by Sean McIndoe
It's become a familiar scene over the years. A goal is scored, the defending team complains, the officials huddle up, and soon everyone is making their way over to the penalty box for a dramatic phone call. It's time to talk to the NHL's “war room” in Toronto, where various league officials will decide whether or not the goal should count.
But do fans really know what happens next? Sure, we all wait around, and eventually a decision is announced. But the actual review process is considered top secret. Fans have come to assume that the delay involves a rigorous review process in which league officials pore over every available angle, looking for even the slightest detail that could prove to be conclusive.
It turns out it's not quite that complicated. The NHL officials in the war room simply consult a simple flow chart that guides them through the various possible outcomes. And as luck would have it, I happen to have obtained a copy.
Chapter 34
Know Your Sports: The NHL vs. MLB
October has often been called the best month on the sports calendar. For hockey fans, that's because the long off-season is finally over and the games that matter have started. But for other sports fans, October is special because of the baseball playoffs and the World Series.
Most hockey fans wouldn't dream of switching over to a baseball game after waiting all summer for the NHL season to start, but others are no doubt tempted to tune in knowing that a championship is on the line. So if you're a hockey fan who's thinking about checking out some action on the diamond, here's a handy guide to some of the subtle differences between the two sports to help you follow the action:
MLB: By late October, twenty-eight teams have already been eliminated from championship contention.
NHL: By late October, no teams have been eliminated from championship contention, with the exception of Edmonton.
MLB: Commissioner Bud Selig has been accused of having a conflict of interest in the games, since his family holds an ownership stake in the Milwaukee Brewers.
NHL: Commissioner Gary Bettman has never been accused of having any interest in the games at all.
MLB: “Blocking the plate” can get you seriously injured if you are a catcher and there is a close play at home.
NHL: “Blocking the plate” can get you seriously injured if you are dining with Dustin Byfuglien.
MLB: If you see the defense standing around helplessly while a player circles the bases before scoring, you'll know that batter has hit a home run.
NHL: If you see the defense standing around helplessly while a player circles the rink before scoring, you'll know that Steven Stamkos is playing.
MLB: It took the sport a generation to recover from the cancellation of the 1994 World Series due to a players' strike led by hard-line union head Donald Fehr.
NHL: I'm sure whoever's heading up the NHLPA these days would never do something like that.
MLB: In both 2010 and 2011, the Texas Rangers won their first two playoff rounds under the leadership of popular manager Ron Washington.
NHL: Nobody with “Washington” on their jersey ever wins two playoff rounds in the same season.
MLB: Outdoor games are sometimes cancelled due to rain.
NHL: Outdoor games are played even if it's raining, because come on, it's not like anybody is going to get hurt out there.
MLB: Both hands with palms down waved across the front of the body is the signal that the umpire has called a runner safe.
NHL: Both hands with palms down waved across the front of the body is the signal that it was a bad idea to try to fight Arron Asham.
MLB: A player who manages four different types of hits in the same game is said to have “hit for the cycle.”
NHL: A player who manages four different hits in the same game is said to have “been scheduled for a hearing with Brendan Shanahan.”
MLB: They call it the “foul pole,” even though if the ball hits it, it's not actually foul. This is fascinating according to every single baseball fan ever.
NHL: They call it the “goal post,” even though if the puck hits it, it's not actually a goal. Nobody cares because we have other things to talk about.
MLB: You can tell who gets to host game seven of the World Series by checking which league won that season's all-star game.
NHL: You can tell who gets to host game seven of the Stanley Cup final by checking which city's local businesses are hurriedly boarding up all their windows.
MLB: “Defensive indifference” refers to a play in which a runner is not credited with a stolen base because the defense did not make an effort to throw him out.
NHL: “Defensive indifference” is the title of last season's Toronto Maple Leafs highlight DVD.
MLB: Fans look forward to a mid-game tradition called the “seventh-inning stretch,” in which everyone stands around and listens to a song from 1908.
NHL: Fans look forward to a mid-game tradition called Coach's Corner, in which everyone stands around and listens to opinions from 1908.
Chapter 35
The Pros and Cons of Fighting in The NHL
It's the oldest argument in hockey: Should the NHL crack down on fighting? The debate has spanned decades, filled thousands of newspapers pages, and dominated TV and radio broadcasts.
In recent years the stakes have gone up, as research into head injuries seems to suggest that fighting could contribute to long-term health problems in players. Combine that with the diminishing role of enforcers in the modern game, and some opponents of fighting feel the time is right to finally abolish it.
While the debate always leads to plenty of heated rhetoric, there's little evidence of anyone ever actually changing his mind on the topic. But maybe it doesn't have to be that way. I've spoken to experts on both sides of the issue, and I've captured their best arguments below.
For the first time, here are both sides of hockey's greatest debate presented side by side. Maybe, just maybe, we can settle this once and for all:
Pro-fighting: Banning fighting would eliminate the chance of a fight between Brad Marchand and Raffi Torres that the linesmen could just “forget” to break up.
Anti-fighting: Fights are nothing more than quasi-exciting but ultimately demeaning sideshows that don't showcase any actual hockey skills and have no place in the game—and these days we have the shoot-out for that.
Pro-fighting: Without the threat of fighting, noble enforcers like Arron Asham and Trevor Gillies would be unable to protect their teammates from despicable cheap-shot artists like Arron Asham and Trevor Gillies.
Anti-fighting: Let's face it, nobody really likes having fighting in the game except for ignorant know-nothings like fans, most general managers and coaches, and virtually every single player.
Pro-fighting: Getting rid of fighting would just result in every episode of Coach's Corner being nothing more than a seven-minute diatribe about no-touch icing.
Anti-fighting: If punching somebody in the face at a hockey game is outlawed, only outlaws will punch somebody in the face at a hockey game. And Flyer fans. Actually, mostly Flyer fans.
Pro-fighting: If we just hold off on doing anything to address the rapidly growing list of players lost to concussions for another year or two, all of us will eventually get to play in the NHL for a few games.
Anti-fighting: Fighting is an outdated concept that may have made sense for previous generations, but has no place in the modern game, like goalies playing without masks or an NHL team in Quebec City.
Pro-fighting: The inability to regularly write simplistic and condescending anti-fighting columns could spell the end of the already struggling newspaper industry.
Anti-fighting: Studies have shown that a total ban on fighting would increase hockey viewership by 20 percent in the southern United States, because Tom says he's pretty sure he'd start watching.
Pro-fighting: Hey, remember when they had fighting in NHL 93 and then they took it out for NHL 94? Which one did you like better? Exactly.
Anti-fighting: In additi
on to being overpaid and overrated based on his Stanley Cup run, Niemi is known to snore loudly on team flights and often plays bad Finnish pop music on the Sharks' team stereo. (Author's note: Wait, sorry, this should have been listed as an “Antti-fighting” argument.)
Pro-fighting: Players engaging in fights face the possibility of devastating injury and even long-term disability, which is a risk that I as a fan sitting on my couch at home have decided I am willing to accept.
Anti-fighting: Eliminating fighting would send a strong message to impressionable children that settling a dispute by knocking somebody unconscious with your fists is unacceptable; instead, use your rock-solid shoulder pad like a gentleman would.
Chapter 36
An NHLer's Guide to Never saying Anything Interesting
If you're a National Hockey League personality, odds are you spend much of your day with a microphone in your face and somebody asking you a question. Many newcomers interpret this as an invitation to share their honest thoughts and opinions. It's not.
In fact, there are only a few dozen acceptable answers to any hockey-related question, and you'll be expected to simply choose the right one and recite it verbatim. Sure, some will accuse you of speaking in clichés, but it's better than the alternative: revealing yourself to have an actual personality, and being torn to shreds for it.
So for those of you who may be new to life in the NHL, here's a quick guide to the sort of things that are acceptable to say, and what you should avoid saying:
If you want to say: “Wow, a player on our team just committed a sickening act of violence for which he will surely be suspended.”
Instead say: “I can't comment on that, since I haven't seen the replay.”
But don't also say: “Because there was blood and bone fragments all over the scoreboard.”
If you want to say: “Did we pay that guy too much? I think we paid that guy too much. Let me see the contract again. Oh man, we paid that guy way too much.”
Instead say: “As per team policy, financial terms were not disclosed.”
But don't also say: “Even though they'll be posted on CapGeek seven seconds after you read this.”
If you want to say: “Sure, fighting Zdeno Chara sounds like a super idea!”
Instead say: “I think I'll just curl up in a little ball under my bench where it's safe.”
But don't also say: “Hey, where'd this puddle come from?”
If you want to say: “Even though we're in last place and have lost seventeen games in a row, I'm not allowed to waive my no-trade clause because my wife says she really likes the shopping in this city.”
Instead say: “I am absolutely committed to this team and want to win a championship here.”
But don't also say: “Yes, honey, I was just … No, just talking to some reporters and … Yes, dear, of course, I'll be home immediately.”
If you want to say: “This player is lazy, doesn't try hard, stops caring entirely for weeks at a time, and all his teammates want to strangle him.”
Instead say: “This player is enigmatic.”
But don't also say: “That's Russian for ‘total head case,’ right?”
If you want to say: “Our coach has been fired? Hallelujah! Now maybe we can all start trying again!”
Instead say: “It's always tough to see somebody lose his job.”
But don't also say: “Now quick, somebody help me set his office on fire before they change their minds.”
If you want to say: “I'm pretty sure that after that latest hit, our star player might be dead.”
Instead say: “He is questionable to return after suffering an upper-body injury.”
But don't also say: “In the sense that, technically, his upper body was the last-known location of his head.”
If you want to say: “Hey, you know what would be fantastic? If my defensemen could go one shift without turning the puck over, screening me, and then deflecting slap shots past me. Can we maybe try that once, guys, just for a change?”
Instead say: “We win as a team, and we lose as a team.”
But don't also say: “And after looking at this team, I've decided to go fight Brent Johnson.”
If you want to say: “We are completely hopeless.”
Instead say: “Hey, we just need a few bounces to go our way!”
But don't also say: “Like, if the other team's bus bounced off of the overpass on the way to the game, we could probably pick up a point.”
Chapter 37
Democracy Doesn't Work: A History of All-Star Voting
The NHL has allowed fans to vote their favorite players into the All-Star Game since 1986, and the results always give us plenty to talk about. It's become expected that fans will stuff the ballot boxes, start write-in campaigns for unlikely players, and generally look for ways to make sure the final results contain a surprise or two.
Debating the All-Star votes has become an annual tradition that dates back to the inception of fan-chosen teams. Here's a look back at some of the more memorable moments in fan voting over the years:
November 2008: Montreal Canadiens fans launch a ballot-stuffing campaign they discreetly refer to as “Operation let's get a mediocre defenseman elected to the All-Star team and then see if the Maple Leafs will massively overpay him in free agency.”
December 2006: The NHL scoffs at accusations that high-ranking league officials may have tampered with the results of the balloting, after announcing that a record 100 percent of fans voted for Gregory Campbell.
January 1987: Despite your careful efforts to punch the ballot just right and then hand it to the patiently waiting usher, you are devastated to learn that your childhood hero has not been selected for the game. Years later, you pinpoint the experience as the exact moment you learned the lifelong lesson that voting for things that are important to you is a complete waste of time.
February 2009: Three weeks after the All-Star game is played, mailed-in ballots from Blackhawks general manager Dale Tallon begin arriving at league headquarters.
January 1997: Claude Lemieux is flattered to learn that he has been named a starter on the Western Conference team thanks to a write-in campaign organized by Detroit Red Wings fans, although that feeling fades somewhat when he realizes that the same campaign has also elected Eastern Conference starters Rob Ray, Tie Domi, and an angry Doberman.
December 2008: Rick DiPietro casts a vote for himself, then spends six months on injured reserve due to the resulting paper cut.
January 2001: Defenseman Mark Eaton is the runaway vote leader in fan balloting, causing the league to rethink that season's heavily criticized “Delaware vs. The World” format.
December 2009: Attempts by Calgary ownership to encourage fans to flood the league office with write-in votes for Flames players goes awry when the players mistakenly assume the slogan “This Year, Let's All Mail It In!” is the team's new mission statement.
January 2012: A concerted write-in campaign by Ottawa Senators fans results in the entire starting lineup consisting of variations of the phrase “Leafs suck.”
December 2008: Sidney Crosby attempts to cast his vote, but is thwarted in his efforts to punch the ballot after being unable to locate its crotch.
October 1998: The NHL's first attempt at online voting proves unpopular with fans, mainly due to its requirement that fans log on to the website, click on their favorite player's name, and then mail their computer to the league's head office.
January 1991: Chris Nilan is named to the Wales Conference All-Star team by head coach Mike Milbury, which would be the funniest joke in this entire book except that it actually happened.
January 1993: The league's efforts to encourage grade school children to vote backfires when the two starting goaltending spots are won in a landslide by Ron Tugnutt and Daren Puppa.
Chapter 38
Take the Quiz: Should you Rebuild?
To rebuild or not to rebuild? That's the question facing several teams every year. And
while fans and media often talk about the decision like it should be easy, it's actually one of the toughest calls for a front office to make.
After all, if you start the process too early, you could miss out on a chance for one last run. And if you start too late, you may find your assets have lost their value. Either way, making the wrong decision could literally set a franchise back years.
If you're an NHL general manager and you're wondering whether the time is right to blow up your roster and start over, take this handy quiz.
1. What would you describe as the main reason that you're hesitating to declare a full-fledged rebuild?
A) Realistically speaking, we have no need to rebuild right now since the team is already winning.
B) Strategically speaking, it may be better to hold off until the off-season when we won't feel pressured to make any rash decisions.
C) Financially speaking, we're not sure how ticket-buying fans would respond to a rebuild right now.
D) Grammatically speaking, we're pretty sure we'd need to have actually “built” something before we could rebuild it.
2. You can tell a lot about the direction your franchise is headed by how the team's youth is developing. When you ask the youngest player on your roster what he thinks it takes to be a winner, he: