by J. Thorn
There was one bonus to coming here of all places. It was sufficiently weird enough that I did not need to spray paint myself. Wearing my sunglasses to cover my solid black eyes would be sufficient. I glanced up at the menu and caught a whiff of something nasty. I tried not to look obvious, but when I looked up and the girl in back making doughnuts met my gaze, she flashed just the tiniest glimpse of fang. Hmm…a vampire working the late night shift at Voodoo? Interesting.
“Try the Old Dirty Bastard, it is amazing,” a voice almost giggled in my ear.
Remember that whole thing about me regarding how I felt about anything that could sneak up on a ghoul and a vampire? Well if I’d had anything in my bladder, it would have been rather embarrassing. However, the sound of my nails clicking on the floor was bad enough. Fortunately, I was able to slip my hands behind my back before the girl at the counter noticed.
“How about a Voodoo Dozen, you pick,” I said, trying my best not to spin around and face whoever this woman was that had managed to sneak up on me and whisper in my ear. “And also one Cock-N-Balls.” I had never actually ordered one, and I guess I expected a smirk or a dirty look. The girl behind the counter simply grabbed one of their famous pink boxes and started pulling an assortment of doughnuts from the various racks.
“Now—” I spun around ready to lay into this woman, but ended up standing there with my mouth open like an idiot. She was already sitting at a table with her hands folded neatly in front of her.
Fine, I thought. She could wait. I was going to stand here until my order was filled, and then I would go over and see who and what this woman was.
I paid for my doughnuts and dropped a ten in the tip jar. Now that I had taken care of my business, it was time to meet Adrianna.
As I walked across to her table, I took the time to get a really good look at her. She had dark hair, a maple syrup brunette if I had to nail down the color, and it was done in a really cute style that I could never pull off. You know that thing where it looks long on one side, but short on the other. On me it would just look like my hairdresser goofed.
Since she was dressed in really short shorts, I got to see her legs. Not that I go looking at other women’s legs, but hers really drew my attention. She had all the appearance of somebody who should be a natural warm olive tone. Yet, they were as ivory white as the rest of her skin, but her hair had already told me that she was not an albino. However, it was the tattoos that drew me in.
You know those comedy and tragedy masks that are on the Mötley Crüe Theater of Pain album? Well she had one of those on each leg just above the knee. At least I thought they were tattoos until one of them yawned. I think it was the sad face.
As for her eyes, well, that was the other giveaway that she wasn’t an albino. As far as I know, albinos have red eyes or pink or something. What I am certain of is that they are not all yellow where they should be white and then a sort of swirling brown and green with flecks of gold.
Yep. She was definitely a supernatural.
I took a seat across from her and tried not to be obvious as I looked out to the parking lot and checked on my Corvette…and Lisa. Of course I was checking on Lisa! I just happened to also be able to see how pretty my car looked at the same time.
Adrianna folded her hands on the table and that was when I got my next surprise. Her hands! Okay, for you to really understand this, you have to realize that Adrianna is very pretty. Not in that girl-next-door-pretty. Nope, she is more I-am-so-out-of-any-boy’s-league pretty. But her hands? They needed that Palmolive lady or something. Her nails looked like she trimmed them with a rusty chainsaw and they were all wrinkled and pruny like she had been in the pool for a week. Basically they were gross.
“If you are worried about your little human, don’t be,” Adrianna said with a dismissive wave of her hand. “I agreed to meet you, so I am bound by certain rules.”
“What sort of rules?” Might as well take this opportunity to learn a few things.
“Since I called for this meeting, I cannot make any attack on you or your representatives.”
“Umm, I guess that is nice,” I said with a shrug. “So-o who set these rules?”
“Are you going to waste all of our time on such trivial matters?”
That was the first time I noticed something odd about her voice. There was a barely noticeable sort of echo. No…it wasn’t exactly an echo. You know when cheap horror films have that sort of layered voice thing that they use when somebody is possessed? It was like Bowser from Sha Na Na was repeating everything that Adrianna said, but just a fraction of a second late and from the same mouth.
“Look,” I decided that I was going to be assertive. Maybe I had been too much of a pushover when I first met Morgan. Now she thought that she could just walk all over me. “I have no idea who…or what for that matter…you are, but since you called me and supposedly can’t hurt me right now, I have some questions.”
“Fine.” Adrianna sat back. I guess I had the floor…or the table.
“Do I get a certain number of questions?” That might be good to know in advance. “And this one doesn’t count if I do!” Whew! Didn’t want to get caught with that little trick.
“How about we be fair?” Adrianna proposed. “You ask a question and then I ask one. We trade off five each. Then we can get down to business if there is anything that remains to be discussed once we have finished.”
It sounded fair, but I bet anybody who has signed a deal with The Devil thought it was a good deal at first. Hey, did you know that you could actually do that? I was blown away. You are probably wondering how I know this. Yeah, well one of the ghosts that I have talked to in the past made one. I guess she asked to live forever. Somehow, The Devil managed to find a loophole in his contract that allowed her existence as a ghost to count as living by equating living with existing or something along those lines. I tend to space out a bit when she starts talking and so I may have missed some of the details.
“…and nobody has to die tonight.”
Wait…what? I hate it when my mind wanders. I mean it has its advantages because it makes it easier to go to my ‘happy’ place—damn, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
“So who goes first?” No sense in making her angry by showing that I was not paying her the slightest bit of attention. Besides, the important thing I heard was that nobody ‘has to die tonight.’
“Since I invited you to meet, I will allow you to go first,” Adrianna said. That deep voice thing was gone. I wonder if that meant she only did it at certain times. Although there was the way she said the word ‘allow’ like she meant it in the most literal sense.
“Okay.” I wanted to make sure I didn’t ask anything stupid. After just a moment of thought, I had it! The first question was so obvious. How could I ask anything else?
“You are obviously not human, so just what exactly are you?” It would help to know just what I was dealing with.
“Silly girl, I thought you already knew that one. I am The Queen of the Zombies.”
5
Always Something There to Remind Me
If I would have been eating or drinking anything, I would have done an excellent spit-take. As it was, my wide-open mouth was probably sufficient.
“Ah.” Adrianna smiled and clicked her horrendous fingernails on the surface of the table. “You either know who I am, or have heard tales.”
I tried to reconcile the person I had just been told was responsible for wiping out like half the population of the world with this petite—and let’s face it, if not for the hands, she would be sickeningly hot, not that men notice things like hands when confronted with curves that scream Victoria’s Secret—brunette that sat here smiling like nothing was wrong. It just did not seem to add up. And then there was the name: Adrianna. Not very European in my opinion. Wasn’t that the girl from Rocky? Now had she said Monique or Giselle, I could have seen the connection a little clearer.
“So, since knowledge is power, my question to you is
this…who told you about me?”
Well, it wasn’t like I owed Belinda anything. “A vampire named Belinda.”
Adrianna mulled this over and seemed okay with the answer. But now I was suffering from stage fright. Yes, I had The Queen of the Zombies (yep…she gets the caps now) sitting right here, and I had four questions left to ask. The only problem was that now I didn’t know which ones. After all, if she had wiped out half the world, then what was she doing in Estacada, Oregon? And was she really setting zombies loose out there in the woods? Should I think local or global?
“Are you letting zombies loose in the woods of Estacada?” That seemed like a pretty important question.
“I…” Adrianna started, but her voice seemed to fade and got a little strangled. She shot me a dirty look like I had just done something wrong. “The zombies in the woods outside of Estacada are mine, yes.”
She took a deep breath and seemed really annoyed for some reason. Since I hadn’t done anything wrong—that I knew of—I decided to let it go.
“And just what sort of creature might you be?” Adrianna leaned forward. I wondered if that is how a mouse feels when the cat has it by the tail.
“I’m a ghoul,” I said. That seemed like an easy one. I was a bit perplexed that she had to ask considering how old she must be if she had started the Black Plague.
“How interesting.”
Adrianna had a new expression on her face. I remembered back to when I was just a little girl and my mom took me and Sophia Riggs to see the movie The Jungle Book for my ninth birthday. This was that Disney cartoon version with those talking vultures that were sort of beatnik knockoffs of The Beatles. (Of course I didn’t get that reference until I was much older.) In the cartoon, I remember being so afraid of that damn tiger that anytime I heard somebody speak with a British accent for the next two years, I would run and cry. There was something sinister in that tiger’s smile…kudos to the cartoonists on that one. My point being, I was seeing something in Adrianna’s eyes now that had not been there a moment ago. It was like she was staring at a buffet after having been without food for at least a month.
“Are you planning on trying to wipe out the world again?” Yay for me. I was thinking of everybody else like a good little girl.
“No, and how are you doing that?” Adrianna snapped after getting that look on her face like I was kicking her or pinching her under the table; which I wasn’t if you are thinking that.
“Doing what?” At least those are the words that came to the very tip of my tongue. However, something seemed to click in my brain and all I could do was answer the question. “I have no idea what you are talking about.”
“Okay, stop talking!” Adrianna was using that creepy voice trick again, but the low voice was actually a bit louder than her regular voice. If my guess was correct and that was tied to her being angry, then she was starting to get really pissed.
“But—” I was about to ask what was wrong when she put one of those super gross hands on my mouth. That certainly shut me up. It smelled like candy.
“We are bound by our agreement to ask and answer five questions.” She said all of that like it was really important. “I initially thought that you were being exceptionally clever when you chose to meet here of all places. This location and the other have certain aspects that can be either a help or a hindrance for the supernaturals who might frequent the establishment.”
Now I had a bunch of questions. The problem was, every single time that I opened my mouth, Adrianna made for me with one of those hands. If she kept doing that, I was going to end up having a snack. And trust me, it wouldn’t be one of the doughnuts.
However, I can’t begin to explain how absolutely repulsed by them I was on the visual side of things. But perhaps this would help clarify. I would rather lick Belinda’s nether parts. Considering the fact that I have never even been the teensiest bit bi-curious and couple it with that whole thing about her mere presence bringing to me the smell of hot garbage frosted with the goo from the bottom of a Dumpster and perhaps you are on the same page with me.
“I request that we suspend our agreement in regards to our questions. If you agree, then you must state, ‘I agree to suspend our contract’ and then prick your finger and let a drop of your blood and mine mingle.”
This all seemed a bit too weird, but she was unequivocally serious. I nodded in agreement and dug through my carry bag for something that I could use to cut my finger. I had plenty of heavy artillery in the way of stakes and mallets, but I had to dig until I found a sharpener for my eyeliner. That would have to do.
After slicing my finger, I must admit that I was shocked when some dark goopy stuff came out. I guess it was blood; Adrianna didn’t seem to have any problems with it. I waited as she cut her finger. It was a serious disappointment. Blood. Just regular old red blood. I imagine that if it were tested or something it would probably be interesting to some degree, but on the table, all I saw was a drop of just-plain-blood.
It was only a little strange when she started mumbling a bunch of stuff in a funny language. Having worked as a waitress, I am familiar enough with Spanish to know it wasn’t español. Beyond that, I didn’t have a clue.
Finally, she made it extra nasty by spitting on the blood finger-painting that she had created. I looked around. Of course the employees were completely ignoring us—even the vampire. I waited for the lights to flicker or for a sudden breeze to kick up.
Nothing.
I looked up at Adrianna with an expression that I hoped read “Is that it? Can I talk now?” She made a clicking sound with her tongue and grabbed her purse.
“Seriously?” I blurted when she pulled out a little compact and did some touch up work on her make-up.
“What?” Adrianna snorted. “So this isn’t that ‘animal safe’ crap. Look, if it takes a few monkeys or rabbits to make sure that this stuff doesn’t run, who cares?” She pulled out a tube and ran the little wand over her lips. I had to admit, it was an awesome shape of purple. I tried to sneak a look at the label, but she stuffed it into her purse.
“I take it we can ask questions now.” I was super careful with how my voice sounded so that it didn’t come out as a question just in case.
“We have approximately ten minutes,” Adrianna said before taking a sip from her cup of coffee.
“So what the hell just happened?” I had to ask.
“You really are clueless, aren’t you?” Adrianna laughed. It is one of those kinds of laughs you would expect to hear from Martha Stewart if you told her a fart joke.
“If you are just going to sit there and offend me—” I started to get up. I didn’t need to sit here and be abused. There were plenty of people that would come to my house and do it. Hey, at least I would be able to sit on my comfy couch instead of sitting on this hard plastic.
“Actually, that was not meant as an offense. I am just truly surprised that you did not know what you were doing.”
“So what did I do?”
“Well, this place sits on a natural ju-ju.” When I just stared at her with my best blank expression, she continued. “A ju-ju is like a charm. It can be good or bad, but it has power. This one took our agreement and bound us to it since we are both supernatural. It would not allow us to be deceptive in our responses, and it would not allow us to ask a question until we answered the one posed by the other.”
That explained why I had felt so compelled to answer and had not been able to ask the question that had come to mind. But there was also that little bit about not being able to be deceptive. I wonder if that had anything to do with the nasty looks she had shot me just before answering a couple of my questions. That would be good information to keep in mind.
“So what you did to stop it or pause or whatever, that was magic?”
Adrianna laughed. Once again it was the kind of laugh that made me want to reach across the table and slap her. She was looking at me and treating me in a way that made Morgan’s treatment of me seem almos
t kind. The biggest problem was not what she was saying, it was all in the looks and the tone.
You ever know somebody like that? If you shared what they said to piss you off, your boyfriend or whatever would look at you and say something stupid like, “So what’s the problem?” The problem is that when you were at Jamie Cowan’s slumber party and they were all talking about their favorite songs, and you heard them mention Love Song, how were you supposed to know that they were talking about Broadway musicals and something called Pippin, and not the band Tesla? Stupid Jenny Atkinson. I was doing it again, I could tell by the look on Adrianna’s face that I had just missed something.
“Excuse me,” I apologized. Well, technically that isn’t really an apology, but she should know what I meant.
“Is this a cultural thing?” Adrianna huffed.
“What?”
“You Americans are an incredibly self-absorbed bunch, aren’t you?”
Okay, I’m not what you would consider patriotic. Sure, I cried when all the memorials and stuff happened after 9/11. And I stand for the National Anthem or whatever that song is that nobody has been able to sing properly since Whitney Houston did it at that football game during one of those wars over in one of those deserty places. But it is like when somebody picks on a member of your family, you may not like him or her, but the only person allowed to pick on them is you!
“Us Americans?” I exclaimed. “And what country are you from? Wait!” I raised my hand and cut her off before she could answer. “Nobody cares. You know why? Because this country totally rocks!” So it wasn’t the most inspirational speech. It wasn’t going to win any awards or make a great scene if I ever became the inspiration for a movie or television series like that bitch Sookie.
“Yes, well, be that as it may…” Adrianna began.
You have to be seeing the same thing that I am here. She is a total bitch, right? I mean, who says that? Be that as it blah-bady-blah-blah.
“…I was trying to explain that all I managed to do is postpone the binding. We will be forced to resume it in just a few minutes, so perhaps you should clear your head…not that there should be any problems with that.”