That’s right. Don’t you dare cry.
I shrugged off the uncomfortable memory when it snuck up on me, then finished my shower. Wrapping a towel around myself, I combed my hair, before making the fatal mistake of glancing in the mirror. A sudden sickness swirled in the pit of my stomach.
“I think you know more than you have let on.” I heard Caden’s voice echo in my head. In the mirror, a flash of piercing yellow eyes surrounded by tawny fur replaced mine.
I shrieked and stumbled out of the bathroom, slamming the door behind me. I held the towel tight, trying to calm my trembling. Will my haunting ever go away? Lately it seemed to be getting worse…
I dressed quickly in my usual jeans and oversized T-shirt. While I was getting ready, I kept thinking about how I had been acting toward Xany. Usually, people left after I was cold to them. I expected Xany to go away as well, but she took all the crap I dished out and kept coming back for more.
Just like Vanessa.
Yeah… just like Vanessa. I rolled my shoulders as I thought about her, the only person I think I ever called a real friend in my entire life. I probably owe her a few apologies too.
A few hundred, you ungrateful little bitch.
***
Half an hour later, I found myself knocking on Xany’s door. I smirked at the irony. In a way, I knew what Caden wanted to talk to me about. If he was what I suspected he was at least.
Xany opened the door with an excited smile as she tugged me inside. “See, Caden? I told you she was coming. Never doubt me!” She giggled and let me go.
Caden was sitting at the kitchen table eating a sandwich, and Mal was lounging on the sofa with a bunch of leather strands in his lap. Both men greeted me with a nod, and Caden gestured for me to sit with him; his mouth was too full with sandwich to speak.
I walked over to him warily, my arms in their usual position around my stomach. When I sat like this, it made me feel less likely to fall to pieces in front of people. Caden glanced over my shoulder to Xany and gave her a sideways nod that kindly told her to leave us alone to talk. Xany’s shoulders slumped, and she looked disappointed, but she went over to join Mal on the sofa, within eavesdropping distance, of course. I sat down at the kitchen table with Caden, and he offered me a soft drink. I shook my head and avoided his eyes while I waited for him to initiate the conversation. He pushed his sandwich aside and surveyed me. Thankfully, he cut right to the chase.
“How much do you know, Shawnee?” He set his soda down on the table.
“I know enough.” I leaned away from him. So huge, scary.
“Do you know what you are?” The question wasn’t exactly the most abnormal one I’d ever been asked, but a cold chill still shuddered down my spine at his words.
“A doctor.” My stubbornness made him laugh.
“Was it your mom or dad?”
“My mom…” I hate you for making me do this. The truth was that I was really scared to death of him, but I answered anyway. “She’s dead.”
“Did she teach you?” He watched me closely, probably trying to see how far he could push me. Mal was sitting quietly behind us pretending he couldn’t hear. Xany made no effort to pretend. She continued to stare at us mercilessly.
“Yes. Where’s your pack?” I asked.
“On the sofa,” he said blandly.
“Ha. Where’s your real pack?”
“My father’s pack is farther west. He’s the lead alpha of the Tall Oaks Sept in Northern California. I left to get away from the politics and corruption. The pack is large, and I’m not a conforming kind of dude.”
“A real rebel,” I joked.
“What can I say?” He pretended to dust off his shoulders.
I began to relax a bit. Caden seemed all right, even though he was big and intimidating. I felt somewhat defeated. I hated what I knew. I hated that I knew he was a dominant werewolf, alpha material really, and that I couldn’t fully trust my reactions to him. He could make me feel at ease even if I was terrified. That’s what Alphas do. They control. I was tired of being controlled.
“You thought I was a Lost One because Xany saw my glyph.” I rubbed the arm where my birthmark hid below my shirt.
“We did,” he affirmed. “Xany is a Breeder herself. Part of the reason Mal and I left Tall Oaks was to find Lost Ones before anyone else did. We want to help educate them so that they don’t fall prey to Those Who Collect.” Caden’s chest seemed to broaden at the disclosure like he was trying to smother an actual emotion.
“Those Who Collect? What are you talking about?” I was annoyed at his cryptic responses and sayings. Caden shook his head at my tone. My attitude problem was my favorite defense.
“There has been an uprising over the past several years of packs and rogues who round up Breeders, both Knowing and Lost Ones. The Lost Ones being the most vulnerable and the easier targets. They round them up and use them as…well, Breeders. They hold them captive and impregnate them to continue their bloodlines. Changers are a dying species,” he mocked, knowing full well that Changers were not at all a dying species.
The events he spoke of were not foreign to me. I pulled my arms tighter around myself. I’d heard of Breeders being captured and raped repeatedly by rogue Changers, but I didn’t expect that whole packs would be doing it. Werewolves were the biggest offenders of this type of behavior and yet they had the largest numbers of all were-species. Or maybe it was because of it.
I let my thoughts go, and the telltale pounding returned in my ears. I gripped my shirt and closed my eyes, trying to block out the panic so that I could stay focused on the conversation with Caden.
You’re losing it, crazy bitch.
The last thing I saw was Caden’s confused expression before I was overcome by memories—blinded by the flashes. My father’s hand crashing against my skin. I heard myself screaming. There were hands on me and pain inside me—his snarling face pressing closer to mine—and just when my experience was reaching unbearable terribleness, I snapped out of it.
I found myself on the floor of Xany’s kitchen, huddled in a corner with three sets of eyes staring at me. My pulse was racing. Xany was crouched beside me and so was Mal. Caden stood behind them, looking stunned. Xany put her hand on my shoulder, and I nearly jumped out of my skin, cowering away from her with tears rolling down my cheeks. Mal was steady and unmoving, with one hand on the floor, looking ready to leap. Shame washed over me as I realized that I’d had a panic attack in front of these people. I was too afraid to move. The memories continued to assault my body. They were all looking at me and the pathetic mess that I was on the floor.
Before I could begin my self-hatred parade, Xany whispered, “It’s okay, Shawnee. We won’t hurt you,” and attempted another go at placing her hand on my shoulder.
“Just leave me be.” I twisted away from her and stood up slowly.
My legs were wobbly, and I held my breath, expecting pain. When none came, I rushed past them to the door, sobbing once as I tried to pull it open without releasing the chain. Caden let me go, but Xany and Mal both followed. Mal approached me in silence. He met my gaze for a moment, and a bit of the panic washed away. With slow, careful motions, he reached across me and unlatched the door.
You look like a sorry and disgusting excuse for a human being.
My gaze lingered on his as he dropped his hand, his chest rising and falling in masked calmness. I broke away from him, though part of me didn’t want to. Part of me wanted to stay in the shadow of the overwhelming heat radiating from his body. By the time I got to my apartment door, I was sobbing into my hands. Xany attempt to follow me, but Mal stopped her.
“Leave her be,” he said softly. Xany whimpered at him as I disappeared inside my apartment.
I crawled into bed and didn’t get out. I think I slept on and off for nearly twenty-four hours. It was Vanessa who pulled me from my pseudo-death.
“Shawnee, wake up.”
Her voice was soft. Vanessa knew I was awake without having to
look at me. I guessed she could tell by my breathing. When I opened my eyes, I saw her silently moving around the room as if she were searching for something. There was no sound emanating from her like there usually was.
“Why do you smell like wet dog?” She spoke as she sat down on the bed beside me.
I rolled onto my back with a grunt but didn’t answer her. She released a heavy sigh and brushed my bangs off my face while trying to read my expression. I looked up at her flatly, giving her my “doctor face.” Her eyes were like emeralds even in the dim lighting.
“What happened?” she queried, her characteristic purring returning to her chest when she caressed my cheek, tucking a strand of hair behind my ear.
“How long have you known I was a Breeder?”
“For about as long as you’ve been ignoring my purring.” She watched me. For once, Vanessa looked worn out. I couldn’t remember her really ever looking that way before. “What happened?” She lay down on her stomach beside me, resting her chin on her hand. Her constant purring, which made the bed vibrate, was soothing.
“I freaked out,” I replied. Her gaze darted around my face again, as if trying to tell if I was being serious or sarcastic. She glanced away when she couldn’t figure it out. Vanessa was uncomfortable with ambiguity. “They thought I was a Lost One.”
She met my gaze again when I affirmed my seriousness. “Who did?” She ran her fingers through my hair.
Vanessa was the only person who was allowed to touch me. Concern spread across her porcelain features cradled within the red hair that draped over her shoulders. She crawled closer to me with the grace of the majestic feline that she was, her movement nearly undetectable. I watched her lithe body settle beside me and wondered what it was like to touch her.
“Xany and her brother and his alpha friend.”
“The girl down the hall? What is an alpha doing here?” She sat up a bit. It didn’t take a genius to sense her sudden aggression when the muscles in her torso tightened.
“Xany probably called them. They thought I was a Lost One and came to rescue me or something. Caden figured out that I wasn’t lost and that I knew exactly who I was, and he started asking about things…” I trailed off.
“And then you freaked out.” She watched me.
I held my breath to fight back the uprising of emotions. I was ashamed by having a panic attack in front of the strangers. And by the fact that I didn’t remember what happens when I had them. I put my arm over my face to hide and tried to curl into a fetal position. Vanessa was familiar with my hiding and didn’t let me get away with it that easily. She rolled with me and joined me on the pillow. Vanessa nudged my arm away from my face; I avoided looking at her. I swallowed back my tears.
“It’s okay, Shawnee.” She paused. “I know that bad things happened to you on the reservation with your mother’s pack, I get it. No one can make you relive that. You have control over what you want to share. But you’re avoiding everything and it’s making it worse and worse. I think you’re starting to see that…” Her voice was tender but pressured like she’d been holding it in for a long time.
I sobbed and clenched my teeth again, feeling the panic rising in my chest in an all-too-familiar way. Vanessa’s hand found its way to my stomach, rubbing in slow circles. It calmed me much in the same way that Mal did when he let me out the door. I didn’t understand any of it. Why Vanessa’s touch and the heat of Mal’s presence soothed me, or why I found myself wanting it.
“You’re dying, Shawnee, and I’m enabling you by coddling you in bed, letting you get away with not talking, and using alcohol and bad sex to numb away your pain and hurt yourself. You put on a good act as a doctor and hide behind your genius, but someday, Shawnee, that’s all going to fail, and you’ll find yourself alone in a strange place, missing months of time because you let your panic and forgetfulness go unchecked. It’s happened enough already…” She glanced away, looking thoroughly exhausted from the effort it took to say that. Of course she was right; I knew she was. I sniffled and examined her.
She doesn’t really care about you; she’s just sick of cleaning up your messes.
I closed my eyes tight to fight away the voices. Vanessa put her hand on my face and purred loudly. I know she cares about me…
You wish!
“She does so!” I said aloud, without meaning to.
“Yes, I do,” Vanessa responded, acting as though she could hear my inner battle. Normally this would upset me, but tonight the timing was perfect. I leaned my head against her chest. She accepted and wrapped me in her arms.
“What should I do?” I sniffled, as I tilted my face to examine hers. Maybe she’d have some bit of wisdom, some great insight that would make everything better.
“Eat something.” She wiped my tears away.
“Eat something?”
“When was the last time you ate?” She lifted a brow. I shrugged, not remembering and not caring to admit that I didn’t remember. “Mashed potatoes?” She got up from the bed, holding her hand out for me to join her. I nodded and got up, taking her hand warily.
“My favorite,” I croaked.
She squeezed my hand and led me to the kitchen. “Then after that we’ll talk about Caden and Mal. Particularly about what their plans were if you were a Lost One.”
“They didn’t say anything about plans. Just that they inform Lost Ones so that they’re less vulnerable to being hoarded.”
“Do you think that informing them, then leaving them to their own devices is a good plan?” She glanced back at me expectantly and then worked her way toward the refrigerator to take out the potatoes.
“Well…no. Not really.” I sat down at the kitchen table, watching her move with the grace that only a feline could conjure.
“Exactly. I’ll go with you in the morning when you talk to them.” She took out a knife and placed it on the table in front of me.
“Wait, who said I was going to talk to them?” I reached for the knife and gripped it tighter than I intended when I heard her statement.
“You said the way they were going about it was a bad plan. So naturally it’s up to you to tell them that.” She took the knife from me and began to peel the potatoes.
“Vanessa! You suggested that it was, not me,” I huffed.
“I merely asked a question, you’re the one who answered.”
I sighed, realizing I had been tricked. Vanessa attempted to hide her mischievous smile from me as she sliced the potatoes. She often had hidden agendas, and I assumed this one was about getting face to face with a semipackless dominant werewolf. Like many werecats, Vanessa was a troublemaker.
Chapter Seven
We took our time, eating in silence as I allowed my thoughts to wander. Vanessa went home for the night after our meal of mashed potatoes and fish sticks. I made my way back to bed, contemplating what we had spoken about. She tricked me into assuming Caden and Mal had a weak plan for helping Breeders, but my guess was that she felt there was something of importance in their story. Something she believed I should explore.
The following morning, Vanessa invaded my shower just as I was rinsing the conditioner out of my hair.
“Hurry up already.”
I gripped the curtain and nearly tore it down again. “Dammit, Vanessa, use the door!”
“Bending is easier.” She snickered and peeked into the shower.
I splashed her with a bit of water in retaliation for her intrusion. She hissed at me before letting go of the curtain.
“Why do you always bend into the most obscure places to find me?” I asked.
“You always seem to be around water, windows, or mirrors.” She snickered. “And doorways are just a given,” Vanessa added.
“Yeah well, one day maybe I’ll learn to bend and appear in your room while you’re entertaining one of your gentleman callers.” I smirked.
“Very funny. Breeders can’t bend.” She pulled the shower curtain back again, and I shrieked, splashing water at her like
crazy.
I finished my shower and dressed quickly for fear of annoying the ever-impatient redhead in my kitchen. I didn’t need her intruding on my shower a third time. The last time she appeared in the room just long enough to crank up the cold water. Such a motivational weretiger. When I emerged, Vanessa was perched on the counter, eating cheesy puffs out of a giant bag and wiping her hands on her favorite green velvet dress.
“You’re going to ruin your dress if you keep it up.” I tied on my worn pair of Chuck Taylors.
“It washes out. You smell nice.” She grinned, and her purring grew louder when I walked into the room.
“Not like wet dog?” I smirked.
“No, but you will after we talk to them.” She scrunched up her nose and hopped off the counter, then washed her cheesy fingers in the sink. I smiled while watching her. For some reason, I always felt more…normal when Vanessa was around and less trapped in my head.
“You’re looking at me funny,” she observed.
“Am not. C’mon let’s go before I chicken out.”
Vanessa followed me to the door, and we walked down the hall to Xany’s apartment. I glanced at Vanessa, who was nearly three inches taller than me, waiting for her to knock. She lifted an expectant eyebrow at me, and I gulped before doing it myself. I wasn’t looking forward to entering Xany’s apartment in general, let alone with a werecat at my side. Wolves and cats just don’t get along at the best of times, and I was worried about inciting some sort of werecreature riot.
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