by Kiki Archer
‘Well remembered! You see long legs, if you’re not firm in your holds your attacker will soon have the upper hand!’
Kat couldn’t see anything; she was face up in Freya’s breasts. The pair giggled and laughed as loudly as the other couples with each move picked up perfectly by Freya and poorly by Kat who was quickly thrown into submission and another excruciatingly close contact position. Kat felt the tension and tried her hardest to ignore the agonizing feeling of Freya’s perfect body pressing against her own, forcefully changing her position and moving their heads unbearably close. Their cheeks brushed and Kat remembered Freya’s incredibly soft skin and the way her rich brown hair smelt deep and intoxicating. There was only about an inch and a half between them in height and their weight must have been incredibly similar, but it was clear to both that Freya was the strongest of the pair. Kat had joked that she hadn’t been trying, that it wouldn’t be fair to use her full force on someone younger than herself; but as Freya lay on top of Kat pinning her arms above her head into another submission that Kat could hardly pronounce, let alone master, they both knew the truth. Freya was the one in control, she took the lead, she dominated. Kat couldn’t help but imagine what she would be like in bed. Freya saw it. She saw the look in Kat’s eyes. For the first time it wasn’t a look of empathy or compassion, or a look of love; it was a look of desire. There was a heat in her eyes, a craving; a look of need and want that drove Freya to adjust her thigh and press it firmly between Kat’s legs. Kat closed her eyes and gasped.
‘We can’t do this,’ she whispered into Freya’s ear.
‘No, not here we can’t,’ she replied.
Their eyes locked in a state of longing, oblivious to the grappling, thudding and shrieking all around them. Kat’s heart was pounding; she couldn’t stop it, she wanted Freya more in that moment than she had ever wanted anyone before. The long drill of the bell snapped her back into the room and she dropped her eyes to the mat. She studied the jagged tear in its corner and squeezed the soft multicoloured foam that was peeping through its ripped blue coating. This has to stop. This cannot happen. This simply cannot happen. She lifted her gaze and stared once again into Freya’s expectant green eyes; the pain was unbearable.
‘Now can we talk?’ reasoned Freya.
Kat walked home alone, the cold sharp wind having no effect on her raised temperature. She watched as the red number 9 skidded to an abrupt halt at the overcrowded bus stop and was sure Chianne Granger looked over and winked. Kat debated and debated her decision and kept coming to the same conclusion – she had no alternative - they couldn’t meet in school for the obvious reasons, they couldn’t meet in a cafe for the obvious reasons, they couldn’t meet in a park because it was so cold and dark, and they couldn’t talk in a car. Freya would be at her apartment in two hours. Holy Mother of Shit, she thought, what have I done?
Jess always got home first, able to switch off and unplug at exactly 3.15pm; one of the perks of being the school secretary and not a fully fledged member of staff held behind for meeting after meeting after meeting. She pitied poor Ben and Kat, Year meeting one day, Department meeting another, Faculty meeting every second week, House meeting every term, the list went on. Tonight Kat was coming home early and Jess was excited. Kat was always there for her and Lucy, always thoughtful and caring and interested like any good friend should be, but she did it with a real love and a real concern. She had been her rock over the past few weeks and now it was time for some Karma. The door gently opened and Kat slid her heavy bag onto the wooden floor, she quietly unfastened the belt on her long black trench coat and hung it carefully on the spare hook. She pushed off her black heeled shoes, sighed and removed her soft leather gloves. Kat stood still and slowly rubbed her neck with her warm palm. I have to cancel she ruled.
‘You’re taking you’re time. Come on!’ squeaked Jess.
‘Oh hi, how are you?’ She paused, ‘It’s Monday, you always stay at Gary’s on a Monday.’
‘I know, but I have told him he will have to fend for himself tonight; this lady, is for you!’ Jess lifted her hand to the table where an assortment of beauty products sat in perfect order. ‘We can start with our face and work our way down to our feet.’ She pointed at Lucy’s ancient, slightly crusty foot spa. ‘I have the cucumber mask that you like and I will do your nails with that new clear polish I was telling you about.’ Jess took Kat’s hands, ‘You are my very best friend Katherine and I wanted to say thank you for everything.’ Tears started to form in her eyes, ‘I don’t know what I would have done without you.’
‘Oh Jess you shouldn’t have. I don’t need this. You are the one who needs the pampering not me.’
Jess did an excited little jump, ‘Well let’s enjoy it together then! Go and get your pyjama’s on and I will open a bottle.’
‘It’s only quarter past four!’
‘Oh come on, we deserve it! Go on, move it.’ She pushed Kat towards her bedroom, ‘I thought we could order a pizza later as well.’ She always liked to involve food in proceedings.
Kat stopped and climbed onto the tall breakfast stool. She sank her head in her hands, ‘I have messed up. I can’t believe it, I have been such an idiot.’
Jess clambered up the neighbouring red leather stool and looked at her anxious friend. ‘What’s happened?’
‘Where do I start?’ She was staring at the smooth white ceiling, ‘I just don’t know what to do. I have got myself into a situation that I shouldn’t have and I can’t see a way out.’
Jess sat quietly, not moving, just listening, she knew the floodgates were about to open. Kat, against her best efforts, could only keep things bottled up for a certain amount of time and Jess could see she had reached that limit.
‘Ok, so here it is in all its glory.’ Kat smiled and took a deep breath, ‘Freya and I seem to have managed to develop feelings for one another, feelings that neither of us can control, feelings that I am sure neither of us want; feelings that are - well for me - so real and so true and so raw and so excruciatingly painful that I found myself seriously considering giving up my whole teaching career to pin her against the wall bars in the school gym and kiss her; just kiss her. I wanted to kiss her. I nearly kissed her! What on earth was I thinking!?’ Kat bowed her head to the glittering black granite worktop, ‘I have lost the plot. I have seriously lost the plot Jess.’
Jess sat quietly and watched the turmoil in her friend’s eyes.
‘I mean I just need to stop it. I know I have to stop it. I have tried to switch it off, I promise you I have, but I can’t. She is so incredibly smart. She was so attentive today and quick to learn, and so eager to master the skills. She is just so full of life Jess; you know one of those people who energise every single situation, well that’s Freya!’ Kat could not stop herself, Freya was just so easy to talk about. ‘And she is funny and thoughtful and it is as if we have been friends for years. You would love her, I mean really love her; she is the person I have always wanted, but never found.’ She sighed and slowed her voice, ‘But I know it can’t happen. I am her teacher and I have a duty of care and it can’t happen. It’s not going to happen and I am going to stop it.’ Kat looked up and bit her bottom lip, ‘She is coming here in about an hour.’
‘Ok,’ said Jess with more calm than she actually felt, ‘well I will put my deep cleansing mudpack away then!’
Kat smiled, ‘Oh sweet Jesus, help me!’
Jess was nervously excited. Kat was clearly head over heels for the brown haired beauty that had spent the evening all those months ago mesmerised by her, and now, by some twist of fate their destinies had collided. Jess believed in everything - Karma, Tarots, Palms, Forces of Nature – and this was obviously one of those unavoidable pulls that would happen one way or another; it was meant to be and Jess was excited. Everyone knew someone who had had an affair with a teacher, and everyone who was anyone had wished for an affair with their teacher. But Kat was so proper, so headstrong, so dedicated to her profession that Jess knew
what was coming.
She banged her fist against the black granite worktop, ‘I am going to tell her that she is mistaken and that I don’t feel it and that I have someone else.’
‘But Kat you can’t lie! You don’t lie!’
‘I have to lie, what other alternative do I have?’
‘Just tell her to wait for a few months until she has finished school. When is it May? That’s when we all signed off. Just tell her you love her and that you want her to wait for you.’
Kat remained firm, ‘I can’t do that! Anyway who said anything about love? Look I am not going to lead her on or make her false promises or cross the boundary that should not be crossed. I am her teacher and that is my role and my priority. Period’
‘Oh Kat listen to yourself! You are not Mother Theresa for Christ’s sake! Just drop a few hints then.’
‘And what would that lead to? For the first time ever I have found someone that I can’t control myself around. I just want to be with her, to hold her; I want to kiss her.’ The thought made her ache with desire. ‘I can’t tell her because then what do we do? Act normally until the summer? Stop at holding hands? It would just escalate and it would lead to me breaching my code of conduct and that is something I will not do.’ She clapped her hands, ‘No I have to stop it. I have to stop it now, and then I don’t know; if all of your theories are correct then we will be together when the time is right and when it is meant to be. But that time is not now.’
‘Ok so you break her heart, she goes running off to someone else and what are you left with?’
‘My career, which means the absolute world to me.’
‘More than Freya?’
‘Yes.’
Jess knew Kat inside out and realised that no amount of persuasion would change her mind. She understood her predicament and empathised as best she could; but for pity’s sake could she not just live a little!?
Kat made her way to the open tiled shower and turned the setting down two notches. She looked up at the large chrome head spraying with force, closed her eyes, stepped forward and urged the cold water to drain her of feelings; to wash away her impurity and make her see sense. She rehearsed the scenario and prepared the speech; but what she hadn’t accounted for was Freya’s incredible appearance. Kat imagined that she would arrive as she had left her, hair thrown on top of her head, casual sports clothes and trainers in tow; but when she opened the door and saw Freya standing there she lost her breath. Freya shone with natural magnetising beauty. Her rich brown hair was cascading delicately around her shoulders and her sharp green eyes were twinkling with nervous anticipation. She smiled and her pretty face with its glowing cheekbones lit up with happiness. Her chic white shirt with oversized cuffs was pulled tightly into her navy blue skinny jeans and the long green beads that matched her sparkling eyes hung loosely from her neck.
Lucy was not due home for another two hours and Jess had taken residence in her bedroom, just as nervous as Kat was, hoping for a twist of fate that would see the tragic lovers ending up naked on the lounge floor. She held her breath and listened. Freya had arrived. The door had shut. The voices were muffled. Jess crawled closer to the door and put her ear to the crack. Laughter - good. The leather sofa had just creaked, they must be seated. Sit next to her Kat, don’t sit on the pouffe. The leather pouffe squeaked. Stop talking Kat. Stop talking. Let her speak. Let her tell you how she feels. Jess could hear Kat’s muffled voice talking quickly, not pausing for breath, saying what she planned to say before her heart tried to change her mind. It took every inch of Jess’s willpower to stop herself from throwing open the door, jumping into the room and shouting, ‘She loves you! Kat loves you!’
Kat adjusted herself on the black leather pouffe. ‘So I wanted you to come round because you said you needed to talk to me and obviously like I said earlier Miss Pity was standing right behind you and I am sure her and Miss Mews are trying to formulate a ridiculous case for some sort of pupil teacher affair that we are meant to be having, so like I said that’s why I was a bit sharp in the corridor and why I didn’t want to meet anywhere else. Anyway you have dropped me and Mr Puller off here before, so of course you can come and speak to me whenever you need to.’ Kat clapped her hands, ‘So here we are. What can I help with?’ She ran her fingers through her blonde hair and looked up for the first time.
Freya tried to catch her eyes, ‘Is that why I am here?’
‘You said you needed my advice on something and I am more than happy to help.’ She paused, ‘Look, we both know we have developed a friendship and I value that friendship and I will do what I can to advise you; I can’t promise I am qualified though!’
‘Ok, well I do need your help, I need your advice on lots of things actually; but do you think maybe we should talk about today first?’
Kat carried on unabashed. She had it all planned out. This was the sensible thing. ‘Which part?’
‘Maybe the part where we nearly kissed?’
She felt the tops of her ears redden and looked at the carpet, ‘What do you mean?’
Freya shook her head and twisted the small green beads that were looped around her wrist, ‘Ok. Fine. I am not stupid and I am also not prepared to make a fool out of myself so let’s just ignore it. Miss Mews and Miss Pity don’t have a case. Nothing is going on.’
‘I know.’
‘Fine. Seriously don’t worry about it, it’s not important. I guess we don’t have anything to talk about then.’ Freya spoke calmly but got up to leave.
Kat’s heart began to ache so she stood quickly and reached for her hand, ‘Please sit down. Please Freya. There is clearly something on your mind. Please, I will listen. No one can deny we have a good friendship and I value that friendship and I want to help if I can.’
They sat down on the soft sofa together and both felt relief.
Freya did not want to play games, but she did need advice. ‘Bea told me she loves me.’ She did not say it to hurt or cause jealousy but that was the effect it had.
Kat felt winded, knocked off guard as if she had lost everything with her one quick denial; it was not what she had been expecting. ‘Are you together?’ She knew she was poor at reading emotions, but how wrong could she have been?
‘In a way I guess yes, we are; well we were.’ Freya could see the effect it was having.
‘And how do you feel? Do you love her?’ She was cursing herself for believing this magnificent charismatic girl had fallen for stupid old her. She probably wanted to discuss the part today where her pathetic lesbian teacher groaned with desire as she accidentally put her leg in the wrong place. You idiot Kat.
‘I don’t know how I feel. I am scared of what I am. I can’t face up to what I am. I guess I am ashamed of what I am.’
‘What are you?’
Freya laughed, ‘See I can’t even say it. I can’t even use that word. I like ladies, alright?’
‘You are a lesbian.’
Freya laughed and threw a red bobbly cushion across the sofa, ‘Don’t!’
‘What?’ exclaimed Kat, she had been serious.
The ice had been broken and both started to smile. ‘Can we just be cool?’
Kat giggled, ‘Say it. Say “I am a lesbian.”’
Freya grinned and her green eyes twinkled with delight. ‘I know you said you were bad at advice, but please, what is this - lesbians anonymous? Shall I stand up and say it?’
‘Yes!’ laughed Kat.
She stood, flattened her shirt, pushed her wavy brown hair behind her ears and began. ‘Hello, my name is Freya Patty Elton and I am a lesbian.’
Kat threw her head back with laughter, ‘Patty? Where did that come from?’
‘My birth certificate!’ She jumped onto the sofa and slapped Kat’s knee, ‘You are meant to be helping!’
Raised voices. Giggles. Laughter. Bouncing on the sofa. Jess’s knees were starting to ache. Come on Kat. You can do it.
Kat leant into Freya and looked at her with sincerity, ‘There, that w
asn’t that hard.’
‘Oh but it was! I am just so worried about what people will think of me.’
‘Who?’ Kat was trying to read her eyes, they looked scared – not of the situation they now found themselves in – but of something else.
‘Everyone.’
She realised that this was not about her, it was about Freya. Freya’s issues had to be solved before theirs could be addressed. ‘But who in particular? Think about who is making you worried.’
‘I guess it is my parents mostly.’
‘So the person who worries you the most is the person you tell first.’
‘You see those words there fill me with the worst dread I could ever possibly imagine experiencing. I can’t do that. I can’t tell them.’
‘Why not?’
‘Because it would crush them. They would be devastated. They would be furious.’
‘You are their daughter and they will love you regardless. Yes they may be a bit shocked at first, but then they will get over it and you will start to feel comfortable being who you truly are; and then you and Bea can go public.’ Kat smiled. ‘The bottom line is if you are sure you are gay then you will have to tell them eventually, so why not get it done and then you can start living your life properly; your life, not theirs.’
Freya was so thankful that she had Kat. She also knew that they would not address their personal issue tonight but did not mind, this suddenly seemed of a far greater importance. ‘But what do I say?’
‘You say “I’m gay.”’
‘Oh and then they smile and ask me what I want for tea?! Look I know my parents and I know how they will react.’
‘I must have got you wrong Miss Elton. I thought you had balls?!’
‘No, my parents will think I want balls! I can see how it will go, “Ok Freya so do you want a sex change now as well?” I just can’t believe it will be that easy.’
‘I didn’t say it would be easy, but it will be right. This is the truth Freya, this is you and they have to live with it. It’s not like you have changed. You are still the same daughter they loved yesterday, but today they will know something else about who you are as a person.’