“Hey, it will all work out. It’s not like I’ll be able to go back into the classroom anytime soon.”
“Still, it is so unfair.” I drop into the seat beside his bed.
“Yeah, but there isn’t much we can do about it.”
“What are you going to do?”
“Move back home, for now. I need my parents help anyway.” He gestures to his hand.
Of course. He can’t even pick up his son and Cam’s mobility is limited to where he can get on his hand and knees, which is pretty far I discovered today. That, and pulling himself up and grabbing at things.
After I showered and headed over to Jesse’s place, I stayed with Cam so his parents could come up and visit. It’s exhausting trying to stay on top of a mobile child who is curious about everything his eye catches. There is no way Jesse is in any shape to take on full-time dad mode right now.
By the time Mr. and Mrs. Tinley returned, it was going on super time. Jesse was just finishing a bowl of soup when I walked in and then he told me about his visit with this Mag person.
“How is Cam?”
I have to chuckle. “You have your hands full with that little guy.”
He smiles, but there’s sadness in his eyes. Jesse’s got to be missing him. “God, I miss him.”
“Your parents will bring him up soon.”
“I know. But he’s my son. I’ve never gone a day without him.”
I hate that Jesse can’t see Cam for himself. He’s just a great dad and this is killing him when there are parents out there who can spend hours with their kids, but tend to forget they have them.
“So what are you doing tomorrow? I can bring you lunch.” I’m trying to lighten the mood and take his mind off of his problems.
“I’m going to be pretty busying laying around here all day.”
“I’m not sure that’s such a hardship. I’ve seen some of those nurses.”
“I’d rather look at you.”
My heart melts a little. I’d rather look at him too. “But, they give sponge baths.”
“Who says they have to be the ones giving the bath.” He winks at me with his good eyes and my face heats.
Jesse chuckles. “Did I just embarrass you?”
“Um, yeah!” My face is getting hotter. He’s been in relationships and has a kid, which means he’s probably done it all. I’ve barely made it to third base with any guy I dated, which was intentional. Would he lose interest if he knew how innocent I am?
He’s grinning at me. I’m just waiting for him to tease me some more. I shouldn’t be embarrassed by being a virgin, but really, it isn’t something I discuss, especially with guys unless we’ve gotten to the point in a relationship where that is the next thing they want to do. That’s usually when the relationships end. I’ve yet to meet a guy that agrees with my current life choice. Jesse and I haven’t even kissed, let alone anything else and I figured this discussion would be much further down the road.
“Are you a virgin?” he finally asks with surprise, which I can’t really blame him. There aren’t that many twenty-one year old virgins around.
I decided to ignore my burning cheeks and look him in the eye because I have nothing to be embarrassed about. “Yeah.”
“Religion?” he asks, though I don’t think he’d consider it a bad reason.
“Not so much religious beliefs as life experience.”
He hitches and eyebrow as if he’s trying to figure that one out.
“I’m adopted,” I remind him.
“I know,” he says slowly. The teasing is no longer in his green eyes or in the tone of his voice. This has turned into a serious conversation, but I don’t think he’s judging me or anything, but really wants to know why.
“That’s why it is a life experience choice.”
“Mom too young? Not ready to be a mother, or wanted to finish school?”
I’m sure he’s drawing a parallel to Cam’s mom and her choices. If only. “From what I understand, she was a high school kid who found herself knocked up. Dropped out of school because education wasn’t all that important. She wasn’t planning on going to college anyway.” I shrug. “She didn’t have a boyfriend, but one of the many girls associated with a local gang. I have no clue which one is or was my father.” I shake my head. You think I’d be upset, but I’ve long gotten over it. It’s a fact that I can’t change and there is no point being upset. Nor do I have any desire to find out who my father could be. Given the gang affiliation, he might be dead, if he’s not in prison.
“My sister was born a year later.”
“What happened? You said the two of you were separated a lot.”
“When I was about four there was a drug raid on auto repair shop my mom worked at. We also lived in the back with some guys who were also members of the gang. It was the middle of the afternoon and the gang members were working on cars as part of their legitimate work to hide their illegal activities when the bullets flew. I don’t even remember how many people were shot, but my mom wasn’t. Instead, she was taken into custody and that’s when Rosalyn and I entered the system.”
Jesse’s jaw drops and he just stares at me.
“I hardly remember it. Just the gun shots and hiding in the corner of a back closet with Roslyn.” I do remember being scared to death and holding Roslyn while we waited for it to be over. Even when it was finally silent, we didn’t leave because we were never to come out until someone came to get us. Roslyn and I spent a lot of time in the closet, days even, because someone always forgot to get us, and the guys our mom hung out with were so scary we didn’t dare misbehave. The officer had been so nice. He and another picked us up and told us to close our eyes and hide our faces as they took us from the place. I did because it never occurred to me to not do what I was told. “I’m sorry.” There’s sympathy in his eyes, but I’m not sure what else he’s thinking and it makes me nervous. I’ve just told him more than I’ve ever told anyone outside of my immediate family and a handful of therapists.
“Don’t be,” I insist. “I was put in the system and with foster parents. Some sucked, some were good, but I was adopted.” As much as I probably should resent my birth mother, I don’t. Even though it isn’t an excuse, she was a part of her environment and accepted it as her life, even though the circumstances sucked. “If she wouldn’t have been arrested, I would have grown up in that environment. I might have eventually ended up on the streets, dealing drugs myself, no education, no opportunity for a better life. I sure as hell wouldn’t have the best family in the world, or be attending Vassar.”
My stomach tightens as I wait for Jesse’s reaction. Being adopted when your mother had been a high school girl who got pregnant by her football player boyfriend is one thing, and sympathetic. A mom who hung with gangs as a choice and the sperm donor was an unnamed drug dealer is entirely different.
“You were eight when they adopted you, right?” He asks as if my parentage doesn’t matter. Maybe he still has to digest this information and he’ll slowly start pulling away, breaking after I’m back at school, or maybe before. I can’t really blame him.
“Yep.”
“Wow!” He finally says. “You had a rough start.”
“That’s a mild way to put it.” I chuckle. “But, it’s also why I’m careful about all choices. One slip up, and everything could be gone.” I know it wouldn’t be, but that was how I felt before the O’Briens and many years after. I lived in fear of disappointment or screwing up and being tossed out to fend for myself. My mom’s friends threatened it a lot, and foster homes let me go often enough, that I decided early on that I was going to get an education, be able to fully support myself before I even considered any kind of romantic relationship. Jesse is the first person who had me wondering if maybe I was being too strict with myself.
“You’d still have your family and we all screw up.”
He’s right of course. “I just decided that it’s best not to have sex unless one was in a position to have and rais
e a child. I don’t care how careful a couple is, nothing is 100% safe except abstinence.”
“No truer words were ever said.” He’s shaking his head and makes me wonder if he thought he was completely safe when Cam was conceived.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to insinuate that it’s wrong what happened with Cam. He’s a great kid and you are an awesome dad.”
“No. Don’t worry about that. I get what you are saying. It’s smart. Really. Sheri was on the pill, but I still used a condom, which broke by the way, but I wasn’t that concerned. Except, she was on the last days of an antibiotic for strep throat, and we both forgot that antibiotics might was well cancel out any birth control pill.”
“I have a friend with an antibiotic baby. She forgot too.”
“But, I wouldn’t trade Cam for anything in the world.”
“You are also in a position to support him. I’ve got two years of school left and I don’t want to cheat myself or any potential child.”
He’s nodding as if he gets it. “So, waiting for marriage.”
I shake my head. “No. Waiting for security. I’ll take it to the next level when I’m involved in a meaningful relationship, but not before I’m in a financial position that if, despite how careful, a child could result, I’m in a position to take care of that child all on my own.”
“It does take two,” he reminds me. “The guy has to take on the responsibility as well.”
“Not all guys are like you.” Sadly, I’ve seen it happen enough and the moms are left to raise the kid alone and hope of getting some type of child support. If the dad is still in school, there’s little to no money coming from him.
“So, you have a least a two year wait.”
This may be a deal breaker for Jesse, and I get that. But, I’m not about to compromise because a guy is really hot and I really like him. “Yeah. Unless I win the lottery. But, since I don’t play, it’s not likely.”
“I admire you for that.”
Admiration and wanting to stay in touch are two different things. Not that it matters. He has a ton of recovery ahead of him and I’ve got two years of school. I just wish we’d met after I was done with school, and I had a job. Things could be different.
“I’m also glad this decision has nothing to do with being a prude.”
I have to laugh. “I am so not a prude, and can be rather inventive.” My face heats again. Maybe I shouldn’t have added that last part. There are many ways a couple can have fun and get off without doing the deed. And, if things continue to progress, he might learn how much of a prude I’m not.
“So, lunch tomorrow?” I have to get off the subject of sex with Deirdre. If someone had told me that tonight I’d be discussing Deirdre’s virginity and life choices I would have asked if they’d been taking the drugs the nurses were pumping into me. I so did not see that coming. Not that I mind. In fact, I admire her a hell of a lot. More than before. But, it also makes me want her more. Hell, I’ve wanted her since Thanksgiving.
No, it has nothing to do with being the first guy, because there are some that really get off on that, but her reasons. I know that when the time comes and she finally gives herself to a man, it won’t be just her body, but her heart and soul too. That’s why I want to be that guy. I see a future with Deirdre. It’s a ways down the road, but I can’t wait to see what happens when I’m recovered and she’s graduated. Hell, it might take me two years to get back on my feet and I won’t be in any position to be in a relationship either.
If only there was a fast forward button I could push.
She’s staring at me, as if the sudden change in topic took her off guard.
“Never mind. You don’t have to keep coming up here. It is your Spring Break.”
“No, that isn’t it.” She laughs. “I’m just trying to think of what I can bring you.”
“Ice cream,” I groan. “All I can manage right now is pudding and soup. Maybe we can change it up.”
“Jaw?” she grimaces. “Or stomach?”
“Teeth.”
Her eyes go wide.
“A few of them hurt and feel lose. A dentist is coming in tomorrow, but it really hurts to chew.”
“That bad?”
“I hope not.” I really don’t want to lose any teeth, but at least they are in the back and not front. Not that it makes them hurt any less. “They want to make sure any loose teeth are taken care of before they put me out again.”
Her light brown eyes go even wider with concern. “Out? You need another surgery?”
“Yep. They haven’t really addressed the hand since they were too busy removing my spleen and checking my kidneys. An orthopedic doc was in earlier and he wants to set some bones and will probably have to pin stuff back together.
“I am so sorry.”
“Hey, it is what it is. They’ll get it fixed and hopefully in the end it will all be as good as new.” I am being hopeful. The doctor already said I will probably have some limited mobility because of the damage, but I am going to get as much back as I can because my future and career depends on it.
“So, something soft,” she says and purses her lips. Then grins. “I make great mashed potatoes.”
My mouth waters. “With cheese?”
“Sour cream, chives, scallions. All mixed together.”
“Sounds perfect.”
“I’ll let your parents know. They’ve been staying at your place with Cam. I watch him when they come here, but they’ve made arrangements with your regular babysitter and she’s going to take him in the afternoon.”
“Sally?”
“Yep. She called and offered.”
“How….” I don’t even finish the question. I know how she figured it out They way everyone else has. The damned news.
Sixteen
There were days of this break that dragged and others that flew by, but I’m really sad to see it come to an end.
I’m standing in the middle of my bedroom, fists on my hips and looking around to make sure I didn’t forget anything. I’m the last to head back to school, the others left this morning. Not that I spent much time with my siblings. When I wasn’t at the hospital, I was watching Cam, only coming home when visiting hours were over. Half the time my family was out somewhere else and I didn’t have the energy to track them down.
None of them complained, of course, and Roslyn did go up and meet Jesse, whom she highly approved of. They got why I was there, but I do wish I could have spent more time with them.
Then again, this may have been the only time I got to spend with Jesse. Who knows where he’ll be when I return in the summer? He might be living with his parents in Poughkeepsie, or moved to a new town. It’s all up in the air and depends on the therapy and any further surgeries he might have.
Since our talk about my future and waiting, we haven’t discussed any future between us. I get that everything is up in the air with Jesse, but I’d love to know if he’s interested in a future. I am. Even if it is years away. And, I’d really like to know if this is it and we never plan on seeing each other again before I head back to school.
I check the bathroom one more time. None of my stuff is in there, and I grab my suitcase and backpack and head down the stairs.
Kian and Alexia are watching a movie in the living room.
“Headed out?” he asks.
“Yep.”
“Going to the hospital first?” Alexia asks.
“I want to say goodbye.”
“You really like him a lot, don’t you?”
I give her a sad smile. “Yeah. I do. I’m just not sure how he feels.”
“Give it time,” Kian says.
“I know. A lot has happened and I do need to concentrate on school.”
“Just don’t forget to have fun too,” Alexia reminds me.
“But not too much.” Kian winks.
As if. I barely go to parties, let alone have too much fun. Graduating with good grades has always been a main priority.
“We’ll, I’ll call when I get to my apartment and see you in the summer.”
Alexia hugs me and Kian kisses my forehead. He is such a big brother, and I let myself out of the house. After tossing my suitcase in the trunk of my car, I head to the hospital, ready to return to my book. Since his surgery on Friday to repair some of the damage in his hand, Jesse has been sleeping a lot more. If he’s awake, great. If not, I’ll read until he does wake up because I’m not about to go back to Vassar without saying goodbye and maybe getting some answers.
She’s been here every day, and practically all day. “This isn’t exactly how you planned to spend your week.”
Deirdre looks up and smiles, putting her book aside. “Not the setting, exactly, but I’m with the person I came back to see.”
I know she’s not in town for me. Her family lives here. It just happened to work out that she came into my gallery and we started talking.
“Ever since we talked at Sullivan’s right before Thanksgiving, I’ve been thinking about you. So, I decided to hopefully run into you during Spring Break.”
“Seriously?” Hope fills my chest. I thought it was a fluke I was there when she came in and it all just happened to work out the way it did. “I’d been thinking about you too. I figured you’d forgotten about me.”
“You made quite an impression on me, Jesse Tinley.”
It feels good to hear her say that because she made quite an impression on me too, and continues to do so.
She bites her lower lip and looks away. I’ve come to know that this is a sign she has something difficult to say and my heart plummets into my stomach.
“Sorry!”
“What the hell are you sorry for?”
“If I’d gone to the beach with my friends instead, you wouldn’t be here now. You’d be in your studio.”
She’s not taking any of the blame for what that bitch did. “None of this is your fault, but the deranged ideas of a teenage girl who’s mentally ill.”
Deirdre tilts her head and studies me. “You won’t even say her name, will you?”
Casting Doubt Page 8