by Leanne Davis
Angie had yet to say what she expected out of him in terms of her pregnancy. But if he was with her, wasn’t it somehow implied he’d have to at some point accept, and be involved with the pregnancy? The baby? A baby he’d yet to quit calling an it. And thinking of it as an invading alien.
So now here he was back to his life. Back to his friends, people he’d known and liked his entire life. People who liked him, and didn’t expect anything out of him other than the good time they all had together. There was no big questions, no huge expectations, no silent condemning him for not being a better man. A man who could accept a girl pregnant with another man’s child.
And now he was just drunk enough, just relaxed enough to wonder why he was suddenly so serious. How his life had become so complicated, when it had never been before.
Responsibility was for people like his sister. Sarah thrived on it, sought it out, and wanted it. She liked helping people, she liked controlling situations. She seemed to grow more efficient and energized with the more she had to do, the more those around her needed of her.
Well, not him. He wasn’t Sarah. He wasn’t looking to be either. He liked relaxing, having a good time, having a few hobbies to keep him busy, and few friends to have a few laughs with.
So sure, he’d fallen in love with Angie, but was that supposed to change his entire life? His entire personality? Was that supposed to make his life turn into thirty-four instead of twenty-four? He wasn’t ready for all this. He was ready to date Angie, see where it went. That’s it. That’s all that should be required of him. What was wrong with wanting to date? To see where life went? To take things slow? To not change his entire life simply because he’d fallen in love?
But there she sat. Quiet, shy, reserved Angie. She couldn’t drink, so she couldn’t relax. He knew his friends were disappointed in who he’d brought tonight. They hadn’t expected someone like Angie to be the someone who he had taken to being serious with. They expected someone fun. Someone charming. Someone sexy and sweet and adoring. Someone who would giggle when they made stupid jokes, or start chatting when they asked her questions.
They hadn’t been prepared for Angie Peters. She sat in her chair, back ramrod straight, her hair falling over her face as a beautiful, blond shield to keep people from bothering her. They didn’t expect a girl who didn’t smile at lame jokes, or go along laughing at bawdy comments. They didn’t expect a girlfriend of his to take offense to guys flirting with the waitress, or pound fisting after comments over a particular piece of girls’ anatomy.
They didn’t expect he’d left here two months ago twenty-four and fun, to come back thirty and serious.
He was just drunk enough, it all started to bother him. She started to bother him.
Couldn’t she let her feminist crap go for one night? Laugh at jokes? Smile at stupidity? Enjoy foolish crap that let off the steam of life? Couldn’t she throw her hair off her face, and smile once in a while? Chat about nothing? Did everything have to have a point? A purpose? A life changing consequence? Couldn’t something be fun and stupid for the sake of being fun and stupid?
Charlene handed him his drink. He thanked her without glancing at her while he handed her a five and walked away. He’d lost twenty bucks to Jerry at pool. He’d won back fifteen at darts against Chase. He’d sat around with Reed and Wes, catching up about the latest Salmon season on the Columbia. And now, Angie sat there; still quiet, still unsmiling, still reserved and unlikeable. And he was supposed to what? Sit next to her and be that with her?
Why didn’t she just leave? Take her disdain toward him and his friends and The Oyster and go home to her high handed ideals, her thesis, and her life-altering pregnancy? What was she even doing in Seaclusion?
He wove through the crowd. The smiling, drinking, flirting, having fun crowd. To the table where his girlfriend sat scowling at him, at the crowd, at the fun around her.
He remembered too, how he’d come to sleep with Angie’s mother. Vanessa came here. Vanessa smiled, she talked, she drank, she flirted. Vanessa led him out by the hand out of the building around the back, and nearly screwed him right there against the brick wall.
And Angie? She expected him to apologize for having a good time. For doing things that came natural to him, as not doing it came to her.
It’s not like he wanted to do that with Vanessa, or anyone else for that matter. He didn’t. He was in love with Angie. He could and wanted to stay faithful to her. What he didn’t want, was her to be pregnant and expect him to handle it. Judge him on how he handled it. Or didn’t handle it, as was becoming the case.
He finally made it back to their table. She was looking up at him. He didn’t make eye contact. Didn’t need to see the disapproval to know it was there. He knew. He felt the daggers in her gaze.
“Why did you tell them?”
He heard her talk. He had to sit and lower his head toward her to hear. “What?” he nearly shouted into her ear.
“How could you tell your friends I was pregnant and not at least warn me?”
Oh, so that was it? She was pissed he’d mentioned she wasn’t drinking because she was pregnant. They had all, of course, been startled, almost sympathetic toward him, so he’d had to explain it wasn’t his kid. And that had been a pretty good conversation stopper. No one had known what to say to him. There was no appropriate social response to that.
He shrugged. “Well, you are, aren’t you? Not like you’ll hide it much longer.”
She stiffened. Her face went glacial toward him; he leaned back, sprawled in the chair. Relaxed. Relaxed for what seemed the first time in weeks.
“You’re drunk.”
“I am. I’m drunk and enjoying it. Relax, would you? It’s not a crime.”
“You didn’t have to make me look like a slut.”
“I didn’t. I merely explained why you weren’t drinking. Didn’t want people thinking you were too good to drink with.”
“No, it’s better to let them in on our most private issue?”
“Private? Hell, sweetheart, the entire world’s going to be staring at it in another month or so.”
“It’s not an it. It’s a baby. My baby. If you wanted to have this conversation why didn’t you at any point when we were alone? When you were sober? Why would you purposely humiliate me with people I don’t even know? In a setting you know I’m completely uncomfortable in?”
“Maybe that’s your problem. You’re not comfortable anywhere. Nowhere normal, that it. Class maybe, a lecture. Probably why the professor looked so good to you, huh? You two do it in the library? A museum maybe? Really class it up?”
She stared at him for a long moment. Her gaze cool, glacial in its effect. He felt it even through his drunken haze. He let the legs of his chair fall back to the ground as the silence went on. He began to think maybe he’d gone a little too far.
“Hey, look, Angie I didn—”
She snapped her arm out from under the hand he put on her wrist. She stood up. She jerked her purse off the chair, and walked out without another word to him.
He watched her leave, his eyes heavy, and head buzzing, he began to think he’d really fucked himself up. It was late before Jerry got him home. Not before he’d made a spectacle hugging all his friends, letting them all know how much he loved them.
It wasn’t until morning, as the stabbing agony of sunlight filled his eyes, that he realized what he’d said to Angie. What he’d done to her. He rolled away from the bright sun wishing he could just one time figure out why he didn’t know how to deal with Angie Peters and the inevitable drama that followed her.
Chapter 18
Sean finally dragged himself to a shower, and made coffee, downing aspirin as he ran cold water over his face again. He put on clean sweats and a t-shirt before he finally set off across the lawn to his sister’s house.
He prepared himself for the worst. But when he entered the kitchen all was silent. No one was in sight. They probably went to church. But where was Angie? He grabbed
a donut from Sarah’s bread drawer and then headed back to his trailer. His phone shook on the table in vibrate mode. He grabbed it, glanced at the screen, expecting Angie, but seeing his sister’s number.
He answered it quickly. “Hey, Sarah, what’s up?”
“Angie. Angie’s up. Listen, don’t panic but we’re at the hospital. She had some cramping, and some bleeding early this morning. She’s just getting admitted now. She…she might be losing the baby.”
Sean’s mouth soured. “I’ll be right there.”
He cut the phone off, as he ran to get dressed, threw on a coat and was out the door in three minutes.
The hospital was only ten minutes from Seaclusion. They were lucky to have a hospital that served several of the small towns along the coast. He parked and strode through the main reception when he saw Sarah sitting in the waiting room. Scott was next to her. Their kids weren’t in sight.
A strange déjà vu filled him. He remembered being fifteen, the summer going into his sophomore year in high school, walking this same hallway, toward Sarah. Toward Scott. Angie had at that time been in labor. He’d been so scared he could have wet his pants. Now here he was again.
Sarah stood when she saw him coming. She rushed forward.
“How is she?”
“Not sure yet. She just got admitted. They’re doing an ultra sound in a few minutes. What happened to you? You look like shit.”
“Hung over. We went to The Oyster last night.” Sarah was looking him over, a frown on her face.
“Angie was upset last night.”
“I’m sure she was.”
“Care to explain that?”
“I’ll talk to Angie about it.”
Sarah nodded, her gaze weary, she sat down next to Scott, Sean sat across from them. Scott merely scowled at him, his thoughts far away, and his worry visible on his face.
What would happen if Angie lost the baby? How would she react? How would he? How could he react after the way he’d acted last night? Angie knew he wasn’t happy she was pregnant. How could she believe that he didn’t want her to lose it?
Losing this baby would destroy her, as giving away Amy had destroyed her. He didn’t want that for her. Not again. What became starkly real to him in that moment was how much he loved Angie. He had lost sight of that for about three hours the night before, and now that he was back to normal, himself, he couldn’t believe the things that he’d said. Last night he’d acted the complete opposite of what he felt. He had acted as if a night out at The Oyster was worth giving up Angie for. The thing was, it wasn’t. Nothing was. The problem was he’d never told Angie that. How could she believe him? After what he’d said and done to her, how could she ever believe he didn’t want this for her?
Sean walked into Angie’s hospital room, still feeling like he had somehow woken up eight years ago, back to the day Amy was born. He shook his head to clear it. It wasn’t Amy. This was now. This was Angie waiting to see if she was losing her baby. A baby that wasn’t his.
Angie’s head turned toward him when she heard him start across the room. She was laying back, her head propped up on pillows. She had cried at some point, her eyes were swollen, and bruised with exhaustion.
He hung back a moment. Trying to orient himself to now, and that this was not the past. He might have acted like he was fifteen last night, but that wasn’t who he wanted to be. Today it was time to grow up, face responsibility, and what’s more, face that he was going to have to take on this responsibility if he wanted Angie. And he did want Angie. Maybe this was growing up, choosing to take on responsibility and knowing his life would be better for choosing it. For choosing Angie.
Now he had to figure out how to convey this all to Angie after how he’d screwed up last night, and now that they were here, facing the worst possible situation, facing Angie’s worst possible fear.
He came closer to her. “Are you okay?”
“Not sure yet. Yes. I mean I’m going to be okay. I just don’t know yet if—”
“I understand. Sarah told me. I’m sorry, Angie, really. About this. About last night. I didn’t mean it. I was drunk and awful.”
Angie shook her head. “Don’t. You don’t have to explain, I understand. I think you were honest for the first time since I told you I was pregnant. You could have said it better, but I think what you said was coming from how you really felt. And it’s okay. I mean, I get it. This is too much to ask of anyone. We’ve been together only a few months. And a few months, doesn’t warrant dealing with this. Either way. I get that. I accept that. I’ll never hold it against you. I want you to know that. I know you’re not all those things I used to say about you. And not wanting to deal with me, pregnant by someone else, means you’re normal. You’re right even. It’s asking too much of anyone to accept.”
“That’s not what I was expecting you to say.”
“I was mad at first. I really was. But I started thinking about it all. About how happy and carefree you looked with your friends. That’s not a crime. You shouldn’t have to feel guilty about that. The thing with me is I’ll make you feel it. Because, beyond my pregnancy, I’ve never fit into Seaclusion. I still don’t. I never will. And you do. This is where you belong. But it’s the last place I do.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying you were right last night, you shouldn’t deal with this. I should. There is too much stacked against us, always has been. Besides, this, between us, is only weeks old.”
“Not for me.”
“Sean, you were intrigued with me from a distance, from me not living here, me not being pregnant. That isn’t love.”
“It was. And it still is. I love you. And I want you more than I want a night out at The Oyster. And if you come with a baby, I’m ready to figure that out. I’m ready to face it.”
Angie was quiet for a long moment. Strangely, tears filled her eyes. “Thank you. You can’t imagine what that feels like to me. But—”
“But what?”
“But this isn’t a basis of a relationship. We live in the wrong places, I can’t stay here, and you have no reason to leave. I have a baby coming, and you’re a decade off from wanting them. It’s not enough, loving each other isn’t enough. If we stop now, we stop before it gets impossible; we end it before we start hating each other.”
“I’m not hoping you lose your baby so that I can have you.”
She put a hand out to his. “I know that. I really do.”
“You’ve had a lot to deal with tonight. You can’t mean this.”
“What if I do?”
“Can’t we deal with one thing at a time?”
He stood up when the door to her room opened. In came personnel dressed in scrubs. Sean slipped out as they started talking. Not sure if he should stay or go. Not sure if he was still Angie’s boyfriend. But sure, of one thing, he wasn’t the baby’s father. He had no say on the baby.
Sarah came in behind the doctors. Sean decided his sister was better at this than he was.
Scott was outside the room, pacing. Sean joined him.
Scott glanced at him. “I’ve done this one too many times for Angie.”
“I know.”
“Do you think she’ll be okay?”
“She’ll be okay.”
“Not for this. You see how she still longs after Amy. You barely glance twice at Amy when you see her. I’ve been there. But Angie stares after her as if she’s watching her heart beating before her.”
“I know.”
“Do you ever regret it? Giving Amy up?”
“No. I don’t. I’d have made a lousy father at fifteen. Not so sure twenty-four-year old me is any better.”
Scott nodded. “It’s not a fault, you know. Not being ready. I mean, the first time, it would have been a disaster. But this time, if you can’t stick, no one would judge. Least of all me.”
Sean was surprised. He thought for sure Scott would fall on Angie’s side of things no matter what.
“Thanks
, Scott. I don’t know where I fall. But right now, I don’t want Angie to be devastated, and that’s as far as I’m taking it.”
Scott nodded. “Me too.”
Scott paled after he glanced over Sean’s shoulder, Sean turned too in reaction to Scott’s tense stance, just as Sarah came walking up. Her terse expression melted into a deep, shining smile
His muscles released as if a rubber band had been cut from around his body. Angie was okay. Her baby was okay, otherwise Sarah wouldn’t be smiling. She came to Scott, and he wrapped his arms around her as she said, “Angie is okay. Her baby is fine. She’s okay.”
Sean realized they had all been wondering if Angie was going to be okay. Vanessa had shaken any confidence from Angie, and Amy had nearly destroyed the very foundation of who Angie was. It seemed to take little anymore to shake her. Sean knew that. And suddenly, he knew too, he was okay with that. He could handle her being fragile. Her being kind of strange, kind of anti-social, her being Angie. Angie Peters pregnant and going to have a baby.
He turned at the epiphany and entered her hospital room. She was smiling. He smiled back. There was no words, the moment was too big, too wonderful, too much of a relief. Funny how though he didn’t want her to be pregnant, now that she was, her becoming unpregnant, wasn’t a plausible option.
He sat down on the far side of her hospital room. The doctor was still talking to her. She was supposed to be on bed rest for the next few days, and take things easy for a while. She nodded, taking it all in with absolute serious intent.
As the doctor stepped out, another gray-haired man entered. Angie’s eyes rounded when her gaze landed on the man. A weird, almost stricken look crossed her face. The guy was staring at Angie with the same blind intent that Angie was him. As if they were alone. As if the man didn’t even register Sean, or anything else in the room. As if Angie was the center of the world.
What the fuck?
“How could you not tell me?”
The words were strange. Sean narrowed his gaze on the guy. He glanced to Angie. And to his surprise, Angie’s eyes were filled with tears. Tears over what? Sean got a bad feeling in his gut. He glanced again at the man, realization dawning that this had to be the professor.