridge nine months before. And it certainly felt like that—she’d been catching babies all day.
But she hadn’t caught sight of Jacob all day. It was probably just as well. He was bound to be avoiding her again. The further she pushed Jacob Layton from her mind, the better.
She finished stripping a bed in one of the rooms and walked along the corridor to the sluice. It was all hands on deck today; they even had a few midwives from some of the other areas helping out
.
As she walked past the treatment room she glimpsed Isabel in a conversation with Hope.
Both had always been warm and friendly towards her—even inviting her to join them for dinner—and Jacob had mentioned that he was friends with both women. It struck her as a little strange. He seemed to hold them both in high regard, but she hadn’t really seen him talking with either one.
‘What’s going on with Jacob?’ Bonnie’s footsteps stilled as Isabel’s Australian accent floated out towards her.
They were drawing up a controlled drug for a pregnant woman in labour.
‘How would I know?’ answered Hope. ‘I can barely get him to talk to me these days. It’s a shame, but for a while we started to see the old Jacob again.’
Bonnie walked into the sluice and pushed the laundry into one of the baskets. She wasn’t trying to overhear, but the two rooms were right next to each other with only a thin corridor leading to the sister’s office separating them. She could still hear every word. She walked over to the sink to wash her hands.
‘Do you think it’s the cancer again?’
She froze. What?
Hope sounded serious. ‘Do you think it’s back? Oh, no. Don’t say that. Not after everything he’s been through.’
‘Wouldn’t he be due to get reassessed again? Some tests to see if the treatment’s worked?’
The water was trickling in front of her but she hadn’t moved.
Jacob. Jacob had cancer. Her Jacob had cancer and hadn’t told her.
No. He couldn’t possibly have. This couldn’t be right. She held out her hands automatically, going through the motions of washing and drying them.
He hadn’t lost his hair. It was short. But not missing. She hadn’t noticed any marks on his skin for IV chemotherapy. He hadn’t been sick around her. He didn’t look sickly.
Really? Jacob had cancer? She finished drying her hands.
She couldn’t help it. Her legs took her straight to the door of the treatment room.
‘Jacob has cancer?’ Her voice cracked. She could barely get the words out; her eyes were already filling with tears.
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