Black Regrets (A Kelly Black Affair Book 4)

by C. J. Thomas

I sucked in a deep breath. No matter how much that last thought hurt to think, I refused to cry.

  My thoughts were scattered, too excited to think after having Kelly surprise me with his arrival just before I was to deliver the package I was most nervous to distribute.

  I was close. Seconds away from walking into an unknown building, entering a sketchy situation. He could feel it. And so could I. And that left me overcome with worry as I wondered what else Kelly knew that I didn’t.

  I settled into my seat as Kelly pressed his foot down on the accelerator.

  It was no coincidence he was here at the exact moment of my arrival. Madam gave him the address for a reason. She wanted him to find me. But did she also want him to see who I was supposed to meet? Maybe that was her plan all along. I didn’t know. And now that I was thinking about the timing of Kelly’s rescue, I wondered if Madam had also arranged my brief visit with Angel, too.

  Lifting my hand to my shoulder, I twirled a lock of hair around my finger.

  My body was tired, my mind fatigued. But I couldn’t stop with the theories swirling around my brain.

  How much of what Angel warned me about was true? And was her warning the reason Kelly was also worried? It wasn’t that I thought one was lying while the other was telling the truth. In fact, I was convinced they both were telling the truth.

  But why?

  Why did Angel warn me to get out while I still could if Kelly was convinced she was someone who couldn’t be trusted? Who was Angel exactly and what role, if any, did she play in the death of Tonya? Because, just like Madam, Angel didn’t seem all that heartbroken when speaking of her death.

  And that was most disconcerting.

  I closed my eyes and breathed through the palpitations of my racing heart.

  Walking in Madam’s world, I was learning words were cheap and no one could be trusted.

  It was dark, dangerous, and risky.

  The moment we hit the smooth pavement of the highway, I was happy to be leaving the city’s industrial area. It felt dirty, crime ridden, and left me with little inspiration to want to carry on with my day. All I wanted was to go to Kelly’s and soak in a bubble bath, forget the fact that I’d failed to deliver Madam’s goods.

  Kelly shifted gears and sped diagonally to get into the fast lane.

  This wasn’t how I imagined escorting would be. I didn’t need the money. Not the money I delivered, or the extra cheese Madam topped off in my weekly deposits. And I certainly didn’t need the stress. But Mom’s question about what I did for a living had me questioning everything. My morals. If my ethics were skewed. And the longer I thought about it, the more I berated myself into believing what I was doing was in fact, wrong.

  Glancing to Kelly, a strange comfort released my flexed abs.

  If what I was doing was so wrong, why did it feel right to be with him?

  Kelly was quiet as he drove. The lines around his eyes were a cobweb of emotion. Just looking at him I knew there was a lot he was keeping from me. I was sure he had his reasons, but I couldn’t go forward with confidence without knowing myself.

  “Kelly, you need to tell me what’s going on,” I finally said in a firm, demanding voice. It was important I hid the fear bubbling up inside my chest—not needing him to worry about me any more than he already was. I knew he knew more about Tonya than he was saying. And I was certain that he also knew my life was in danger.

  Kelly shifted in his seat as his face reddened.

  “I can see it on your face.”

  He gave me a sideways glance.

  “You meant what you said, didn’t you?”

  His gaze fell to the stacks of bills I had since collected.

  “You’re afraid of losing me, I get it. But why?” My pulse increased. “Why are you afraid of losing me?”

  His grip tightened as he lowered his chin, focusing on the road in front.

  “What did you mean by that?” I persisted. “Am I in danger? Or have you looked at the calendar recently?” I grew more confused the further I questioned him. “How am I going to lose you, Kelly? Huh? Tell me. Because I would like some clarification myself.”

  His eyes rolled in my direction but his head didn’t budge.

  Sitting up in my seat, I strengthened my foundation just before saying, “Madam told me.”

  Tipping his head back, I watched his Adam’s apple slide up and down his throat.

  “Did she tell you, too?”

  He dropped the gear, shifting hard and pressing his foot down further on the accelerator. “When were you going to tell me about your family will?”

  I fell back into the door. Caught by surprise I blinked, hating that he could throw me so far off balance. “You shouldn’t have looked at that.”

  “Which parent is sick?” He shifted gears and held our speed up. “Is it your mother or father?”

  My lips parted and I was at a loss for words. “How—”

  He raised a brow and said, “You think you’re the only one Madam tells secrets to?”

  “She told you?” My brows squished into my nose. I was disgusted with the secrets and manipulation going on behind everyone’s backs. Feeling betrayed, I knew I shouldn’t have been surprised, but I was.

  Nodding, Kelly continued, “It doesn’t matter what Madam says.” He turned his head to look me directly in the eye. “You won’t be losing me.”

  Sincerity sparkled in his pupils, and in that moment I wanted to kiss him. But instead I said, “But that’s not what you meant, was it? You’re not worried about our contract. It’s something else, isn’t it?”

  He let out a heavy breath as his eyes drooped with pain. He didn’t have to say it, because I already knew it myself. Angel was right. If I didn’t do something now, I was going to die.

  “There is something I should have told you a long time ago,” I muttered.

  Kelly’s neck snapped in my direction. His eyes flashing with curiosity.

  “I saw Timothy Parker with Tonya at one of the deliveries I made last week.”

  Kelly’s eyes rounded.

  Then I proceeded to tell him everything. How I wasn’t supposed to know she was there. How when Tonya came running out, she stopped dead in her tracks looking to me for help with tears streaming down her cheeks. I told Kelly how I thought it was Emmanuel’s doing, but then that was when I saw the true culprit—Timothy Parker. “It was him, Kelly. He did this to her. I’m sure of it. You didn’t do anything.” I choked on my own words. “This is all Timothy’s fault.”

  “Are you sure it was him?”

  Nodding, I said, “I’m certain.”

  Kelly was quiet for a long while. I could only guess that he was processing everything that I’d told him, everything that had led us to be here today. Then, breaking the silence, he murmured, “That was the same day Madam was watching. She gave me the photos to blackmail him.”

  Shuffling my feet, I asked, “You’re looking for him, aren’t you?”

  Kelly’s brow wrinkled as he slowly began to nod.

  “I’m sorry, Kelly.” I reached over and set my hand on his thick thigh. “I know Madam set you up. But it isn’t your fault Tonya is dead.”

  Kelly’s jaw ticked. “Madam presented me with a way out.” He dropped his voice down to a whisper. “It was the only way.”

  I leaned over the console and took his face into my hand. Forcing him to look at me, his eyes were dark, ridden with regrets only he could understand.

  Kelly’s eyes narrowed. “And it got Tonya killed.”

  My heart thrashed in my ears but I stopped breathing. Exhaustion pulled me under and I just wanted this to be over with. Kelly wasn’t going to let this go. Not until he found Parker and believed that Tonya didn’t die for no reason. So I had to ask. “Where was Tonya’s body found?”

  Kelly peeled my hand off his face.

  I’d struck another nerve. My curiosity burned to know why women were getting picked off. Why they seemed to be connected to the people I associated with. And I
was dying to know if Maria’s death was somehow connected to Tonya’s.

  “Kelly, was her body found where Maria’s was found?”

  He lowered his gaze. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

  Shaking my head, I couldn’t let him go without first telling me what he knew. “First, Maria. Now Tonya? Who’s next? Huh?”

  He barely looked at me.

  “It’s me, isn’t it?” My hands were sweating. “You know that I’m next. That’s why you’re choosing to plead the fifth.”

  Kelly put on his blinker and exited the highway. “Did Angel make you believe that? That since two women I knew were killed, that you would be next?”

  I shrugged one shoulder. “But Madam didn’t do anything to convince me that I was safe, either.”

  Kelly breathed heavily through his nose. “I don’t know if the murders are related or not.”

  Sinking back into my seat, I hugged myself in an attempt to get warm. A cold shiver worked its way up my spine and my flesh prickled with goosebumps. Silence quickly settled between us, and in that moment I felt lonely—terrified to realize my future was as uncertain as when I’d left my parents’ home so many years before.

  And, worst of all, I didn’t know who, or where, to turn to make this all go away. Trouble followed Kelly since the beginning, and as much as I wanted it to go away, he needed me as much as I needed him. I couldn’t leave him to deal with this on his own. We were in this together. Thick. And thin.

  Peeling his hand away from the gear shift, I brought it into my lap. He squeezed and smiled. “Until I find Parker, I’m going to take full blame for getting Tonya killed.”

  By the time we reached his penthouse apartment, we were both in a somber mood. But before we left the confines of his vehicle I said, “I understand if you don’t want to stay here with me.”

  He gave me a questioning look.

  “You can go back home, to your main residence, if you think you need it.”

  His eyelids hooded. “There is nothing but painful memories and loneliness there.” He lifted his hand and threaded his thick fingers through my hair. “What I need now is you.”

  My lips brushed over his.

  Parting my mouth, I darted my tongue out so he could suck me into his mouth.

  He kissed me softly but, in a way, that convinced me that everything he’d said on our long ride home was true.

  Unbuckling myself, I pressed more of my weight against his hard body. Playing with his buttons, I began opening his shirt, working my way down to his belt.

  Suddenly, my hand grazed a metallic object getting me to freeze.

  Pulling back, I cast my gaze to the handgun tucked into his belt.

  Kelly grabbed me by the wrists and said, “It’s not what you think.”

  “Then tell me, counselor. What the fuck is it for?”

  20

  Kendra

  “Give it back.”

  He never saw it coming.

  But it had been on my mind since my eyes first landed on it.

  I had to have it.

  Leaving Kelly’s overly-bright eyes, I glanced down at the handgun I now held in my hands. It was heavier than I’d expected. Suddenly, I was overcome by fascination. Guns. They were powerful, and those who held them were even more influential.

  Kelly stepped forward, holding his hand out for me to give it back.

  But that wasn’t going to happen. Not without a fight. The polished silver caught the light and sparkled in my eye. Just the mere sight of it had me forgetting everything we’d discussed—the reasons I thought I was next to die.

  “Kendra,” Kelly’s voice was soft but demanding, “like I said in the car, it’s nothing to play around with.”

  I felt my lips curl at the corners as adrenaline kept me light on my feet. Kelly underestimated my desire to hold it, to know what it felt like to wrap my fingers around the handle. As soon as Kelly told me I couldn’t have it, he made the mistake of not putting it away sooner—I decided that it had to be mine.

  Kelly inched closer.

  I was well aware of his desire to get the gun back.

  But, since stealing it away, I had lost all inhibitions, knowing that I now held the keys to the questions I demanded answers to.

  Raising the muzzle, I pointed it at him.

  He clenched his jaw and held up his hands, showing me his palms. “What the fuck, Kendra?”

  Laughing, I pretended to pull the trigger and said, “Bang.”

  Kelly dropped his head to his chest and let out a heavy breath.

  Rounding my lips, I blew on the muzzle pretending there was smoke rising from the barrel. A sense of power washed over me. The fear in his eyes was nothing like I’d seen before. Kelly was human after all. Mortal like the rest of us. And that made me feel better about my own fears.

  “What’s gotten into you?” He clenched a fist.

  My chest was open and I felt free. Light on my feet, I raised the muzzle and pointed it at him again. This time shooting from the hip.

  “Kendra, really,” he pleaded. “That thing is loaded.”

  My eyes narrowed, the corners tightening as they glimmered with amusement. He had underestimated my need to know what it felt like to hold a gun. It was something I had never done before so when he said I couldn’t, I quickly developed a plan to steal it away from him.

  I’d kept my mind on it when strolling through the front lobby. Still, Kelly insisted that it wasn’t child’s play. I’d kept my eye on it as Kelly swiped his keycard to fetch the elevator, and I’d felt it pressing against my body as he ravaged me all the way inside his apartment. Thinking he was going to get laid, he never even saw it coming.

  “I want to shoot it,” I said.

  Shaking his head, he inched his way closer to me. “I’ll teach you.”

  “It can’t be that hard.” I cast my gaze to the gun, curling my index finger over the trigger.

  “It’s not.” His tone was truthful.

  I lifted my arms and brought both of my hands together—one gripping the handle, the other firmly placed on the butt of the weapon, just like I had seen in movies. Locking my arms at the elbow, I felt indestructible. Turning to my side, I closed one eye and aimed for the lamp on the opposite side of the room. “Like this, right?”

  “You’re holding it wrong.” He closed the gap between us. “Let me show you how.”

  With my ears perked, I counted his steps, aware of his every move. When Kelly stepped behind me, I watched his hands lift out of the corner of my eye and just as he was about to encase me inside his big strong arms, I scurried away before he had a chance to steal the gun back. “Oh, no you don’t mister.”

  Smart enough not to chase me, he folded one arm over his mid-section as he stroked his strong jawline with his free hand. Chuckling, he shook his head. “What do you want?”

  “For the gun?”

  He nodded.

  “You never did say.” One brow raised. “What the fuck is it for?”

  “It’s America.” He planted his hands on his hips. “I have it for protection.”

  “Am I in danger?” My voice cracked under the sudden weight of the question I was seeking an answer to.

  His eyes glanced to the gun. “With your lack of experience, yes. You’re in danger as long as you are holding that gun.”

  Clucking my tongue, I tsked him. “That’s not what I meant.” Pointing the gun at my head, I threatened, “Tell me or lose me forever.”

  His brows pinched and his eyes went wild as he reached out for me, begging me to put the gun down. “Kendra, that’s not funny. I’ll tell you anything. Just put the gun down!”

  I cocked the hammer with my thumb as my pulse ticked up a notch higher.

  “That fucking thing is loaded!” He shook his head as his wild eyes rounded to the size of golf balls.

  He loved me. I could see it in his eyes. He didn’t want to lose me. And, without having to hear him say it, I knew that he would do everything in his power
to make sure that I remained out of harm’s way.

  Dropping the gun away from my pulsing temple, I turned it back on him. “You shouldn’t be keeping secrets from me.”

  “What the fuck do you want?” His teeth grinded as he held his palms up in the air. “I tell you everything. You know that.”

  Shaking my head, I said, “Not. Everything.”

  “Bella.” He tilted his head to the side. “The things you call secrets, I call protection. It’s for your own good. You know that I wouldn’t let you get hurt.”

  Lowering the gun, I felt my heart begin to race. My chest heaved as a sudden burst of anger rushed through me. Tossing the gun to the couch, I charged across the room. Running at top speed, I slammed my hands into his chest.

  Kelly stumbled back, catching me in his arms. “It’s all right, baby.”

  I stepped forward and pushed him again. “It’s not all right,” I cried.

  Worry lined his brow.

  “Women are being murdered.” My chin trembled. “And I’m going to lose you.”

  “You’re not going to lose me.” Kelly pulled me into his chest, but I refused to be comforted by him.

  “You can’t promise me that.” I rapped my fists against his chest. “It’s not our choice.”

  He caught my wrists, his nostrils flaring. The way he was looking at me, I knew he understood what it was I was saying. If Madam was generous enough to allow us to continue being a couple, then it would be some other outside force threatening to break us apart. And if it wasn’t that, then it would be someone trying to end my life to get back at Kelly for something he did.

  “What do you want from me?” he said.

  “I want you to hit me.”

  His wild eyes darted across my face.

  “C’mon. Hit me,” I pleaded. “Show me how much you care.”

  Digging the tips of his fingers into the insides of my wrists, I felt my own fingers begin to tingle. “What the fuck has gotten into you?”

  Thrashing against him, my knees gave and my body went limp. He kept me from collapsing to the floor as the ceiling spun overhead. Him hitting me was the only way to rid me from this pain ballooning inside my chest. I needed him to take my mind off of the future, away from the fears of death, and bring me back to living in the now.