by Lois Richer
“Who better than your responsible best friend, Nick Green, to make sure you get home safely?” Brianna asked. “Let go, Shay. Trust Nick. He might surprise you. You might surprise yourself.” She wrapped an arm around her shoulder. “Just remember, you’re not alone. And you’re certainly not helpless.”
“What do you mean?”
“You have God on your side.” Brianna grinned. “If God be for us…” she said, reciting the mantra she, Jaclyn and Shay had often used back in high school.
“…who can be against us?” Shay finished.
Who indeed?
*
Nick sat in Shay’s yard, reliving the memory of the kiss he’d planted on her after his mom’s party. Two weeks later and the joy he’d felt that night wasn’t any easier to suppress. But it seemed as if he was alone in that reaction because when Shay started showing up several evenings a week for Bible study with his mom, she pretended nothing had changed between them.
Maybe for her, nothing had changed.
But for Nick, things were definitely different. First of all, he couldn’t stop wondering what might have happened if Shay had turned her head and let him kiss her lips. He was pretty sure there would have been fireworks.
What was new was that Nick had finally accepted that he wanted more than that little peck on the cheek from Shay—and knew he couldn’t have it. God’s plans included him leaving Hope, so despite his over-the-top reaction, there was no way he and Shay could be anything more than friends.
And he wanted to be her friend. But he also wanted more…
Nick forced himself off that subject to think about whether he’d included everything they’d need for this evening in the desert, and then spent a few minutes praying for guidance. He was no longer certain this trip was the right thing for Shay. After all, what did he really know about anxiety attacks? How could he possibly understand what she was going through?
And yet, in a way, he did know. Nick got that same throat-clenching worry every time he thought about that job in Seattle. What if his family needed him and he wasn’t there for them? His stomach dipped when he imagined Maggie and his mom on their own, maybe needing his help but too proud or too embarrassed to let him know.
Every day Nick watched the two of them and knew the situation couldn’t last forever. Though she loved her granddaughter dearly, his mom was overtaxing herself. Maggie was a little kid. She wanted to run and jump and yell, as all kids did. Even with him here to help, his mom tired easily. She needed time for herself. When Maggie went to school, that would help. But…
The what-ifs tortured him.
And what about Shay? Who would be here to help her? Who else knew exactly how deeply the stalker had affected her life?
Nick had no answers to any of those questions.
“Hi.” Shay’s quiet voice jerked Nick out of his introspection.
“Hi, yourself.”
“Any particular reason you’ve been sitting out here for the past ten minutes?” She waited, her head tipped to one side in a quizzical look.
“Not really.” He climbed out of the truck. “Shay, I’m not sure about this—”
“I am, Nick.” She lifted her shoulders and looked him straight in the eye. “Your mom told me how her faith changed after your dad left. As we’ve studied together, she’s shown me how childish I’ve been about my panic. Even Maggie’s faith is bigger than mine.” Her wide, generous mouth tipped down at the corners as if she was fighting back tears. A moment later Shay was back in control. “But that is going to change. Starting tonight.”
“Oh?” Nick couldn’t imagine what his mother had said to ignite the light of battle in Shay, but he was glad to see it. The very thought of brave, strong Shay huddled up on her car hood pierced an arrow right through his heart every time.
“I’ve been letting my fear cast out God’s love. No more. I’m trusting God now.”
“Good.” He smiled at the flash of fire in those emerald eyes.
She threw her jacket over one shoulder and arched an eyebrow at him. “You have my permission to remind me of those words. Now, are you ready to go?”
“Sure.” Nick grabbed his knapsack from the truck and slipped the straps over his shoulders. “Let’s go see what movie God’s playing on the big screen tonight.” He slung two folding chairs over his shoulder then held out his hand.
Shay hesitated just long enough that he started to drop his hand. Then she stretched out her arm and threaded her fingers into his. Her laugh had a wobble in it, but her grin was all Shay-of-the-old-days.
“I’m thinking it’s going to be a double feature,” she joked.
“I even brought popcorn.” His pulse skipped at the touch of her soft skin against his palm.
She’s a friend. That’s all. Remember?
They weren’t far into their walk when Shay withdrew her hand, ostensibly to brush a strand of hair from her face. Nick was pretty sure she’d done it to put distance between them. But that was okay—she’d managed to keep hold of his hand for a few minutes. It was a start.
Part of him mourned that he wouldn’t be around to see her triumph, but he was going to make every moment he did have with her count.
“Nick?” Shay touched his arm to stop him.
“Yeah?” He glanced around, searching for something that might have startled her. He saw nothing.
Shay said in a perfectly normal tone of voice, “I’ve been trying to figure out how you made those bicycle wheels on Maggie’s Tiger work.”
“Top secret,” he said, crossing his fingers and placing them against his heart as if he’d made some kind of promise.
“You know I hate secrets. Tell me.” Shay gave him a fake glare.
“Uh-uh.” The urge to tease grew. “If I told you, I’d have to—”
Kiss you? Stunned by how much he wanted to, Nick gulped and struggled to regroup.
“You’d have to what, Nick?” she prodded, waiting for him to finish.
Now was so not the time. But later he was going to have a strict talk with himself about a certain lady named Shay. Nick grabbed her hand and tugged.
“We have to talk as we walk or we’ll miss the show.”
She drew her hand out of his after only a few steps and rapped his shoulder in reproof.
“Seriously, how’d you figure it out?” she demanded as she returned her fingers to the cradle of his.
Nick looked at her and his stomach knot tightened. That had been happening a lot lately—like whenever he was around Shay. When Shay was near, Nick saw pure possibilities. Which was stupid, because there was no future possibility for them, he reminded himself.
“I stopped by the seniors’ hall to pick up something for Mom,” he explained. “They were working on an old Model T, so I pitched in.” He drew her near as they sidestepped some low-hanging mesquite trees. “While we were working, one of the guys mentioned he was struggling to adapt his current project. I fiddled with it and figured it out, and it gave me the idea for Maggie’s wheels.”
“Well, that was good.” Shay inhaled deeply.
Nick noticed her eyes dart from side to side for a moment. He kept talking, hoping to distract her.
“Maybe not. I got talked into meeting with them after their coffee hour on Saturday mornings.” Nick rolled his eyes. “They think I’m some kind of superrepairman. They’re going to bring stuff from home so I can show them how to fix it.”
“How can that be bad?” Shay’s forehead creased in a frown.
“Shay, I tear stuff apart. I don’t put it back together.”
“So now you will.” She laughed at the face he made.
“Unlikely. But they won’t take no for an answer, so I’ll do my best to help.”
“Like you helped Mrs. Campbell get her thirty-year-old dishwasher working?” she asked, her lips curling in a coy smile.
“Exactly. Look how that turned out. I nearly flooded her house in the process.” He stepped around a teddy bear cactus. “I was trying to do her a favor, to thank her
for giving us that old bicycle.”
“A favor, huh?” Shay nodded, her face solemn. “The same kind of favor you did Susan Swan and her sink? And of course, you couldn’t walk away without fixing some kind of weight machine so Susan’s husband could exercise his arm, could you?” she said, tongue in cheek.
“Don’t make me out to be some kind of hero, Shay. I just like to tinker.” Nick grabbed her arm when she misstepped on a rocky area. “Careful. Stick close.”
“As close as a tick.” Her fingers tightened around his. He couldn’t deny how he loved the feel of her hand in his. It was almost more than he could stand. “I could continue to list things you’ve done around town to help people, Nick,” she went on. “Seems like everyone has a story about you.” She chewed on her bottom lip for a moment before she blurted out, “I think you should advertise. You could start up a business.”
“A business?” Nick frowned at her.
“Don’t look at me like that. It’s a good idea.”
“Doing what? I don’t have any training or certification. Who would pay me to tinker with their stuff?” He appreciated the thought, but it had taken him four hours to figure out he needed a two-dollar seal to get that wreck of a dishwasher working. No one would pay him by the hour to learn on the job, and Nick needed the assurance of a steady income.
They walked a little farther in silence, each lost in their thoughts. Then Shay’s small hand started to squeeze his.
“How much farther?” she whispered. He knew she was fighting back her panic at the blackness surrounding them.
“Just up that rise.” Nick pointed and heard her breath catch as she recognized where they were. She inhaled in short gasps as they climbed the steep hill.
“This is where Dad taught me about astronomy.” Her voice wasn’t exactly calm—more like determined. But it wasn’t full of panic, and that made Nick happier than he could have imagined. “I used to love coming up here.”
“I remember. Look.”
Ahead of them stars twinkled and glittered like diamonds tossed onto black velvet. Nick kept his grip on Shay’s hand, just to make sure that she was okay, that she knew he was there if she needed him.
At least, that’s what he told himself.
In truth, standing here with her, sharing this moment, made his own breathing uneven. Beautiful Shay, so near he wanted to draw her into the protection of his arms and kiss her. But that would betray her trust.
Nothing more than friendship, he reminded himself.
Beside him, Shay gasped. “Our heavenly star show is starting. See that?” She pointed upward, tracking a meteor as it flew across the sky. “And that?”
“I see it.” Nick fell silent, awestruck by the glorious shower of lights.
“It’s like God is lighting them especially for us.” Shay’s eyes blazed with excitement. “Look how they sparkle and blaze and then fizzle away, their tails glowing. Beautiful.”
Shay’s words chided him, reminding him that his faith wasn’t as strong as it should be. It wasn’t only Shay who needed to stop trying to be in control.
Her breath tickled his neck when she turned her head. “Fearfully and wonderfully made,” she whispered.
Yes, she was. But he had a hunch Shay wasn’t talking about herself. “I’ve heard that before somewhere,” Nick said.
“It’s a verse your mom quoted.” Shay turned her head to smile at him. “The Bible says we are fearfully and wonderfully made by God. Everything in the universe has a purpose, a reason, a private beauty.”
Moonbeams cast Shay’s hair in a golden sheen. Nick’s gaze tangled with hers, and for a moment neither of them said anything. Just as Nick was wondering how to fight off the urge to kiss her again, a noise startled Shay. Her green eyes widened as she asked in a shaky tone, “What was that?”
“I’ve got you, Shay. “Nick slid an arm around her waist and hugged her against his side. “Nothing bad is going to happen. And God’s on duty, too. Relax and enjoy His show.”
It took a few moments before she relaxed enough to lean against him. When she turned her head to study him, a tiny smile pulled up the corners of her lush lips.
“You’re my very best friend, Nick.” She tilted her head to rest it on his shoulder for a brief moment before she stepped away and hugged her waist. “Thank you.”
“For what?” he asked. He had a hunch Shay was about to say something important, something she didn’t tell just anyone.
“For being you. For not caring that I’m scared all the time. A coward.” She didn’t look at him as she continued speaking, her voice dropping to a near-whisper. “I think it’s only here, tonight, with you, that I realize how great a gift you are. Eric claimed to love me, but he was never as patient with my fears as you have been.”
“Eric?” Nick went cold inside at that name. His stomach tightened and his heart skipped a beat. It took a moment to define what he was feeling. Jealous—he was jealous of Shay’s former boyfriend.
“We were a couple.” Her husky laugh made a mockery of mirth. She seemed oblivious to the burst of emotions exploding inside him. “He said he loved me. I thought I loved him, too. But whenever he touched me, I’d freeze up.”
“He didn’t force—” Nick couldn’t say it.
“Oh, no. Eric was kindness itself. He tried hard to understand what I was going through. For months he tried. But he wanted a wife. He needed someone who could respond to his love.”
The shame in those words lit an angry fire inside Nick. “You couldn’t have been that bad.”
“I was.” In the flare of a meteor, her green eyes looked wounded by the admission. “We would be having fun and then he’d put his arm around my shoulder or hug me and it was like being choked. I couldn’t breathe. But I couldn’t tell him what was wrong, either.”
Nick didn’t give a fig about Eric but he hated that Shay looked so decimated, that she felt she was to blame for the breakdown of the relationship.
“I’m sorry,” he murmured, feeling utterly helpless.
“Your mom says I didn’t trust Eric.” She stopped abruptly and tilted her head to one side. “She’s right. I find it hard to trust anyone after…”
“The stalker.” Everything always came back to that. “But why? That guy was never someone you trusted. Was he?”
“I didn’t even know him!” Shay turned and stared at him. “Why did you ask that?”
“I guess because you blame your lack of trust on the stalker.”
“And?” Those world-famous lips pressed into a straight line.
Nick had never been good with words or emotions. But he was going to say this because he’d thought about Shay’s problems a lot and he figured maybe he was on to something. “Everything started after your dad died, right?”
Shay nodded but said nothing. As she listened, her focus returned to the dance of meteors above them.
“Well.” Nick watched the flash and dazzle of the light show as he spoke from his heart. “I wonder if you felt abandoned by his loss and that made you more…susceptible.”
“You’re saying it’s all a trick I’m deliberately playing on myself?” Anger threaded through Shay’s voice and she turned on him. “You think I get myself up in the middle of the night to check outside because I’m nuts?”
“That isn’t what I’m saying.” Nick unfolded one of the chairs and held it for her. “Sit down and let’s talk about this. We’re alone here. You can say whatever you want. Nothing you tell me will shock me.”
She thought about it for a while.
“You said you were going to face your fear,” he reminded.
“I did, didn’t I?” Shay flopped into the chair, slouched and thrust her long legs out in front of her. “But if I’m crazy, so are you.”
“I’m willing to explore the possibility,” he said as he unfolded his own chair and sat down beside her. “Exactly why am I crazy?”
“Because your family—the most precious thing in the world—is right here in Hope, and
you’re bound and determined to leave them and go off someplace where you won’t be able to see them.” She crossed her arms as if daring him to deny it, her gaze on the sky. “That’s about the craziest thing ever.”
“I have to work,” Nick told her flatly.
“Why can’t you work here?” She turned her head, her hair swishing around her face. “There are lots of things you could do, lots of people you could help in Hope.”
“I have to earn a living, Shay.” Nick ignored her irritated glance. “I can’t do that in Hope.”
She’d turned the tables, focusing the conversation on him. But before he could explain again why he needed to go back to Seattle, Shay’s eyes filled with unshed tears.
“Lately it seems everyone’s telling me I have trust issues. You just did, too,” she reminded, her voice tight. “But everyone has them.”
“Of course they do. Trust is one of the hardest things to give.”
“That’s why you’re determined to leave here,” she said so quietly he almost didn’t hear. “You don’t trust God.”
Nick was stunned by her comment. Suddenly, one meteor blazed brighter than all the rest and set off the desert in stark relief before it winked out, plunging them into darkness again.
“All that caring you have inside you will fizzle out, just like the meteorites, because you don’t trust God or me or your mom,” Shay continued. “You don’t even trust Maggie.”
Nick opened his mouth to reply, but he couldn’t tell her that for years he’d trusted God to bring his dad back, or about how he’d been bitterly disappointed. He couldn’t tell her why it was so hard to keep trusting.
“I think you’re the most admirable man I’ve ever known, next to my dad. You care for everyone. You’ve done your best to do that from the day your dad left.” Shay’s green eyes met his. “But Nick, you can’t make up for what your dad did.”
“Yes, Shay, I can. And I am.”
But Shay shook her head. “You can’t because it isn’t your mistake to make up for.” She touched his arm, her sweet face intent. “Your mother loves you, Nick, and she loves everything you do for her and the rest of the family. But you can’t erase the hurt your father caused her. You shouldn’t even try.”