by E. L. Todd
“Thanks, Mom.”
“Well, I’ll let you go. I just realized how late it was there.”
Something in my gut told me to keep her on the phone. “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yes, sweetheart.” She breathed into the phone and remained quiet. “I miss you.” Her voice was full of emotion, like her heart would give out.
“I miss you too.”
“I love you so much, Hawke. You’re the best son a mom could ask for.”
I didn’t get emotional very often but those words filled me with warmth. “I love you too, Mom.”
***
The next morning, I headed into the kitchen to make some coffee. I didn’t get any sleep last night and my eyes were practically bloodshot. I’d need some serious caffeine if I were going to get through this day.
“How do you take it?” I asked as I put on the coffee pot.
No response.
I walked to the couch and looked at the scattered blankets and the pillow that fell on the ground. “Axel?” My eyes immediately moved to the bathroom, but the door was wide open. I looked for his bag on the ground but that wasn’t there either.
Shit.
I turned to grab my phone when I noticed the note on the table.
Hawke,
Tell Marie I’m sorry.
***
Francesca answered on the first ring. “Miss me?”
I did, but there wasn’t time for that conversation. “Go somewhere where no one can hear you.”
Instead of asking questions, the phone became muffled as she moved. Then her voice came into the receiver. “What’s up?”
“Can anyone hear you?”
“I’m at the end of the hallway by the stairs. Marie is in the apartment. What’s up, Hawke?”
It was a long shot but I had to ask. “Is Axel there? Have you seen him today?”
“No… Why?”
I didn’t want to bring her into this, but I needed help. “Axel took off.”
“As in…he went out for coffee?” There was hope in her voice, but also doubt.
“No. He left, Francesca. He left a note on the table.”
Now she started to panic. “What did it say? Tell me word for word.”
“He said tell Marie I’m sorry.”
“Oh my god.” She gasped into the phone. “What the hell is he thinking?”
“I don’t have a clue.”
“This is just so…unexpected. He loves Marie.”
I rubbed the back of my neck. “I knew something was bothering him last night.”
“I did too,” she said. “But I thought he just ate something bad.”
“Francesca, I don’t know what to do.”
“Did you call him?”
“His phone is off.”
“That piece of shit,” she hissed. “Hawke, you have to find him.”
“I don’t even know where to look. He might be on a plane to Tuscany for all I know.”
She sighed into the phone. “I’m not letting him do this to Marie. And I’m not letting Axel make the biggest mistake of his life.”
“Then what do we do?”
“I’ll stall Marie as much as I can while you find him.”
I rubbed my temple. “I don’t even know where to look.”
“Check all his regular places, like bars and restaurants. If he’s not there, check his office and his gym.”
“You really think he’d run out on his wedding day and hit the gym?” Now wasn’t the time to be sarcastic but I was too stressed to filter my words.
“Just check,” she snapped. “And let me know when you do.”
***
I checked every place I could think of, and like I expected, he was nowhere in sight. If I were going to run for it, I’d be on a plane somewhere beautiful. I wouldn’t stay in town and risk the possibility of being found.
We were running out of time, and the fear was turning into pure panic. I didn’t know why Axel took off, but I knew it wasn’t because he stopped loving Marie. He loved that woman more than anything on the planet. I couldn’t let him throw his relationship away. A girl could forgive a man for a lot of things, but leaving her at the alter in front of her friends and family was not one of them.
Francesca called me. “Please tell me you found him.”
I sighed in response.
“Goddammit, Axel.”
“I’m sorry. I looked everywhere.”
“Okay, what did he say to you? What was the last thing he said? Think, Hawke.”
“I told him it was okay to be scared of marriage. It’s common.”
“Why the hell would you say that?”
“Because I knew something was bothering him,” I snapped. “I was trying to make him feel better.”
“Whatever,” she said. “What did he say to that?”
“He said he wasn’t afraid of marriage then he got into the shower.”
“What?” she asked in surprise. “He said he wasn’t afraid of marriage?”
“Yeah.”
“You’re sure?”
“I know what I heard, Francesca.” Butting heads with her would get me nowhere but the frustration was getting to me.
“Now this makes even less sense.”
“I know.” I tried to think of somewhere else he would be, and I had a strong suspicion he was over the Atlantic Ocean by now. “We aren’t going to find him in time. You need to tell Marie.”
“No. We have a few hours.”
“Even if I find him, I’m going to need a few hours just to convince him he’s making a mistake. If he left Marie like this, he’s probably set in his decision.”
“Keep looking.”
“Where?” I demanded. “If his phone was on, I could have a friend trace it but that’s not an option.”
Francesca was silent on the phone. She was probably pacing in the hallway. “Marie is about to put her dress on. I can’t let her put it on then watch her take it off while she’s in tears.”
I didn’t want that for her either. “We’re out of options.”
Francesca continued pacing. “Wait…I think I have an idea.”
I already didn’t have much faith in it. “What?”
“Go to my shop.”
“Why?” I asked. “You want me to bring you some muffins?”
“No,” she hissed. “I bet Axel is hiding there, in my office.”
“Why?”
“Because that’s the one place we wouldn’t look.”
I highly doubted that. “I don’t know…”
“He has a key to get inside. I bet he’s there.”
“Uh…”
“Hawke, just check. If he’s not there…then I’ll tell Marie.”
Axel better be there. Otherwise, this was going to be the worst day of Marie’s life…and Francesca’s. “Okay.”
***
I headed into the back of the shop and passed the workers. They recognized me so they didn’t question why I was there when Francesca wasn’t. If they did ask, I would say she left something behind for the cake.
I’d never been to Francesca’s office but I found it easily. The door was closed so I opened it without knocking. Unable to believe my eyes, I froze on the spot. Just as Francesca predicted, Axel was sitting in the chair behind the desk looking like hell.
He stared at me with equal surprise.
Now that I was face-to-face with him, I didn’t know what to say. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it so he couldn’t make a run for it.
Axel covered his face and sighed. “How did you find me?”
“Francesca.”
“That brat.”
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Axel, what the hell are you doing? You’re getting married in two hours.”
“I’m not getting married.” He lowered his hands and rested them against his lips.
“Why the hell not?” I moved to the chair facing the desk because it was clear he wasn’t going to take off. “You were so ex
cited about it last week. Don’t get scared, Axel. You love Marie, and she loves you.”
“Of course I love her.” He stared at the surface of the table and didn’t meet my gaze.
“Then don’t let the fear scare you off. Marriage is a big commitment, but it’s a good kind of commitment. You get to spend the rest of your life with the one woman you love.” It wasn’t easy for me to spit out mushy shit like this, but I was doing it for him. “I know this is what you want. You want to be with her forever. I’ve seen you with her, Axel. Even if you never said you loved her, it’s obvious—to the world.”
“Shut up.”
My eyes narrowed on his face, and I felt my hands form fists. If he said that to me under a different circumstance, he’d have a bloody lip. But since the situation was so tense, I let it slide. “Excuse me?”
“I told you I loved her. That’s not the problem.”
“Then what the hell is?” I snapped. “What could possibly make you run out on Marie on her wedding day? You’re going to break her heart and no one will ever put it back together.”
He kept his knuckles against his lips.
“Talk to me.”
“It’s…hard to say out loud.”
I had no idea what he was referring to. What could possibly be weighing on him? If the commitment wasn’t holding him back, and love wasn’t an issue, what could it be? “It’s me, Axel. You can tell me anything.”
He covered his face again then slowly lowered his hands. He released a deep sigh before he spoke. “I cheated on Marie.”
What?
Holy shit.
Did he really just say that?
I stared at him blankly because I couldn’t believe it. He was head-over-heels for Marie. Why would he sneak around? “You cheated on her?”
He closed his eyes in shame. “Yeah.”
I leaned back in the chair and rested my chin on my knuckles, unable to believe this. This was the last thing I expected him to say.
“I can’t marry her. I don’t deserve her.”
I wish I could say otherwise but I couldn’t. A lot of things were forgivable but cheating wasn’t one of them. And I knew Marie wouldn’t turn her cheek and let it slide. I would judge her if she did. “You should have said something to her before…not waited until your wedding day.”
“I know.” He rubbed his temple. “I thought I could just forget about it and move on but…the guilt has been killing me. I hate myself, Hawke. I really do. I wish I could take it back.”
I do too.
“I’m not marrying her. I’m not going to even speak to her…because I don’t deserve to.”
This was how it ended? The couple I believed in most called it quits? Axel, a man I thought was madly in love, betrayed the one person he cared most about. It actually broke my heart a little bit. “What happened? Were you drunk?” That was the only scenario I could think of.
“Yeah…really drunk.”
It didn’t justify his behavior but at least it was better than him purposely having an affair. I didn’t know what to say so I sat there in silence.
Axel continued to rub his temple.
“Did you sleep with her just one time?”
“Sleep with her?” he asked. “I didn’t sleep with her.”
Both of my eyebrows shot up. “Come again?”
“I didn’t sleep with her.” He rested his hands on the desk.
“Then what did you do?”
“We made out for a few minutes. Then I realized how stupid I was being and I left.”
This changed everything. “So, you just kissed someone?”
“What do you mean just kissed someone?” he asked. “Cheating is cheating.”
“What else happened?” I asked. “When did this go down?”
“About two years ago.”
This was getting even more confusing. “Two years ago?”
“Yeah, it was when Marie and I were first getting together. We got into a bad fight and I stormed off and went to a bar. I was pissed at Marie so I did something really stupid.”
This changed everything. “When you guys first got together? Didn’t that take months to happen?”
“Yeah. We weren’t in a relationship but we were still seeing each other…I still fucked up.”
“Axel, hold on. You didn’t cheat on her.”
“I made out with some chick that wasn’t her,” he said with a deadpan voice. “Yes, it was cheating.”
“But she wasn’t even your girlfriend.”
“Not officially, no.”
“Then you didn’t do anything wrong.”
“I still never told her about it.”
“And you think today is the best day to spill the beans?” I asked incredulously. “Marie wouldn’t leave you for that. It happened two years ago and you weren’t even together yet. You weren’t the same person then as you are now. Axel, it’s irrelevant.”
“Can I really marry her and never tell her?” he asked. “I don’t think I can.”
“You’re just going to ruin the day by telling her.”
“What if I marry her then tell her and she never forgives me?” he asked. “Wouldn’t that be worse?”
“Why tell her at all?” I asked. “She would forgive you if she knew. It’s not even worth talking about. It was so long ago.”
Axel shook his head slightly.
“Axel, don’t run out on Marie because of that. We all know you love her.”
“I do,” he said sadly.
“Then let’s get you ready for the ceremony.”
He didn’t move from his chair.
“Axel, come on.”
He bowed his head. “Hawke, I have to tell her. I don’t want this marriage to be her biggest regret.”
It wasn’t a good idea but it was the only way I could stop him from running. “Okay.”
***
Francesca opened the door wearing her deep purple bridesmaid dress. It was strapless and showed her toned and rounded shoulders. Her brown hair was in a pretty updo. She looked beautiful, to say the least.
She spotted Axel beside me. “Oh, thank god. You found him.”
“He was at the bakery.”
“Thank goodness.” She clutched her heart. “What are you guys doing here? You aren’t even dressed.”
“Is Marie here?” Axel’s voice came out broken.
“Yeah,” Francesca said. “She just put on her dress. Why?”
“I need to talk to her.” The tone of his voice implied it wasn’t good.
Francesca shut the door behind her. “Axel, you aren’t leaving her. You’re just being ridiculous right now—”
“I’m not leaving her,” he said quietly. “But I need to tell her something.”
Francesca turned to me for guidance.
I just nodded.
“Well, you can’t see her,” Francesca said. “She’s already in her gown.”
“I don’t need to see her,” Axel said. “She just needs to be able to hear me.”
“Okay…” Francesca couldn’t hide the panic in her eyes.
“Does she have a changing divider?” I asked.
“Yeah,” Francesca said.
“They can use that.” It was thin enough that they wouldn’t have to yell to be heard, but it was thick enough so they couldn’t see each other.
“Okay. Hold on.” Francesca walked back inside.
I turned to Axel. “Are you sure you want to do this?”
He nodded. “I have to. What would you do if you were in my shoes?”
“I wouldn’t have made out with some girl to begin with.”
He didn’t laugh.
When I thought about it, I knew I would do the same thing. I wouldn’t be able to lie to Francesca. “I would do the same thing.”
Axel didn’t gloat when I agreed with him.
“Okay, she’s ready.” Francesca opened the door and ushered us inside.
Axel slowly approached the tan and white changing divider, his hands
in his pockets. He stopped in front of the wood and stared at it even though he couldn’t see Marie.
Francesca and I stayed near the door, able to see and hear everything.
“Axel?” Marie’s voice was full of emotion. Fear hung with every word. “You’re scaring me. What’s wrong?”
“There’s something I need to tell you,” he said quietly. “I couldn’t let you marry me unless you knew the truth. For what it’s worth, I really do love you. I’ve never loved anyone so much in my entire life. I’m not the same man I used to be. You’ve made me into a better person, a better version of myself I never thought was possible. It’s because of you that I’m so happy. It’s because of you that I’m whole.”
Marie’s voice came out weak. “What is it?”
“I did something stupid. I wish I could take it back.”
Marie’s deep breathing echoed in the room.
“Two years ago, you and I got into that big fight at the house. You told me we shouldn’t see each other anymore, and I agreed…because I couldn’t give you what you deserved. I went out that night and got drunk then kissed some girl. I’m so sorry.”
Marie didn’t say anything for a long time. “Did you sleep with her?”
“No, I just kissed her. It went on for a few minutes before I realized what I was doing and left.”
Marie said nothing.
“Marie, I’m so sorry. I was stupid and reckless. I’ve felt guilty ever since and I knew I needed to tell you before you made a mistake. We both know I don’t deserve you. We both know you’re too good for me. If you don’t want to marry me anymore, I completely understand.” Axel breathed deeply then blinked his eyes like he was trying to fight the incoming tears. He was scared, and I’d never seen him scared before.
“Close your eyes.”
Axel stared at the ground. “What?”
“Close your eyes,” Marie repeated.
Axel continued to stare at nothing before he did as she asked.
“Are your eyes closed?” she whispered.
“Yes,” he answered.
Marie came around the divider, holding up the bottom of her gown. She looked like a princess covered in jewels. Her hair was in big curls, and her make up made her eyes look bigger than they really were.
Axel didn’t open his eyes.
Marie stopped in front of him and stared, emotion written all over her face. Then she wrapped her arms around his neck and pressed her mouth against his. She gave him a slow kiss, just using her lips.