by Debra Lee
Reilly glanced around. “Where is the little princess anyway?”
“Sleeping finally,” Mary said as she poured them each a cup of coffee. “I think the rascal has her days and nights mixed up.”
They automatically made themselves comfortable at the table. Truthfully neither one was comfortable. Mary sensed Reilly was chomping at the bit for her to tell him what the urgency was that he come calling first thing in the morning. The way he gripped his coffee mug and tapped his foot on the linoleum let her know it was getting to him even though he hadn’t said so. But she held off as long as she could. Which wasn’t long before a big grin broke over her face.
“I finished your book.”
The early morning sun beamed through the window and into Reilly’s eyes but didn’t blind him to what he saw on Mary’s face. He still had to ask the question that her expression already answered. “Did you like it?”
Mary struggled to remain calm and sipped her coffee before she said, “Well—”
“Now that’s a pretty deep subject, Mare,” Reilly said without hesitation, proud of his self control. Or was he stalling because he feared criticism? As a betting man he’d put his money on the latter.
“I can handle a simple yes, I loved it or a no I hated it.”
Mary started to lift her cup to her lips and stopped. “Yes, I loved it,” she blurted and chuckled.
Reilly took a deep breath as he leaned back in his chair. He leaned too far and the chair went out from under him.
Mary jumped up and rushed over to help him up. “You okay?”
Reilly’s face shaded red as he nodded yes and rubbed the back of his head where it had hit the floor.
“You really liked it? You aren’t just sayin’ it. You liked it.” He shook his head yes right along with Mary.
“I really liked it. It’s a page-turner.”
“Yeah? So you think it’s ready to send to a publisher?”
“I can’t see how you’d make it any more frightening. I’ll tell you I did a lot of looking over my shoulder after I finished it. Still am.”
Reilly’s enthusiasm came crashing down around him and he became dead serious. “I didn’t mean to scare you, Mare. But I got your attention, huh?”
“You sure did. But honestly, Reilly, where did you get the idea?”
Reilly stood up his chair and eased back down on it. When he glanced up at Mary the happy blue eyes she expected to see were filled with fear.
“This isn’t a true story is it? I mean you don’t actually know someone that’s a saint during the day and tortures and kills people at night, right?”
“Of course not. But when I was going to college this one professor was really a mind blower. A meticulous dresser, perfectionist in his work, but there was something.” He took a sip of his coffee. “You know the old sayin’; we all have skeletons in our closets?” Mary nodded. “A lot of times during class I’d try to figure out what his were. First I visualized him as some international spy.”
“Your book isn’t a spy novel, Reilly.”
“No. See when I sat down to write I was overcome with this Jekyll and Hyde idea. The professor seemed more suited to that than to a spy.”
“Sounds like you didn’t care for the guy.”
Reilly finished his drink. Mary sensed his thoughts were miles away before he suddenly responded. “Professor Abraham was my favorite teacher. I ended up with an A, too.”
Mary jumped when the phone rang. She answered on the second ring. Before she got out a hello she heard Jena cry. Reilly was up and out of the kitchen before Mary knew what to do. After what Reilly just told her she wasn’t sure she trusted him alone with her baby.
It took her a few seconds to recognize whose voice came through the receiver. Kyle’s words only broke her concentration for a moment. Her thoughts remained with Reilly as she watched from around the corner as he disappeared into the nursery.
“Yes. We’re fine, Kyle. No. No problem. We’ll be here.”
Mary hung up and rushed toward Jena’s room only to stop dead in her tracks in the doorway. She felt tears come into her eyes when she saw Reilly with Jena cradled in his arms as he rocked her.
She considered her tears were from instant relief seeing Jena safe, but then doubted herself. She would sooner believe they were the result of a combination of joy and sorrow. It was good for Jena to become acquainted with a male figure. But why couldn’t it be Kyle? Why couldn’t he be the one singing a lullaby to her instead of Reilly?
Precisely what reminded her Kyle was on his way over. By his tone on the telephone Mary sensed it wasn’t to bring good news. And she wasn’t about to torture herself for a second thinking he was coming to say he had made a terrible mistake. That it was her he loved and wanted to share his life with. No, Mary refused to let herself fall prey to the dream she’d had for months now. After all, it was just a dream. It had come time to face reality. And as painful as it was, she knew Kyle would never love her. At least not in the way she wanted him to.
“She’s either a good pretender or she’s fast asleep,” Reilly whispered as he carefully worked himself out of the rocker and carried Jena back to her crib.
Mary was unaware she was smiling as she watched him handle Jena as if one false move and she would break.
“I don’t think she’s pretending,” Mary said as Reilly backed out of the room.
“Isn’t it remarkable how two people can create—” When Reilly glanced over at Mary he suspected she wasn’t listening. “I guess I should gather up my manuscript and head to the paper.”
“And I should get dressed. Kyle’s stopping by,” Mary said as she quickly ushered Reilly to the door.
“Suppose it wouldn’t look too good me here so early and you not bein’ dressed and all.”
Exactly what crossed Mary’s mind. But on second thought, why should it matter what Kyle Frederick thought? He had no claim on her. No right to judge her. So why couldn’t she stop believing he did? Why couldn’t she let go? Start over with someone else.
She didn’t have the answers or the time to try and find them. Reilly left and she hurried off to get dressed.
Chapter Ten
Ellie Webber locked her apartment door and turned to leave the building. The wailing sound coming from Mary’s apartment stopped her cold. She glanced at her wristwatch and saw she was going to be late for the bridge game at Louise’s if she didn’t leave immediately.
She stepped up to Mary’s door and waited a few seconds. Jena’s crying grew more intense. She knocked on the door. Her knuckles hurt by the time the door opened a crack then closed again so Mary could slip off the chain.
“Oh my,” Ellie gasped when Mary opened the door all the way and she got a good look at her.
Mary’s eyes were red and puffy from crying. Jena was screaming while Mary bounced her in her arms trying to calm her.
“I can’t get her to quiet down,” Mary said.
Ellie reached out and took Jena into her arms. She cooed and cuddled her to her chest.
Soon the baby became calm in her arms. She snuggled against Ellie’s one breast like she was rooting for nourishment.
“Why I think she’s hungry. Yes I do,” Ellie said as she let Jena suck on her pinky finger.
Mary’s brow wrinkled with worry as her finger reached over into Jena’s tiny hand when she said, “But I just finished nursing her.”
“Perhaps a little gas then,” Ellie said and smiled as she looked down at Jena slowly giving in to sleep.
A smile broke over Mary’s face as she watched Jena’s eyelids flicker until they finally closed and stayed closed.
“I’ll go put her down,” Ellie whispered without taking her eyes off the baby. She slowly swayed from side to side as she took baby steps into the nursery.
Mary watched until she disappeared around the doorway. The urge to follow was strong. But Mary felt she was the cause of her baby’s frustration. Jena had sensed her emotional state. The heart wrenching feeling of
loss Kyle left Mary with when he walked out the door for the last time less than hour ago.
“I’m sorry, Mare. But it has to be this way,” Kyle told her once she served him a cup of his favorite herbal tea. Mary disliked the drink and yet after all these months she continued to keep a fresh supply on hand.
Now she wouldn’t have to buy it anymore. Kyle Frederick wasn’t coming back. The weekly visits she’d decided to permit weren’t going to happen now.
“Elaine is my wife, Mare. If I want her to remain so I cannot see you and Jena again.”
Mary began feeling lightheaded and eased into the chair across from him on the couch. She wanted to protest. To tell him he wasn’t being fair to Jena. How could he love a woman who refused to allow him to visit with his own daughter? Why did he love this woman more than his own child? There were so many other questions she wanted to demand answers to but could not bring herself to speak.
When Kyle reached into his jacket pocket and pulled out a check, Mary remained speechless.
“I agreed to Elaine’s ultimatum with the understanding I be allowed to help out with Jena financially like I promised.”
How generous of you, Mary wanted to say with biting sarcasm. But still the words just would not materialize. Nothing seemed to work for her. Even as Kyle spread out the check on the coffee table and stood to leave Mary was unable to budge. It was as if her bottom had been sewn fast to the chair and her feet glued to the carpet.
Mary was positive she saw tears in Kyle’s eyes when he moved toward the door, stopped, and turned back to her. His voice was thick with emotion when he said, “Goodbye, Mary Murray.”
Briefly his eyes met Mary’s. Then he was gone.
At that moment Mary felt herself begin to tremble until she shook uncontrollably. The floodgates opened and she cried and cried. Eventually Jena’s wails reached her, forcing her to get some kind of control over herself. But when she picked up Jena, fed and changed her, the baby continued to cry, Mary right along with her.
Mary cried for Kyle, for Jena, and a little for herself.
Now as she returned to the chair she was attached to earlier, the desire to cry was no longer overpowering her. A surge of determination made its way into the gaping void Kyle left her with months ago. Mary understood this new feeling. It had come time to let go and move on.
Ellie emerged from the nursery. Her smile assured Mary Jena was fine. But Mary already knew that when she stood and returned Ellie’s warm smile. Jena would be just fine without Kyle in her life just like Mary was determined to be.
“Thank you, Ellie.”
Ellie reached out and touched her hand, concern etched into her slightly crinkled face when she said, “Are you okay, honey?”
Mary nodded that she was, surprised at the strength in the frail looking woman’s hand when she squeezed hers.
There was no reason Mary should’ve assumed Ellie to be one foot in the grave. Especially when she thought of her own grandmother, still going strong at eighty, which made Ellie’s powerful grip suddenly seem okay. After all, the woman was only in her sixties.
“Sometimes a baby will cry just because she likes to hear herself. So now promise you won’t let it work you up so the next time it happens?”
“It wasn’t Jena. I mean not being able to calm her down was upsetting.” Mary paused a few seconds then came out with it. “Kyle was here.”
“I see.”
“He won’t be coming back.”
“I’m sorry, honey.”
“There are a lot of kids out there with only one parent nowadays.”
“I know. Rather unfair to those couples who can’t have a child.”
Ellie suddenly had a look about her that was unfamiliar to Mary. It was as if she had a side completely remote to what Mary had ever seen before.
“Suppose, but then there’s a lot that’s not fair in life.” Mary waited for a snappy response, but Ellie seemed lost in her private thoughts.
“Would you like a cup of tea or something, Ellie?”
Ellie blinked and gave Mary her full attention. “No, I really must go. I’m filling in for one of Louise’s bridge players this afternoon. I’ll be the target of gossip at next week’s game if I’m too late to play.”
Mary’s eyes narrowed. “Sounds like a nice group of ladies.”
“They’re not so bad. A bunch of gossipmongers, but any one of them would be there in a minute for one of the others in a crisis.”
Mary watched Ellie go, waving to her as she started down the hall. Then she hurried into the nursery to check on Jena. More or less to watch over her while she slept. As she watched her daughter, Mary thought of the wonderful future they had in store, just the two of them.
***
The weatherman reported Indian summer was here on the morning news and Mary planned to take full advantage. She dressed Jena in the pink sweater and matching cap Ellie knitted for her and set out on their daily stroll downtown. Mary pushed Jena into the park and had a seat on the bench that faced the river.
The late morning sun filtered through the autumn leaves and shimmered down around Mary. She closed her eyes and tilted back her head to feel the warmth of the sun and listen to the river water drift southward. But the moment of pleasure was soon interrupted by reality.
This was it. Tomorrow she had to return to work. It would be her first day away from Jena.
She reached down for Jena and cradled her in her arms. She was already missing her. Mary couldn’t deny she missed her job as the district attorney’s personal secretary. It was mostly in the afternoons when Jena would nap for two or three hours and Mary ran out of things to do around the apartment that she missed being in the office.
But when Jena woke Mary would be right there smiling down at her. Over the last week Jena began returning her smile. In a few months she’d roll over for the first time. Then one day she’d crawl. Another day she’d pull herself up. That first step would come next. And somewhere in there she’d say her first word. But Mary had no way of knowing if she’d be there when Jena did any of those things for the first time. And that’s what depressed her.
She attempted to explain this to Carol the other night when she popped in with a pizza and videos.
“Look, twenty years from now Jena’s not going to remember if you were there or not when she walked across the room the first time,” Carol said.
“But I’ll know,” Mary came back with.
Jena was in her swing that had taken the place of one of the end tables in the living room. The swing stopped and Carol got up and made it go again.
Mary knew Carol had done this to keep Jena quiet so their conversation wouldn’t be interrupted like it was most times these days. But Mary didn’t mind. It was kind of nice having Carol participate with Jena for a change. But the real tickler would be the day Carol took Jena up in her arms and attempted to get to know her. That hadn’t happened yet. And Mary was beginning to have doubts it ever would.
“Going back to work is exactly what you need, Mare. You’ve been holed up in this apartment for weeks now. And that’s just not any good.”
“I go out. I take Jena for a walk almost every day the weather’s nice. We go to the grocery and—”
“That’s what I mean. You have no life.”
Mary sprang off the couch and began clearing the coffee table of empty paper plates and soda cans. She wasn’t ignoring what Carol said. The truth is that’s all she was thinking about. And the more she did, the more upset she became.
Finally, she stopped what she was doing and looked Carol square in the eyes. “I do have a life.”
“Changing diapers and having a kid hanging on your boob half the day hardly qualifies.”
Mary was taken aback. For a few seconds she didn’t know what to say. The silence that fell around them gave her a chance to temporarily cool down.
“There’s more to being a mother than you think, Carol.”
When Carol more or less ignored her, her way of letting
Mary know she didn’t want to argue, Mary gave up. Besides, how could she be angry with Carol when there was no way she understood the joys that came with motherhood. And it would be pointless to argue further because of that. One day when Carol had a child of her own she would understand. That is if she ever had a child. Mary couldn’t forget Carol’s comment when Mary had looked like the Good Year blimp. There was a good chance Carol meant it when she said she’d never get pregnant.
Mary glanced down and saw Jena had fallen asleep in her arms. With a smile, she carefully returned her to the stroller and headed back through town to her apartment building.
She slipped Jena out of her sweater and hat and was putting her down in her crib when she heard the knock on the door. She knew it had to be Reilly or Ellie. Both seemed to pop in unexpectedly a lot lately. It was as if they sensed Jena was sleeping and Mary needed company. But when Mary pulled open the door guessing it was Reilly this time, she was stunned.
Her smile lost to the shock. Mary sensed the woman standing in her doorway noticed the jolt her appearance gave her. But Elaine didn’t acknowledge it as she breezed past Mary as if she had every right to enter without being invited to do so.
“We have to talk, Miss Murray.”
Mary watched the woman with striking long legs and perfect posture stop in the middle of her living room. In one clean sweep she took in her surroundings before focusing those killer blue eyes on Mary.
It seemed unfair that someone who gave birth the same day she had could look so good. Model thin dressed in her tight fitting designer skirt and jacket.
“Please come in,” Mary finally said and closed the door.
“I’ll make this brief. I’ve come as one mother speaking to another. We both want what is best for our daughters.”
Mary motioned toward the couch. “Would you like to sit?”
“No, I’m not staying.”
“Look Elaine, if you’re here to tell me you don’t want Kyle to see Jena—”
“That’s not why I’m here. I know Kyle hasn’t been seeing your child. He has no intention to.” As she said it she spotted the eight by ten photograph of Jena framed above the television. Mary watched her move closer to get a better look.