With an audible gasp, she skidded to a halt, her heart hammering in her chest as she spied the hunched figure of a man sitting with his back against the granite monument. Her mouth dry, she stood perfectly still, staring at him wordlessly for several seconds, wondering who on earth—
Slowly, the man raised his head, and immediately Emma recognized him.
“Sam…” she began, her initial reaction one of relief. She took a step toward him, but something in his expression stopped her at almost the same instant his voice cut her off.
“Go away, Emma,” he ordered, his tone harsh. “Just…go…away.”
Making no move to get up, he met her gaze unwaveringly. His pale face was streaked with tears, his eyes were bleak, his jaw set at a brook-no-argument angle. He was dressed in shorts and a T-shirt, both wet with perspiration, and his blond hair, also damp, stood away from his head in spikes. The way he sat, his forearms braced on his bent knees, there was an air of exhaustion about him—exhaustion and defeat.
Obviously, he had run all the way to the cemetery. Taking into account the things he’d said in the past, as well as the reasons for her own pilgrimage, Emma could understand why. He, too, had demons to face. He’d revealed that much the afternoon they’d been together in San Antonio.
That day, he had insisted her apology wasn’t necessary. But why? He had claimed he was responsible for Teddy’s death. How could that be true when he hadn’t been the one to cause the accident? She hadn’t been able to follow his reasoning then. But there had been no doubt in her mind that Sam believed it was true.
As he still must, she thought.
His current demeanor was all the evidence she needed. The miles he’d run to the cemetery had been meant as a kind of penance. Yet he still hadn’t been able to give himself absolution.
For what? she wondered once again.
“Didn’t you hear me, Emma? I said, go away,” he repeated angrily, glaring at her.
Crushed by his tone, she was tempted to obey him. But there had been a faint catch in his voice, an underlying, unmistakable wavering that drew her in spite of everything still standing between them.
Did he really want her to leave or was he silently, subconsciously willing her to stay?
Listen with your heart…trust what you hear, Margaret had told her. If you reach out to him, he will say what needs to be said….
Be brave…more than that, be bold….
Emma drew a deep breath, bracing herself for whatever was to come, and continued toward him.
“I heard you just fine, Sam,” she answered mildly. “But I’m not ready to leave yet.”
In the instant before he turned his face away, Emma saw a flash of panic in his eyes. She fully expected him to stand and try to stalk past her. Try being the operative word, since she was fully prepared to stick out her foot and trip him up short if that was what it took to keep him from running away again.
To her relief, however, Sam stayed where he was. Of course, he seemed determined not to look at her, or acknowledge her in any other way. But that she could deal with.
In fact, as far as she was concerned, he could pretend to be part of the headstone as long as he wanted. She intended to talk to him, regardless. Responsive or not, he wouldn’t have any choice but to hear what she had to say.
Clutching the bouquet of roses in one hand, she rested the other on the headstone for balance and sat down next to him. He glanced at her, his lips narrowed in a grim line, then turned his head away again.
“Remember that day in San Antonio when I tried to apologize for the things I said to you at the hospital after Teddy died?” she began, searching desperately for the right words, words that might rip open their wounds but in the process also allow them to finally begin to heal.
Sam said nothing, but sitting so close to him, Emma sensed his sudden tension.
“You told me not to berate myself,” she pressed on. “Well, I think it’s time you stopped berating yourself, too. You were not the one responsible for Teddy’s death. You just happened to be driving the car—”
“I did a hell of a lot more than just drive the car,” Sam snarled.
The fierceness of his tone caught Emma totally off guard, slamming into her with an almost palpable force. And when he faced her, the blazing pain in his eyes tore at her heart.
Suddenly, she found herself rethinking the wisdom of ripping open old wounds, then realized it was already much too late. She had started something Sam now seemed determined to finish.
“I was supposed to be taking my brother to the church. He suggested we go the long way. I didn’t put up any argument. I wasn’t in a hurry to get there myself. I hated the thought of watching you walk up the aisle and into his arms. I started teasing him. At least that’s what I tried to tell myself I was doing.”
He looked away for a long moment, his hands clenched into fists, his jaw working convulsively.
“Sam, you don’t have to—”
“I asked him if he was sure he wanted to tie himself down to a wife and family without ever having gone anywhere or done anything except teach high-school English in his hometown,” Sam continued as if she hadn’t spoken. “Then he asked me what I expected him to do—leave you standing at the altar? And I…I told him I could always take his place.
“All of a sudden, I wasn’t kidding around anymore and Teddy realized it. Realized I wanted you even though I had no right. You were his fiancée. You loved him and he loved you, and I knew it. But after that kiss…
“Even though you never said or did anything to lead me to believe it mattered to you the way it did to me…I just couldn’t leave well enough alone. And Teddy…oh, God, Teddy unbuckled his seat belt. He told me to let him out of the car just past the intersection. He said he could catch a ride back to the house, clear out his stuff and be gone before the service was over.”
Pausing again, Sam drew a deep, sobbing breath.
Too stunned by his revelations to speak, Emma simply stared at him.
“I told him not to be silly. I told him that you loved him. And then…and then…”
Unable to finish, Sam tipped his head back and closed his eyes as fresh tears trickled down his cheeks.
No wonder he had blamed himself all these years, Emma thought, her heart aching for him. He had thought that his teasing had been the ultimate cause of Teddy’s death. Teasing he had initiated not out of malice toward his brother, but because of his feelings for her.
But there were so many other factors involved. A drunk driver roaring through a stoplight. The obvious ambivalence Teddy had had about marrying her—an ambivalence she had always suspected but never mentioned to anyone. And, of course, her own failure to speak up.
Teddy would have never been in the car with Sam in the first place if she’d had the courage to follow her heart, and Sam had a right to know it.
All these years, he had believed he hadn’t had a valid reason for teasing Teddy. He’d thought the kiss they’d shared hadn’t meant anything to her. And he had suffered for it in ways she was only just beginning to realize.
But no more, she vowed, setting aside the bouquet of roses and scooting closer to him.
“Sam, listen to me,” she said softly as she reached out and traced the curve of his cheek with her fingertips. “There’s something you need to know.”
He flinched from her touch and tried to pull away.
“Emma, please, how many times do I have to ask you to go?” he demanded, his voice ragged. “You wanted answers. Now you’ve got them. So just…go away and leave me alone.”
“I’m not going anywhere until you hear what I have to say.” Taking his chin in her hand, she forced him to look at her. When he finally did so, his eyes were cold and distant, but she refused to let him put her off. “I loved Teddy deeply. But I didn’t want to marry him any more than he wanted to marry me. Unfortunately, we couldn’t admit it to anyone, including each other. We were the best of friends and occasionally we were lovers. But the physi
cal part of our relationship never seemed to be that important to him, and it certainly wasn’t ever that important to me.
“I’m not sure about Teddy, but being with him was comfortable for me. He made me feel safe and secure. I didn’t want to give that up. Even after you kissed me and I couldn’t deny any longer that…that you were the one who made me feel the way a bride was supposed to feel about her groom.
“I should have called off the wedding that afternoon, but I was too afraid. I didn’t want to give up the kind of life I thought I could have with Teddy for something so much more…uncertain.”
Tears blurring her eyes now, Emma clasped her hands in her lap and bent her head. She had seen the flicker of surprise in Sam’s eyes, and then she’d seen dismay. He had every right to despise her; she certainly despised herself. But she couldn’t bear to see him look at her with the scorn she deserved.
“I should have stopped the wedding,” she repeated quietly. “Then you and Teddy would have never been in the car to start with. So, you see, it all comes back to me, not you. If only I’d had the courage to speak up, he would still be alive today….”
Blinking rapidly, Emma tried to hold back her tears, but still they spilled onto her cheeks.
“Emma, please…don’t…” Sam murmured.
His arms went around her, shifting her, lifting her onto his lap, and she clung to him, weeping as she had never allowed herself to weep—for all the pain she had caused, for the dreams she had crushed, for the best friend she had loved and lost forever and for the man who held her now, rocking her gently, stroking her hair as he soothed her with tender words and kisses light as a butterfly’s wings.
After what seemed like a very long time, Emma’s tears finally began to subside, but she still hung on to him as the sky lightened and the birds started twittering in the trees. She didn’t know what else she could say, and the mere thought of leaving the shelter of his arms was more than she could contemplate.
“We didn’t really know him, did we?” Sam asked, brushing his lips against her forehead. “At least not the way we thought we did.”
“Maybe because he tried so hard to be what others thought he should be. Your mother said once that neither you nor Teddy had any real choice about the roles you played in the family, and she blamed herself for it.”
“That could have been true when we were younger,” Sam admitted. “But if Teddy was so unhappy, why didn’t he speak up? Once he finished college, he could have done anything he wanted. My mother wouldn’t have stood in his way, and I don’t think you would have, either.”
“He never said anything to me, ever, about wanting a different kind of life someplace else. Maybe leaving Serenity was as hard for him to consider as staying was for you.”
“The hell of it is, he always seemed so content to me. Of course, I wasn’t around all that much, so there’s a good chance I was mistaken. I only just realized how many books he had about traveling to foreign countries—posters, too, plus all the postcards I sent him from the places I’ve been.”
“He seemed content to me, too, and I was always around,” Emma replied, as much at a loss as Sam seemed to be.
“Could we have only imagined that?”
“I hope not. His life was so short, and he was so good-hearted. He truly deserved to be happy during the time he had here.”
“Speaking of good-hearted, he would probably be pretty upset if he could see us now, tearing ourselves apart over him,” Sam said, slipping a finger under her chin and tipping her face up so that she met his searching gaze.
“You’re right,” Emma agreed, a gentle smile lifting the corners of her mouth as she remembered just how sweet and kind and how very careful of others’ feelings Teddy had always been. “He would have been appalled at the agony we’ve caused ourselves all these years.”
“I’m not proud of what I did, but I never meant him any harm, Emma.”
Still holding her gaze, Sam cradled her face in his hands, his thumbs stroking away the last of her tears.
“I know, Sam. I didn’t, either. But we lost him anyway.”
“And each other…” he murmured, his eyes shadowed with sorrow.
“For a while, at least.” Reaching up, she touched his cheek.
“Yes, for a while.”
Putting his arms around her, he drew her close again, and Emma nestled against his chest gratefully.
“Poor Teddy. He must be sitting up in heaven, shaking his head at the two of us,” Sam continued.
“Actually, knowing Teddy, he’s probably wishing he could knock our heads together—just to get our attention so he could tell us to get on with our lives,” Emma said, smiling once again. “He never did have any patience with people who insisted on wallowing in regret.”
“Do you think we can?” Sam asked, his arms tightening around her almost imperceptibly. “Do you think we can get on with our lives after everything that’s happened?”
“I think we owe it to Teddy to at least give it a try. He wouldn’t begrudge us finding a little happiness.”
“Together…?” Sam murmured hesitantly.
Leaning against him, Emma felt the way he tensed as he spoke the single word. He seemed almost afraid to voice that particular thought aloud. As if he were still unsure of her feelings for him despite all she’d said.
Of course, she had used the past tense when she’d admitted that she’d refused to follow her heart four years ago. Maybe he thought she had stopped loving him during the time that had passed since then.
Sitting back so she could meet his gaze, Emma put her hand on his cheek again.
“I would like that, Sam,” she said. “I would like very much for us to be together.”
Threading her fingers through his hair, she urged him closer and brushed her lips lightly over his. He hesitated a moment more, his eyes searching hers. Then he bent his head and kissed her, his mouth claiming hers only briefly, but with such passion he took her breath away.
When he raised his head again, he hugged her to him for several long seconds, murmuring her name, a lingering hint of disbelief in his gruff voice. Finally, his reluctance evident, he loosened his hold on her.
“I should go back,” he said. “I didn’t expect to be gone so long, so I didn’t leave a note for my mother. She’ll be up and around soon, if she’s not already, and I don’t want her to worry.”
Suddenly aware of her surroundings once again, Emma realized that the sun had begun its climb over the eastern horizon. The full light of a new day would be upon them soon. A day that brought with it the chance to hope and dream anew.
“Want a lift? Or would you rather jog back?” she asked, glancing up at him teasingly.
“A lift would be nice. As long it’s not too far out of your way,” he teased back, helping her to her feet with a minimum of awkwardness, then standing, too.
“Not at all.” She brushed a few bits of grass off her skirt and ran a hand through her hair in a vain attempt to smooth her errant curls. “Why don’t you give me a minute and I’ll be right there. The car’s open.”
With a nod of understanding, Sam left her alone by Teddy’s grave. She watched for a moment as he retreated, then turned back to the headstone. Kneeling again, she picked up the abandoned bouquet of roses and put it in the small metal container embedded in the grass. Against the dark gray granite, the pale yellow blooms looked radiant.
Emma smiled sadly, missing her friend as much as she ever had. She and Teddy had shared so many joyous moments, moments that would always remain dear to her heart.
But they had also made their fair share of mistakes. Sam, too, for that matter. Understandable—since they’d only been human—and unchangeable. What was done was done. As she’d told Sam, however, Teddy would have wanted them to get on with their lives, to finally find a little happiness.
“I love you, Teddy, and no matter what, I always will,” Emma whispered.
Overhead, a gust of wind rustled through the tree branches, and a sin
gle oak leaf, fresh and green, drifted down to land in her lap. Smiling, she picked it up, then glanced skyward.
“Thanks, friend. I needed that.”
Feeling as though a great weight had been lifted from her heart, she rose again, tucked the leaf in her pocket and turned to join Sam where he waited by the car.
“Are you okay?” he asked, his concern for her obvious.
“Yes.” She went to him, and without the slightest hesitation, put her arms around him. “I’m just fine.”
“Good.” He drew her close, holding her quietly for a few moments before adding, “Ready to go home, then?”
“Ready.”
They made the drive to Margaret’s house in a companionable silence Emma appreciated. They had said so much, shared so much, at the cemetery. She needed a little time to collect herself, and she imagined Sam did, too.
Together, they had laid to rest the demons from their past, and together, they had expressed their hopes for the future. Hopes that seemed similar. But were they really? she wondered. She supposed only time would tell.
Emma had intended to drop Sam off, then go back to her house. But when she pulled into the driveway, he turned to her and, reaching out, tucked a curl behind her ear.
“Can you stay?” he asked.
She didn’t question why he wanted her there. Just knowing that having her nearby was important to him was all the reason she needed to agree.
“Sure. I’ll put on a pot of coffee while you go up and take a shower.”
“I think my mother has already beat you to it.”
He gestured toward the porch where Margaret stood, smiling indulgently, a steaming mug in her hand.
“I see you two have been up and about for a while,” she said as they joined her.
“We sort of…happened upon each other,” Emma explained, giving her a hug.
She refused to go into any great detail. The time she and Sam had spent together at the cemetery was too personal to discuss. But then, from the knowing look in her friend’s eyes, she probably didn’t have to. She had a feeling Margaret knew exactly where they’d been and why, and that she understood.
The Major and the Librarian Page 16