by Sean McIndoe
I guess what I'm saying is I don't see the Habs beating either one of these teams in the final unless something miraculous happens.
1:46 a.m. Hey, totally off-topic, but have you noticed how Marty McSorley never seems to get any air under his shots? I have a friend who works on the Kings' equipment staff; I'm going to call him up after this series and suggest Marty start using a bigger curve on his stick.
1:48 a.m. Two minutes left. It's now or never for the Leafs. If they're going to make history tonight, somebody has to step up right now.
1:49 a.m. Felix Potvin stops a Kings 3-on-2 with ninety seconds left. He quickly plays it up to Gilmour, then heads for the bench. The Leafs are pressing as Wendel Clark hits the ice as the sixth attacker. Dougie finds him with a seeing-eye pass … and Wendel is all alone at the top of the circle!
1:49 a.m. Clark winds …
1:49 a.m. Clark shoots …
(Author's note: The notebook's next few pages are stuck together. Skipping ahead a bit.)
1:53 a.m. (Extinguishes cigarette.)
1:55 a.m. Wendel Clark is simply unstoppable tonight. That was his third goal, and they've all been beauties. This might be the greatest game of his career. It might be the greatest game of any Leaf's career, ever. He's single-handedly willing the Leafs into the final, and there's not a thing the Kings can do about it.
Mark my words: The Leafs are winning this game in overtime on their first even-strength shift.
1:57 a.m. Uh-oh. Glenn Anderson just drove Rob Blake headfirst into the end boards in the dying seconds of regulation. He got two minutes for boarding, and the Kings will start OT on the power play.
Now look, some Leaf fans are going to complain about a penalty being handed out this late in a crucial game. But I'm going to defend the referee, whoever that happens to be tonight. What Anderson did is a penalty. Period. It's right there in the rulebook. And you have to call it, even if it's an important game. Nay, you have to call it because it's an important game. The rules are the rules, and you can't ignore them just because you have to make an unpopular call.
1:58 a.m. Turns out the referee tonight is Kerry Fraser, by the way. Just making a note of it for the sake of completeness. I'm sure it won't end up being important.
2:00 a.m. And we're into the intermission.
2:10 a.m. Ugh. CBC is killing time before OT by showing us a bunch of Habs propaganda. They're doing features on some of their all-time greats. It's pretty standard stuff, although I did learn one thing: Did you know that former Habs tough guy John Ferguson has a son who took fifteen tries to graduate junior kindergarten? Inspiring story. I wish them all the best.
2:15 a.m. So nervous … We're one goal away from a trip to the Stanley Cup final. We just need to kill this penalty. Here goes nothing.
2:17 a.m. My God. Wayne Gretzky just high-sticked Doug Gilmour right in the face! Dougie is bleeding all over the ice. I don't have to tell you what that means: It's going to be five minutes and a game, since that's what the rulebook says and is how it's been called every single other time it's happened all year.
2:18 a.m. I mean, I really can't overstate how incredible this turn of events is. Wayne Gretzky is going to get kicked out of this game. They'll play four-on-four for a few more seconds, and then the Leafs will have an extended power play.
2:18 a.m. Look, not to get ahead of myself here, but good God almighty, the Leafs are going to score on this power play. There's no doubt in my mind. Wendel is unstoppable tonight. He's going to score, the Leafs are going to win the game, and then they're going to play the Montreal Canadiens for the Stanley Cup. I am literally seconds away from experiencing what will no doubt stand as the greatest moment of my young life.
2:19 a.m. Hmm, it's taking a lot longer than usual to call this penalty.
2:19 a.m. One more thought while they clear up whatever minor procedural matter is causing this delay. This high-sticking major on Wayne Gretzky, the announcement of which is no doubt a mere formality, is going to go down as one of the most stunning calls in NHL history. It will be discussed for decades. And Kerry Fraser is going to be the one to make it.
Imagine how he feels right now. With 20,000 fans in the building and millions more watching on TV, he's been handed a chance to make one of the toughest calls in league history. This is the moment that every official in every sport dreams of. This exact moment is why you pick up that whistle in the first place.
I guess what I'm trying to say is this: For the rest of hockey history, whenever you hear the phrase “Referee who stares down the biggest call of his career and chokes on his whistle,” you will immediately think, “The exact opposite of Kerry Fraser.”
2:20 a.m. Um, why is Wayne Gretzky taking the face-off?
2:20 a.m. WHY IS WAYNE GRETZKY TAKING THE FACE-OFF???
2:20 a.m. Oh God, he didn't call it. He didn't call it he didn't call it he didn't call it he didn't call it …
(Author's note: That goes on for several dozen pages. I'm just going to skip ahead.)
2:22 a.m. Hockey gods, can we talk?
Look, I understand what's happening here. Kerry Fraser just refused to call an obvious penalty that could have helped send the Leafs to a historic showdown with the Canadiens for the Stanley Cup. I see what you're doing, and I know where this is going. I know the Leafs are going to lose this game now. Every Leaf fan knows it. In fact, there's really no reason to string us along. You might as well just have the goal happen right now.
But first, just one request: Have it be somebody other than Gretzky who scores, OK? Anyone but the guy who still has Dougie's blood on his stick. That's not too much to ask, is it?
I'm so young and full of hope right now. My whole life as a hockey fan is spread out before me. So much optimism. So much possibility. And I can't help but feel like this could be a turning point, hockey gods. If you let Gretzky score right here, I'm going to have to go ahead and assume that you hate Leaf fans and want us to suffer forever. And I don't know if I could handle that.
But I do know this: I really don't want to turn into some bitter, burnt-out Leaf fan who rants about things that happened a generation ago in a way that starts off funny but gradually just makes everyone around him uncomfortable. Don't let that happen to me, hockey gods. Please.
Just not Gretzky. Anyone but Gretzky.
2:23 a.m. Of course.
2:24 a.m. I will not cry. You will not get that satisfaction, hockey gods. Not tonight.
(Author's note: The next few entries are hard to read. I must have spilled a glass of water on them or something.)
2:32 a.m. You know what? This isn't the end of this series. Sure, it's a terrible way to lose. Sure, it will probably cost Kerry Fraser his career because even the zero-accountability NHL wouldn't try to defend this level of incompetence and will no doubt fire him first thing tomorrow morning.
But I'm not going to let this get me down. After all, I still have a lot going for me. The Blue Jays continue to dominate against smaller markets like Boston. Letterman's new show will debut soon and wipe Leno off the air for good. And Chinese Democracy should be out by the end of the year.
And most important of all: There's still game seven, Saturday night at the Gardens. The Leafs still have a shot. They may win. They may lose. But they still have a shot.
And I'll tell you this much: Wayne Gretzky just used up a lifetime's worth of luck tonight. If he's going to be a factor in game seven, he better be ready to play the best game of his career. Because if there's any justice left in the hockey world, his days of fluke goals are over.
Leafs in seven, baby. They're winning this series, and then they're beating the Habs. The dynasty begins now. The Maple Leafs are winning the Stanley Cup.
Because, man … God help me if they don't.
Chapter 18
An In-depth Comparison: Mario Lemieux vs. Patrick Roy
It's one of those wonderful coincidences that occasionally shows up in sports history: Two of the NHL's all-time greatest players, Mario Lemieux
and Patrick Roy, were born just a short distance apart on the same day of the same year.
And while October 5, 1965, would go on to become one of the most famous birthdays in league history, it wasn't the only way in which the lives of these two hockey legends would overlap. Both players debuted in the 1984–85 season, both won multiple Stanley Cups, and both earned a spot in the Hall of Fame.
Of course, the two players weren't completely similar. Here are some of the subtle differences between two of hockey's most celebrated stars:
Roy: Often seemed to be the quickest player on the ice, despite playing the whole game wearing forty pounds of goaltending equipment.
Lemieux: Often seemed to be the quickest player on the ice, despite playing the whole game wearing 400 pounds of defensemen hanging off his back.
Lemieux: Was deceptively fast going from center ice to the goal, often arriving before the opponent's defense was ready for him.
Roy: Was deceptively fast going from the goal to center ice, often arriving before the Red Wings' goaltender was ready for him.
Roy: Was known to talk to his posts before an important game, even though he knew that they were inanimate objects that couldn't communicate back to him.
Lemieux: Occasionally hung out with the Samuelsson brothers.
Lemieux: The Penguins unveiled a statue in his honor in March 2012.
Roy: The Canadiens employed a statue as his backup goalie from 1990 to 1994.
Roy: Is one of the only players in hockey history to have had two different franchises retire his number.
Lemieux: Only ever had his number retired by the Penguins, although during the 1991 final he did leave Shawn Chambers's jockstrap hanging from the rafters.
Lemieux: Made one of the most famous plays of his career during the Olympic gold medal game in 2002, when he allowed an incoming puck to slide through his legs so that teammate Paul Kariya could score.
Roy: A few months later, paid tribute to Lemieux during game seven against the Red Wings by allowing incoming pucks to slide through his legs all game long.
Roy: Was caught winking at Kings' player Tomas Sandstrom during the Cup final because he knew with absolute certainty that he was going to win.
Lemieux: Was caught winking at Gary Bettman before the drawing at the 2005 Sidney Crosby draft lottery because he was being friendly. Why, what did you think it was?
Lemieux: Became inextricably linked with Wayne Gretzky at the 1987 Canada Cup when the two combined to score the winning goal in the final game.
Roy: Became inextricably linked with Wayne Gretzky at the 1998 Olympics when Marc Crawford apparently decided they were both equally qualified to take a shot in the shoot-out.
Roy: Put together one of the greatest clutch performances in post-season history in 1993 when he won a record eleven consecutive overtime games.
Lemieux: Has no idea what you're talking about, since he had the 1993 playoffs surgically erased from his memory.
Lemieux: Complained vocally about a 2011 Penguins/Islanders brawl because he felt the league had allowed the use of goon tactics to become too prevalent.
Roy: Complained vocally about a 2011 Penguins/Islanders brawl because he felt the goalie fight was way too short.
Roy: During a blowout loss against the Red Wings, had a heated conversation with the Canadiens team president that resulted in him being traded to the Colorado Avalanche.
Lemieux: Late in his career, had several heated conversations with the Penguins team president that resulted in his wife knocking on the bathroom door and telling him to stop talking to himself again.
Lemieux: Likely saved professional hockey in Pittsburgh in 1999 when he rescued the Penguins from bankruptcy and became their majority owner.
Roy: Has never been involved with ownership at the NHL level, unless you count Jeremy Roenick in the playoffs.
Chapter 19
The NHL's Plan for Appealing to Video Game Fans
At its heart, the NHL is in the entertainment business. And these days, that can be a tough business to be in. There's more competition for our attention and our dollars than ever before, and it's getting increasingly difficult to appeal to younger fans who may not have grown up with the game the way their parents and grandparents did.
The shifting interests of the younger generation, who increasingly prefer the quicker pace and instant gratification of video games, has become a league-wide problem. The NHL can't survive without the younger demographic, and right now that potential fan base often doesn't seem to like what it sees from the league.
Luckily, the NHL has a plan. Sources tell me that the league is already working on several initiatives to lure video game fans back to the NHL product. Here's the full list:
Every game, one lucky fan gets to carjack the Zamboni and back over the driver.
To make online gamers feel at home, replace traditional play-by-play announcers with racist and homophobic twelve-year-olds who apparently have no parents.
Four words: Rock Band Brass Bonanza.
Replace the shoot-out with an actual shoot-out.
Stop referring to Maple Leafs penalty killers as “hesitant,” “slow,” or “lethargic.” Begin referring to them as “laggy.”
During post-game interviews, encourage players to whine dramatically about the burden of avenging their dead fathers.
All fights will now be preceded by a glass-breaking effect, for some reason.
Players will no longer be suspended for touching off full-scale brawls by leaping off of the bench and charging wildly into a melee—as long as they remember to yell “Leeroy Jenkins” first.
All games will now feature background music. Seven seconds of background music. Repeated over, and over, and over.
At the end of every season, the Art Ross winner has thirty seconds to sign his initials on the high-score board.
To make the television broadcasts look more like a sports video game, all fans will be encouraged to dress alike, be heavily pixelated, and constantly stand up and awkwardly wave their arms around for no reason.
Bettman: Arkham City.
Instead of a final buzzer, every game will now end with a brief cut-scene, classical music, and seventeen minutes of scrolling Japanese names.
Hit the reset button on the entire league and reload the saved game from 1994.
Chapter 20
A Period-by-Period Recap of The 2011 Stanley Cup Final
The 2011 NHL season featured one of the best Stanley Cup finals in a generation. The matchup between the Boston Bruins and Vancouver Canucks featured everything a fan could want: heroes, villains, controversy, close games, blowouts, and of course, the stomach-churning drama of a deciding seventh game.
A series that memorable deserves more than just a game-by-game breakdown. So let's go one further, with a period-by-period review of the 2011 Stanley Cup final.
Game one: Canucks 1, Bruins 0
First period: In an effort to appeal to a younger demographic, the NHL announces that the role of the brooding but misunderstood vampire will be played by Alex Burrows.
Second period: As a neutral fan, you feel vaguely comfortable with the idea of one of these teams winning the Stanley Cup for the last time in the series.
Third period: Raffi Torres fools the Bruins' defense to score the game-winning goal by using a trick play he calls “Shoot the puck like a normal player instead of launching your elbow into somebody's temple.”
Game two: Canucks 3, Bruins 2 (OT)
First period: Manny Malhotra makes an emotional return to the lineup wearing a full-face shield, which he will later admit is just an attempt to keep Brad Marchand from yapping in his ear all game.
Second period: In an embarrassing coincidence, the entire twenty-minute period is played without a whistle after all forty players simultaneously drop to the ice and roll around to draw a penalty.
Third period: The Canucks tie the game by scoring their third goal of the series, then quickly remind themselves to slow down and
not use up the remaining five too quickly.
Overtime: Somewhere in the building, a Canuck fan who spent $2,000 on tickets returns to his seat eleven seconds late and asks, “So, did I miss anything?”
Game three: Bruins 8, Canucks 1
First period: Aaron Rome catches Nathan Horton admiring his pass and delivers a textbook open-ice check, but the anti-Canucks media go and make a big deal out of it being a “late hit” just because the pass was from the opening shift of game two.
Second period: The Bruins realize that since the Canucks are apparently planning to hit them late whenever they pass, it would be safer to just shoot the puck into the net every time they touch it.
Third period: In hindsight, Bruins coach Claude Julien admits he probably shouldn't have let Bill Belichick talk him into going for two.
Game four: Bruins 4, Canucks 0
First period: Bruins' legend Bobby Orr takes part in the pre-game ceremony, fires up the crowd, and then ruins the good vibe by asking if there's any chance he could be traded to Colorado.
Second period: The TD Gardens maintenance guy starts to worry that he really should have replaced the bulb in the goal light behind Luongo.