She stared at me a moment, the strangest
blankness in her eyes. It was a blankness devoid of all feeling which I hadn't seen in her before. Then she turned back to Drake. "Well, honey, wouldn't ya rather be in yer own bed tanight?"
"You're confusing him, Fanny," I interrupted.
"He's confused enough. It's better his mind is occupied." She turned to me with more characteristic Fanny fury in her eyes.
"I ain't confusin' him "
"She's right," Randall said softly. He looked almost surprised that he had spoken up, but what he saw made him do it. Almost immediately, though, he realized he had brought Fanny's wrath down upon himself.
"Oh, sure, ya'll say she's right," Fanny snapped.
"Ya'll probably always take her side 'gainst me, won't ya?"
"Come on," he said, in a pleading tone, "let's go have something to eat at a restaurant. We'll come back later."
She stared at me hatefully and then her face softened and she put on one of her brilliant smiles.
"Randall's right. I've been so upset about Pa, I couldn't think about food. And I'm eatin' fer two now, ain't I, Heaven," she said as she looked straight at Logan. "We didn't eat a thing since we left Winnerow, did we, Randall?"
"No," Randall agreed, obviously confused by the tension between Logan and Fanny.
"Ya wanna go to a restaurant, Drake, honey?"
she asked.
"Fanny, can't you see he's in the middle of eating a sandwich?"
"Sandwich." She put her hand on his head and stroked his hair "Ya'd rather go ta a restaurant, wouldn't ya, Drake baby?"
"I'm not a baby," he said, pulling back.
"Well, I didn't mean yer a baby, honey."
"Fanny, let's go eat," Randall pleaded. "We'll come back."
"All right," she snapped. Then she put on her smile again. "We'll see ya all later on." She knelt down beside Drake and kissed him on the cheek. "Jus'
as handsome as yer daddy was," she said. He stared at her as she joined Randall
"We'll see you at the church tomorrow," I said coldly.
"Oh, God, I forgot," Fanny said. "Poor Luke."
She threaded her arm through Randall's. "I jest hate thinkin' 'bout it. Lemme borrow that handkerchief again, Randall, honey," she said and dabbed her eyes gently. She lowered her head.
"So long," Randall said.
The moment he and Fanny left the house, I took a deep breath and tried to calm the coiling rage Fanny had aroused in me. I looked at Logan, who wore a guilty, sad expression.
"I'll take Drake's things out to the car," he said,
"so we can leave as soon as he's finished."
I nodded and then sat at the table and began wiping Fanny's lipstick off Drake's face.
Early the next morning, with Drake between us, one of his small sweet hands in each of ours, we entered the church, like a family. Luke's circus employees crowded the pews and spilled over into the aisles of the small church. There were giants and midgets; a bearded lady in a long, black dress; animal trainers with their hair so long they looked like body-building rock singers; acrobatic groups who were so in tune with one another's movements, they looked attached; some glamorous-looking women who assisted magicians and the ringmaster; some management types in business suits; and men who played clowns, their faces so ridden with real grief, it was as if they wore their sad makeup clown faces.
All of them knew Drake, and at the sight of him it seemed as if the entire collection sighed and burst into tears at once. We walked down the aisle to the front pew and sat facing Drake's parents' caskets.
"Are Mammy and Daddy coming here?" Drake asked, his big brown eyes looking around anxiously. I felt my heart almost break in two.
"This is a special place to say good-bye to your mommy and daddy," I said, holding him tightly.
He looked up at the stained-glass window, at the candles, at the two caskets sitting side by side. The bearded lady had just walked over to Luke's casket and, weeping profusely, leaned over it and placed a single rose atop it.
"He was so kind to me," she whispered aloud to herself.
"Why is Auntie Martha talking to that box?"
Drake asked. "Who's in there? Did Melin the Magician put someone inside there?"
"No, honey," I said. I tenderly kissed his forehead.
"I want to look inside! I don't believe you! I don't believe you! I know my daddy's in there!" he shouted, trying to wrench himself free. "Let me go! I want my daddy!"
He ran up to the coffin. But then he suddenly stopped. He put his tiny little ear against the wood and knocked. "Are you in there, Daddy?"
I tried to run up to him and hold him and
protect him, but the bearded lady gently took my elbow. "Please," she said kindly, "I think I can handle him. Drake and I have always been very good friends."
Drake hugged the bearded lady. "Auntie Martha, Auntie Martha! Is my daddy in there?"
"My precious, darling Drake. Your daddy is in Heaven; it is only his shell in there. But don't worry, darling, Heaven is just like a wonderful circus. The biggest circus your daddy and mommy ever saw.
They will be very happy there. But most important, they want you to be happy here on earth. They want you to go to school, and do well, and stay healthy, and when you grow up, you can be a ringmaster just like your daddy was." She began to cry.
"I want to be a ringmaster," Drake said. "And a lion tamer, too."
"Now I want you to go back and sit down with your sister. She loves you very, very much."
Then the bearded lady swept little Drake into her arms and kissed him good-bye.
"Pm going to be a lion tamer," Drake told me proudly.
"Of course you are, darling, you're going to be everything you want to be, and I'm going to help you," I assured him. "Now, Drake," I said, as I led him away from the casket, "let's sit down and listen to the service, okay?"
He nodded bravely, clutching my hand so hard he seemed to be afraid I, too, would disappear. As we walked back to the pew, I saw that Drake was comforted by the sight of all the familiar faces. As I scanned the congregation, I was surprised Fanny and Randall hadn't yet arrived. But my mind didn't linger on her. We sat down and Logan put his arm around me. I couldn't help but stare at the casket and think about Luke.
The organ music began. Then I heard a
commotion at the door and turned around to look.
Fanny and Randall were hurrying up the aisle. Fanny was wearing the same black cocktail dress she had worn yesterday and her face was just as heavily made up. As she slid into the pew beside us, she suddenly caught sight of the casket. She grabbed my hand as the tears began to spill down her cheeks, her heavy eye makeup turning her tears into muddy black and blue streams. At that moment I almost felt close to this sister of mine who seemed always to want to hurt me.
The minister appeared. He delivered a fine eulogy for someone who hadn't really known Luke and Stacie. Obviously, Mr. Steine had provided him with some biographical material. The minister talked about Luke's desire to provide entertainment and pleasure for people. He said that some people believed life, itself, was like a circus, and that God was like the ringmaster. He said that Luke had a finer performance awaiting him in Heaven, that God had called him to a greater responsibility. I was glad he had used the expression "God had called him." Little Drake, who stared at the closed coffins before him, looked up with widened eyes when the minister said those words. He remembered what I had told him.
Then the minister talked about Stacie, who had been a good mother and a good wife, and how Luke's and her love for each other must have been so strong, God decided to take them at the same time so they could be together.
Fanny began really sobbing, wailing loud
enough so everyone in the church could hear. Randall comforted her, hoping to get her to lower her voice, I thought. For one moment, before the minister finished, Fanny and I looked at each other, and I saw my own sincere pain and sorrow reflected in her
eyes.
Luke had often shown her affection when she was younger, and Fanny hadn't seen very much of real affection in her life. She was suffering a real loss in Luke's death.
The caskets were carried out of the church and brought to their plots in the cemetery. A monument stone had already been cut and engraved. Casteel was written on top and their Christian names below with their birth dates and the date of their death. Under that it simply read, "Rest in Peace." After the final words were said and the caskets lowered, the mourners began to depart.
Out in front of the church Fanny scooped Drake into her arms again, tears streaming down her face.
"Oh, Drake, honey, yer like an orphan now, yer like us." She showered his face with kisses. He didn't resist; he was numbed and overwhelmed by the service and the sight of the coffins. I thought she was overdoing it, however, and pulled him out of her arms.
"He's not an orphan," I said, my face aflame with anger. "He's going to have a home and a family."
Fanny stepped back, stung by the cold tone in my voice. She wiped the tears from her cheeks with Randall's handkerchief and glared at me.
"He should be in the Willies," she said. "With his daddy's kind."
"That will never be," I stated, something proud and strong as steel springing into my spine. "Luke left the Willies to make himself a better life, and he would want the same for his son."
"Come, Fanny," Randall said softly. Some of the mourners from the circus had stopped to watch us.
"This isn't the place to hold such a discussion."
Fanny looked around for a moment and then
smiled.
"Yer right," she said. "Good-bye fer now, Heaven Leigh. Bye, Drake, honey." She threw him a kiss and then pivoted on her heels and sauntered off with Randall.
We drove directly to the airport. Drake was like a rag doll in my lap all the way, sitting limply, quietly, his head against my breast. When we arrived at the airport, however, the excitement surrounding the airplanes and the business of travel revived him. He had some lunch and we boarded our plane. I placed him at the window and he became very animated.
"Are we up above the birds?" he asked. "Will we land on the moon?" Logan explained to Drake all about how airplanes flew, how the clouds prevented us from seeing the ground when we flew above them, why the plane didn't disappear in the clouds Drake was so excited with this new adventure, his face so animated, I felt sure we were going to be able to make him happy in his new family. Logan was going to make a wonderful father. Already he had accepted Drake as his own.
Soon both Logan and Drake fell asleep, Drake's sweet dark head resting on Logan's lap. How peaceful they seemed. I wished I could feel so peaceful, but my mind was abuzz with anxiety. I wanted to know why Tony had given the circus to Luke, why Luke had that clipping of my wedding from the newspaper in his drawer. I wanted to start my new life with Drake and Logan and our new baby clear from the sticky webs of the past, and I was determined to force Tony to clear away every one of them.
Tony was not at Farthy when we arrived. Curtis said he had been called away on business and wouldn't be back until late the following afternoon.
There were all sorts of phone messages waiting for Logan, and he went right to work calling people after we got settled-in.
Drake and I took a brief tour of the house. He was enchanted by the murals in the drawing room, and even more impressed by the size of the house. "Is this a castle, Heaven?" he asked. "Am I going to be a prince now?" His eyes were wide with wonder.
"Yes, darling," I said, hugging him close to me.
"You will be the prince of the castle and have everything your heart desires."
I had the room right next to our suite prepared for him and Logan brought him some of the sample toys that were in the house. Drake was exhausted from the day and the travel, and he fell asleep right after he had some dinner.
After I tucked him into his bed, I stood and stared down at him. He was so sweet, so beautiful and innocent. I promised myself to be a real mother to him, never to make him feel foreign or unwanted.
Yes, I could try to undo the past. I could prove with my love that anger and bitterness and resentment could be put to rest once and for all. I would love him enough to undo all the pain and misery I had suffered by hating Luke.
Fanny was right—we were all orphans of a sort, but I would make us a family. The baby growing in me would be as much a brother or sister to him as any baby Stacie would have had. And I would love Drake in a way Luke had never been able to love me.
I tucked the blanket under his chin, knelt down and kissed his soft cheek, and left him Logan was just hanging up the phone in the bedroom when I arrived.
"Heaven," he said, his face a picture of frustration, "I hate to do this to you so quickly, but I've got to get back to Winnerow tomorrow. The roofers walked off the job over a dispute with my foreman Everything's at a standstill there. As soon as I settle it—"
"Don't worry, Logan. You go in the morning.
I'll be busy getting to know Drake and letting him get to know me and Farthy. And I want to be here when Tony gets back. We have some things to discuss," I said. Logan heard the determined tone running under my words.
"I'm sure that he has good explanations and that everything he did and has done he did for good reasons, Heaven. Tony cares for you. He wouldn't do anything to upset you, especially now that you're pregnant."
"I hope not," I said, but of course, there was much Logan didn't know about my past at
Farthinggale. His optimism was understandable.
Logan slept the sleep of the innocent that night, while I tossed and turned, turned and tossed, my mind assailed by secrets and shadows. I lay there wondering and thinking. How odd life was. How like my own life Drake's would become. And how like mine would my own child's be, a child who might never know who his or her real father was? My mind churned on, trying to unravel the cat's cradle that was my life. So many of the knots were centered around Tony—Tony, who had raped my mother, who had caused Jillian to go mad, who had made my love with Troy
impossible, and now, it appeared, had tried to run Luke's life as he tried to run mine. Why? As far as I knew, the only time Luke had any contact with Tony was when he called him to tell him he had bought me plane tickets to go to Boston to see him and Jillian and learn about my mother. Tony rarely mentioned Luke after that. Why would he? They came from worlds so far apart they might as well have been on different planets. - -
Yet the telegram announcing Luke and Stacie's death came to Tony, and it was Tony who had made all these arrangements. Why did Tony buy Luke the circus and never tell me he had done so?
It was no use; I would never sleep tonight, I thought. I looked over at Logan. He was dead to the world, tired himself from the travel and the ordeal.
His breathing was deep and regular. I got out of bed and slipped into my robe and slippers, moving quietly into the dimly lit corridor. First I checked on Drake and found him in a deep sleep. I fixed his blanket, which he had pushed away during some tossing and turning, and then I left him. But instead of returning to my bedroom, I went downstairs.
How quiet the house was. How still were the shadows in the corners. My own shadow, ten times my size, followed me along the walls like a dark hovering angel as I descended the stairs and paused to reconsider what I was about to do. I had never had the interest or the curiosity before, but tonight . . . tonight I needed answers.
I went directly to Tony's office and turned on the light. The big desk was cluttered with papers. I knew how much Tony hated anyone to go through his things. He even hated the maids cleaning. The office always had a dusty, unkempt appearance, but Tony valued his privacy and his own system of recording and finding things so much, he hated any interference.
My gaze fell on the file cabinets. I was glad that he kept things alphabetized. At first I searched and found nothing. I was looking under the C's for Casteel. Confused and frustrated, I stood there thinking Then I pulled ou
t the files under the H's, looking for one labeled HEAVEN. My heart sent an electric shock through my veins instead of blood when I found it.
I sat down at his desk and looked through it. At first all I found were papers concerning my schooling.
But then I found a simple document, a document that made me colder than the most icy wind shaking through the cracks in the cabin floor and walls in the Willies.
It was a letter of agreement between Anthony Townsend Tatterton and Luke Casteel, turning the Windenbarron circus over to Luke for the simple consideration of one dollar plus the following stipulation:
". . that he never again make contact in any way, form, or manner with Heaven Leigh Casteel."
The agreement being that he would forfeit his ownership of the circus, should he do so.
I sat back, too stunned to rage or cry or scream.
Too stunned to know how to react. I understood only one thing.
Once again Luke had sold me
THIRTEEN
The Sins of My Father
SOON AFTER DAWN'S FIRST LIGHT I
WAS AWAKENED BY THE pitter-pat of small feet.
I opened my eyes and spotted Drake in the doorway, tousle-haired from sleep, shyly staring at me. I had left the door open so I could hear him should he awaken during the night and cry out for his mother or father. I smiled and sat up. Logan woke up immediately, too.
"Good morning, Drake," I said. "Hungry for breakfast?"
He continued to stare at me, his eyes blinking rapidly.
"Morning, Drake," Logan said, getting out of bed quickly. "I'm hungry. I know that."
"I wanna go home," Drake said. He didn't whine; he just made a demand.
I got out of bed and went to him, kneeling down before him and taking his hands into mine He stood there firmly, his beautiful bright brown eyes intense, his lips pursed.
"You are home now, Drake. Wherever Logan and I are will be your home from now on. Don't you remember yesterday and all the things we said and saw?"
He nodded slowly. I brought him to me,
embracing him and kissing him on the cheek.
Fallen Hearts (Casteel Series #3) Page 23