by Claire Adams
There was a new sense of purpose as I went back to my room and crashed on the bed. Somehow, my embarrassing incident with Cassidy had just motivated me to make a little effort and participate. What was the worst that could happen if I made an effort and participated during my treatment at the facility? I didn’t really see a down side, except maybe lack of sleep from getting up so damn early.
Lunch in the dining room, afternoon group therapy, evening individual therapy – I went to it all. I didn’t always participate, but I made more of an effort than I had since arriving. Even my conversations with Jarrod during my individual therapy were much deeper than they had been before. There was still a wall up around me, but I felt like I was in letting people see a little bit of me.
“Erik, we are doing an AA meeting tonight; why don’t you join us?” Jarrod asked as he gathered up a few of the patients.
“I’m not really into that.”
“You’re not into what?” Jarrod asked.
He wasn’t asking sarcastically; he genuinely seemed to want to hear what I had to say about AA meetings. The truth was, I didn’t know all that much about them. What I thought I knew was that everyone stood up and admitted to being alcoholics and then prayed to God to forgive them. I didn’t have anything against people who went to AA meetings, they obviously had helped a lot of people, but it wasn’t really my thing.
Religion had never been my thing. Well, before my mother passed away we had gone to church, but very infrequently. When Mom was sick, we went almost every Sunday. I prayed for her to get better; my brother and father prayed for her to get better. But God clearly wasn’t listening to our prayers because she died.
After my mother’s death, religion no longer had a place in my life. I didn’t have time to pray to a God that wouldn’t listen to me. I didn’t have the energy to think that someone was going to make things better for me. Instead, I took on the mentality that only I could make life better for myself. I couldn’t count on God, I couldn’t count on my family; the only person I could count on was myself.
“You know, all that religious stuff,” I replied.
“Hey man, I understand. I’m not all that religious either. Why not give it a try and if you don’t like it, you don’t have to come back next time. We only meet a couple times during the week. It’s not a required meeting, so you won’t lose points or gain points based on attendance.”
Normally, I would have said no. Hell, even if he had asked me earlier that morning I probably would have said no. But I had spent the whole day participating in groups and meetings and I just figured what could one more meeting hurt? I was on a roll and decided to give it a try.
“All right, I’ll come, but I’m just going to chill, if that’s all right.”
“You can participate as much as you want.”
Jarrod seemed pretty proud of himself for luring me into coming to his AA meeting. I wanted to tell him not to get so damn excited; I wouldn’t be coming to any others, but I decided to just sit quietly and see what happened. He was a good guy who clearly wanted to help me.
“Hey, everyone, I hope your night is going well,” Stan said as he got up and started the meeting.
It was a bit of a shocker to see Jarrod sitting in the seats and Stan up front leading, but I just went with the flow. I didn’t know what to expect at one of these meetings.
“I’m Stan. I’m and alcoholic, it’s been twenty-eight days since I had a drink,” Stan continued on.
“Hi, Stan,” the group said in unison.
“Tonight I wanted to talk about a phone call I had with my daughter. It went really poorly. That’s putting it lightly. Actually, she cried and screamed and told me I was a horrible father to her during her entire life.”
Stan looked down for a moment to compose himself. I hadn’t seen much emotion at all from the man since I had been on the unit with him. He normally kept pretty much to himself and didn’t interact much more than the usual pleasantries. I felt bad that his daughter would say such horrible things to her own father.
“You know the part about the call that hurt me the most though?” Stan said as he looked back up at the group. “She was right. Every single word she said was exactly right. When she was young, I was on tour. I barely stopped back at home. My wife, well my ex-wife, finally got sick of it and left me.
“But she was damn good to me. Anytime I was in town, my ex offered to let me have Rosie. She would even bring Rosie to my tour bus when I was close to town. But I couldn’t be bothered by a little girl. I was rotten.”
“You’re a good man, Stan,” Kimber yelled out. “We know you mean well.”
“Thanks, Kimber, but is meaning well and doing well actually the same thing? I’ve been off the road for five years now. I drink more than I eat. I never go to my daughter’s house and visit with her. I’m a grandfather, you know. But I wouldn’t trust myself around little children. I’m useless, and I don’t want to be like that.
“I want to be the kind of grandpa that the kids beg to come see. I want to offer to watch her children for a weekend and let her and her husband have some time together. I’m not here just for me this time. I’m going to get sober because I want to be remembered for doing something better than playing the damn drums.” Stan was starting to tear up. “Well, I guess that’s all I had to say. Thanks for listening.”
“Thanks for sharing, Stan,” Jarrod said as he stood up and patted Stan on the back.
I was moved by Stan’s story. He seemed to really care about his daughter now and I couldn’t help but hope they would work things out. I had noticed that everyone was really supportive in all of my group sessions. It was a new thing for me, and I wasn’t sure how I felt about it just yet, but I could see how that support was helping others.
“Does anyone else have anything to share?” Jarrod asked the group.
“My last boyfriend hit me. I don’t care that my current boyfriend doesn’t have a job and is old. I feel safe with him,” Kimber said as she stood up.
Everyone froze and looked at her in shock as they waited for her to elaborate or ask a question. But she didn’t say anything else and just sat back down.
“Thanks for sharing, Kimber.”
I saw Jarrod look toward me, and I avoided his gaze almost instantly. I didn’t have a thing to share at all. I wasn’t going to spill my personal business there in a group with a bunch of addicts. Sure, I had attended the other groups throughout the day, but they had asked questions about sobriety, support systems, and making plans for the future. We hadn’t shared our fears or hopes and certainly nothing as personal as what Stan and Kimber had shared.
A few other people shared their stories as I sat quietly and listened. It was brave of them to reach out to others, but I didn’t need that in my life. I was simply at the rehab facility so I could relax and refocus before going into the movie business. I didn’t need all the sharing and mumbo jumbo. I knew myself and I knew how to move forward.
Drugs and alcohol had been fun, but I could give them up. Hell, I had even gone through some bad withdrawals when I arrived, so surely I wasn’t going to start back up with that stuff when I got home. I was pretty positive that I wasn’t going to have any trouble staying sober when I finally left the facility.
As the meeting ended, I snuck out the back and tried to make it back to my room before Jarrod saw me. I knew he was going to want to ask me how I liked the meeting and I didn’t want to have to lie to him. It was uncomfortable. The truth about the AA meeting was that everything in there made me uncomfortable.
I didn’t like the way everyone answered things in unison; it felt like some sort of cult. I didn’t like what I felt was over-sharing when people stood up and talked about their personal life. AA meetings seemed even more intimate than regular group sessions.
The only thing I could say that I liked about the AA meeting was that there was a lot less God and preaching in it than I had expected. The other observation I had was that the meetings seemed to be helpful
to others.
“You look like you’ve had a good day,” Kaitlin said from the nurses’ station as she buzzed me back onto the unit.
“It was better than I expected.”
“A couple more days of this and you’ll be in a room with a door,” she said dramatically.
“I can’t wait.”
“Yeah, it’s always nice to have a little privacy. If you want some snacks, there’s fruit out there. Otherwise, nothing much going on this evening. I’ll just be over here trying to stay awake.”
“Yeah, why are you working so late tonight?” I asked as I tried to hold a normal conversation.
It was surprisingly hard for me to have a decent conversation while at Paradise Peak. I was out of my element and everything I said seemed to sound ridiculously nerdy to me. There certainly wasn’t a way to act cool when you were in a rehab center. It was also hard for me to talk to people I didn’t know without alcohol in my system, that was something I had to get used to again.
“Susan’s brother died,” Kaitlin said. “Really sad. I guess it was sudden and unexpected.”
“That is sad. I’m sorry.”
“We all die eventually. Make sure you’re keeping in touch with your loved ones. Sooner or later, they will be gone. You don’t want to have any remorse about that.”
“Very true,” I said and quickly made my way back to my room.
Her words had hit me when I was vulnerable. I had just spent the entire day in and out of groups and therapy. My emotions were raw. I couldn’t help but think about what I would feel if I lost my brother or my father. We fought and were angry with each other, but I would be sad if they died. I would be crushed if I never had the opportunity to see them again. I wasn’t sure they would feel as bad if I died, but I knew in that moment that I was going to have to reach out to them, even if it was only for my own personal wellbeing.
Chapter 9
Cassidy
I did everything in my power to avoid Erik for the rest of the day after our incident in the craft closet. His touch had felt like velvet on my skin. My hips had thrust toward him in an instinctual urge to have him pull me closer. It had been a very long time since I had felt such physical attraction, and I certainly couldn’t remember a man coming straight out and telling me I was beautiful.
But it was all for nothing. I wasn’t going to let things go any further than they already had. I was happy he wasn’t angry with me and really proud that he was up and participating in programming again, but that was it. Nothing more.
Nothing about the moment was right, at least it wasn’t right for a treatment facility. I wasn’t even sure I liked the guy as a human being yet; he was really an ass at times. But there was no denying that the sexual chemistry between the two of us was off the charts. Simply having his hand on me literally made my knees go weak.
I could fantasize a little about him, no harm could come from that. But nothing more than fantasies would ever happen between us. I would make sure of that. Or at least, I would try my hardest. But as I left work and headed home, my mind was swirling with idea of what kind of lover he was. I imagined his lips against mine and how that would make me feel. I couldn’t stop thinking about him.
By the time I got home, all I could think about was Erik. I thought about his smile, the way he had called me beautiful, and I tried to analyze everything he said and did to see what it was he was trying to get from me.
That’s what addicts did: they used their charms to get what they wanted. I knew addicts well. I had been one, after all. I wanted to believe Erik was playing some sort of game with me, but I couldn’t come up with anything I could offer the man that would be reason enough for him to give me such a compliment.
I wasn’t in charge of anything at the treatment facility. In fact, I was lower on the totem pole than even the janitor was; at least the janitor had keys to every room. I had to get buzzed on and off the secured unit. To be honest, Erik probably had a better chance of getting what he wanted without even talking to me. He was paying cash for his stay, which was a valuable commodity in our industry.
Could it be possible that he actually thinks I am beautiful? I wondered. I didn’t see how a guy like him would even see beauty in a girl like me. I was rough around the edges, nothing polished or fake on me. My boobs were decent sized, but not fake and large like the women in California. I had a slim waist, but my ass was voluptuous, there was no denying it and I couldn’t hide; especially because I loathed working out so much. I stood in front of my mirror and looked at myself. I wasn’t hideous, but I wasn’t a model, either. I suspected a guy like Erik was use to dating models and celebrities.
“Cassidy, dinner is ready,” my mother hollered from the stairs.
I liked living at home. I knew to some people it seemed like I had failed because I was back at home with my parents, but for me, it was right. I needed their love around me as I recovered and got myself back on track. I certainly hadn’t expected to stay at home for as long as I had, but until something better came up, I was perfectly happy right where I was.
My parents were good to me, and I couldn’t imagine that I would be leaving their house anytime soon. Probably not until I found a college to go to – if a college actually took me into one of their programs.
“There’s my girl,” my father said as I sat down at the table. “How was your work at that place today? Are you ready to throw in the towel and come work the slopes? Christmas season sure is a busy one this year.”
“Oh, I almost forgot to tell you guys, I hiked up the ridge with some patients the other day. It was so beautiful up there. That path sure did look good, Dad. I know you worked really hard on it.”
“You hiked?” my mother asked.
The look on her face made it seem like I never did anything physical at all. Sure, I only liked to walk on the treadmill at the gym – and I hardly ever actually got to the gym. But I wasn’t disabled; I did have the ability to walk. She didn’t have to look at me like I had suddenly turned green or something.
“Yes, Mom. I actually moved my legs and walked,” I teased her.
“Thanks for telling me, honey. I wasn’t sure anyone was going to use the trail in the winter. But I decided to scoop the snow out of the way anyways, just in case.”
“It was perfect, Dad. The path was all clear and because we had a few warm days, even the residue snow had melted off the trail. It was a beautiful hike.”
“Are you going to turn into one of those fitness junkies who eat kale and workout all the time?” Mom asked.
“I don’t think so, but would that be all that horrible? At least I’d be healthy for a change.”
I knew my mother and father were just worried about me. I had spent so many years lying to them about where I was going and what I was doing that it was hard for them to transition into actually trusting me. I didn’t blame them, though. I had set up our relationship with a lack of trust and it was my responsibility to earn it back.
“So what’s new at work, dear?” my mom asked as we ate.
“There’s a patient that I think I helped today,” I said.
“Well, that’s good. Tell me about it.”
I loved that my parents seemed genuinely interested in what I did with my day. My father certainly didn’t want me to keep working at the rehab facility, but even he could put on a supportive face while we had dinner together as a family.
Sometimes it really baffled me as to why I had thought my life was so horrible when I started drinking and partying all the time. I could still remember telling friends that my parents were equivalent to Nazi guards. The memory made me cringe as it passed through my head. My parents had only been worried about me and wanted the best for me. They had put a curfew on me if I was to stay in their home and I had called them Nazis. It wasn’t the proudest moment in my life, that was for sure.
“He wasn’t coming to groups or doing pretty much anything at all. I think he was depressed. But today I got him to come to a group and he even
made a collage for his mother who passed away. I think it was a lot of progress for him.”
“You are such a sweet girl, honey,” my mother said.
“I hope those people appreciate all that you do for them,” my father replied grumpily.
“Dad, I get paid to work there; isn’t that enough?”
“People should show appreciation for others, though. They better be nice to you or they’ll have your angry papa bear hunting them down.”
My father had a dry sense of humor, but my mother and I appreciated it. Sometimes other people thought he was being serious, though, and that was embarrassing. I hated when he would make a joke and someone would just stare blankly at him, but my mother seemed to be used to it and didn’t even tell people when he was joking.
I decided not to mention the part of my story where I yelled at the patient and berated him before he decided to show up to group. Or the part where I lied to him and said I was leading the group when I was really just sitting at a table in the back.
I also left out the part of the story where the incredibly handsome patient told me I was beautiful and leaned in so close to me that I thought he was actually going to kiss me. My parents didn’t need to know those parts of the story.
When I finally got to bed that night, it felt like I had only just closed my eyes when my alarm went off. I had to work early that morning because the other tech was going to a doctor’s appointment, or dentist, or something; I wasn’t sure and I couldn’t keep all of his stories straight.
“Good morning,” I said to Kaitlin when I arrived.
I had totally forgotten that she was working the overnight shift. It was always more fun to get the shift notes from Kaitlin than any of the other nurses. She told me the truth about how people were doing and didn’t sugarcoat it like Susan did.
“I’m so tired. I think I might just fall asleep right….” Her head fell into her hands and she dramatically snored like she was sleeping.