Katie tucked her knees under her, suddenly cold as he continued to pace. She remembered the night he’d asked her about giving up her dreams. Now she understood what he meant. His wife had wanted him to give up his dream of being a cop.
“I’m sorry, Lucas,” she said quietly, not certain what else to say.
“A little over two years ago, unbeknownst to me, my cover was blown. The drug dealer I’d been after had a snitch, someone who also worked with the department and ratted me out. I didn’t know it until after…”
“After?” she prompted softly, seeing the pain and grief on his face.
“One morning, we all overslept. It was a bitterly cold Chicago day and my wife couldn’t get her car started to drive my son to school, so she took mine. The drug dealer had planted a bomb in my car, a bomb meant to kill me.” He couldn’t look at her. “It killed my wife and son instead.”
“Oh, God, Lucas.” She was on her feet, going to him, wrapping her arms around him, holding his stiff body. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Tears filled her eyes, spilled over. She couldn’t even begin to imagine the grief of losing both your spouse and your only child. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve been through.”
He stepped back and away from her, holding up a shaky hand. “Katie, please let me finish or I might not be able to.”
She nodded and sat down again.
“The press had a field day. The murders of a cop’s family is big news. The entire police force was on the hunt for the killer, and of course each day every reporter in town was scratching for the latest tidbit or update of news. They hounded me and one day followed me and my partner to a stakeout and blew our cover. This reporter almost got my partner killed. I finally had to resign from the force just to get away from the reporters because I simply couldn’t be responsible for someone else’s life, not ever again. Can you understand, that?”
“Can I understand that you wanted, needed and deserved some peace to grieve for your family in private—of course. I understand that there would be a certain amount of guilt on your part, just like the guilt I had when Jed died. But, Lucas, you weren’t responsible. You didn’t plant that bomb.”
“The hell I wasn’t responsible. If I had given up the police force like my wife wanted she and my son would still be alive.”
“You don’t know that, Lucas. You can’t, not for sure. You can’t say what might have been. We can only live with what is, and I understand how you must have felt. Remember, I’ve been there. I lost my spouse, too. But Lucas, things happen that we have no control over. And we simply can’t take or accept responsibility for other people’s actions. We can only take and accept responsibility for our own.” Katie was quiet for a moment, her mind spinning to put the pieces together finally. “That’s why you hate reporters?” she said with a nod. “Now it makes sense. That’s why the first night we met you accused me of spying on you.”
“Yeah.” Lucas sighed and finally sank down into the recliner next to the fireplace. He didn’t trust himself to sit next to Katie, to be close to her, to smell her scent, her body heat, knowing he might not be able to control himself, and he had to hold onto his control. It was all he had left at this point.
“I’m sorry, Lucas, truly and deeply sorry. I can’t even imagine how you go on after losing a child.” She shook her head, blinked back tears, her own pain for him searing through her at the unimaginable loss.
His smile was raw, his face ravaged by grief. “You know, that’s the one question I got asked probably more than anything. How do you get up in the morning knowing you’ve lost a child?” He surged to his feet. “How the hell am I supposed to answer that? Do I tell people that losing your child is like having someone reach into your heart and rip it out? That the hole inside of you just seems to grow and fester until all you can feel is the pain and emptiness, each and every second of every day that you’re alive and your child isn’t. It’s a constant reminder that you’ve lost your child. That you’ll never see his face again. Or hear his laughter. Or throw a ball with him. Or hug him tight.” He had to swallow, the knot in his throat was the size of a baseball and almost choking him. “Do you know what’s it’s like to know your son will never see another birthday or Christmas or another first snow? How do you explain that to someone? How can you explain that you’ll never dance at your son’s wedding, or kiss your first grandchild? How can you explain the pain that comprises every second of your life, pain unlike anything anyone has ever experienced? Pain that there is no explanation for, and yet everyone expects you to just go on living, day by day as if you’re normal. Katie, I’ll never be normal again. Is that what I’m supposed to say? Hell, I just don’t know anymore. How the hell am I supposed to live with the guilt of knowing I’m responsible for my only son’s death? I’m alive and he’s not, and God, I’d trade places with him in an instant. If I could only have him back for just a few more moments.” His voice broke and he turned away from her trying to garner some control.
Drained, and fearing the last of his control was slipping, Lucas rubbed his tearing eyes before turning back to her. “That’s why I told you I don’t have anything to offer you or Rusty, Katie. Because I don’t. My heart is empty,” he admitted. “Frozen over. And there’s nothing I can do about it.”
“Lucas—”
“No, listen to me!” He held up his hand to stop her words. “I will never again put anyone else’s life at risk by loving them. Not ever again. Do you understand me? Do you understand what I’m saying? If anything ever happened, I simply couldn’t handle it. Not again. Not ever again. The loss almost killed me the first time, I won’t survive it a second time.”
“Lucas.” Katie got to her feet and went to him, wrapping her arms around his stiff body, refusing to let him push her away. Love overflowed in her heart, and she wasn’t certain how he couldn’t see it, feel it. “Lucas, please don’t,” she whispered, laying her head on his chest. “Please don’t say you can’t love again. You’ll be cheating yourself as well as us. We love you, Lucas.” Her voice broke as the tears came harder. “Rusty and I both love you.” And she knew as she spoke it, it was the truth.
“No, Katie, don’t—please. Don’t love me because I can’t return that love. I can’t risk it.” His voice shuddered out. Her scent, her touch was unraveling him, and he wrapped his arms around her and simply held on, savoring this last embrace, knowing he could never have what he wanted and needed most. “I’m sorry, Katie,” he whispered against her hair. “I’m truly sorry.” Afraid the dam of control was going to break, Lucas dropped his arms, and turned, fleeing through the house and out the door.
Stunned and shaken, Katie curled up on the couch and wept for herself, for Rusty and more importantly, for Lucas.
On Friday, Lucas didn’t bother to come to the door, he merely beeped his horn and Rusty, who’d been ready and waiting since he’d come home from school, raced out the door to meet him.
Katie had no idea how to handle this situation with Lucas. None at all, so for now, she was going to do what she had to—her edits. It was the only thing she could do if she wanted to keep her sanity.
This whole situation with Lucas was such a mess, she had no idea how they’d ever make things right again. Or if they even could. She could probably accept that he didn’t love her—wouldn’t let himself love her. Eventually, she rationalized.
But her heart was so heavy, her spirits so low, she couldn’t wait to get done with her work so she could just have some time to settle down and try to think her way out of this mess.
On Saturday, she worked at home until the edits were finished, then drove them over to the printer.
Exhausted, but relieved that the enormous Halloween issue had finally been put to bed, Katie decided that since she had a free evening, with no chores, no responsibilities, and no child to tend to, she was going to simply relax for one night. She simply didn’t have the energy for anything else.
On the way home from the printer she stopped at the video store
and rented a couple of old movies, then headed home with plans to do nothing more strenuous than taking a hot bubble bath.
She hadn’t eaten much in the past week. She’d been too upset. About the only thing she could stomach right now was the idea of popcorn, so she planned to make some and have it for dinner.
By the time she finally got home and took her bath, it was dark out. It was so eerily quiet in the house, she hadn’t counted on the loneliness that set in, only making her heart ache more. Funny, all the years she and Rusty were alone she’d been far too busy to be lonely, and in fact, had never really thought about it.
But now, with Rusty away and Lucas out of her life—probably forever—she found that the unbearable ache of loneliness crept up on her, settling in and spoiling her mood.
After her bath, she pulled on warm pajamas and a robe, lit a fire in the fireplace, then headed to the kitchen to pop some popcorn. She’d just pulled the pot off the stove when the doorbell rang.
Frowning at the clock, Katie tightened the sash on her robe and went to the door, wondering who on earth was paying a visit at almost eight on a Saturday night.
She pulled open the door, surprised to see her mother and her aunt huddled together against the night’s chill.
“Katherine, dear,” her mother began worriedly as the chilly night wind swirled around her. “We saw the signs posted in town—”
“Yes, dear, the note from Lucas reminding everyone to lock their doors,” her aunt injected.
“And we knew we had to come talk to you,” her mother finished in a rush.
“Well, come in out of the cold,” Katie said, pulling them both in. “I was just making some popcorn, and I lit a fire in the fireplace, so come on back to the family room and warm up, and then we’ll talk.” Katie made her way to the back of the house where the smell of fresh popcorn filled the air.
“Oh, it smells so good in here,” Louella said, unwrapping her scarf and slipping off her coat.
“And the fire’s nice,” Gracie said with a smile, taking her coat off as well.
“Can I get you something to drink? Some coffee?”
“No, dear,” her mother said, sinking down on the couch and waving Katie’s offer away. “I just need to sit a moment.” She pressed a hand to her heart, immediately alarming Katie.
“Mama, what’s wrong? What’s got you so upset?” She sat next to her mother and took her hand. Her mother smiled and patted Katie’s hand in return.
“Maybe I’d better let Gracie explain,” Louella said vaguely. Katie turned to her aunt, who was sitting in the old recliner next to the fireplace.
“Katie, dear, you know sometimes things aren’t exactly as they seem,” her aunt began mysteriously, and Katie nodded.
“Okay,” she said slowly. “I understand that.” What she didn’t understand was what they were both so upset about. “Sometimes things aren’t as they seem. Got it.”
“Especially with the males in our life,” Gracie went on, only confusing Katie more.
“The big and little…males, dear,” her mother added, exchanging a glance with her sister. “And dear, we don’t want you worrying unnecessarily,” she added, and Katie laughed.
“Too late for that, Mama. I started worrying the minute I had Rusty.” She looked at her mother carefully. “Does this have something to do with Rusty?”
“In a way, dear, yes.” Her mother sighed. “I don’t know how to explain exactly what’s in your astrological charts, dear, or in Rusty’s, but remember when I told you that you were going to face some trying times this month?”
“Of yeah, I remember,” Katie said, considering what had happened with Lucas, how could she forget.
“Well, dear, those trying times aren’t quite over yet, and we didn’t want you to be unduly upset.”
“About what?” Katie asked, and her mom and aunt exchanged glances again.
“About everything that’s going on, dear. With Rusty and Lucas,” Gracie added knowingly. “And of course, you’ll want to buy a wedding present.”
Katie merely blinked at her aunt, then she sighed and held up her hand. “Okay, let’s take this one thing at a time, Aunt Gracie. Why do I want to buy a wedding present? And for who?”
“Why, for Lindsey,” her aunt said as if it was perfectly clear.
“Lindsey?” Katie repeated, shocked. “Are you telling me that Lindsey’s getting married?” Katie looked at her mother, then back at her aunt. “How come I’m the last one to know?”
“Well, dear,” Gracie went on, patting her pearls, “normally when you elope you don’t tell anyone, I mean, isn’t that the point? You keep it a secret.” She looked at her sister for confirmation and Louella nodded in total agreement.
“Aunt Gracie, when is Lindsey getting married?” Katie was having a very hard time taking in all of this.
“Got married, dear,” her aunt corrected with a smile. “Today. She and Mr. Hensen eloped. But don’t worry, I’m sure she’ll be back in the office bright and early on Monday morning.” Gracie’s smile widened and her eyes glazed a bit. “In fact, I know it.”
Katie pressed a hand to her forehead, trying to digest this. The headache that had been plaguing her was getting stronger. “And you’re sure you’re talking about my Lindsey?” she asked, wanting to be absolutely clear. “The one who’s worked at the paper for…forever?”
“Yes, dear, that Lindsey. There isn’t another one in town, is there?” Gracie asked with a slight frown and Katie shook her head.
“Not that I know of.”
Suddenly Gracie beamed and clapped her hands together. “And she made a beautiful bride, Katie, just beautiful.” Her aunt sighed dreamily. “It’s a shame she kept the ceremony such a secret. Why, neither of them told a soul, not a soul.”
Katie blew out a breath. “If it was a secret, Aunt Gracie, and neither of them told a soul, how on earth did you find—” Katie broke off when her aunt merely lifted a brow and smiled serenely. “Okay, scratch that, I don’t think I want to know how you knew.” Katie blew out another breath. “Okay, so Lindsey and Mr. Hensen eloped this weekend. I’ll make a note to buy them a wedding present.” She turned to her mother again. “Now, Mama, please tell me what all this has to do with Rusty? And why you’re so upset.”
“Well, dear, your aunt believes—”
“Katie dear, after we saw the signs in town, we knew we had to come talk to you. There’s not really a crime wave going on in town—”
“Aunt Gracie, how…how did you know?” She simply stared at her aunt in shock. “No one but Lucas, the mayor, me and Lucas’s deputies know about what happened in town. And the signs merely reminded people to lock their doors and windows. They didn’t say anything about what’s already happened.”
“Yes, dear, I know, and normally I wouldn’t say something like this, but because it might involve…Rusty…now don’t get upset, Katie, it’s not what you think.”
“Wait a minute.” Katie got up to pace, her nerves jangling in alarm. “Are you saying these mysterious break-ins in town have something to do with Rusty?”
“Well, yes and no, dear,” Gracie said.
“Remember, things aren’t always as they seem, dear,” her mother reminded her.
“Okay, enough,” Katie said, raising her hands in the air. “Someone please tell me what’s going on before I scream.”
“Now dear, please don’t get upset,” her mother admonished.
“Too late, Mama. Now someone spill it,” she demanded, glancing from her mom to her aunt. “If this involves Rusty, then I need to know.”
“Well, dear, Rusty’s not alone in this,” Gracie said.
“Sean?” Katie asked with a lift of her brow, knowing Rusty never did anything without Sean.
Her aunt nodded. “I’m afraid so, dear. Apparently the boys thought if…well…if there were some mysterious goings-on in town, that would force you and Lucas together—”
“Because you write the ‘Police Beat’ column, dear,” her m
other interjected with a weak smile.
“And that maybe then you and Lucas would become more than friends, and you could be a family.”
Stunned, Katie dragged a hand through her hair and continued pacing, much as Lucas had just a couple of nights before. “Oh, God, I can’t believe that kid thought that by breaking into houses, committing a criminal act, it would draw Lucas and I together.”
“He wants a father, dear,” her mother said softly. “Like the other boys.” Her mother shrugged. “I don’t imagine this comes as much of a surprise.”
“Surprise?” Katie laughed but the sound held no humor. “Mama, I’m shocked. What on earth was he thinking?”
“He wasn’t thinking, dear,” Gracie said calmly. “And Katie, he technically didn’t break in anywhere. He only went into houses that weren’t locked.”
“How on earth did you—” Katie shook her head. “Never mind, Aunt Gracie, I don’t want to know. And you’re sure about this? All of it?”
“Well, certainly dear,” Gracie said. “I wouldn’t be here otherwise.”
“Okay, I’ll take care of this tomorrow as soon as Rusty gets home.”
“Now, dear, we don’t want you to be upset,” her mother said.
“Well, Mama, it’s too late because I’m really upset.”
“You didn’t fail, Katie dear,” Gracie said gently. “And there’s no point in thinking that way. Rusty is just a typical boy who wants what he’s never had. That’s not such a bad thing. He just went about getting it the wrong way.” Gracie smiled. “But like I said, everything’s going to work out in the end. Truly, dear, so don’t worry.” Her aunt stood up, smoothed down her caftan, then smiled. “We’d better go, your mother has a date with the mayor.”
About the Boy Page 19