by Amir Lane
He sat up as straight as he could, arching his back and sucking in his stomach to make the rolls go away. Sure, everyone had rolls, blah blah blah. He’d heard Lindy’s rants about it more than enough times to feel guilty for feeling embarrassed by them. But, well, Steven’s eyes moved up the path of blond hair beneath his navel and up across the faint outline of abs, and Dieter really didn’t care about the media’s shaming of perfectly normal blah blah blah.
His real appeal may have been in his legs, but the rest of him wasn’t half bad, either. Considering his strict diet and exercise regiment, he damn well should have looked good. Even the scars from an appendectomy and a bike accident didn’t take away from that.
The Shadow threw itself against a window. It was enough to make Dieter glance over.
“God, but you are gorgeous.”
There they were, the words Dieter had been waiting to hear. He almost wished he hadn’t set his condition. He let Steven stare all he wanted, but he didn’t slide his shirt over his shoulders. It was the only barrier he had between himself and Steven.
“The things I want to do to you…”
It wasn’t the words that had Dieter shivering. There was that feeling again, of being watched. It raised goosebumps on his skin and made his neck prickle. He twisted around to look back but found that the door had no window. There was no way anyone could be watching them. His eyes swept upward, and he found a Shadow perched upside down on the ceiling like a bat. It was a much darker grey than most Shadows, with limbs bent at sharp angles. The other one was still rattling the window.
Dieter had always wondered how much thought Shadows had. What little information there was on spirits—assuming any of it was credible—never mentioned anything about it. But they never said anything about them looking like shadows either. The one by the window didn’t seem to have much more thought than a fly trapped two inches from an opening. But this other one seemed intent, focused. It reminded him more of Aldo eyeing the rare animal that wandered onto the lawn.
It made Dieter feel like prey.
He tipped his head, and the Shadow mimicked him. Nausea turned his stomach into knots. Any thoughts of Steven and his praise left him. There was something wrong with this Shadow. It was watching him. Shadows weren’t supposed to watch him, imaginary or not. He closed the buttons on his shirt with trembling fingers. He couldn’t be sure that the buttons were lined up with the right holes, but he also couldn’t care right now.
“What’s wrong?” Steven asked.
“I have to go. I have to—Stop staring at me! No, no, not you. I just—I can’t.”
The words came out rushed and frantic. Disorganized, his father would say with a semi-satisfied, semi-disappointed click of his tongue. It wasn’t his fault, though. All the medication, all the therapy, all the coping techniques in the world couldn’t keep him from feeling disorganized when he grabbed his jacket and turned to find the Shadow from the ceiling only inches from his face. He jumped back, knocking the empty coat rack over. The Shadow against the window kept alternating between shrieking and wailing.
Dieter covered his head with his arms and squeezed his eyes shut. They weren’t real, he reminded himself, just a product of bad mental wiring. They couldn’t hurt him.
A pair of arms wound around Dieter’s waist. He almost screamed, but realized that they were real quickly enough to clamp his teeth together. He dared himself to crack his eyes open and found the ceiling Shadow gone.
“It’s okay,” Steven said. “There’s nothing there. It’s just us. I’ve got you, you’re safe.”
The words should have comforted him. They didn’t. They only served to remind him that this was how everyone else saw him: crazy and afraid of things that weren’t even real. The window Shadow seemed to have exhausted itself. It clung to the curtains, moaning feebly. Dieter felt the same way.
“I need to go home,” Dieter managed. “My sister wants me to pick some things up for her.”
Steven gave a slow nod. Dieter kept his eyes down, so he couldn’t see if it was concern or disappointment on his face. Frankly, he didn’t much care right now. He could only focus on one thing at a time. Right now, that one thing was Shadows.
“Let me drive you. I don’t have any more classes today.”
Dieter shook his head.
“I need some air. Confined spaces—not a good idea right now.”
Steven squeezed his arms but didn’t press.
The window Shadow, light and weak-looking, followed him out the door, crawling at an alarming speed. Dieter felt it grabbing at his heels. He couldn’t help himself; he bolted down the stairs and ran across the lawn as fast as he could. It was nowhere near his top speed, restricted by his jeans and jacket and weighed down by his boots and backpack as he was, but it was enough to outrun the Shadow and draw a few curious glances.
Since the nearest—and cheapest—grocery store was an hour walk at best, Dieter decided to take the bus. Enclosed space or not, he couldn’t muster the energy to stand let alone walk that kind of distance. The bus was almost empty, anyway. With earphones in place, it was easy to tune out the chatter and hisses. He kept his eyes closed until the playlist he was listening to finished. It was just under twenty minutes, and Dieter had always found it a reliable marker for this trip.
He watched the last bus stop before his approach. As soon as the bus pulled out onto the street again, Dieter pulled the cord until he heard it ding, and the red STOP REQUESTED sign lit up.
For the amount of travel time, Dieter didn’t spend much time shopping. He grabbed the tea and chocolate, and a couple of frozen dinners. Okay, maybe his strict diet wasn’t that strict. He tried but sometimes, he just needed crap. And unless Lenna was in the cooking mood, it was either this or go without food tonight. Even shoving the cardboard tray into the microwave and waiting two minutes felt like more effort than he was willing to spend.
Still, he contemplated making a stop at the nearest liquor store. He could really use some whiskey tonight. Something to help him sleep if the pills didn’t cut it.
When the bus pulled around again, Dieter picked a spot in the back and slid in next to the window. He almost closed his eyes when something caught his attention.
It was the Shadow from before, the one from the ceiling. Its limbs were still twisted in that painful-looking way, even though it was fairly upright. It was still staring, but it wasn’t alone this time. Next to it was a tall man, maybe just shorter than Lenna, with dark hair. His jacket was open over a University of Lorelle sweater. He turned toward the Shadow, and Dieter wouldn’t have given it much thought to it if he didn’t start talking. Dieter straightened up and pressed his hands to the glass window, leaning into it. He must have been wearing a Bluetooth receiver, there was no way he was actually talking to the Shadow. But Dieter couldn’t see any ear piece. He could have sworn that the brunette was looking right at him through the tinted window. There was no way he could actually see through it, but his lips pulled up into a satisfied smile and Dieter had to wonder.
The bus started moving again. By the time Dieter turned to look out the back window, he and the Shadow were gone.
“I AM not joking,” Sandra Wu said, her voice crackling over speakerphone, “I have zero idea what we’re supposed to do for this stupid lab.”
“These questions make no sense. I don’t think they even spell checked the instructions.”
Dieter let out a long, shaky sigh and rubbed the side of his face. They’d been working on this goddamn lab report for days and they weren’t any farther now than they’d been when they first started. It didn’t help that the other half of their group was completely useless. The TAs weren’t even answering their emails. This bullshit report wasn’t worth much but every time he thought of getting less than a 90, of how much it would pull his grade in this class down, his blood pressure rose and sweat broke out across his lower back.
But staring blankly at the Word document and four open Internet tabs weren’t getting them any
where.
“So what do we do now?” he asked.
It came out weaker than he’d meant it to. Between sleep deprivation and eating garbage to keep up with labs and midterms and projects, he was starting to feel as bad as he looked. It was even starting to show on the scale.
“I’m thinking we just go see the TA tomorrow during office hours. I have a midterm in the morning.”
“Okay, you should definitely be working on that instead.”
“And you should take a nap. You sound wiped. Have you even been sleeping?”
Dieter snorted, leaning away from a Shadow that drifted uncomfortably close to his face.
“I’m taking that as a no,” Sandra said. “Go get some sleep, honey. You sound like you need it.”
Such a simple display of concern shouldn’t have done anything for him. She called everyone honey. But it still sent a kind of warmth through his body that sex didn’t give him.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Sandra said.
“Yeah, see you.”
The call ended, and the sudden silence rang through the room. Dieter grabbed the whiskey bottle from behind his laptop and took a long drink. The warmth was enough of a substitute for actual human warmth to… Well, no it wasn’t. But he could work with it. He pulled his knees up, burying his face in his arms, letting the bottle dangle between his fingers. His eyelids relaxed of their own volition. His chair definitely wasn’t a good place to fall asleep. Especially not this early. The whole getting dark out at 5 thing was wreaking havoc on his sleep cycle.
A light tap at his door made him lift his head. The Shadow was still moving around him. He had to lean back in his chair to see past it.
“Still studying?” Lindy asked, leaning against the door frame in a pair of blue bunny rabbit pyjamas.
Dieter looked back over at his laptop. The bright colours of his screen saver moved around. He stared for a few seconds. Moving the cursor would take so much effort. What was two percent in the long run? They’d get the report done tomorrow. He couldn’t fucking deal with it right now. It was too much at once.
“Not anymore.”
“C’mon, we’re partying downstairs. Your room creeps the hell out of me,” she said.
She grabbed his whiskey and sauntered back out, humming an upbeat tune.
Dieter looked around the room. What the hell was creepy about it? Okay, maybe it was a little dark, and he’d never really gotten around to decorating. Aside from some equation sheets, there was nothing personal about the room at all.
It left a hollow feeling in his stomach. There was no difference between this room and his room at home. They had no personality. Nothing to identify them as his. Maybe it was creepy. Maybe he was creepy.
With Lindy holding his drink hostage, Dieter had no choice but to follow her downstairs. Lenna was curled up on the couch with a large bowl of popcorn. Dieter could see Aldo moving beneath her white tank top. She took the bottle from Lindy despite Dieter’s whine.
“Aren’t you not supposed to drink?” she asked.
“Don’t you work tomorrow morning?”
Lenna’s lips hovered around the mouth of the bottle before she shrugged and drank anyway.
“Listen. I had a shit day. I’m allowed a drink.”
“We’ve all had a shit day,” Lindy said. “We’re allowed to drink. Except you, you’re on meds.”
“What happened?” Dieter asked.
He could ignore that second part. He’d been fine so far.
“Well, I got called some not so fucking nice words and punched in the face. So that was fun.” Lenna pointed to the bruise forming beneath her cheekbone.
Dieter winced. Lenna could take a punch, but it still looked painful. Whatever had been said to her had to be bad to make her upset. Lenna had thicker skin than anyone else Dieter knew. He suspected what the not-so-nice words were, but he wasn’t going to say them out loud. As far as he was concerned, Lenna could have the entire bottle. He hadn’t drunk much from it.
“Did you punch back?” he asked
“Nah, but Catrin did. And Chan banned him from the property. He ain’t big on dickheads like that.”
“I can top that,” Lindy said. “Guy breaks into his ex-wife’s house. Shoots up the whole family. Guess who got to talk to a six-year-old girl while she bled out because a head-on blocked the main road.”
Lindy pointed to herself with a sarcastic grin. Lenna handed her the bottle without hesitation.
“You guys win,” Dieter said. “I can’t even compete.”
“C’mon,” Lenna said, “you must have something.”
“Hah, not like you guys do. I just have this asshole—” Dieter motioned over his shoulder. “—crying and following me around all week. But that’s pretty normal for me.”
It sounded like a mosquito by now, buzzing too close to his ear. There was a long hesitation where he considered mentioning his affair—if he could call it that yet—with Steven Volson. It didn’t seem like the time. If there ever was a time for that.
Lenna stood to grab a bottle of vodka from the fridge. Aldo’s tail flicked across her broad shoulders as he leaped off her back, landing on the carpet with ease.
Lindy took the spot between Dieter and the arm of the couch.
“It’s not all bad,” she mumbled. “No-one died in that collision. There was a baby in one of the cars.”
“Small miracles, I guess.”
They passed the drinks and popcorn around, reruns of some cheesy sitcom playing on the TV. It was loud enough to keep the Shadows from bothering him. Dieter suspected that Aldo’s iridescent eyes kept them at bay. If only Aldo would follow him instead of Lenna. His life would be so much easier.
Between the warmth of the alcohol and the exhaustion brought on by school and work, it was easy to slip into a short half-sleep. The sound of tapping against glass had him cracking an eye open to the sight of Lindy and Lenna exchanging kisses.
“Oh, get a room,” he mumbled.
“You’re the only one allowed to have any fun, querido?”
Dieter only grunted and closed his eyes again. The tapping started up again, louder this time.
“Do you guys hear that?” he asked.
“Nope.”
“Hear what?”
Dieter didn’t answer. If they couldn’t hear it, then it must have been a Shadow. Or maybe they just weren’t paying enough attention. They were clearly focused on more important things.
The windows were covered with dark red curtains, but Dieter was sure that whatever was making the sound was on the other side. There were no trees low enough to reach the window, and he was sure that most birds had migrated by now. Every horror movie he’d ever seen flashed through his mind as he approached the window. With a deep breath, he threw the curtain back.
There was nothing there. It must have been a bird, then.
He turned and came face-to-face with the Shadow that had given him the same start in Steven’s office. His shriek was enough to tear Lenna and Lindy apart. Lindy all but ran over and walked right through the Shadow. Her hands gripped his arms, hard enough to leave bruises.
“Dieter? Look at me. Are you okay?”
Dieter trembled against her. Lenna’s hand settled on his back. He thought she might have been getting ready to catch him if he fell.
“It’s—It’s the same one. Why is it following me?”
Dieter couldn’t say how he recognized it, but he did. Something about the way its limbs were twisted. He looked down at Lindy and repeated the question.
“I don’t know…”
“I dunno if this helps,” Lenna said slowly, “but Aldo thinks he heard whatever you heard.”
“Oh. Great.”
It came out more sarcastic than he’d intended it to. He pried the whiskey from Lenna’s hand and finished it off. It burned the back of his throat, but he didn’t care. It wouldn’t kill him. Probably. Hopefully.
He spent the night wedged between Lenna and Lindy on the former’s
bed. It was a tight and uncomfortable fit, but neither of them was willing to leave him alone after he had burst into tears. He blamed the alcohol. But he couldn’t argue with them and, honestly, he didn’t want to.
IT WAS an uncomfortable pressure in Dieter’s lower abdomen that woke him up earlier than he would ever otherwise wake up. His mouth was so dry, it felt like it would crumble, and he swore he’d taken a baseball bat to his left eye.
Lenna shifted, a brown eye cracking open.
“Time’s it?” she croaked.
“Uhm—six-forty. Hey, is that a roll of quarters, or are you just happy to see me?”
Lenna rolled onto her stomach, flipping him off.
“I’m gay, asshole. My dick thinks you’re a chick.”
Dieter snorted and crawled out of bed without knocking Lindy off. His trip to the bathroom was quick, only long enough to empty his bladder and wash the taste of stale alcohol out of his mouth. He didn’t like to linger around mirrors.
The kitchen was quiet. There was no reason for it not to be when the house’s other inhabitants were both asleep upstairs. There was no tapping against the window, no shrieking or wailing. He poured himself a glass of water and curled up on the couch. The TV was still on, running a news segment on an English teacher on trial for sleeping with a student. He turned it off before he caught the teacher’s name. The only sound was his own breathing until he heard Lenna stomping down the stairs, swearing in Portuguese. Dieter looked over with a raised eyebrow.
Lenna landed on the main floor, only to let Aldo off her arm before stomping back upstairs.
“Grown-ass jaguar, scared of going down the stairs. You know, this is why they say pussy as an insult…”
Her grumbling trailed off as she moved out of earshot.
“You’re scared of going down the stairs?” Dieter asked.
Aldo hissed at him, moving to settle under the window. Sunlight wouldn’t poke through for a few more hours.