by Jake Devlin
“Your wish is about to come true, Pam,” Jake sotto voced, as Pam turned in her chair to see her almost-twin, wearing a bright red bikini, striding angrily from the boardwalk toward her and Jake. No flouncing was visible; neither was any sashaying, wiggling or swiveling.
“Shoot her, Sharon, shoot her,” Lindsay hissed.
“Not yet, kid. Chill out,” Sharon rasped back.
“You're gonna tax nonprofits? What the fuck is that?”
“Hi, JJ. Pam, this is JJ. JJ, Pam.”
“Nice to meet you, JJ.”
“Hi. So what's this with taxing my charity?”
“Hey, JJ, it's just fiction.”
“I don't care. People might actually read it and get an idea.”
“Who knows? But look, the charitable tax credit should offset that.”
“The what?”
“Oh, you missed that? He sets up a 50 percent tax credit for charitable contributions.”
“I did miss that. I got bored with all his numbers and shit, just skimmed the rest. But that nonprofits tax caught my eye.”
“Go back and find that; I think you'll see it should balance out. And if it were real, it would also give you another selling point for the CEOs.”
“But --”
“Go back and read it,” Jake said more sharply (sharplier?). “But for now, give my girlfriend here a nicer hello, okay?”
Deflated, but only slightly, JJ looked at Pam and said, “Sorry. Hello. What was your name again?”
“Pamela.”
“Hi, Pamela,” she said, holding out her hand. Pam shook it, all the while examining JJ closely from behind her sunglasses.
“But you can call me Pam.”
“Okay. Pam.”
“You know, JJ, you're just about as pretty as Jake said you were.”
JJ immediately perked up. “You think so? Thank you ... Pam.”
“From up here, I can hardly tell them apart,” Sharon said.
“Two knockouts,” Justin whispered. Lindsay fumed.
“Looks like you don't have to do much work to stay that way, right, JJ?”
“Ah, a little here and there, just touchup,” JJ said, running her fingers through her long blonde tresses.
“So, Pam, how do you know my old buddy, Jake?”
“Long story, JJ, but we met about a year ago.”
“Is he any good in bed?”
“Hey, if you two are just gonna do girl talk, I'll leave you to it.”
“No, no, no, Jake. Stick around; this'll be fun,” Pam said, reaching out to pat his shin.
“So, JJ, how do you know Jake?”
“Oh, I was down here a couple summers ago, setting up a fashion show for my charity, and I just bumped into him here.”
“Your charity? Do you own it?”
“Oh, no; it's a big nationwide thing; I'm a senior fundraiser, hitting on CEOs of big, really big companies.”
“I'd bet you're good at it.”
“Phenomenal, actually. I raised over 28 million last year, 18 so far this year, on my way to 40.”
“Wow. That's impressive.”
“Oh, yeah; I'm the top producer. They love me.”
“Salary or commission?”
“Both.”
“Cool. Not a bad way to earn a living.”
“I love it. I get to meet some of the most interesting men.”
“And rich, too, I'd bet.”
“Of course; they're CEOs.”
Pam smiled at Jake and said, “Are they any good in bed?”
“Some of them – oh, I shouldn't say, should I?”
“Not unless you want 'em in Jake's book.”
JJ looked at Jake, “You wouldn't, would you?”
Jake smiled. “You might want to keep some stuff to yourself, JJ.” He reached into his cooler, got his water bottle and took a long swig.
“So what did you do before the fundraising gig?” Pam asked.
“Dancer.”
“Really? What type? Exotic?”
“No, no, no. Flamenco.”
“Really?”
“Really. Twelve years; I was terrific, made a ton of money.”
“Cool. Ever had a ménage à trois?”
Jake spat some water out, then spluttered, “Pam!”
Justin gasped, Lindsay fumed. Sharon rasped,“Uh-oh; I may need more cameras.” Norm and Janet's ears perked up.
“Gee, I – oh, I'd better keep that to myself,” JJ said, glancing at Jake.
“Ah, well,” Pam said, giving Jake a quick, hidden smirk. “Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
“So, JJ, you travel a lot?”
“Oh, yeah. All over the country, all the time.”
“Europe?”
“Nope, never been.”
“Mexico, Latin America?”
“Nope.”
“Canada?”
“Once, nine, ten years ago.”
“What part of Canada?”
“Montreal.”
“Did you like it there?”
“It was great. I was putting on a charity fashion show up there for a sister charity.”
“Get to see much of the city?”
“Not really; I was stuck in the hotel most of the time.”
“Too bad; it's a great city.”
“Oh.”
“So you've never had a three-way?”
“Just twi- – oh.” She looked at Jake. “Oops.”
“Two guys or two girls?”
“Gir- – oh, oops.”
“Oh, goodie.” Pam smiled at Jake.
Sharon rasped, “Definitely wish I had more cameras.” Justin, now breathing heavily, looked at Lindsay, whose scowl threatened to freeze permanently. Norm and Janet were now only pretending to work on their puzzles.
“What d'ya think, Jake?” Pam asked. “Want to give it a try? We're nearly twins, after all.”
JJ interrupted, “I don't know, Pam; I'm not sure I --”
“Oh, c'mon, JJ. You know you --”
“Okay, give it up, girls. You almost had me there, but no gotcha. Good try, though.”
Stunned to the point of perflutzity, Pam and JJ could only stare at Jake. Jake grinned at them both.
“Ah, shit,” Sharon rasped.
Justin, “Damn.”
Lindsay stared at Justin and hissed, “Pig.”
Norm and Janet leaned further towards the trio.
“Of course, if you two really want to --”
“Heads up, Sharon. This guy looks a little hinky,” Justin said.
“Which guy?” Sharon asked. “Oh, shit!”
Pam finally said, “What gave it away?“
“Well, first, you both have the same --”
JJ and Pam simultaneously yelled, “Gun!!!!!!”
Jake saw it out of the corner of his eye, snapped his leg up and kicked the gunman's right wrist, then grabbed his left hand in a kote gaeshi wrist lock, while JJ reached out and pulled the gun from his right hand just after he pulled the trigger, the bullet flying into the air and ultimately landing harmlessly in the bay behind the guardhouse at the entrance to the Collier parking lot; it was found three years later embedded in the shell of a sea turtle caught near Marco Island.
The gunman screamed as Jake put more pressure on his wrist and fingers, forcing him to his knees and then onto his face in the sand, where Jake sat on his back while Pam got some flex-ties from her bag and tied him with those, and JJ expertly added another set around his ankles.
“Nice move, Jake,” Pam said.
“Pizza cake,” Jake replied, breathing heavily.
Justin said, “Did you get that, Sharon?”
“Yup,” Sharon replied. “Seen and recorded. But shit; we were too slow.”
“Luckily, they were fast enough,” he replied.
“All three of them,” Sharon said. “Hmm.”
The man on the PVC lounge, having seen the whole event unfold, pulled his right hand out from under his lounge, scratched his right temple and th
en went back to reading Pirandello's “Enrico IV.”
Pam took out her cell phone and dialed 911. Within minutes, Sergeant Dooley and six deputies arrived and, after ascertaining what had happened, took the gunman into custody, applied first aid to his broken left fingers and right wrist, and whisked him away in a cruiser.
After taking statements from Pam, JJ, Jake and many other people on the beach, as well as reviewing six cell phone videos, a charge of attempted murder was filed against the gunman, who, further investigation revealed, was a pro-life fanatic with a lengthy criminal record, mostly assault and battery, as well as a history of bipolar disorder, who was enraged that Devlin had written that Donne had legalized abortion. He'd heard about Jake's web site from a girlfriend who'd gotten the link directly from Jake the previous year. He pled guilty and was sentenced to 25 years to life. Two months into his sentence, he died after being shanked by a pro-choice nutjob in the prison laundry.
At three o'clock, after they had given their statements, Jake looked at Pam and JJ, smiled broadly and said, “Now, about that three-way ...”
-118-
Friday, January 2, 2015
8:30 p.m.
The Oval Office
The White House
via a 24-hour news channel
Gordon Donne, dressed in his usual casual clothing, his fringe of hair a good deal thinner and grayer, smiled into the camera. His complexion and demeanor gave a picture of general good health.
“Good evening, my fellow Americans, and Happy New Year.
“It's been a little over three years now that I've been working for y'all, and I have some generally good news to report.
“First, as usual, on the economy, I'm pleased to tell you that GDP grew at about 5.5 percent last year; I say “about,” because the final figures aren't in as yet, but the first three quarters grew at that rate or better, and the fourth quarter, even without China in the global economy, should have come in at or above that average.
“So, since that met my goal of five percent growth a year ahead of my projection, I'm reducing income tax brackets for individuals by one percent for this year, 2015. New withholding software for all platforms is available on our web site, _______.gov, and we urge all employers to download and install that as quickly as possible.
“I've also eliminated the partisan surcharges, again for this year and all future years, and I've cut the minimum tax in half, from $720 a year to $360.
“The country reached a record revenue of 4.3 trillion dollars last year, and our budget for this year is only 3.1 trillion, down to 17 percent of GDP, so we've started paying down our debt. It's down to 15.3 trillion dollars, and it's looking like we'll have it down to ten trillion in another three years or sooner. When we get there, I'll consider another tax cut for individuals.
“For businesses, the rates will stay the same, and we've found that the US is turning into a tax haven of its own, simply because we no longer have the highest business tax rates in the world; we have close to the lowest. We have found that tax avoidance and evasion by businesses has gone way down from 2011 and before, and CEOs tell me again and again that this country is the best place in the world to locate and do business.
“The unemployment rate, as you all heard this morning, is now down to 5.9 percent, and we added over nine million jobs last year. So we're making good progress on that front.
“Our Sovereign Wealth Fund now has over two trillion dollars under management and has made an 18.3 percent return over the last two years. That fund has financed thousands of infrastructure repair and construction projects, mostly roads and bridges, and since fewer than 15 percent of our investors have chosen the annual payout option, we've still got lots of capital to invest. I'd give that a grade of about a B plus; it's good, but it can do better.
“The Medicare, Medicaid and Social Security fixes we put in place in 2012 have made all of those programs solvent through 2085, so I'm very pleased there. And the Al Capone tax has rendered fraud in all of those virtually nonexistent. We continue our vigilant monitoring, of course.
“The environment continues to be healthy, and the regulatory agencies that still exist are efficient, non-invasive and cooperative with the 92 percent of businesses that still maintain their A rating, and tough, micromanaging and invasive with the eight percent with the dreaded B rating, which they keep for a minimum of two years from when they receive it. 3,012 businesses have gotten their A back.
“On the energy front, we have achieved 85 percent independence, with nuclear now generating most of our electrical energy needs, along with coal, natural gas and a minimal contribution from solar and wind farms, and a tiny bit from bioenergy sources.
“As you all probably know, nearly every country has joined us in fixing their currencies to oil, and here in the US, after we eliminated the federal tax on gasoline, that price is down to under two bucks a gallon, and our refining companies and the oil companies themselves are still showing record profits and distributing them in dividends.
“On the education front, the high school dropout rate nationwide is down to six percent, with pockets here and there where it is higher. But by giving school districts greater flexibility to address their local issues, and not just throwing money at them, I expect those pockets to bring their dropout rate down to or below the national average. We are now actually graduating high schoolers who know how to read, write and plan their personal finances, and who are eager for higher education, be it college, trade school or one of the thousands of apprenticeship programs the private sector has implemented.
“As for defense, our military is the strongest, leanest and meanest in the world, but ever since the China-India-Arab war, in which we intervened with insurmountable power, we have only had to utilize it minimally.
“Our steadfast support of the right of Israel to exist and prosper, while criticized vehemently both here at home and in the Arab world, has ensured our Israeli friends' continued existence and cooperative contributions to the American economy, especially in technology.
“Obviously, our support of Israel before, during and after their coordinated attack on and complete decimation of Iran's nuclear facilities was instrumental in the regime change in that country. Of course, the new regime is no less hostile to this country, but they have given up their nuclear ambitions and know that we hold the leaders completely accountable for the actions of their people, especially after the China war, so they have been a good deal more docile than the previous leaders. I doubt we'll reopen diplomatic relations with them for several years, but if and when they come to the table with serious and verifiable options that align with American interests, we may … and I emphasize may … consider that.
“Of course, we maintain a strong presence on the homeland security front and have had no terrorist attacks since May of 2013, in the midst of the China war, and that was contained to one bomb in a sparsely populated area. I congratulate everyone in our intelligence community for their hard work and ongoing success.
“I'm going to end with that and let you all know that you can find more information about the state of the country on our web site, ________.gov.
“So I'll now simply wish you all a very happy and prosperous 2015 and say good night.”
-119-
Monday, July 16, 2012
11:49 p.m.
Cyberspace
The Instigator reviewed his emails for the first time in several weeks, then checked the balance in the account, which was now exactly 190 million euros plus a relatively small amount of interest. He debated for a moment about perhaps instigating some more contracts, but finally decided against it, satisfied that nineteen contracts were plenty … for now.
“Pizza cake,” he said quietly. “I can run this all again in a year or two.”
Smiling to himself, he turned off the PC, settled back in his recliner, sighed, stretched and finished off the last of his expensive wine, then rinsed the glass and headed up to bed, where he slept soundly, deeply and
dreamlessly through the night, awakening refreshed and fully restored at a little past nine a.m. local time. He opened the shutters and looked out at the expansive, virtually limitless view from his windows.
“Ah, another gorgeous day. Hope the locals are enjoying it.”
-120-
Friday, January 3, 2020
8:30 p.m.
The Oval Office
The White House
via a 24-hour news channel
Gordon Donne, dressed in his usual casual clothing, his fringe of hair even thinner and grayer, smiled into the camera. At age 60, he looked to be the picture of health for his age.
“Good evening, my fellow Americans, and Happy New Year.
“It's been a little over eight years now that I've been working for you, and, as usual, I have some good news to report.
“Tonight, I'm going to limit myself to the economy, and I'm very pleased to tell you that GDP grew at about 11.5 percent last year, beating my goal of ten percent within eight years; I say “about,” because, as usual, the final figures aren't in as yet, but the first three quarters grew at that rate or better, and the fourth quarter will have come in at or above that rate.
“Our revenue hit 6.8 trillion dollars last year, and our budget for this year is only 3.3 trillion, down to 13 percent of GDP, so we're doing great on paying off our debt. It's down to 8.8 trillion dollars, and it's looking like we'll have it down to four trillion in another four years, possibly only three.
“Unemployment is now at 4.8 percent. I expect it to come down to an even four percent by the end of this first quarter of 2020, and back down to what we call the “full employment” level, just over three percent, by the end of this year. Below that, there's pressure that can lead to inflation above our acceptable rate of one percent per year, which we have maintained for the past five years.
“I'm going to end with that and let you all know that you can find more information about the state of the country on our web site, ________.gov.
“So I'll now simply wish you all a very happy and prosperous 2020. Good night, all.”