by Gail Haris
With that, he stands up and leaves.
When I walk into English 101, my first class on Monday, I can’t help but have an extra pep in my step. I’m ready to take on this year. I slide into my seat and unzip my backpack. I grab a notebook and ink pen. A few people have laptops, but I can’t afford one yet, so it’s good ole’ paper and pen for me. The girl next to me doesn’t have anything on her desk. She holds out her hand, and I accept it. She gives me a firm shake and says, “I’m Bexley.”
“Rachel.” I’m surprised she’s introducing herself with a handshake. Most people give a little wave or head nod. I can tell, right away, though, that Bexley isn’t most people. She has rich, long black hair that’s so shiny, it looks fake. Her skin is flawless, and she barely looks as though she’s wearing any makeup, other than a thin strip of pink glittery eyeshadow, right above her long lashes. She’s dressed in black leggings and an oversized white thin shirt that hangs off her shoulder, revealing part of her black sports tank. Bexley gives me a warm smile. “Nice to meet you.”
When class is over, Bexley groans. “Might as well make a friend in here. I don’t know about you, but I’ll need some company if I’m going to keep sitting through this course. I mean—is there any point to being here? I feel like she rushes through exactly what’s posted on her website and then basically says ‘okay, get to it.’ I could teach this class. Anybody who can read could.”
“Yeah, she’s not one for details or discussion. Maybe since it’s still early in the year?”
Bexley gives me a closed smile and then sighs. “You’re an optimist. I like that. I’m more of a realist, myself, but that’s why I bet we’re going to be good friends. You’ll be my ying.”
“Your ying?”
“To my yang. See you Wednesday.”
Exploring the Universe is in a stadium seating room with the universe projected on a huge screen. I’m in awe of this classroom. The class is an elective that’s not required for my major, but I took it because it sounded interesting. As I’m walking toward the front of the room, I accidently bump into someone.
“Oh, I’m sorry.”
“No worries,” replies a boy with hair that’s almost white. He gives me a crooked smile and looks like he’s about to say something else, but I feel people behind me, trying to also move forward into the room, so I nod and continue walking.
I grab a seat in the front. I look up at the screen that’s filled with stars and planets. Staring at the screen, showing how vast the world is, fills me with excitement. I push my personal life drama out of my mind. College is going to be a new start for me. There’s a whole world out there, why am I still harboring feelings from back in Lumberton? Everyone has their spot in the world; I just have to figure out where mine is. All I know for sure is that it’s not in Lumberton.
As I wait for the professor to arrive, I look over my shoulder to take in all the people filing into the room. There are more students in this one class than in my entire high school graduating class. Well, what would have been my graduating class. I smile to myself. I did it! I’m here. My eyes continue to roam over the room and faces, until they lock with eyes so blue, they glow. It’s the boy I bumped into earlier. Trent has deep blue eyes; whereas, this guy’s eyes are bright blue. He’s staring at me with that crooked smile again. I realize that I’m still smiling, too, but not at him. I was smiling to myself. Now I guess I am smiling at him. Feeling confused with myself, I quickly turn around. Thankfully, the professor arrives, and I forget all about the boy sitting a few rows behind me.
It’s weird being the youngest in every class. I’ve always looked a little more mature for my age, so that helps. I can’t believe it’s Friday, and I’ve been a college freshman for a whole week. I’d thought Alice and I would grow closer as roommates, but she’s so busy. She goes to therapy, soccer practice, and is working on a degree in secondary education, while double majoring to become a counselor as well. I probably need therapy, but I can’t afford that right now.
I’ve decided to major in elementary education, so, right now, we have two classes together. Hopefully, next semester, we can schedule a couple of classes together, too.
It seems when Alice does have spare time, she wants me to share her with Trent. Which is fine, but I’m always afraid Maggie is going to show up. Since my nerves were too bad and I couldn’t stomach the idea of hanging out with Trent and Maggie, I made excuses this week. Speaking of my stomach, it hasn’t been feeling well. As soon as I step into the campus cafeteria, the smell of fried chicken hits my nose. Oh God. Chicken and waffles again? I try to breathe through my mouth, but it doesn’t help. My backpack bounces off my back as I hurry through the hall to the restroom.
“Hey! Easy!” A faceless voice calls out, as I almost knock them down. I barge through the door and hurry to the back stall. I don’t even take time to lock the stall door behind me. Holding my hair back, I purge last night’s supper, until I dry heave. When I don’t think anymore is going to come out, I stand up, using the wall for support. My chest rises and falls as I try to catch my breath.
“You okay in there?” A timid voice calls out.
“Yeah, I’m good. Thanks.”
“O-Okay…”
I wait until I hear the door close and stumble out to the sink. Using my hands, I gather water and rinse the bile from my mouth. Then I splash some water on my face, ruining my makeup, but I feel so hot and clammy. What’s wrong with me? I grab a few brown paper towels, that feel like sandpaper against my skin, as I pat my face dry.
Deciding it’s not safe to walk by the cafeteria again, I go ten minutes out of my way to exit on the other side of the building. My stomach hasn’t been right for two weeks. Whatever virus or bug I have, I figured would’ve worked itself out by now. I really can’t afford to go to the doctor. However, I’m probably going to have to suck it up, because I can’t keep being late for my classes. Plus, it’s affecting my ability to focus and get my studies completed. I need to land a good job, as soon as I graduate, to pay for my student loans. Failure is not an option. But I think the campus might offer a clinic for students.
As I’m exiting the building, I come face to face with Trent… and Maggie. And isn’t this the cherry on top of my already shit-tacular day…Both look gorgeous and perfect as they walk up the steps, laughing with a group of friends. All appear flawless while I…well, while I look like I just threw up. Squaring my shoulders back, I grip the straps on my backup. I give a closed mouth smile and try to appear more confident than I am.
“Rachel!” Maggie beams. Trent nods, but I don’t miss how his eyes quickly skim over my body. I hate how I still want him so badly. Will I ever get over him? Maggie cuts her eyes to Trent and then me, watching us closely.
“Hey.” I bow my head and take a step around them. “I was just heading to class.”
“It’s good to see you. Tell Alice I said hi,” she calls out.
“Will do.” I take off walking while I listen to them laugh about something. Why couldn’t I have bumped into them before I walked into the cafeteria. And why can’t Maggie ever look less than perfect? Does she never have a bad day?
Alice said she walked in on them arguing the other day. I’d kill to know what it was about. I only wish Trent complete happiness. He deserves it. Despite our few hookups and the fact I’ll, most likely, never be his, I’d never wish any misfortune toward him. I just wish it could be me to bring him complete happiness, not Maggie. Anybody but her. He may be able to forgive her, but she wasn’t there for him when he needed her. It was “too much stress.” Bitch. She also threw a major fit when she found out he stood in for Landon and escorted me to prom. Granted, we did end up having sex, but that’s beside the point. They were broken up during that time. However, Maggie tells everyone else how sweet Trent was to do it. She even goes as far to say she encouraged him to go with me.
The sound of heavy footfalls breaks me from my thoughts. I look over my shoulder to find Trent jogging up to me. I stop and watch
him.
“I was afraid I wouldn’t catch up to you in time.” He’s barely out of breath. Then again, he jogs every morning, not that I stalk him or anything.
“For what?”
“I was going to walk you to class. I haven’t seen you in a while.” We fall into step together, our shoulders barely touching.
“What’d you do with Maggie?” I try to control my breathing and focus on the tone of my voice.
He smirks at me and cuts his eyes to watch me. Clearly, I just thought I was hiding my jealousy, because his smile turns, knowingly, as it spreads. “She’s politicking.”
“For what now?”
“I don’t even know. Maybe for president of her sorority. I can’t keep up.”
“She’s ambitious. I’ll give her that.”
“Yeah. So…” His pinky lightly touches my hand. My pulse quickens. Instead of allowing him to further explore those tiny touches, I grab my backpack straps.
“So?”
He clears his throat. “Are you going to be around tonight?”
“No.”
“Plans? Have you…met someone?”
“You automatically assume I’m seeing someone because I haven’t been around?”
“No. Just haven’t seen you in almost a week. You might’ve met someone in one of your classes…I don’t know. Can’t a guy fish for information?”
“Trent.” I stop and face him. Tilting my head up to that strong defined jaw line and piercing blue eyes. I’ve grown up looking at this face, and it still takes my breath away. “You’re in a relationship. Don’t worry about whether I am or not.” I gulp and find my courage. “Until you’re no longer in one.”
“What? No.”
“Trent, you were just with her.”
“I’m not seeing Maggie again.”
“Not yet.” I saw them laughing together. I know their routine.
It takes all my strength to turn my back on him and walk off, as fast as I can, without jogging. All he needed to do was take my hand and lead me off somewhere, and I would’ve followed. I’m weak when it comes to Trent Randall. Which is why I have to keep my distance from him. I won’t become that girl. Okay—I won’t be that girl anymore.
After a long day of classes, I’m ready for bed. I say a prayer that my nightmares won’t return. Some nights, it’s Landon’s death, and other nights, it’s falling into Trent’s arms, only for him to push me away afterwards. Both go back to the night that changed everything.
There we are on the gravel road out by the old bridge. Everyone is laughing and drinking. Music’s blasting from Noah’s truck. Suddenly, Landon’s voice cuts through everything. I turn and can’t believe my eyes. I push through a crowd to get closer. The gravel crunches beneath Landon’s shoes and dust floats into the air.
“Move Trent. Let me handle him.” My heartrate picks up as I listen to Landon. I don’t want him to fight. I’m proud of him for sticking up for himself, but he’s drunk.
“Whooo! I bet you’d like to handle me. I bet you’d love to get your hands around my—” Before Luke can finish that sentence, Trent punches him. Blood drips from Luke’s mouth and coats his teeth. I begin walking toward them, but Landon shakes his head at me. He probably doesn’t want me to be Luke’s next target, but I don’t give a shit. He needs me. He and Trent begin having a heated conversation. Everyone is staring and trying to listen in. I want to scream at all of them to go mind their own fucking business. Trent begins walking toward his truck, and I wonder which brother I should go to. I turn to Landon, but he takes off in a run to Luke.
“Landon, NO!” I scream. I bring my hands to my face as I watch my best friend tackle Luke, who is twice his size. “Trent! Trent!”
I can hear the gravel slide as Trent comes running toward them. Landon and Luke get closer to the ledge of the bridge. I can see it before it happens. Running toward them, I scream, “Stop!” But I’m too late, and so is Trent. They both fall over. I’ll never forget the sight of one of the people I love most in this world going over.
Falling.
Falling.
Falling.
The sound of them hitting the water. The anguish in Trent’s voice as he screams for Landon and then dives in after him.
I’m now crying. I’m crying against Trent’s strong, solid chest with his arms wrapped around me. We’re in his room, with the lights off, still in our clothes from the funeral. I raise my head up and see his tear streaked face. Our lips crash together. I can taste the salt from his tears and mine mixed together. We can’t get our clothes off fast enough. I just want to stop hurting. I want to take his pain away as well. I feel guilt and pleasure, at the same time, for sleeping with Trent on the night of Landon’s funeral, but the pain is a faint ache in my heart now. The pressure that had been on my chest is a little lighter. That is, until we finish. Trent’s eyes meet mine, and I see the regret. The regret and shame on Trent’s face that will haunt me, as much as Landon’s face the last time I saw him alive.
“Rachel, I’m so sorry.”
I jolt awake, covered in sweat. Checking the time on my phone, I see it’s four in the morning. Alice is still sleeping peacefully in the bed across from mine. Too emotional to fall back to sleep, I grab my toiletries cubby and slowly stumble to the communal bathroom. I turn on the water and stand underneath the spray. My body is so numb that I barely feel the water. The steam is the only indication that the water is hot. Hidden in here, I can release my sobs and let out all my pain.
My phone alarm begins beeping. Half asleep, I manage to reach for my phone on the night stand next to my bed. Usually, I’m wide awake by seven in the morning, but my morning shower cry has left me exhausted. When I turn it off, I see one missed call and message from Noah Wallace, Alice’s boyfriend.
Noah: I’m going to be able to make it! She still doesn’t suspect anything, does she?
Me: Not a thing. I’ll make sure she’s early for class. ;)
Alice is going to be in for a surprise today. I look over at her still sleeping. Sometimes, I wonder if I made the right choice following Alice here. I did it because I’m lost without Landon. He was my other half since childhood, and we were supposed to be doing all of this together. I never planned to be so alone, not this young, not now.
It both pains and excites me to be around Trent so much. Alice thrives on it because she’s forming a connection with her brother; whereas, I’m in a constant state of turmoil. If Maggie is who makes him happy, then I wish them the best. I wish it was me, but I’m just this younger, small town, middle-class girl who’s not sophisticated and only average in beauty with a little bit of an attitude. Maggie is stunningly beautiful, intelligent, and some people, not me, would consider her sweet. She comes from a wealthy, respected family. He says they’re not together, and maybe they won’t get back together. But how can I believe him after he’s slept with me multiple times and then pushed me away? Why is he now ready to be with me? And what if it’s temporary, like before, until another Maggie shows up? He can only keep breaking away at me for so long, before there’s nothing left. I barely feel whole as it is.
Sighing, I throw off my covers. It’s a new day, Rachel Abernathy. It’s time to put my big girl panties on and tackle the day. I’m in college now. It’s time to start acting like it and not some lovesick high schooler.
I rush Alice out of our dorm room, telling her I don’t want to be late for class. Even though we don’t share the same class, we always walk together. Little does she know that Noah will be waiting in her seat. It’s a tribute to how she was in his seat, her first day of school. So sweet, I know. I suggested he wear his military uniform because that will make the scene ten times more romantic, and let’s be honest, a man in uniform is hot. They haven’t seen each other in three months, but he’s managed to have a few hours here. I’m so happy for Alice and, slightly, jealous. When we get to her building, I can’t stop myself from smiling at her.
“Here we are.”
Alice chuckles. “W
e still have some time. Want to—”
“No.”
Alice’s mouth drops open. “Rude. You didn’t even let me finish.”
“I just feel like we need to start being early to things. Go on. Get to class.”
She gives me a doubtful smile and waves bye. Not able to resist, once I see Alice walk into the building, I follow behind her like a total stalker. She walks into the classroom, and I silently count backwards from three. The sound of her squeal has me smiling, so big, my face hurts. I can practically hear her tears falling. The sound of chairs sliding against the floor and muffled cries ring out into the hallway. Students, passing by in the hall, slow down at the commotion. I lean against the wall and listen. Despite the busy hallway, I hear them.
Alice sniffles. “Oh my gosh, you’re here. You’re really here.”
Noah’s strong voice sounds so loving and much lower than I remember. “I came the first chance I got. Decided it was my turn to steal your seat.”
“How long are you going to be here?” she asks.
“I only have two hours. I’m sorry.”
“It’s more than I was expecting, so I’m thrilled.”
Noticing the hallway clearing out, I realize I better hurry to class before I’m late. I’m in the middle of my Child Development class when my phone vibrates. I sneak a peek under my table.
Alice: OH MY GOSH! I can’t believe you were so sneaky.
Me: Did someone take your seat today ;)
Alice: Best day ever!
Me: I guess I won’t see you for a while :)
Alice: Y wouldn’t U? Join us!
Me: Enjoy your GI Joe while you can. I get you tonight ;)
Alice: LOL!
The dorm room door slams, and I look up to a teary-eyed, but smiling, Alice. I close my textbook and stand up to hug her. “How was your morning?”