by C. E. Wilson
Verity’s face.
For the past two days and two nights, she had changed. She was only a shell of herself. Sure, she would talk to me, but her words seemed forced, automatic, as though she was reading from a script on how to keep me happy. I didn’t like it, but I was too concerned about Mauve’s arrival even to want to get into things with Verity. Once things were settled with Mauve, I would be able to think more clearly about what to do with Verity. I could tell her she was free and I was letting her go. I could give her a chance to finally find that warm place to relax and hide for the rest of her days, free from giant monsters like me and all those who had hurt her.
I could signal Janet and explain the Verity situation to her. Explain her tragic past and current woes. Maybe she wouldn’t turn her in, and maybe she and Verity could figure out some way to change the way the government worked. Maybe.
And then the last option…if Verity truly felt as though she had no place to go and no one else to trust, I would ask Mauve to accept her as one of our own. It would be a strange, awkward relationship at first, and Verity would have to spend the rest of her life hidden, but she would always have me and know I would always keep her safe. At least, that was what I hoped Verity thought I could provide. With many months left of my sentence, I was sure I could convince her that Mauve was a good person as well.
“Where do you want me to go when she arrives?” Verity’s voice came again.
I looked away from the amazing watercolor piece of Mauve and down at her to find myself looking at the face of a broken girl. She was asking the right thing, the best thing, but sadness remained in her voice. Couldn’t she see how good this was for me? How good this might be for both of us?
“I know she won’t be looking for me, so I guess I don’t need to hide as well…”
“You don’t need to sit in a cabinet,” I said, hoping she would smile. My small gesture was about as well received as I could have hoped for. “Do you want to go outside for a while?”
Her face contorted. “You want me to leave?”
“No!” I blurted, surprised that she would come to that conclusion. “I thought that…I mean, I trust you, and—”
“You mean you want privacy with her,” Verity said. She didn’t pout, but she might as well have. Why did she have to weaken my resolve so easily? This girl! She had rejected me, and Mauve was coming back to me. Surely she could see that it was no longer a competition. Verity didn’t want me. A realistic future couldn’t happen between us. She’d never be anything but a tiny, little, pink-haired doll. And Mauve was a woman. All woman. She was my everything, and I had felt so lost without her.
I cleared my throat. She wasn’t wrong; I did want privacy with Mauve—in case things got a little… physical. I didn’t want Verity to see that, even though she had rejected me. If Mauve wanted to go in that direction, I certainly didn’t want to falter because of Verity.
“I mean, you understand, don’t you?” I asked softly. “Just in case? I mean—”
“I understand, Malcolm. You don’t have to explain it to me. You love her. Of course you want some privacy. And you would have it…if it wasn’t for me.”
“It’s not like that, Verity,” I said. “It’s only a few hours. It’ll give you a chance to explore… but you have to be careful that no one sees you.” My face grew worried at the idea. Did I really want her going out so I could have some moments of true intimacy with Mauve? Was I really risking Verity’s life and exposure for my own selfish needs? I swallowed. “Don’t go too far, though. Stay close enough that you’ll remember how to get back.”
She swallowed. “Yeah,” she muttered. “I can do that. I’ll come back after her boat departs.”
“Only if you want to,” I said before I could stop myself. “I mean—”
“Do you want me gone?”
“I don’t, but I’m saying, Verity. You have the option.”
She looked stung. I hadn’t meant it like that. I simply wanted to say that if she wanted to get away from me forever because I had taken advantage of her kindness the past two days, I wouldn’t be angry with her. However, she thought I was kicking her out.
“I want you to come back,” I said. “Once her boat leaves. I want you to come back, okay? I at least want to talk to you about—” I stopped myself. I wasn’t stupid enough to think Verity wanted to talk about that. As usual, Verity took my words with cold, distant understanding and nodded.
“I’ll be back when I can,” she said.
“Do you have any idea what you’re going to do for the next few hours?”
“I don’t, but I’ll figure something out.”
“Yeah? Oh…uh, good,” I said. Why was talking with her suddenly so awkward? Why did this particular parting feel like a good-bye? “Verity, like I said before, what Mauve and I have—”
“Is special,” she interrupted. “I remember. She’s special to you.” She nodded again and walked to the edge of the table and started beating her wings. “I need you to open the door, okay?”
“And you’ll come back?” I asked hesitantly, hating myself for asking her. I had no right to ask her to stay. If she had wanted to leave right then, maybe I would have let her, but I wasn’t ready to let her go completely. “You’ll come back in a few hours, won’t you?”
She nodded. “I’ll come back when you’re done seeing her,” she said. “I wish you luck though, Malcolm. With everything. I hope you get what you’re looking for.”
“I think I will,” I said, standing up and going to the door. I opened it slowly and looked around. No sign of Flynn. I motioned for Verity to follow, and we quickly went around to the side of the house that was hidden from Flynn’s view. I stuffed my hands into my jean pockets and willed myself not to beg her to stay. I was changing my mind. Sending her away, even temporarily, felt too much like good-bye… but I didn’t want her there when Mauve was there. Why couldn’t I think straight?
“You’ve been so helpful with everything the fast few days,” I said. “Thanks.”
“No problem,” Verity said in that cool tone. “Like I said, I want you to be happy. And if she makes you happy—”
“There can be more than one thing that makes me happy, Verity. Don’t pigeonhole me like that. What I’m trying to say is… you’re…” My eyes finally lifted to meet hers. “You’re pretty fucking amazing. One of the strongest people I know.”
She looked away. “I’m happy to know that. Thank you.”
Her words should have made me happy, but I only sank deeper into my indecisiveness. I tried to make things as clear as I could. With Mauve, I had a future, a chance to get back into society and live a normal life. I couldn’t have that with Verity, and even if I could, she didn’t want me anyway, but I still wanted to be there for her.
“I’ll look for you after she leaves,” I said.
“I’m sure you will,” she said. Her voice cracked.
No. No, goddammit. “You’re not cry—”
“Good luck!” she called, zipping over my head and out of sight. I couldn’t even call for her because I didn’t want to draw any attention from Flynn. I could only watch her soar unsteadily out of sight. She was crying. I had made her cry again. What was the matter with me? I shouldn’t have let her go. She could have waited there. I could have set her up in the bushes with some sort of shelter… but no! I’d cast her away, and she was crying. She might never come back. I didn’t know. The idea of losing her finally settled upon me now that I was alone again for the first time in a month.
I ran a frustrated hand through my hair and looked back toward my house. A horn sounded in the distance. The boat was coming. My Mauve was coming. I’d been waiting to see her again for what felt like forever. I had been waiting to see Mauve again for over two years!
So…I reached up and touched my eye…why were my eyes watering?
Why wasn’t seeing the love of my life again making me happy?
***
“You look…” I struggled to find the wo
rds as I took in the woman standing in front of me. The Mauve standing in front of me wasn’t the woman I remembered.
She was better.
Gone were the bright-red highlights, replaced by a short pixie cut with bangs that swept across her beautiful eyes. I couldn’t detect even the slightest trace of bloodshot veins in her eyes. She was clean. It had been a long time since I had seen her like that. So alert. So soft. I fell in love with her all over again. Even her clothing was more demure. Instead of a miniskirt, she wore dark jeans with a flowing top and a thick pea coat covering. I finally understood why she wanted to talk to me face-to-face. She needed me to see how much she had changed, how much better she was.
“Are you going to let me in?” she asked finally when I wouldn’t stop staring at her with my mouth hanging open.
Looking sheepish, I opened the door wide enough that she could come inside, and I closed it behind me. “I know it’s not much…”
“It’s fine,” Mauve said, looking around. “Seems like you’re doing okay here.”
“As well as I can hope.” I inched forward, hoping to wrap her up in my arms and kiss her passionately. I wanted to hear her say that she had forgiven me, but after one step she turned around quickly and her face changed.
“Maybe we should sit down,” she offered.
“Sure thing.” I motioned toward the comfier of my two chairs. I picked up Verity’s blanket and tossed it aside on my bed and dusted off the cushion. “Here,” I said. I smiled as she took my gentlemanly gesture and seated herself, crossing her legs. “Can I take your coat?”
“No, that’s all right,” she said, tugging it closer around her body. “I don’t know how long I’m going to stay.”
“You can stay as long as you like. Well, at least until visiting hours are over.”
“It won’t take that long,” Mauve said.
I tried to find some hidden message in her voice, but I couldn’t detect anything. Where was the hint of sexiness in her voice that would drive me wild even if she simply told me to pick up milk on the way home? That day, her voice was cool…even. Honestly, Mauve’s voice didn’t sound that much different than Verity’s.
Verity. I wondered what she was doing.
No. Not time for that.
I took a seat in the chair near my table and leaned toward Mauve. My Mauve. “You look good,” I couldn’t help saying. “Different, but still good.”
She smiled shyly and tucked a piece of that short pixie hair away from her eyes. “Yes. A lot of things have changed for me. It was time to grow up, you know? After what happened with Emmett…” she trailed off. “It was the wakeup call I needed to start getting my life in order.”
“It was the same for me,” I said, hoping to find some common ground with her. “I mean, once I get out of here. Everything’s going to be different. I’m different. I’m older now.”
“That’s good to hear, Malcolm. I’m happy for you.”
“I’m happy you’re happy,” I said with a chuckle. I expected her to laugh, but she only looked more nervous, shifting around in the chair and looking around. Was she in a rush or something? I thought she had come here to see me, to tell me everything was okay. However, the unease on her face was something I simply couldn’t ignore. “So what’s going on?” I asked at last. “You said you wanted to talk about us.”
“I didn’t say that,” Mauve corrected me. “There is no ‘us’ anymore, Malcolm. We broke up. I’m not your girlfriend.”
I felt stung. “Yes, but…you said you wanted to talk to me.”
“And I do. That’s why I’m here.” She uncrossed and recrossed her thin legs, and I started to get a sinking feeling. “When that thing happened with Emmett—”
“He died. You don’t have to call it a thing, Mauve. I was there. I know what happened.”
“I know. I’m sorry…I’m regressing.” She shook her head. “Back then, when you and I were together…I was messed up, Malcolm.”
“You were fine—”
“No. I was really messed up. I was in a bad place, and I was dragging you down with me. In fact, I drug you down further than I ever got myself because I never went to prison. I should have. For all the drugs I was doing, all the sex I was having—”
“It was just me when we were together,” I said gently.
Her eye twitched. The hairs on my arm stood at attention.
“It was just me when we were together, wasn’t it?”
“I told you, Malcolm. I was messed up. That’s why I’m here. I want to ask your forgiveness.”
“M-my…my what?” I asked, stunned beyond belief.
“Yes. For everything I did. For everything I put you through. I shouldn’t have had anything to do with you back then because I was in complete chaos. However, I’m not like that anymore. I’m clean now, you see. No drugs. I go to AA meetings and even those for addictions of other kinds. Apparently, I’m a borderline sex addict.” She shrank down in her seat as though that was something to be ashamed of. I didn’t understand where she was going with the extensive explanations about AA and being clean. “I’ve changed. I’m in control of my life—in control of myself. I couldn’t even bring myself to talk to you until I was better. That I wouldn’t try to get you back.”
My eyes widened. So she… “Wait, so you’re not here to get back together?”
Her eyes shot up, bewildered and almost frightened. “What? No! Of course not! Malcolm, I came here to tell you that I’ve found God. He’s helped me find the good in myself and to release all the toxins inside of me that have poisoned me and others around me for years. I’m here to simply ask for your forgiveness. It’s part of my program.”
“Program?” I asked, standing up from my chair. “What the fuck are you talking about?”
“God wouldn’t want you to use those words,” Mauve said. “He will forgive you because He loves you. I hope that you will forgive me for the same reasons, Malcolm. I’m a huge part of the reason you’re here. I know that now, and I know the sins I’ve committed, but I’m a different person now. You were what was holding me back. I need your forgiveness, Malcolm. I want to know that you’ve forgiven me because even as one of God’s children, I made horrible mistakes. I simply want you to know that I realize that now, and I want you to forgive me.”
“Forgive you? God? Mauve…” I lunged toward her and grabbed her shoulders to try to shake her back to reality. Why was she acting like that? That wasn’t her. That wasn’t my Mauve. I felt her tense up as I held her shoulders. Her eyes remained cool and distant. “Baby, of course I forgive you, but I thought you were here because…”
“Because what?”
“I thought you wanted to get back together. I thought you had forgiven me.”
Her face changed slightly but for the most part remained cool. “I have forgiven you,” she said softly. “However, I am not here to dip myself into the same ink that almost ruined me. I have a new man in my life—a follower of God like myself—and he’s helping me to follow the path of righteousness.”
My ears stung at the words. I felt like I would drown in confusion when suddenly it all clicked together. The reason why my parents wanted her to see me. She had come to let me go. She had come to cut me out of her life forever because she saw me as nothing more than a reminder of the part of her life she was trying to forget. I gripped her shoulders tighter and fell to my knees in front of her. I felt so helpless.
Verity. She had warned me about Mauve’s intentions, but like I fool, I’d ignored her.
I made her help prepare for Mauve’s arrival.
I sent her away.
I even told her she didn’t have to come back.
“You can’t…” I croaked as my eyes started to water with frustrated tears. I was so sure she would slap me and tell me to “man up” or “grow a damn pair,” but her eyes only softened as she shrugged her shoulders out of my hands. They fell limply to the floor next to me as I stared up at this softer, holier version of the woman I loved. She
was better than I was now. My eyes welled up as I realized I wasn’t losing her because I’d never really had her since that night at the club. She had kept on living. She had moved on. While I had done everything in my power to hold on to the past.
“So we’re over, then?” I asked thickly.
“Baby, it was over two years ago,” she said softly as she reached up to cup both sides of my face. She smoothed away the tears with her thumbs and took me in with something I never thought I’d see on her face. Pity. “I’ve forgiven you, and I’ve moved on to other things. I thought I owed you some closure. Mark said—”
“Mark?”
“My boyfriend. Mark said I wouldn’t truly be able to move on unless I saw you and made things right—let you know that I’ve forgiven you—and hopefully hear that you’ve forgiven me as well.” Her eyes shone with a light I had never seen before. Her eyes didn’t shine from drugs, booze, sex, or even attention. They shone with self-righteousness and the knowledge that she had a new life in front of her with a man who apparently knew everything she needed. She kept her hands on my face so she could tilt it up to meet hers. “I’ve forgiven you, Malcolm Davenport. I have forgiven you. Do you forgive me?”
I swallowed. I wanted to say no. Maybe if I said no, she would stay a little longer. She could see the paintings I had made for her, the sketches, but she probably didn’t want to see that version of her. As far as Mauve was concerned, that woman was dead. She had died the moment Emmett’s body fell off the balcony. I couldn’t say no because for once, I knew what the right thing to do was.
“I do,” I said, not wanting to sob but choking out the words nonetheless. “Of course I forgive you, Mauve. I love you.”
“As God loves all His children,” she said, leaning down to kiss my forehead. It was such a chaste touch that I shivered. I didn’t know Mauve had a side like that. “I thank you, Malcolm Davenport,” she said, finally taking her hands away from my face. “God will not forget this moment when the time comes for our judgment.” Gently, she pushed me away a few inches so she had room to stand, and I was left there, crouching at her feet like a man looking up at a statue of a goddess. Her smile remained soft as she stepped past me.