If I Can't Have You (Mills & Boon Spice)

by BETH KERY

  “I will,” Colleen said firmly when Deidre wavered. “The second you call. And after everything is settled, I really want you to consider coming back to Harbor Town with me.”

  “I can’t even go that far in my mind, right now. I’m already feeling overwhelmed with the fact that I’m losing Linc when I just found him. He’s the second father Mom stole from me,” Deidre whispered.

  Her heart squeezed in her chest when she heard a muffled sob through the receiver.

  Colleen wanted to weep, too. She loved Deidre. She loved her mother, even though she knew Brigit had made a terrible mistake in lying about Deidre’s paternity. She wanted to knit things back together between mother and daughter, and knowing that it was beyond her control hurt. It hurt a lot.

  It was all such a mess.

  She stayed on the phone a while longer, trying her best to bring Deidre comfort. When she did eventually hang up, she sat curled up in the corner of Eric’s couch, feeling lost. She wasn’t sure how long she sat there, feeling miserable. The next thing she knew, Eric was coming down next to her and his arms were surrounding her.

  She lost control at his touch. For some reason, his compassionate, strong embrace made the dam break. She sobbed with emotion. She’d held so much inside of her since that night last summer when she’d heard her mother’s confession about her affair with Lincoln DuBois and her subsequent pregnancy with his child—Deidre. It bewildered her, this upsurge of emotion. Sadness, worry, hurt and anger swelled and spilled to the surface. Eric didn’t say anything but just held her and made soothing noises. When her storm began to recede, however, Colleen knew she had to offer some kind of explanation. He stood to get her a box of tissues.

  “I’m sorry. Here I go again. You really must think I’m a basket case,” she mumbled, wiping off her cheeks with the tissue he offered her.

  “I don’t think that at all.” He sat down next to her again on the couch and put his arms around her. He’d pulled on a clean T-shirt and jeans before he came downstairs. The clean cotton smelled good when she pressed her cheek against it. He stroked her back. “Who were you talking to? Are the kids okay?”

  Colleen realized he’d noticed her cell phone sitting on the couch cushion next to her. “I was talking to my sister, Deidre,” she whispered.

  “Is she okay?” he asked, concerned.

  “She’s fine. It’s…Lincoln DuBois. He’s dying.”

  “The family friend? The one she’s visiting in Lake Tahoe? Natalie told me something about it. Isn’t he the DuBois of DuBois Enterprises?”

  Colleen swallowed thickly. She’d shared so much with him in the past few days. Somehow, lying to him given their new closeness felt wrong. Very wrong. She lifted her head and met his stare.

  “Yes. Lincoln DuBois isn’t just an old friend of my mother’s,” she whispered. “He’s Deidre’s biological father. That’s what Liam and Natalie discovered last summer, when they investigated the reason Derry was so upset on the night of the crash. My father had encountered some medical information about Deidre that made him suspect she couldn’t be his biological daughter. He confronted my mother about it on the afternoon of the accident, and my mother had admitted the truth about her affair with DuBois and her suspicion that Deidre was his child. That’s why my father got so drunk that night…the night he killed your mother and injured Natalie.”

  Eric’s stroking hand stilled on her back. His expression looked flat…incredulous. The sound of the furnace turning on interrupted the thick silence.

  “Deidre is out there in Tahoe with none of us there. She just told me DuBois is near death. She’s losing another father, just when she got to know him, and she’s so angry at my mom…and there’s nothing I can do.” She broke at the last, a fresh convulsion of grief tearing through her. Eric tightened his hold on her while she wept.

  “I thought about telling you before,” Colleen said, lifting her head off his chest and straining to compose herself.

  “Why didn’t you?” he asked.

  She shrugged. “Embarrassment?” More tears spilled down her cheeks, and she wiped them away impatiently. “I used to think my parents were the perfect couple, but in the background, in secret, all this drama was taking place, and it’s so…tawdry,” she spit out. “It’s bad enough that the crash happened…that you lost your mother, and Mari lost her parents, and Natalie went through all that pain. But the reason behind it is so shameful.”

  Her gaze flickered over him. He looked sober as a judge. He inhaled slowly, and she found herself on pins and needles, wondering what he would say. He placed his hands on her jaw, tilting her face so she was forced to meet his stare.

  “I understand why you didn’t want to tell me at first.”

  “You do?”

  “You must be torn up by this. Of course you’re not going to be shouting it out to every stranger who walks by. I imagine it’ll take a while for you and your family to sort all this out. But believe this,” he said firmly. “You have nothing, nothing to be ashamed of. You had as much control over your parents’ actions as I do.”

  “I know,” she said honestly. “But that’s how it is with family. You share the burden of the guilt. It’s hard to just let it go. It’s not that easy, especially when I see how their mistakes have affected people in the here and now…people like you, and Natalie and Deidre. How can an act of infidelity have such far-reaching consequences?”

  He leaned down and kissed her lips tenderly. “You aren’t the responsible one. You can’t control other people’s fates, Colleen. I understand that the truth can be sad, and that it can hurt, but it’s not in your power to change it.” She looked into his eyes and saw his compassion, but also just a hint of a challenge. “Remember how I said a while back that you and I are a lot alike?”

  She nodded.

  “I know it’s hard for you relinquish control in a situation like this, to admit that you can’t be the one to make everything better. That’s why you’re so good at your job, because you don’t give up on your patients. You keep fighting. Just like I do for mine. But sometimes, you have to be able to admit that you can’t control things. People we care about are going to get hurt, and they’re going to make mistakes. Sometimes people die, too,” he whispered hoarsely. “And you have to be able to let go, to admit you can’t play God and control their destiny.”

  She sobbed quietly. He was one hundred percent right. She was the nurturer of the family, the one who always smoothed things over and strove for harmony. At work, she hated admitting defeat with her patients and rarely did. Eric was right about something else. He really did understand her because they were similar in that way; they’d fought similar internal battles with accepting when things were beyond their control.

  He made a hushing sound and kissed the tears from her cheeks.

  “Will you do something for me?” he murmured.

  “Yes.”

  “Let go of it, Colleen. I know you can’t stop worrying about people. I know you can’t stop caring. But please…let go of the responsibility. Let go of the shame.” His face pinched slightly, as if he was pained. “I can’t stand to think of you holding on to it.”

  “I’ll try,” she said earnestly. “I will.”

  She leaned into him, suddenly needy for his heat. She sought out his mouth with her lips. While their mouths still clung in a kiss, he shifted her into his lap. A moment later, when he stood with her in his arms, they didn’t speak. There was no need to talk. Their gazes said it all.

  He carried her upstairs, laid her on his unmade bed and began to undress her. Colleen let him, even though she felt more naked and exposed than she ever had in her life.

  But more beautiful, as well, she admitted, taking in Eric’s gaze as it trailed down over her naked body.

  He stripped and came down next to her on the bed. He
kissed her everywhere, sanctifying her with his touch, cleansing her with the fires of desire. When his head settled between her thighs, she accepted his most intimate kiss, opening herself to him. She felt vulnerable, but she felt whole, as well. His lips and tongue worshipped her with an avid, concise prayer. It stole her breath, the pleasure he brought her. She cried out as bliss flooded her, fierce and distilled.

  He swallowed her whimpers with his kiss, their essences mingling. His possession was forceful and total, leaving her in little doubt that he’d been suffering the tortures of his own need while he’d brought her such sweet pleasure. He whispered in her ear roughly as their passion peaked, and she felt herself once again hovering on the precipice of climax.

  “That’s right. Let go. Give yourself to me.”

  She’d been so afraid of fully exploring the boundaries of her passion, afraid of what it would be like to fall from the lofty heights of ecstasy to the dark abyss of loss and betrayal. But in that moment, Colleen took a chance. She let go and leaped.

  Eric was right there with her, holding her, fusing with her, a full partner, sharing in the sensual storm.

  Chapter Twelve

  The next morning the snowstorm had stopped. They worked together to clear Eric’s driveway. She’d talked to Marc, and he’d said to expect him and the kids at around two o’clock that afternoon.

  Her weekend with Eric had been electric and vivid. All of her senses were peaked and sharp, as though she’d undergone a sensual awakening. But as she walked out the front door with Eric, she suddenly felt as flat and gray as the early December sky. It was time to return to her work and routine. She had no idea what the future would look like for her and Eric.

  They went to Sultan’s for breakfast, and Colleen couldn’t help but be struck by the difference between this meal with Eric and their first at the restaurant a few weeks ago. They both sipped their coffee and shared the Sunday paper, their hands clasped on the tabletop. Every once in a while, she’d glance up and catch Eric watching her. What was he thinking as he studied her so soberly? She hated the fact that while they appeared to be the very image of a content, sensually connected couple, her doubtful thoughts and annoying questions about where the relationship was going started to harp at her again.

  An hour later, Eric pulled into her driveway. He was due at the hospital within the hour in order to carry out a monthly mandatory shift in the emergency room. Neither of them spoke as he put the SUV in Park.

  “Thank you,” she said quietly. “It was a wonderful weekend.”

  “You hardly need to thank me, when I enjoyed it so much.”

  Colleen cleared her throat. Was it her imagination, or had the silence just become awkward…charged? All her doubts flooded to the surface. She opened her mouth, unable to stop herself from voicing a question about how he felt about the relationship on a go-forward basis. He spoke before she could, however.

  “Colleen…you’ve been so honest with me over the weekend,” he began. “I’ve appreciated that. I feel like I owe you a truth in return.”

  Her heart fluttered in her chest. “What?” His seriousness had set an alarm bell going off in her head.

  “It’s just…” He paused and stared out the front window, seeming uncertain how to phrase his words. “When I operated on Brendan, and then when Liam and Natalie announced they were getting married, I realized there was a certain opportunity available to me that hadn’t been there before.”

  “Opportunity?”

  His flickering gaze bounced off her face. “Yeah. I told you earlier this week that I’ve always been attracted to you. But because of our history, you’d put a barrier the size of the Great Wall of China between us. It was damn near impossible for me to get anywhere near you. Every time I tried to…”

  “Get me into bed?” she finished for him numbly when he faded off. His dark-eyed gaze met hers.

  “I’m not going to deny that I always wanted you. Every time I tried to get near you though, you erected another layer on your wall. You blocked me at every turn.”

  “So you used my son and the wedding to get what you wanted,” she clarified. She couldn’t believe she sounded so calm.

  “Well…yeah, but I wasn’t dishonest about anything. I think I made it pretty clear how interested I was.”

  “So why the need to confess?”

  He blinked at her quiet question. Her heartbeat now roared in her ears.

  “You always came off as so strong…so…impenetrable, like nothing could get to you. After last night,” he said gruffly, “I realized that was an illusion, though. I realized how hard it must have been for you to start up with me when you had so many doubts about a relationship since Darin died…and because of your discovery about what happened with your mom’s infidelity. It made me feel guilty.”

  “Why?” Colleen breathed out, dreading his answer.

  “Because when I started this thing, I considered it…I considered you…as sort of a…challenge,” he said abruptly. He averted his gaze when she just stared at him. “I’d always wanted you, and I never could think of a way to make it happen.”

  “A challenge,” she muttered through lips that had suddenly gone numb. Her hands and feet began to tingle uncomfortably. She couldn’t believe this was happening. She couldn’t believe he was saying these things when she’d taken such a risk in letting down her guard. “Oh my God,” she whispered.

  “What?” he asked, looking over at her sharply.

  “You called me a princess that day on Sunset Beach. You made it seem like you always considered me a…a…stuck-up witch. Is that the challenge you wanted?” she asked incredulously. “To put me in my place once and for all? Bed the bitch and show her who was really boss?”

  It was like the past few months had never occurred. They might have been standing alone on Sunset Beach all over again, Colleen vibrating with anger and angst over the fact that Eric Reyes had trumped her yet again. The silence rang in her ears. He looked stricken.

  “No! Of course not. Don’t jump to ridiculous conclusions.”

  “Ridiculous? You’re the one who just told me you maneuvered the circumstances…took advantage of me in order to get me into bed.”

  “I was trying to be honest and admit my intentions in the beginning. There’s nothing criminal about me wanting you, Colleen.”

  “You manipulated me,” she said in a low, shaking voice. Her whole body seemed to throb in pain. “You engineered all that stuff about us working together to convince Natalie and Liam they were being so impulsive and irrational about falling so fast for each other. The whole time you were probably sitting back and laughing over the fact that I was falling in love with you just as hard, just as rashly…just as stupidly.”

  His furious expression softened. “You were falling in love with me?”

  Her eyes went wide. She couldn’t believe she’d just said that. Talk about letting down her armor at the moment when the blows were raining down the hardest. Frustration overwhelmed her. It was so unfair, how he always managed to get under her skin…weaken her.

  “Don’t worry,” she grated out. “I’ve come to my senses. Thanks for helping me to see things again in such a rational light, Reyes.”

  “Colleen, wait,” he ordered, grabbing her hand, trying to halt her exit. “You’re completely misinterpreting what I’m trying to say. Let me finish, for God’s sake—”

  But she’d had enough. Enough of this hurt, enough of this risk…enough of her immense stupidity and naïveté for allowing herself to fall hopelessly in love with Eric Reyes.

  He’d done it all because she’d been a challenge. He’d dared himself to do the impossible…to melt the ice princess. Well, he’d succeeded.

  She shook off his hold, grabbed her bag and stumbled out of the SUV. The frigid outdoor air struck her
face like a much-needed slap of reality.

  Three days later, Colleen found herself knocking on the front door of the most grand and elegant mansion she’d ever seen. Crisp, cool alpine air, tall, majestic pine trees and snow-capped High Sierra Mountains surrounded her. Her trip to Reno and then Lake Tahoe had started last night, when Deidre had called with the sad news that her newly found father, Lincoln DuBois, had died. Colleen had prepared with a plan for the circumstances. She had plenty of vacation time she could take at work. She’d told her sister she’d be in Lake Tahoe by the next afternoon.

  It had done her good to be able to focus on something and someone other than herself. She still felt rattled by what had happened with Eric over the weekend, wounded by the realization of how her life had changed in such a short period of time. She’d fallen in love without ever giving herself permission to do so, and it was perhaps that realization that had left her reeling most of all.

  The trip to be with Deidre gave her something solid to focus on; something tangible and worthwhile, unlike her misguided love affair with Eric.

  She’d been glad to have the kids home and to return to her normal schedule. Unfortunately, Eric had called her on the same evening he’d dropped her off. She hadn’t answered it, since it was impossible to ignore the anger, hurt and bewilderment she was feeling at what had occurred between them.

  The next day, she was again forced to face the music when Brendan reminded her on the way to school that they were all going to be working on Lucy that evening. Since Colleen had granted permission for it last week, she couldn’t easily back out on her promise without calling attention to the fact that her and Eric’s relationship had altered over the weekend. So instead of letting the kids down, she called her mother and left a message explaining she’d have to work late that evening. She’d added that her mother should check with Eric about the plans, just to make sure he was still interested in having them. She’d stayed late at The Family Center, working on paperwork, feeling lonely and heartsore the whole time.