“Oh, I told you Shakespeare was in love with you,” Henry rolled his eyes.
“Shut up,” my face was hot now.
“He’s right,” Shakespeare grinned. “I’ve had a mad crush on you since day one, Ava. You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen and in any other circumstances, I would chase the hell outta you until you agreed to be mine. But seeing as how we’re both crazy, and my condition is most probably incurable, I’m not meant to chase after you in this lifetime.”
I began giggling uncontrollably then, blushing even more and unable to look at either one of them. This had a ripple effect because the two of them began laughing as well.
“Oh, I don’t know how I would’ve survived this place without the two of you,” I said, after I’d finally stopped laughing. “Thanks for being so good to me.”
“You sound like you’re giving us a farewell,” Henry said.
“Julianne told my mom we were going to be having some sort of meeting tomorrow afternoon,” I leaned forward and spoke quieter. “I don’t know why and Julianne didn’t mention anything to me about it. She told my mom she thinks I’m improving a lot, but what if she was lying? What if she wants to move me to a different ward or something because of…” But I couldn’t finish. Surely Julianne would never make me switch wards or hospitals just because of Conner.
“Is that even legal?” Shakespeare asked. “No, no, she couldn’t do that. Surely she wouldn’t do that.”
“Shake’s right,” Henry said. “Julianne may be a little angry because of the ‘relationship’ the two of you have formed, but she would never stoop to such petty levels as to transfer you somewhere else.”
“I hope you’re right,” I sighed.
I sat in my room later that night when I received another unexpected visitor.
“Conner!” I exclaimed, as he entered the room. I quickly shoved my Tyson box under my bed and got up from the floor where I’d been sitting.
“Hello again,” he said, politely. “I see you opened your gift. Do you like it?”
“Yeah, it’s great!” I smiled, but I felt really awkward for some reason, like I was fourteen again, trying to figure out how to stand and what to do with my hands around my crush. “Thank you so much.”
“You’re welcome,” he grinned, but I noticed that his eyes were serious.
“What’s wrong?” I asked him, immediately.
“My mother’s very upset with me, Ava,” he bit his bottom lip. “She doesn’t want me rotating on this ward anymore.” I nodded, not looking at him.
“I’m not surprised,” I admitted. “Are you?”
“I agree that I haven’t been very…professional with you,” Conner said. “And maybe she’s being lenient on me. But nothing, as far as she knows, has happened to be considered inappropriate patient/doctor conduct.”
“Does she know you were caught in here this morning?” I asked him. He shook his head.
“No,” he sighed. “I trust that Josephine won’t say anything, but I could be wrong.”
“I have a meeting tomorrow with my mother and Julianne,” I told him. “Do you know anything about that?”
Conner frowned.
“No,” he replied. “Do you know what it pertains to?”
“Not a clue,” I said. “My mom came by to visit me this morning and told me Julianne had called her and told her I was really improving and that she wanted the three of us to have a meeting tomorrow afternoon. I’m afraid she’ll want to transfer me somewhere else because of…” I let my voice trail off. When Conner didn’t say anything, I went on,
“A-and maybe it’s for the best if she does transfer me. I mean, what’s happening here…maybe it’s not right…for either of us, you know?”
I looked up at him and his green eyes were bright with some sort of heated emotion, though I wasn’t sure which.
“No, Ava, I don’t know,” he replied, and he was clenching his jaw. “I wasn’t lying about everything I told you last night. I won’t take any of it back just to be practical or because you think it’s ‘not right for either of us’.”
“You don’t have to be angry with me,” I snapped at him. “I was just saying—”
“That’s all you’ve been doing lately!” He blurted out. “Trying to rationalize any way out of how you feel! And yes, Ava, it does make me a little angry and extremely frustrated! Here I am, laying everything out on the table for you to do what you will with it and you keep pulling further and further away! What am I to do? What would you have me do? Pretend I never fell in love with you? Pretend you’re not in love with me?”
His words hit me hard. I was speechless at his outburst. He was right and I was wrong, and I knew it, but putting everything out on the table like he was doing wasn’t an option for me. I was scared as hell to do that again and he knew it, so why was he pushing me so hard?
Because he loved me so much.
That was it. Plain and simple, that was all there was to it.
“Did you have to sneak in here?” I asked him, quietly, not wanting to do this now.
“Yeah,” he sighed. “I can’t stay long. I just wanted to see you in person to tell you I’d be missing in action for the next couple of days. I’ve got some big evaluations on the first ward upstairs.”
“Is she definitely taking you off this ward?” I asked him.
“No, darling, she just mentioned it,” he answered, reaching out and touching my cheek gingerly. “So your mum came by today?”
“Yeah,” and I smiled. “It was really amazing to see her. I realized how much I missed her…how much I need her.”
“Good,” he said, smiling, too. “I’m sure she was elated to see you. Do you think she’ll start visiting more often now?”
“I hope so,” I said. “But when she left today, I felt almost abandoned. I wish I could go home now. For the first time in a long time, I just want to go home for real. Does that make any sense?”
“Makes perfect sense,” he replied. “I’m glad you finally realize how important home is again.” He took a step forward and gave me a quick, sweet kiss on my temple.
“I’ve gotta go,” he told me. “See you in a few days, Ava.” He turned to leave, and I found myself calling after him.
“Conner!”
He turned around, giving me a puzzled look.
“What is it, Ava?” he asked.
I wanted to ask him what would happen if Julianne did try to transfer me before he came back to the ward…I wanted to ask him if I would ever see him again…but I didn’t have the courage to hear the answers, so I just said,
“Six months.”
He just stared at me, continuing to look puzzled.
“What?” he asked.
“I won’t get to go home for six months,” I told him. “That’s half a year. That’s a million seconds away. And thousands of things can change in six months.”
He walked back over to me and took my hand in his, placing it over his heart. It was almost beating out of his chest again.
“This will never change,” he murmured. “Not six minutes from now, not six months from now, not six years from now, not six million years from now. This will never change.”
And then he turned and walked out of the room.
23.
Sitting through group therapy the next day was torture. The whole time, I just fidgeted with my hands, wanting some kind of look or hint of emotion from Julianne. She didn’t give me any. After group therapy was finally over, I was surprised when Julianne came up to me.
“Ava,” she said, pleasantly, as everyone else was leaving. “Can I see you in my office?”
I just looked at her and nodded, wordlessly. My mother had been the one to tell me about the meeting, but this was the first time Julianne had said anything about it.
I followed behind into her office and my mother was already sitting there. When we entered the room, she looked up at me, smiling. I immediately went to her and wrapped my arms around her. It’d been les
s than a day since I’d seen my mom, but that’d been plenty of time to miss her.
“All right,” Julianne said, sitting down behind her desk. “I’m sure you’re both very curious as to why I called this meeting.”
My mother and I nodded.
“Well let’s get straight to business then,” Julianne said, smiling. It was a fake smile. “I’m pleased to say that Ava has been improving tremendously. She’s eating, she’s sleeping, and overall, her therapy sessions both with me and with the group are some of the best I’ve seen out of any of my patients in a while.”
“That’s wonderful,” my mom glanced over at me and gave my knee a gentle squeeze. I didn’t return her smile, but instead focused on Julianne’s face. What was going on?
“I’ve decided to put in a form of early release for Ava,” Julianne announced to us then, in an almost triumphant tone. My mother let out a sound that resembled a squeal.
“When?” She asked. “I-I didn’t know you could release her early.”
“Neither did I,” I spoke up, in a less than excited voice. Julianne was looking at my mother, smiling.
“She can indeed be released early, with signs such as these of extraordinary improvement,” Julianne nodded. She wasn’t looking at me. Why wasn’t Julianne looking at me?
“S-so this means Ava can come home?” my mother’s voice was shaky now and I looked over at her. Tears were in her eyes.
“Yes, it does,” Julianne smiled and looked at me finally. Our eyes met and in that split second, she knew that I knew that this was all a lie. I may be better, but in all actuality, I wasn’t well enough to be abruptly sent home.
“How long will this take?” my mom asked Julianne. “I mean, when exactly will Ava be able to come home?”
“The paperwork should clear in less than a week,” Julianne was looking at my mother again. “I should say by Friday Ava will be able to go home. She should actually have her things ready to go because as soon as I get the release forms back, she’ll be able to leave!”
They both looked at me then. My mother was beaming. Julianne was waiting for a response. I was trying so desperately then to create one, but I just couldn’t. I was numb. I was in utter disbelief. Was this happening? Why wasn’t I happy?
“Is this real?” was all I could manage. The wide smile on my mom’s face never faltered, but there was a slight dismal expression that passed through Julianne’s eyes then.
“Yes, Ava,” Julianne answered, in a soft voice. “It’s very real. It’s your time. You did it. You got better.”
I didn’t feel any better. I felt like I was cheating.
“By this Friday?” I found myself muttering, not believing it. So fast, so sudden. Even if I felt like all this was being done for the right reasons, would it have been easy for me to accept? I’d always thought when I got out of this place it would be the best day of my life. But I was filled with nothing but dread.
Julianne got up then, and Mom and I followed. She ushered us over to the door, smiling brightly. I couldn’t look at my mother, for I knew there’d be tears of joy in her eyes, and I just couldn’t share that emotion with her. All I could think about was Conner. And Henry. And Shakespeare. And Channing. How could I leave them? How was I going to tell them?
Julianne began talking again, but I couldn’t hear what she was saying. My head was spinning uncontrollably and it was all I could do to not crumple to the ground. This wasn’t happening. It wasn’t possible. I wasn’t ready. I couldn’t face the real world again. Could I? Could I?
Before I knew it, my weak legs were walking alongside my mother towards my room.
“Oh, Ava, honey, will you say something?” I heard her ask me. I didn’t reply as we walked into my room and over to the bed to sit down. I stared straight ahead. I knew I should be thrilled. I knew I should at least be acting like I was thrilled, for my mother’s sake. But I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t do it.
“Do you think I am ready?” I instead found myself saying to her. I finally looked at my mother and was heartbroken when her face fell.
“Well, I haven’t been here, Ava,” she replied, softly. “But if Julianne thinks you are, what more do you need? Don’t you believe you are? I thought this is all you’ve wanted for months.”
I looked down at my hands in my lap.
“I thought it was, too,” I sighed. And in that instant, I wanted to tell her about Conner. About Channing. About Shakespeare. About Henry. Even about Aurelia. About my life here. About how I had just, in this split second, come to realize that I was in love…with my life, as it was now. I wanted to go home and be with my mother—it wasn’t that I didn’t. But what I was leaving behind meant so much. All of this…it had taught me how to walk again.
My mother didn’t stay long. She was excited to get home and get my bedroom livable in again. I managed some weak smiles and laughs, and had her convinced with a tight hug when she left that I was happy to be leaving Craneville.
I didn’t leave my room for the rest of the day. When Henry and Shakespeare stopped by to see how the meeting had gone, I refused to talk to them. I just lay there in my bed, asked them to come back tomorrow, and closed my eyes to force sleep upon myself. But it never came. All night, Conner was the only image in my mind. What if I didn’t see him before I left? Would Julianne tell him I was leaving so I could see him one last time? Would she grant me that courtesy? Surely she didn’t dislike me so much as to hurt me like that, even if she thought it best Conner and I stayed away from each other.
I opened my eyes the next morning and decided that I would welcome the day. I had to face this goodbye. I went to breakfast and immediately found Henry and Shakespeare, both wide-eyed, eager for any news I was about to give them. I sat down at the table slowly, letting out a heavy breath as I did.
“I’m leaving.”
They knew this, of course, and didn’t even try to look surprised.
“Why?” was Henry’s quiet reply. I looked down at the food on my plate and shrugged.
“Because I’m ‘all better’,” I answered him, hoarsely. “I’ll be out of here Friday.”
“Friday!” Shakespeare exclaimed, rather loudly. I looked up at him, frowning. His dark eyes were wide and sad.
“How can you just be released like that?” Henry asked me. “It’s Tuesday. Did you even go through a final evaluation?” I shook my head.
“I-I’m sorry,” I whispered, letting my head drop again.
“Why are you sorry, Ava?” Shakespeare asked me.
“Because this is wrong,” I said, an unexpected tear rolling down my cheek. “I’m not ready to leave. It isn’t fair. If I hadn’t been….if Conner…” I couldn’t find the words.
“This is what you’ve wanted for so long,” Henry pointed out. “And now you get to go home. To your mother. To your own world.”
“I’m so scared,” I whispered, as more tears began to roll down my cheeks. I looked up at them. “That big world out there…I barely remember it.”
“Well, I’m sure the world is scared, too, Ava,” Henry joked gently, a smile playing at the corners of his lips. “It barely remembers you.” I chuckled at this and wiped my eyes with the back of my hand.
“Does the shrink’s son know you’re leaving?” Shakespeare asked me then. I shrugged.
“He’ll be gone all this week,” I told him. “He’s doing rounds somewhere else. And at this point, I wouldn’t be surprised if Julianne had decided just to not tell him.”
“Will you be with him when you leave?” Henry asked. I refused to meet his inquisitive gaze.
“It’s not that simple,” was my answer. He sighed and I winced, knowing a lecture was coming. I was surprised when he was quiet and didn’t say anything more.
“I’m sure your mother was very happy,” Shakespeare spoke up. I nodded.
“I’ve never seen her so excited,” I said. “I’m sorry, I can’t think about this. It’s not real to me yet. Can we pretend I’m staying?”
Henry and Shakespeare exchanged glances. I let out a loud laugh.
“Well that’s the first time someone inside this place has actually looked at me like I was crazy,” I smiled. They both laughed and began to eat again.
“Any more word on Aurelia?” I asked, grateful for the broken tension. “Have they found out how she got the rope? Or why she did it?”
“I don’t think anyone’s focusing on the why as much as the how it was made possible,” Henry told me. “I mean, no one really searches for a reason when suicides happen in a place like this. It’s almost self-explanatory…usually the reason most people are in here in the first place.”
I looked away, turning red.
“Oh, sorry,” he apologized. “I didn’t mean that towards you specifically. I’m a prime example myself. I haven’t heard anything on how she got that rope. I keep trying to think if she had any visitors in the last few weeks, but she was lying so low recently, that I barely saw her as it was.”
“What about Channing?” I frowned. “I haven’t heard from her. I’m worried.”
“She’ll be all right,” Henry assured me. “She’s a tough girl. I’m sure she’ll be in touch as soon as she has some answers.”
“Hopefully before I’m gone,” I muttered. Henry just looked at me.
“I’ll miss you,” he said through a mouthful of eggs. “But it’s time for you to get the hell outta this place before you really go crazy.”
“Ava!”
I turned around in my seat and saw Julianne approaching me with a very practiced smile on her face.
“Hello, Henry, Shakespeare,” she nodded to them once she was standing next to our table. I looked up at her, puzzled as to what she wanted.
“Ava, I’m glad I caught you,” she was still smiling, which made me kind of sick to my stomach. “I’m leaving early today, so I won’t be seeing any of you for any sessions today. Ava, I’ll need you to come to my office tomorrow morning at around ten, all right? We’ve got to hold a final evaluation for you before I can get your papers turned in for leave.”
Broken Glass Page 21