by Stacey McCoy
“Oh now come on that’s not fair. My husband dies and you expect me to be the life of the party?”
“Kat it’s not about that. We know you’ve suffered more than anyone, but we’ve been suffering too watching you slip deeper and deeper into the black hole that is depression and then all of a sudden Mr Son of Sensuality comes along and BAM, you’re back.”
“I’m sorry. I know you’ve all tried so hard, but I can’t change the time it has taken for me to come back to life again, as you put it.”
I know there have been times over the last few months where the girls have wanted me to go out with them, but I haven’t been in the mood, or I’ve had a headache, or the kids haven’t been feeling well. Okay I get it. There was a time once when I would be the one calling the girls and asking them out. They would never have had to twist my arm to get me to go anywhere. Hell I’d go to a poetry convention and still manage to make it a good day out…somehow. I did go to Cara’s hen’s night that night, but that turned out to be disastrous. Nevertheless I can understand what Alex is telling me, but is it all because of Jake? Surely not.
“No, that’s not it at all Kat. The thing is we’ve tried and tried and tried and you never gave an inch. There was always an excuse not to go and that was so unlike you. Then all of a sudden you tell a teenager to back off, put on a phoney English accent and embarrass the hell out of yourself, gold by the way, and then you hook up with an incredibly hot guy and take full advantage of him all weekend. This trip was either going to make or break you. Besides it was either a trip to Melbourne with the girls, or a bucket of ice over your head while you were sleeping.”
“Hmm, well I’m glad the trip away worked for me then because the ice sounds like a shitty idea.”
“Forget the ice!”
Alex is starting to get a little excited now. She’s facing me and her voice is rising along with the heat I’m feeling from the sun beaming through the bakery window.
“Kat can’t you see why this trip away worked?”
I find myself staring blankly out the window and at the same time we both say, “Jake.”
“Oh Alex, what am I going to do?”
“What is there to do?” Alex throws her hands up in frustration.
“Well I can’t just go and tell everybody that this unbelievably, hot male entertainer likes me and he’s going to be my boyfriend now, so everyone just get over it. What about Sam?”
“Way to act like a ten year old and Sam’s dead Kat. You’re still alive so live your life.”
“Actually I’m being bloody serious Alex. I can’t just march in and say-”
Alex cuts me off before I can finish. “Say what Kat. Say that you’re happy. That Jake makes you happy. It’s not a crime to be happy you know.”
“What will people think?” Tears begin to fill my eyes because I know that even after such a small amount of time spent with Jake, I have strong feelings for him and I really, really want to make it work. What if it doesn’t work? That’s what scares me most of all.
I’ve already loved someone with all of my heart and he’s gone. I don’t want to suffer through that kind of loss again. I don’t want to cause my children anymore pain either. God knows they’ve gone through enough in their short lives.
Is Jake the happiness that will cure my grief? Would it be that easy to move on from Sam, to open my heart and dive head first into a relationship again? Will Jake love the kids and me for the rest of his life? Would everyone approve, or just be full of disgust at my audacity?
“Who gives a shit what people think? If they are truly your friends they will be happy that you are happy. I for one am so proud of you and so happy that you’ve jumped at the chance to be loved again. You might want to change your tack when it comes to the kids though. I mean I don’t know that they’d appreciate you walking in the door and shouting ‘Mummy’s got a boyfriend and he’s a pretty good root, so just get over it,’ but you know you’ll work it out, you always do.”
Alex’s bluntness turns my fears into the realisation of my possible happiness. I’m pleasantly shocked by her truthfulness and I embrace her in a tight hug.
“I’m scared.” I admit as tears continue to fall from my eyes.
“I would be too, but you gotta go with your heart Kat.”
Alex tears up too as we hold each other for support. I love all of my friends, but I never would have thought it would be Alex who would help me make sense of my situation with Jake. I can only put her sudden wisdom and knowledge of love down as a result of her own happiness.
We finish our coffees, get back in the cars and head towards home.
Chapter THIRTEEN
It’s a quiet trip home. I call Alex on the UHF as we get closer towards my sister’s place. I need to turn off a little further up the road, so that I can take a more direct route. Alex and the others continue on their way home.
“Safe travels bitches” I say over the radio.
Sam used to hate it when I swore over the radio, but you should hear some of the language the truckies use. I consider my choice of words tame in comparison.
I get a “will do babe” right back at me.
“Hey, thanks again for a truly wonderful weekend. I will never forget it.”
I hear laughter on the other end. Sounds like the others have regained consciousness.
“You’re welcome, but I don’t think your wonderful weekend had too much to do with us in the end.”
I hope the girls aren’t angry with me for choosing to spend so much time with Jake.
“Yeah sorry about that ladies. I’ll make it up to you.”
“It’s okay Kat. We’re just glad you’re happy.”
The last few words are crackly. We’re losing reception now because we’re travelling further apart. I know they’re happy for me. They wouldn’t have said so if they weren’t.
We arrive at my sister’s place and all three kids come barrelling out the front door. I manage to open the car door to let them in. Now I’m covered with three beautiful loving children. Their outstretched arms can’t seem to wrap around me tight enough. I hug them back with all my might. I’ve missed them so much. I didn’t realise just how much until this moment.
Chrissy yells out from the back seat, “Hey kids, keep it down will ya.”
She has startled all three of them.
Ashley looks over into the back seat at Chrissy and says to me, “Mummy, isn’t aunty Chrissy feeling too good?”
She’s the sweetest kid.
Chrissy answers before I can. “Aunty Chrissy ate some bad chicken last night. Don’t worry kids I’ll be fine once I’ve a good night’s sleep in my own bed.”
“If you had of made it to bed a little earlier last night you may be feeling a little better than what you do now,” I say, just as a suggestion for next time.
“Ha, ha fu-…hardy ha,” Chrissy says as she lays back down.
If she’s able to stop herself from swearing in front of the kids before she lets the word slip then she’s not nearly as hung over as I thought she was.
“I’ll get the kids’ stuff, then we’ll keep moving, but you’re going to need to sit up for the rest of the way Chris.”
I’m glad the huge breast drawn on Chrissy’s cheek will be on the window side of the car on the way home. Hopefully the kids won’t see it.
“Yep, whatever. Hey kid grab me a pillow on your way out will ya.”
She’s not really referring to anyone in particular, but Aiden takes it upon himself to grab a pillow for his aunty Chrissy.
Of course Christine is not a biological relation to myself or my children, but all of our friends are known as Uncle or Aunty to the kids. It’s just another sign of my children’s love and respect for our friends.
The kids lead me inside to the kitchen where my sister Josie is baking choc-chip biscuits. There are a couple of dozen on the cooling rack already.
“Oh you know me so well,” I say as I take two biscuits and shove one straight into my
mouth.
“Get out of that. They’re for the kids.”
“Geez Josephine, you sounded just like Mum then.”
I perch myself up onto one of the bar stools at the breakfast bar where the biscuits are cooling.
If I were to describe our mother, Sandra, I would have to say that she’s difficult and stubborn, but her heart is in the right place, even when you’re at the end of one of her wraths. She’s the sort of women who will stand up and fight for herself and her family, not caring who it is she upsets. Sandra is that one person who stands up and speaks her mind when no one else will.
There were many times during our school years when Mum would front up to the principal’s office and give him what for because she felt we’d been disciplined harshly by our teachers when it was other kids in the class that were causing the trouble. Which was true most of the time, but we were by far from perfect children.
Her latest battle is with a well-known rock band. She doesn’t like the fact that there’s swearing within their songs, so she is busying herself writing letters of complaint to their manager asking them to change the lyrics. After all the bands back in her day didn’t swear, so why do the youth of today feel that they need too? Even though she may come across as slightly eccentric, every fight, ever argument she has ever had, has been justified by the fact that she’s able to somehow come up with better solutions. The biggest problem she has, is no-one listens to her. Maybe she needs to find a new way to get her voice across.
Josie doesn’t consider us as being as hard as our mother, but I’ve always been able to see a slight resemblances of both parents within myself. I consider myself compassionate and sometimes naïve, like Dad, but also fiercely protective like Mum. When I love, I love hard. When I hate, I hate harder.
Josie feels we’re more like our father with his ability to be a little more reasonable compared to our mother. After all it’s her harder side that shines through the majority of the time.
It’s easy to goad each other when it comes to comparisons to Sandra and neither of us really like it, but that’s just what siblings do.
Josie throws a tea towel at my head and hits me fair in the face. I’m too slow to duck away from it or catch it. Josie has always been more athletically and academically gifted than me.
“I shouldn’t let you take any home now just for that.”
“Okay I take it back.” My hands up in surrender.
“Did you have a good weekend?” Josie is putting what looks like the last tray of biscuits into the oven. She turns to look at me and suddenly straightens up and adds before I can answer her original question. “You look different. What did you get up to down there?”
I think to myself it’s not ‘What,’ but ‘Who.’ I don’t get how she can read me so well, but I’m not willing to confide in my sister about Jake just yet. I don’t want to rub it in her face that I’ve been lucky enough to have met someone.
Josie has had a bad run with the opposite sex and it has left its toll on her heart. She has done absolutely nothing to deserve being treated like someone’s door mat. All the guys she’s been with have been great to begin with, but after a short amount of time they seem to flick a switch and use her either for her money, or sex. None seem to want to commit. She’s a very smart lady so it doesn’t take long for her to show them the door.
She was seeing this guy up until two weeks ago when she came home from work she found him sitting in her lounge room watching porn on the big screen TV. She asked him what the hell he thought he was doing at her place in the middle of the day while jacking off to some poorly produced porno. He told her that he’d lost his job and he figured since they’d been seeing each other for a few months now, he may as well move in with her.
Reading between the lines Josie knew he’s words translated to say he’d now be mooching off her and the impressive wage she earns through her job as a realtor for as long as he could while still being able to get a bit. His arse is probably still sore from being kicked out to the curb.
Beth is older than my daughter by two years. She seems to take these guys in her stride. It’s not that she doesn’t approve of her mother dating, it’s just she hasn’t had a connection with any of them. So Josie’s heart hardens a little more with each new man that comes along.
She’s not afraid of dating. She believes there’s someone out there for all of us, it’s just some of us have to spend a little more time looking under rocks till they find their Mr Right. She would dearly love her daughter to have a father figure in her life, but the only man Beth did seem to connect with was my husband, Sam.
Josie and Beth have been grieving for Sam too. It’s going to be hard for me to introduce Jake to them as they will judge him harshly, possibly the harshest out of everyone, out of respect for Sam. I can’t deal with that right now. Besides Jake and I still have to get to know one another better before any official intros are done.Christ he might change his mind and decide that he never wants to see me again yet.
“Nothing’s different. Although I did get a good night’s sleep last night while the others wrote themselves off for the second night in a row. You should see Chrissy. She’s passed out on the back seat.”
“Hmm,” is all she says.
My deflection throws her off my scent…for now. Man it’s not fair. Why can’t I read her the way she reads me?
I yell to the kids to grab their things because it’s time to go. Josie puts a few freshly baked biscuits in a bag for me to take home, but I doubt they’ll make it that far. They’re just too good. I grab a loaf of bread and two apple scrolls from the bakery out of the boot of Simone’s car and give them to Josie and Beth as a thank you for looking after the kids.
We load the kids into the car and Aiden makes sure Chrissy has her pillow from aunty Josie’s lounge suite to rest her food poisoned head on the rest of the way home.
I thank my sister once again for looking after the kids and I give Beth a huge cuddle goodbye. She may be eleven, but she’s not embarrassed to give her aunty Kat a cuddle in the middle of the street…yet.
The kids don’t shut up the whole way home. They tell us all about the movie they went to see and their lunch at McDonalds, which is a big thing to a country kid. Take-away shops aren’t exactly close by out our way. The closest I can get to take- away at home for tea, is chicken nuggets in the oven and deep fried chips on the stove top.
I drop Chrissy off at her place and watch her drag herself inside. I’d put money on the fact she’ll make it as far as her couch and sleep for another couple of hours. It’ll take a while before her head stops pounding and she regains a steady stomach. I can see Billy’s ute out in the back shed. I know he’ll find her later on and look after his wife and kids for the evening.
Finally we make it home. I pull in the driveway. As soon as the car’s stopped the kids jump out of aunty Sims car and run straight into the arms of Johnno. Simone received a text from him earlier telling her that he was at my place mowing the lawns for me.
Sim and I sit in the car for a moment.
“He’s a good man isn’t he,” I say as I gaze upon Johnno as he tackles the kids. I’m glad my friend has such a good husband by her side.
“Yeah he was nice wasn’t he?” Simone says
“Pardon? I don’t think you heard me right through your hazy head. I’m talking about how good Johnno is. You’re lucky to have him.”
“Yeah I know who you’re talking about and I know I’m lucky. Do you know how lucky you are?” Sim hasn’t moved the whole way home. She’s really feeling this one
“What do you mean? What are you talking about?”
Finally Simone moves to face me as she takes her sunglasses off. She quickly puts them back on. It is a bright spring day after all and she’s feeling some pretty solid after effects of that $100 bottle of wine she hardly even tasted.
“Jake woman! I’m talking about Jake.”
“Oh,” is all I can say.
“You need to grab that bu
ll by the horns and hold on tight babe. He’s so into you. To watch you two together during lunch yesterday was beautiful. We’ve all seen you come alive again this weekend and it’s so wonderful to see. You deserve to be happy.”
I sit and think about Jake for a moment and how happy I’ve been over these past few days. I too have noticed a spark reignited within me and I know it’s because of Jake. I’ve also used the same analogy of ‘take the bull by the horns’ during my internal rants to myself.“Yeah okay. He made me happy. So what do I do about it now? It’s going to be hard to have any sort of relationship with him being so far away, but I did say I’d give it a go.”
“Good. That’s great. Just take it slow and see what comes of it. I’m so glad you’re giving him a go though, cause that man is fucking gorgeous. I mean full on fucking gorgeous.”
I laugh at Sim’s open observation of Jake.
She continues. “He must be a fabulous root. Is he good? What’s his signature move? Did he make you come each time? Come on Kat, I need details?”
Simone’s excitement about my rekindled sex life is contagious. I move around in my seat to face my best friends with the intention of giving her some details, but not all by any means. A girl’s got to have some secrets, right.
As I turn in my seat I’m startled to see Johnno standing at Simone’s door. Listening intently. Sim doesn’t know Johnno is standing behind her. There’s only a thin pane of glass separating the two and from the look on his face, I’d say he has heard every word Simone has said.
Simone can see that I’m looking past her and she’s figured out that her husband is standing within earshot of her.
She begins to backpedal. Fast.
“I mean he couldn’t possibly be as good as Johnno. No one is as good as Johnno and I gotta tell you girl he can make me come with that twelve inch penis of his every damn time we have sex.”
After a moment’s pause, and an awkward glance I share with Johnno, all three of us explode into laughter at the thought of Johnno and his imaginary, magical twelve inch penis.