by C S Allen
[pe1]Is this one word or two?
[pe2]In a place like this, there would definitely be mouse droppings too. Which is a detail the girls would freak out about.
[pe3]What kind of tools are these?
[pe4]What about the raccoon? Wouldn’t she be scared it was still out there?
[pe5]What does this sound refer to? Did she hit something?
[pe6]Where did the canoe come from? The last scene with Steve was him swimming with Olivia. There’s been no mention of a canoe before now.
[pe7]Shooting with the window closed will only break the window….
[pe8]Wouldn’t they be stale?
[pe9]Emma is dead.
[pe10]How does he know this guy’s name?
[pe11]What is happening to him so he knows he’s having an allergic reaction?
[pe12]Wouldn’t she have started showing some symptoms by now? After all, John showed symptoms right away and Olivia was bitten before he was.
[pe13]He left the room.
[pe14]When did this happen? You should add this to the scene where it took place.
[pe15]He should be allowed one phone call too.
[pe16]Nice change!
[pe17]Good, this explains this better.
[pe18]He can’t have an uncle if Aunt Kelly and his mother were the only offspring. I changed this so the gun is passed down to Aunt Kelly.
[CA19]The aunt was married so will could of had an uncle
[pe20]This doesn’t make sense if the grandfather used the gun in WWII, then he wouldn’t have bought it after the war.
[pe21]Wouldn’t Tom, if he survived being shot at, have gotten rid of the spider carcass so there’d be no evidence? After all, the government doesn’t want anyone to know that they have these spiders.
[pe22]I took all this out because the house is not completely burned down, so he could have access to the key. Maybe it’s in his pocket or just inside the front door on a hook or a little table.