Being optimistic, he’d turned the heat on a couple of hours ago to take the chill out of the air. The apartment was pretty bare-bones—he winced at that description. Livable, though, with a double bed, dresser, small table and pair of chairs. He had gone so far as to stock the kitchenette with extra dishes and pans and even a minimum of silverware from the house.
“It was unfinished up here when I bought the house,” he said, looking around.
“Have you ever rented it out?”
Colin shook his head. “No. I guess, in the back of my mind, I thought...”
Understanding softened Nell’s face. “That Cait might want to come home.”
Startled, he turned his head to meet her eyes. There wasn’t another person alive who could have guessed why creating this apartment had mattered to him. He’d revealed one hell of a lot of himself to her, and she’d done some reading between the lines, too.
“Yeah,” he admitted. “At least I thought I should have someplace for her, if she ever needed me.”
That sounded asinine even to him. By the time he had bought this house and had the dormer added and the apartment finished, his sister had been twenty-four years old. An adult. Long past thinking of her big brother as a refuge, assuming she ever had. He’d held on to his delusion too long, he thought now—and not for the first time. But today, his chest had lightened at the idea of Nell staying here. At being able to look out his bedroom window at night and see a light up here.
At being able to provide her with a refuge.
“If you really mean your offer...” Nell’s brown eyes shimmered as if tears threatened.
“I do. I’d be happiest if you would.”
She took a big breath and swallowed. “Then I’d love to. I’ll try not to...to lean on you too much, but knowing you’re there makes me feel a lot less scared.”
“I’m the one who talked you into taking a chance and coming home.” He let the leash he’d been keeping on his intensity slide, hoping it wouldn’t scare her. “I’m asking you to let me support you. Having you here...” He shook his head, unable to find adequate words. “It’s amazing.” He sounded a little hoarse. “The fact that you trust me, that means a lot to me, Nell.” Enough already. Ease up, he told himself. He tried for a friendly smile. “I’d like it if you’d have dinner with me. I already have some chicken marinating—I didn’t figure a restaurant would appeal much.”
“No.” While tremulous, her smile was real. “I don’t want to be recognized until I’ve seen my parents, at least. And since you recognized me so easily, other people probably will, too.”
“You’d be likeliest to catch your parents home in the evening,” he pointed out.
She nodded. “I thought...tonight. I’m here. It would be silly to hide out for the next twenty-four hours.”
Colin smiled at her. “Will you let me come with you?”
“A truly gutsy woman would say no.” Even her eyes smiled this time. “Me, I’d be grateful if you would.”
“Good.” He backed onto the landing. “Let me haul your bags up.”
“Oh, I can...”
“Settle in,” he told her. “You’ll need to look around and tell me what I forgot. Maybe take a nap.”
“I can plan my strategy.”
“You can do that, too.”
A minute later, when she popped the rear door to her hatchback, he reached for the larger of the two suitcases.
Elation rose from the incredulity.
Maddie Dubeau was home.
CHAPTER FIVE
NELL KNEW THE house, as she’d known the faces of her parents when she saw them online. This was one of the gracious, older homes right on the river, lawn sweeping down to the rocky bank. Even shrouded by darkness, she knew it was painted white with dignified black trim, and that a huge old weeping willow hung over the murmuring water of the Deschutes. Her father had already strung the Christmas lights, sparkling white. Their Christmas tree, she suddenly remembered, had always been silver-themed. Mom didn’t like garish colors.
Colin pulled into the driveway, set the brake and turned off the engine. Neither said a word. They gazed at the house in silence for a minute, and then he got out and started around to her side. Nell quickly unbuckled and joined him.
Windows were warm golden squares, but the porch light was off. A streetlamp half a block away cast a circle of yellowish light. The temperature had dropped with nightfall. Nell told herself that was why she shivered, but she wasn’t convinced.
I don’t remember that night. I don’t.
But prickles tiptoed up her spine anyway.
Colin took her arm, looking down at her, his face shadowed. She remembered the night he had confronted her at the library and how much he’d scared her. Tonight, he was all that gave her the courage to walk toward the deep front porch.
She knew without looking where the doorbell was.
They stood side by side, listening to the bell toll. Footsteps came faintly, loud enough to allow her time to brace herself for the moment when the porch light came on and then the door opened.
Marc Dubeau stood in the opening, expression impatient. In that first, fleeting glimpse, Nell saw that he hadn’t changed much from the man in her memories. Hair at his temples had turned silver and new lines aged his face, but he was still thin, handsome and fit.
He looked first at Colin, his eyebrows climbing in surprise, and then his gaze flicked to Nell. Shaking only inside where nobody could see, she thought, That’s just like him. Courteous to women, but always assuming men are more important.
Then shock transformed that lean, dark face. His grip tightened in a spasm on the door. “Maddie?” he whispered.
“Yes.” That sounded inadequate. “It’s me.”
“What...?” He closed his eyes and gave his head a bewildered shake. “My God. Come in.” Standing back, he held the door wide-open. “Maddie.” That same note infused his voice. “Captain,” he said to Colin.
Colin had released her arm when they reached the porch, but now he gripped it again, just above her elbow as if to steady her. They both stepped inside, and she knew the entryway, too, with a wide staircase rising from it and arched openings to each side, one leading to the living room, the other a formal dining room. She heard canned voices from a television.
“Let me take your coats.” Her father sounded shaken and his eyes never left her. As they unzipped, he raised his voice. “Helen?”
Nell let Colin take her parka, grateful for his warmth at her back. Let me support you, he’d said, and meant. Not something she was used to.
Her gaze stayed trained on the doorway to the living room. A moment later, a woman appeared in it. She wore wool slacks and a sweater that had to be cashmere. Her blond, chin-length hair was elegantly styled. She’d aged more than her husband had, but oh...that face was so familiar. From memories, and from Nell’s own mirror.
“Mom?” Nell managed to say, past the lump in her throat.
Helen’s shock was even greater than her husband’s, or only more visible. Her hand flew to her throat and she stared for the longest time before tears flooded her blue eyes. “Maddie?”
“Yes,” she said again.
“Oh, dear God.” She sagged and her husband went to her side and put an arm around her. “We thought...”
“I know.”
Nell had braced herself for her mother, at least, to want to hug her. Instead, Helen visibly pulled herself together and reached her hand out, but the gesture was tentative. Nell took her hand and waited for some deep sense of connection, but nothing came. There was an emptiness as she realized she could be clasping a complete stranger’s hand.
It was a relief when her mother let her go.
“This is...such a surprise. Marc? Did you know?”
“No. Ple
ase,” he said again, gesturing toward the living room. Looking at Colin, he said, “You found her.”
“By chance,” Colin agreed. He rested a casual hand on Nell’s back and took the seat right beside her on the sofa.
Yes, I know this room, too, although the sofa is new. Or only reupholstered?
Taking a wing chair, her father stared at her. “This is... I don’t even know what to say. I’ve always believed... You can’t know what it means to us to have you home again.”
She felt like a long-lost daughter, home again, and yet she also had a peculiar sense of distance, almost as if she were hovering over the scene. Thinking, He’s saying the right things, but I can’t tell what he really feels.
“Thank you,” she said politely. Out of the corner of her eye, she stayed aware of Colin, so large and solid. His hand lay casually on the cushion only inches from hers. She wanted to grab it and hold on.
“I don’t understand this,” her mother blurted. “Where have you been? How could you disappear and not so much as call? Do you have any idea what you did to us?”
Colin studied her mother with a sort of clinical interest. Even with his dysfunctional family background, he’d clearly expected her parents to throw themselves at her, weeping. Instead... Well, even Nell didn’t quite know whether they were in shock, were only mildly pleased to see her, or were angry because she’d been so inconsiderate as to shame them in front of the world for losing their daughter. Perhaps they were simply very reserved people. That felt right when she thought about it. She couldn’t summon a memory of being hugged.
“I suffered a head injury,” she said, her own reserve as bottomless. Nature or nurture? she asked herself, in one of those fleeting, totally irrelevant diversions. “When I woke up, I had no idea what my name was. I eventually created a new identity and a new life. My name is Nell.”
“You’ve lived all these years without knowing you’re Maddie?”
“Yes.”
Colin must have moved his hand, slightly, but enough so that it brushed hers.
Marc’s dark eyes fastened on him. “How did you find her?”
“I happened to see her interviewed on a local television show in Seattle. I tracked her down, and we talked.”
“In Seattle? You were up there for some kind of conference, weren’t you? But that was a couple of weeks or more ago!”
“That’s right.” He wasn’t bothering to sound apologetic.
“You didn’t think we’d want to know our daughter was alive?”
“The decision to come home or not was Nell’s. I gave her my word I’d let her make it.”
Her father’s gaze swung back to her. “Maddie. Goddamn it, your name is Maddie,” he said fiercely.
“I haven’t been Maddie in a very long time. My memory of her is still shaky. Incomplete. I’ve asked Colin—Captain McAllister—to call me Nell.”
“In this house you’re Maddie.”
She nodded, because what else could she do?
Her mother’s shock seemed to have been renewed. “You don’t remember us at all?”
“My memories are scattered. Once Colin told me who I was, I went on the internet and looked at pictures of you. I recognized you then, from those memories. I think I was very frightened the night I left home, maybe even before I was attacked. Even after all these years, I was afraid to come back, to reveal myself. My silence may seem cruel to you, but...” She couldn’t go on.
Colin chose that moment to enclose her hand in his, the clasp warm and strong, the comfort and support she so desperately needed. This was the first time they’d touched, bare skin to bare skin. It felt so right that relief and something more powerful flooded her.
Both her parents looked at their clasped hands. Her mother’s eyes widened and her father’s disapproval was obvious.
“I assume you have your bags in the car.”
Colin’s grip tightened.
“No.” She tried very hard to sound regretful. “I don’t mean to hurt you, but... This is a big step for me. I’m hoping to spend time with you, but I’m not ready to come home as if I am Maddie unchanged. I’ve taken a leave from my job, long enough that I thought it best to find an apartment.” She was careful not to look at Colin.
“That’s ridiculous!” Marc exclaimed. “This is your home! You have a bedroom upstairs.” His voice softened. “We haven’t changed a thing.”
For the first time, she had to blink hard to hold back tears. “I’d really like to see it. Another time, though. I just arrived today, and I guess I’m feeling a little overwhelmed.”
This silence was not a comfortable one. She was beginning to wonder if her parents’ odd reaction to her was only the result of shock.
“Can you tell me about Felix?” she asked tentatively. “He’s not home, is he?”
“Do you remember him?” her father asked.
She gave a flicker of a smile. “The same way. Fleeting memories. But they’re all good ones.” Suddenly afraid of how that sounded, she hurried on. “May I see a picture of him?”
“Certainly.” Her mother rose, the movement seeming stiff, and turned to the fireplace. Several framed photos held pride of place on the mantel. “This is the most recent.” She brought one in a silver frame to Nell. “We keep yours there, too. We’ve never lost hope.”
Nell’s vision blurred and she bent her head. Yes, she had hurt her mother, at least, and yet she couldn’t seem to take her at face value. This scene still felt wrong, the undercurrents tugging at her.
She accepted the framed photo and gazed down at it. A handsome young man looked back at her, although she could see in him the skinny boy she remembered. He resembled their father and not Helen at all, with his dark hair and brown eyes. Wearing graduation robes, he was laughing, the hat with tassel in one hand.
“Where did he go to school?” she asked.
“Willamette.” Marc said it with pride. “He’s still there, in law school.”
They talked more about him, their voices gradually relaxing as if Felix were a comfortable subject for them. He was halfway through law school. His—her—parents hoped he would come home to central Oregon to practice. To Bend, if not to Angel Butte.
“I don’t think he has entirely decided what kind of law to pursue,” Helen said. “Of course, your father had hoped he would be interested in taking over the resort, but it seems that won’t come to be.”
Nell handed the picture to Colin, who released her hand to take it. He studied it as carefully as she had, then set it on the coffee table.
“I don’t suppose you made it to college,” Marc observed.
Nell’s chin rose at what she interpreted as a dismissive tone. “Actually, I did. I have a degree in psychology with a minor in English from the University of Washington.”
“Really.”
Another drawn-out pause was more than she could take. She shot to her feet without any forethought. “I’m really tired from the drive. Can we get together tomorrow? Mom—” Why was it so hard to say a word that should come naturally? “Maybe we can have lunch tomorrow.”
Shock seemed to have frozen both their faces, but they stood, too.
“Yes, of course,” her mother said. “Perhaps we could go to the Newberry Inn. You always loved it.”
She smiled, unwilling to admit she didn’t remember the inn. “Twelve-thirty? Why don’t we meet there?”
Colin moved even faster than she did. He was holding out her parka by the time she reached the front door, and helped her into it before putting on his own.
Marc held out his hand to Colin. “Thank you for bringing Maddie to us.”
“I’m glad I was able to.”
The two men shook. He nodded at Nell’s mother. “Mrs. Dubeau.”
“My husband has mentioned you. You were on
e of the police officers who came to talk to us the night Maddie disappeared, weren’t you?”
“Yes, I was. Brand-new on the force.”
“Maddie?” Her father touched her arm, his expression softer. “We’ve dreamed about this. You walking in the door. We’re more grateful than you can know to have you here.”
She nodded and offered a smile that wobbled. Tears burned her eyes again. “Yes. It’s been...” She didn’t know what it had been and gave up the attempt to put her complicated feelings into words. “Um...good night.”
Again, Colin guided her down the porch steps and the walkway, this time with a hand on her back. He unlocked his big SUV and came around to the passenger side with her, as if unsure she could get in without help.
A moment later, they were backing out, Nell very aware of her parents still standing on the porch, watching them go.
* * *
COLIN KEPT AN anxious eye on Nell during the drive home. She stared straight ahead, her hands locked together on her lap.
A block or so from the Dubeau home, he observed, “Not quite what I expected.”
“No” was all she said, in a small, almost stricken voice.
He stayed silent after that, thinking she needed time to absorb the reunion with her parents.
But when they got home and she immediately headed for the staircase to the apartment, he said brusquely, “You don’t need to be alone yet, Nell. Come and have a cup of coffee with me. We can talk as much or as little as you want.”
She stopped, her back to him. It was a long time before she turned and nodded. Even given that the outdoor lighting leached color from the scene, her face was ghostly pale, her eyes huge and dark.
Colin took her arm again, more to reassure himself that she was here and real than because he thought she needed the physical support.
He left her in the living area while he put coffee on to brew, but was able to watch as she wandered, studying the books on his shelves rather than sitting down. When he joined her, she glanced at him.
Bringing Maddie Home Page 8