by Lois Richer
“Probably just mourning doves.” But Nick could tell his reassurance didn’t ease her anxiety. She slowly loosed her fingers, passed through the gate before she got in her car. She had to crank the ignition a couple of times to start it. Nick wasn’t sure if that was Shay’s fault or the car’s.
“Don’t you think Shay’s the most nicest person in the world?” Maggie said.
“You can say ‘nicest,’” Nick told her. “But I don’t think ‘most nicest’ is grammatically correct, Maggie-mine.”
“It is for Shay,” the little girl declared. “She helps everybody. When I get big, I want to be just like her.”
“You already are like her. You’re a sweetie.” Nick left her to finish her drink as he carried the dishes inside, musing on Maggie’s words.
Shay was always trying to help people. But based on her reaction to that noise, maybe it was time for somebody to help her. Would she let him? Would he know how?
He heard Maggie talking to someone, and saw her speaking into the telephone he’d left lying on the picnic table as he headed back outside. “Who’s that, sweetie?”
“Emma White’s mom. Emma has casts on. Could you fix her bed so she can get in and out?” Maggie held out the phone.
Nick had to keep from rolling his eyes. With his mom, Shay and Maggie offering his services to the citizens of Hope, he wouldn’t have to worry about having time on his hands. He would miss all the small-town interactions. He spared a thought to wonder who’d fix beds and other assorted issues when he returned to Seattle. I can’t worry about that, he thought. He tousled Maggie’s hair and took the phone.
*
Shay used the ride back to the clinic to recover her sense of equanimity, embarrassed that squabbling birds had unnerved her so badly, and that Nick had witnessed it. She had to figure out a way to get over this.
Utter frustration burned deep inside. No matter how much she steeled herself and tried not to react, she could find no way to control her panic attacks. But she could not go on living like this. Even more humiliating than freezing at the slightest noise, however, was seeing Nick’s eyes brimming with sympathy. Nick’s gorgeous eyes, she thought, before she could stop herself.
As she headed into the clinic, she realized she’d been having a number of thoughts like that about Nick lately. What exactly did that mean?
Just as she reached her office, Shay ran into Jaclyn. Weariness marred her friend’s pretty face.
“You need to go home and rest,” Shay chided.
“And you need to tell me what you were just thinking about. Whatever it was, it must have been good.”
Shay blushed, and the obstetrician sank into a chair as Shay dragged forward an empty plastic box so her friend could put her feet up.
“Don’t put me off, Doc.” Shay frowned. “I don’t need a medical degree to see you’re exhausted.”
“I am,” Jaclyn agreed. “That’s why Kent’s picking me up in a few minutes. I’d planned to cook us dinner, but I think I’ll ask my husband to take me out instead.” She patted her baby bump. “This little one tires me out.”
“You should take the advice you’re always handing out to your patients and remember that having a baby is hard work,” Shay scolded. Her grin faded when a rattling sound came from the front of the clinic. She checked her watch. “Aren’t all the staff gone?” Dread oozed up from the pit of her stomach.
“I thought so. I’ll go check it out,” Jaclyn offered after a glance at Shay’s white-knuckled grasp of the desk.
“No, you won’t. Stay put.” Shay rose, summoning her courage as she did. She walked into the hallway. “Anyone there?” she called. There was a bump, then a crash like the splintering of glass.
A band of terror tightened around Shay’s throat. “We do not keep any drugs here, if that’s what you’re after,” she said, her voice barely more than a whisper for the fear choking her words.
Who could be there? And why didn’t they answer?
Oh, God, please help.
“Shay? What’s wrong?” Jaclyn called. “Do you need help?”
The sound of Jaclyn getting to her feet penetrated Shay’s fear. No way could she allow Jaclyn or her baby to be hurt. Shay licked her dry lips and forced out the words.
“Stay there! I’ll handle this.”
Her whirling stomach mocked her words. How could she handle anything when her knocking knees held her captive? The only weapon at hand was a huge medical tome sitting on a file cabinet in the hall. Shay grabbed it, swallowed hard and inched forward.
Maybe their intruder had left at the sound of their voices.
No. There was a distinct padding noise in the waiting room. Someone was still there.
With growing trepidation, Shay stepped into the front of the clinic with her book upheld. She stopped short at the sight before her. A laugh burst from her—shaky, nervous, but at least it was a laugh. She set the book down and held out her arms.
“Hello, kitty. How did you get in here?”
“I’m coming out there, Shay.” Jaclyn’s worried voice carried down the hall.
“Don’t bother. I’ve caught our intruder.” She cuddled the big tabby in her arms, where he seemed perfectly content to rest as she walked back to her office. “Meet our cat burglar. He broke a vase.”
“Where did he come from?” Jaclyn took the cat, petting his fur.
“No clue. He must have snuck in somehow. What will we do with him?”
“I’ll take him home till we find his owner,” Jaclyn said. “Goodness knows we have enough space at the animal sanctuary. I hope we haven’t put you out too much, Mr. Cat,” she murmured dryly, smiling when he made a circle in her lap before nestling down for a rest. Jaclyn returned her scrutiny to Shay, who was making a cup of coffee. “Your hand is shaking. Are you all right?”
“It was just a bit nerve-racking. I started imagining…well, imagining a burglar in Hope is a bit silly, isn’t it? I think the last time that happened here, we were in fourth grade.” She turned her back, added some creamer to her coffee and took a sip, hoping it would calm her.
“You’re still bothered by thoughts of your stalker, aren’t you?” Jaclyn asked. “Did you talk to Brianna?”
“I did. A lot.” With a sigh over the fact that she wasn’t going to be able to avoid this discussion, Shay returned to her chair behind her desk. “It doesn’t seem to make a difference. Something happens and boom! I freeze up.”
“You didn’t freeze up just now,” Jaclyn said. “Did you?”
“For a minute or two.” Shay realized that her stomach still hadn’t settled. “I don’t know why I get so freaked. I’m going along, doing fine, and then it hits me. Suddenly all I can think about is that he’s returned and it will start all over again. There’s not a thing I can do about it.”
“You know that’s not true, don’t you?” Brianna said from the doorway. “Sorry—I slipped in the back door to put some stuff in my office. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop.”
“You know all my secrets anyway.” Shay shrugged. “We’re just laughing at my latest panic attack.”
“No one’s laughing, Shay,” said Jaclyn.
“What sparked it this time?” Brianna asked.
As they related the cat story, Brianna smiled, but her eyes grew serious. “I’m worried about you, Shay. From what you’ve told me, it’s this fear that ruined your relationship with Eric. Now it’s affecting you here in Hope. Why?” She bent, kicked off her high heels and massaged her toes. “New shoes are the worst.” Her focus returned to Shay. “Have you heard from the stalker guy? Is that why you’re so on edge?”
“No. Nothing like that.” Shay felt like a fool once again. “It’s just—I know he’ll be back.”
“Honey, you don’t know that. You said he hasn’t bothered you since Nick threatened him,” Jaclyn reasoned. “It’s your fear talking.”
“She’s right,” Brianna agreed. “You can’t let this fear overwhelm you, Shay.”
“I’m try
ing not to,” she said helplessly. “But I can’t seem to control it.”
“That’s key. Control. I’ve been thinking and praying about this a lot.” Brianna’s gaze encompassed both of them. “It seems to me, given what happened with Eric, that you’ve never resolved your trust issues. And you must, because this is a fight for control of your mind, Shay.”
“I agree. And I think we need to pray about it.” They bowed their heads, and Shay listened to each of her friends ask God to grant Shay the strength and wisdom to combat her fear.
“I appreciate your prayers,” she said when they’d finished. “But why don’t I feel any stronger?”
“It won’t happen overnight. You must actively fight every negative thought,” Brianna insisted. “Only then will you be able to finally let go. Just don’t expect it to be easy. These thoughts have taken root in your mind like weeds. But you can do it.”
“I hope so.”
“No, Shay.” Brianna shook her head. “There’s no ‘hope’ about it. You put your trust in God. Keep your mind fixed on Him and when it strays to fear, recite Scripture to combat it.”
“Which Scripture?” Shay read the Bible every day, but she’d never given a thought to reciting it like a shield.
“Last night I was thinking about you and I wrote down a few passages that have helped me in the past. Maybe they’ll help you, too.”
“I’m sure they will.” Shay folded the paper. “You guys are the greatest. Thank you.” She hugged them both, chuckling when Brianna’s phone chirped a text message in a ring she recognized. “Didn’t you just see Zac a few minutes ago at the school office?”
“Yes.” Brianna blushed. “What can I say? We spent ten years apart. Now that we’re finally married, we’re making up for lost time.” She winked. “We’ve got dinner plans tonight.”
“Well, get going then,” Shay urged, smiling as Brianna scrambled for her shoes, slid them on and eagerly hurried away.
“I’ve got to go, too,” Jaclyn said. “Kent’s probably waiting outside.” She inclined her head. “I was looking for you after lunch, by the way. RaeAnn said you’d had a cancellation and went out?”
“Our office nurse is all-seeing, isn’t she? And you’re nosy,” Shay teased. Jaclyn merely lifted one inquiring eyebrow. “I went to Nick’s, to ask him to build one of his machines for that client you referred to me. Ted Swan.”
“And did Nick agree?” Jaclyn’s implacable stare was hard to ignore.
“Yes.” Shay frowned. “Well, sort of.”
“Sort of?”
“Well.” Shay felt her cheeks warm at Jaclyn’s scrutiny. “He said he’d do it if I promised to help him with it.”
“Help him how?” Jaclyn eased the cat off her lap and rose.
“However I could. But before I left he said he’d had an idea to revamp the first machine he made for Maggie, which she calls a roly-poly, into something for Ted. Maggie broke that one. But I think Nick was thinking ahead and figured she’d get bored with it because he’s already started something new. Maggie calls this one Tiger. You know Nick,” she said. “He can’t help inventing.”
“I do know.” Jaclyn shared a smile with her.
“Anyway, he’s agreed to give the roly-poly to Ted so it seems that everything is fine.” Shay grabbed her purse and followed Jaclyn, who carried the cat to the front door. “I’d be very willing to help Nick if he needs it, though.”
Jaclyn looked straight at Shay, her gaze swirled with questions. Shay knew exactly what she was going to ask.
“Honey, are you feeling something for Nick?”
“Yes,” Shay confessed. “Friendship, of course. Thankfulness that we’ve begun a kind of a renewal of the bond we shared in high school.”
Jaclyn frowned. “Do you trust him?”
“Why wouldn’t I trust Nick?” Shay asked.
“It’s none of my business and as you mentioned, I am too nosy for my own good.” Jaclyn touched her arm. “But I know you’ve always wanted to be married, to raise a family. And I know your panic attacks have made you wary of relationships. I just want to be sure—”
“Jaclyn, stop.” Shay shook her head. “Nick’s a friend. That’s all. There can’t be more. I freeze up if he even touches my arm. Believe me, I, better than anyone, know I’m not a candidate for another relationship. I doubt I ever will be. I’ve accepted that I’ll stay single, and that’s okay.”
“I’m not sure it is okay,” Jaclyn murmured, her lovely face brimming with doubt. “Just because Eric wasn’t the one doesn’t mean—”
“Yes, it does.” Shay forced herself to sound upbeat. “Anyway, I think God meant for me to learn to stand on my own two feet. You know how hard that’s always been for me, especially since Dad died. The panic attacks must be a test or something.”
“I don’t believe God sends fear,” Jaclyn said.
“I love you for fussing, pal, but I’m going to be fine. You worry about yourself and that baby.” Shay hugged her, petted the cat and pulled open the front door. “Now go have dinner with your husband and relax. That’s an order, Doc.”
“Yes, ma’am.” Jaclyn brushed her cheek with her lips. “I love you, Shay.”
“Back atcha. Now git.” She stood watching as Jaclyn strode eagerly toward her husband. Kent kissed his wife, took the cat from her and stowed it in a kennel box he always carried in the back of the truck. Then he helped Jaclyn inside, waved at Shay, and the two drove off.
A rush of envy suffused Shay. Both Brianna and Jaclyn were blissfully happy in their marriages. Shay craved the love and security they enjoyed with men who treasured them and showed it. That love was something she’d seen between her parents, and it was what her father had showered on her every day of her life. She yearned for it now. But ever since Eric had told her that when she cringed from his touch it made him feel like an attacker, Shay had begun to question whether an intimate relationship was for her. She told herself that was okay, she’d settle for feeling safe.
Nick made her feel safe. But Shay was beginning to realize that he’d be leaving soon. The only one she could depend on was herself. Jaclyn and Brianna were right. She had to deal with this apprehension that dogged her. To let it continue was to remain a prisoner.
The only question was—how would she do it?
Shay locked the office door then climbed into her car after an automatic check of the backseat. The motor didn’t catch till the third try, but once it did and she was moving, she put the top down. She loved the breeze in her hair as she drove home.
The sun was beginning its colorful descent below the jagged rims of the western mountains as Shay drove into her yard. She paused outside the garage, caught up in the glory of vibrant reds, peaches and oranges that painted the horizon. Only when the scrabbling noise of an animal startled her did she realize how quickly darkness had fallen. She pulled into her garage and closed the door.
As Shay stepped out of her car, the slip of paper Jaclyn had given her with a list of verses tumbled from her pocket onto the floor. She picked it up, determined to get a handle on this fear thing starting tonight. She entered the house, then let Hugs out to run while she made dinner. Afterward, with the dishes done and Hugs curled up at her feet, she started to study the list.
God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7.
Power, love and a sound mind—those were God’s gifts to her.
It was up to her to use them.
Her thoughts strayed to Nick. He was a gift, too. A wonderful, sweet, helpful friend. But that’s all he could ever be because deep down inside her secret heart, suspicion still lurked and Shay couldn’t lay it to rest—not even for a wonderful man like Nick.
*
Nick drove the back route to Shay’s, surveying every vehicle he passed, noting the driver, or, if he didn’t recognize them, the kind of vehicle. It was probably obsessive and unnecessary, but Shay’s face today—the panic that had fille
d her gorgeous emerald eyes when she’d looked at him—wouldn’t leave him.
Shay wasn’t a wimp or a weakling. She was a strong woman. Fresh out of high school, she’d built a career that supported her dad and herself, and then she’d found a second career when the first was no longer viable for her. She’d never been prone to flights of fancy.
But since she’d returned to Hope, he’d seen her suddenly drawing back several times. He’d heard her quick gasp when he’d touched her that day outside her office, and since then he’d taken note every time she drew away from him. He knew she was still fearful.
Though she pretended otherwise, Shay had never fully recovered from that stalking. That made Nick angry. Angry enough to ensure there was no foundation for her fears.
Nick parked his vehicle at the edge of Shay’s land and walked over the perimeter, even though it was 11:00 p.m. He stood behind the leafy foliage of a paloverde tree to study her house. He had to guarantee—if only to himself—that no one was there playing tricks on her, taunting her, cashing in on her unsteady nerves.
By midnight Nick had seen nothing. But he would be back tomorrow night. Shay was a friend, and friends took care of friends.
That funny little burst of affection he’d felt for her this afternoon bubbled up again, unsettling him. He shoved it away and drove home. But back in his workshop, Nick couldn’t focus on the adaptations needed on Maggie’s Tiger machine. Instead, memories of Shay cropped up, and all the things she had done for him when they were teenagers.
It was Shay who had pushed him to see himself as more than his father’s son when he’d hidden his shame in this very shed after overhearing local gossip and rumors about his father. Cal Green—you remember Cal, the no-account who’d abandoned his wife and kids for other folks to tend? That poor family, left all alone.
Nick’s fists clenched as memories of gossip and innuendo cascaded through his brain. Shay had thought his house was fun, his sisters were great, his mom the salt of the earth. In those days, whenever she’d come to his home, it was as if she suddenly came alive. The quiet introvert allowed herself to relax among his family.