He pushed my t-shirt up and kissed the tops of my breasts, his tongue stealing a little taste here and there. Then he was nibbling at my hardened nipples, tugging them into his mouth and doing things that made me arch my back and moan again. But he didn’t stay there long. He moved on, his hot kisses weaving and bobbing over my belly, his tongue stealing a taste of my navel, his hands tugging at my jeans as his fingers sought the depths of me, that place that so desperately wanted his touch.
I wanted him.
I know that seems obvious. I know that everyone says they need the man who turns them on at the moment. But it was more than that. There was this connection that his touch seemed to bring to life, something about the way his touch spoke to my soul that made me almost desperate to feel him, to be close to him. I wanted him in a way I’d never understood the definition of the word.
He tugged my jeans over my hips, and his hand cupped me, the pressure like a soothing balm on a burn. It felt so good, at first. But then I needed more, needed so much more. He seemed to know that. But, at the same time, he seemed eager to make me wait. He kissed my inner thigh, taking a deep breath of the musky smells that lived there. Then he kissed my other thigh, his teeth nipping like a puppy who hasn’t quite learned yet that biting is undesirable. Rather than pain, his nips sent more and more waves of need through my body, waves that came to concentrate themselves in my clit. I needed his touch like I needed my next breath.
When he began to tug my panties away, I thought my heart might shatter with the anticipation. At the same time, the uncertainty that came with inexperience wagged its ugly head. I pressed my thighs together almost unconsciously, blocking him from what it was I wanted just as much as his confused glance told me he did. I sat up and kissed him, trying to remind myself that this was my husband, this was the man I wanted. But that instinct…
“I want you,” he whispered against my lips.
Again, the melt, the puddle that was once my muscles, my nerves, my sanity. And his hand touched me in a place no one else had ever gone. Pleasure burst through me, threatening to take even the tiny bit of reality that was left. But my thighs betrayed me again by pressing together, holding him hard against me, but refusing him further entry.
“Riley,” he said, confusion in his voice as he pulled back to look at me. There must have been something in my eyes, something in my expression, whatever it was brought understanding to his eyes.
He nodded just slightly and slowly pulled his hand away.
“It can wait.”
“No, Miles. I want to. I’m just—”
“It shouldn’t be like this, Riley. You don’t want your first time to be with some asshole who’s only using you because he’s hurting.”
“I don’t care.”
“But I do.”
He kissed me, that need igniting inside of me again. But then he pulled away, tugging my jeans back into placing and pulling me against his chest as he wrapped his arms around me. He held me, his breathing slowly returning to normal. We just lay there for a long time, my cheek against his chest, his chin resting on the top of my head. I don’t know who started it, but we began to talk, and we talked for a long time, laughing from time to time, sharing secrets and stories that didn’t matter but meant everything. We got to know each other in a way we might never had if not for that night, for those circumstances.
That’s where we were when the call came.
Chapter 13
The funeral was a private affair. The priest had very kind words to share about Elena, stories that might have made me smile if I’d heard them under different circumstances. She sounded like the kind of woman I would have liked to have known. I felt a little cheated to have only known her for the few short hours I did.
Miles was stoic, refusing to show the burden I knew he was carrying. He cried when Lila called. Silently. Painfully. I had to take the phone out of his hand and reassure Lila that he was not alone, that he would be okay. But I didn’t really know that. The tears disappeared almost as quickly as they came, and he threw himself into the planning, into what came next. His mother had time to arrange her own funeral, but there was a reception to be planned and dealt with. Joan flew in and took over most of the details. But there was plenty of work to go around and Miles was determined to take on more than his share.
He was back to not talking to me. He wouldn’t even look me in the eye in the rare moments we found ourselves alone. However, he kept me close, clinging to my hand like it was the only thing that kept him anchored. That’s where I was now, clutching his hand, leaning into him so that he knew I was there, so that he knew I was willing to shoulder as much of the burden as he would allow.
The priest finished speaking. Silence fell over the cemetery with the exception of Lila’s sobs. Keegan held her close, whispering soft words against her ear as she tried to control her grief. Jackson stared at the coffin for a long moment, then turned away, walking toward the cars as though he was done with the entire scene. Robert and Claire stood back from the rest of us, Claire the only splash of color in this gray day in a red cashmere dress. I’d caught her stealing glances at Miles all through the ceremony, pain all too obvious in the lines of her perfect face. I wondered briefly if Miles knew she was still in love with him. If Robert knew. But then I decided, in the bigger picture of this day, it didn’t really matter.
As though by some cue I didn’t hear or see, Lila and Miles moved up to the coffin, placing the roses they’d been holding since leaving the house on top of the smooth, walnut surface. Miles pulled his sister close to him and whispered something in her ear. She smiled despite the tears still rolling uncontrolled down her cheeks. Robert joined them and, for once, Miles didn’t turn away. In fact, he stood between his siblings and held them both for a long second. Then he turned away, his face a mask of strength he felt he had to show. He walked past me, grabbing my hand almost as an afterthought.
The ride back to the house was quieter and more somber than anything I’d ever experienced, even compared to the ride to the hospital after Miles got the call. Once again, I felt like an unwelcome observer to a private family drama, an intruder into the life of a man who didn’t appreciate such invasions. He never pushed me away and never asked me not to be around, but he didn’t invite me in either.
I wanted to make things better for him. I just didn’t know how.
There were cars already spilling out of the long driveway of the Thorn mansion. The limo carrying us had to maneuver between parked cars to let us out at the front door. There were people everywhere inside the house, almost like the party thrown in Miles and my honor five days ago. Joan was just inside the entryway, welcoming people and directing them to the right rooms. She was quiet, respectful, but her eyes filled with pain when they fell on each of Elena’s children. Especially Miles. I remembered what he’d said about her, about how he’d had a crush on her when he was a small child. I could see that the depth of affection, while not romantic in nature, was clearly mutual.
“Your father’s out on the veranda,” she said. “He asked that you join him when you arrived.”
I wanted to help. I could see the wait staff hired through a catering company was overwhelmed by the number of mourners and that the regular staff was not keeping up with trash and dishes and coats tossed over furniture. I felt like I would be more useful if I went to the kitchen and helped organize the appetizers that were coming out on trays or checking on the supply of liquor being consumed by the tumblerful. But when I stood to pick up a plate discarded by a woman who’d come to express her condolences to the family, Miles grabbed my hand and pulled me back down into the narrow loveseat we shared. So I stayed.
I heard more stories than I could have imagined a person could tell about another. Stories of Elena’s kindness, of her generosity. Stories of her as a young woman, of her as a young wife, of her and her children. It was overwhelming the things I heard. I can only imagine how hard it was for her husband. For her children.
Miles
barely spoke all afternoon. He nodded when someone spoke to him, whispered thanks more than a dozen times. But he never offered anything that wasn’t requested first. He was polite, but silent, lost in his own thoughts. And he held my hand so tight through it all that my fingers were numb even hours after he let it go.
It felt like the reception lasted forever. But, really, most of the mourners were gone within a few hours. Joan stepped out onto the veranda when the last of the people had gone, the confidence I’d always associated with her disappearing as she stepped in front of Jackson Thorn.
“I’ll take care of the cleanup,” she said. “You should go up and rest.”
“I’ll help you,” Miles said.
Based on the animosity so obvious between them since the night of the party, I expected Jackson to refuse. He didn’t even acknowledge Miles’ words, but he didn’t move away when Miles slipped his hand under his father’s arm and led the way inside.
I watched them go, then stood and began gathering the dirty dishes scattered on the glass table tops and in the seats of the chairs.
“You don’t have to do that,” Joan said.
“I want to help.”
I continued to gather the trash even as Joan assessed me with that thoroughness I’d squirmed under during our first meeting, that ill-fated job interview that introduced me to Miles and opened the door that brought me here. I’m not sure if she found me as wanting as she had on that occasion, but she shook out a trash bag and opened it for me.
We worked methodically across the veranda and into the sitting room while Lila, Robert, and their spouses continued to sit quietly and live in their grief. I glanced at them from time to time, once again wanting to do something to make them feel better, but unable to think of anything that wouldn’t just make things worse. I wondered, as I had off and on these five days, if this was what it was like after the car accident that took my parents’ lives. I was too young to remember. I have vague flashes of memory—the flashing lights, the hospital, the sense of missing something—but nothing concrete. At the moment, I was kind of glad I couldn’t remember.
“He’s going to need you.”
I looked up. Joan was standing across the room from me, gathering glasses on a tray, her back to me. I thought for a moment she wasn’t talking to me. But then she glanced at me over her shoulder.
“He thinks he’s strong enough to handle this on his own, but he’s not. No one is.”
I set down the pile of plates I’d gathered. “He won’t talk to me.”
“He does that. He holds it all in until he just explodes, usually in anger. He’ll need you to be there to pick up the pieces when he does.”
“I don’t know if I know how to do that.”
“You’ll figure it out. This is what love is about, Riley. This is what marriage is about.”
I looked around me, at the mountain of trash we had yet to get to, at the family portraits that were a reminder of what this family lost, of the part of the family that still waited on the veranda for the return of the beloved matriarch who would never return, and I knew she was right. But this wasn’t what I’d signed on for. This wasn’t part of the deal Miles and I made. Yet, I still felt an overwhelming need to be there for him. I just wasn’t sure he wanted me there.
“Get out!”
The scream seemed to reverberate throughout the house, even though it came from the top of the stairs. Joan and I both rushed to the foot of the stairs, Lila, Robert, and Keegan not far behind. Miles was at the top of the stairs, staring back at something we couldn’t see. But we could hear.
“Get out of my house! The only reason I allowed you to remain for so long was because it was what she wanted. But she’s gone now. I don’t want you here.”
Miles spoke, but his words were so low we couldn’t hear them.
Joan looked at me, urging me to go up to him with a slight flick of her eyebrows. I hesitated, again feeling like a witness to something I was never meant to see. But then I looked at him, at the sloop of his shoulders that suggested the huge burden he was carrying, and my feet seemed to have a mind of their own. I was behind him before I realized I was moving, my hand resting lightly on the small of his back.
Jackson’s face was reddened, his hands balled into fists. He stood a few feet back, just outside the open doors of the master bedroom. A photo of Elena and a young, but unmistakable, Miles lay inside its broken frame just inside the doorway.
“You walked away from us,” Jackson said, his words dripping with anger and resentment, but something else, too. A little hurt, maybe. “We don’t need you now.”
“She wanted me to take care of you.”
“I don’t need you.”
“Mr. Thorn,” I said, stepping forward a few feet, “will you let me clean up that glass? I wouldn’t want anyone to get hurt.”
He glanced back as though he wasn’t aware of the broken picture frame. Then he focused on me, tears forming in his eyes. It was then that I could finally see the broken man that had been hiding inside of his proud, aristocratic façade these last few days. I could see how torn by grief he was. At this moment, he was a seventy-something man who’d just lost the love of his life and who felt betrayed by his children. He was a man who was suffering.
I gently took his arm and led him back into the bedroom, carefully guiding him around the broken glass.
“You should lie down,” I said softly, speaking to him as I would one of my aunts when they were upset. “It’s been a long day.”
“I miss her,” he said. “She wasn’t supposed to go first.”
“I know.”
I helped him into the already turned down bed, helping him lay back against the pillows. He was exhausted, his eyes closing the moment he was settled. His breathing changed quickly, whatever argument he’d had with Miles already forgotten. I held his hand for a moment, patting it gently as he settled into a deep sleep. When I finally disengaged myself and turned, Joan and Lila were kneeling just inside the doorway, cleaning up the mess. I grabbed a small trashcan near the bed and took it to them, watching as they dropped the pieces of glass inside.
“Thank you,” Lila said as she stood.
I just nodded as I looked around her to find Miles, but he was no longer standing in the hallway.
“Go to him,” Joan said.
I didn’t hesitate. I rushed down the hallway, turning that way and this, just as I’d done the first night we arrived, following Miles through a maze I thought I’d never be able to navigate on my own. But I did, and I found him in the green room, tossing clothing into his suitcase with no concern to organization. I watched for a moment, then went to the closet and began packing my own bags.
He glanced at me without speaking, or even slowing his movements, but there was gratitude in that simple look.
Chapter 14
The flight home was uneventful. Like before, we flew on a private jet. Miles held my hand silently through the takeoff and landing but spent the rest of the flight buried in emails and paperwork on his laptop. I curled up beside him and tried to concentrate on a novel I’d been reading for what felt like months, but unable to really get into the plot. I mostly just stared out the window at the heavy clouds that followed us from Massachusetts to Texas.
The house felt different when we walked through the door. Smaller, but cozier than I remembered. More like home than it had felt the entire four months I’d spent alone there. I called my aunts while Miles took our luggage upstairs, happier than words could express to hear their familiar voices. And I texted Lisa. I guess I just needed to check in with the people I loved, to reconnect in the wake of these long, dark days.
I’m not much of a cook, but I can open a can like no one else. I warmed up some soup and made toast, taking a tray up to the master bedroom for Miles. The door was open, and he was sitting on the end of his bed staring at a photograph when I tapped on the doorjamb.
“You need to eat.”
“So do you.” He dropped the photo face
down on the bed and came toward me, slipping the tray out of my hands. “Let’s go downstairs and eat at a table like normal people.”
I led the way, and we settled in the kitchen in a small nook by the bay windows that overlooked the front drive. The soup was salty, but it was better than anything else I could have thrown together. We ate in silence for a few minutes. Then he cleared his throat—even as he continued to stare out the windows.
“Thank you for what you did for my father.”
“I was just trying to help.”
“And you did. You got him settled in a way I couldn’t.”
“I’m sorry for what he said to you. He was just grieving.”
“I know. But he wasn’t completely wrong.”
Miles picked up a piece of toast, but he just shredded it between his fingers. I watched, trying to be patient. I didn’t want to force him into telling me something he didn’t want to share. Yet, I so desperately wanted to know what he meant that I was afraid to frighten him out of saying it, too.
“I did run away. I abandoned my family at a time when I really shouldn’t have. And when I found out my mom was sick, I should have gone back. But I screwed up and I was afraid of facing the consequences of that.”
“Whatever you did, it couldn’t have been that bad.”
“It’s not so much what I did. It’s what I refused to do.”
I studied him, trying to read between the lines, trying to figure out what he was talking about. But I couldn’t begin to guess.
“Thank you,” he said.
“You already thanked me.”
“No. Thank you for going there with me. For staying when everything fell apart. For being at the funeral today. It couldn’t have been easy for you.”
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