by Stacey McCoy
“Oh mate. Surely it’s not that bad. Aiden’s only seven after all. Yes he’s angry, yes he’s grieving, but give him some time he’ll come around to the idea of Jake.”
“No he won’t. He hates what I’ve done and he hates Jake. He won’t get over this Sim.”
“Do you want me to get Johnno to talk to him?”
“Johnno can talk to him till he’s blue in the face, it won’t make any difference. Besides even if Aiden did come around to the idea of Jake, I told him to leave and never come back. I broke his heart. He would never want to come back to me after the way I treated him.”
“Give it all some time to settle down. You don’t know what’s going to happen. We’ll just have to wait out the storm and see if the sun is still shining on the other side.”
I cry again. My light has gone and I made him go. My son hates me and I don’t think I will ever forgive myself for causing him such heartache.
Simone and I head to the kitchen.
“What are you doing here anyway?” I ask as I was not expecting to see her today.
“I thought I’d come over for a workout then maybe a dip in your pool if that’s okay?”
“Yeah that’s fine.”
“You know, I reckon you could use a good workout yourself.”
The thought of punching and kicking something sounds good. Simone offers to spar with me, so I get changed, check in on Aiden who is still asleep then head out to my gym with my friend.
We crank up the music and begin our warm up. After we stretch Simone starts to skip as I hit the cross trainer. Next, I put on my gloves while Simone grabs the mitts.
The beat of the music helps spur me into a good rhythm as I begin to punch a left jab then a right cross. As I continue I add an upper cut and duck and weave as Simone jabs her right hand toward my head. I try to turn my thoughts off and concentrate on what I’m doing, but I can’t help but let my emotions consume me. I begin to get angry. I punch harder and faster into Simone’s mitts. She’s struggling to keep up with my onslaught of punches as my adrenaline, hatred and heartache gives me plenty of incentive to punish myself.
“Hey take it easy,” Simone yells at me.
But I can’t, I won’t. I need to feel pain. I don’t deserve to feel happy. Not after what I’ve done. I continue to punch. Sweat is streaming down my back and I can feel my body begin to shake with the onslaught of fatigue.
Simone straightens and puts her hands down just as I throw a right jab. She leans back just in time then throws the mitts down in frustration.
“Come on,” I yell. “Put’em back up!”
“No. Not until you admit to yourself that this was not your intention.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You! God damn it. I’m talking about you. Bashing the shit out of me is not going to change any of this. You need to accept that whatever will be will be and in the meantime you need to calm down and just get on with your day to day life.”
Giving in to exhaustion I collapse onto the mat.
“I don’t want to cry anymore Sim. I’m sick of crying. I’m sick of being alone. I’m sick of hurting…I love Jake and he loves me, but I love my kids more. How the fuck am I supposed to get all of that to work out now.”
“You can’t Kat. There’re just some things you can’t fix, or change. But if you just give it all some time it just might work out all by itself.”
I feel so tired. I just want to sleep in the hope that when I wake, things will be better.
We head inside and Simone gives me my marching orders to hit the shower then bed. I’m too tired to argue, so I do as she demands. Simone promises to stay and look after Aiden while I rest.
When I wake I hear Ashley’s voice. I wonder why she’s home in the middle of the day. The digital clock beside my bed reads 4.30pm. To my surprise I’ve slept all day. I quickly get up and get dressed. Aiden, Ashley and Simone are sitting at the table with chocolate milkshakes in hand as I emerge from my bedroom.
“Did you have a nice sleep Mummy?” asks Ashley in her sweetest voice.
“Yes I did thank you sweetheart.”
I look at Aiden. He’s looking at me with red eyes and a blank expression.
I’m the first to speak. “How was your sleep little man?”
“I’m not little.”
My heart ruptures at the sound of his cutting remark.
“No of course you’re not.”
I head into the kitchen and pop the kettle on. Simone asks the kids to go and pick a movie to watch. Ashley asks if they can take their drinks into the lounge room.
“Just this once,” says Simone. “Just make sure you don’t spill them.”
They agree and head off into the next room. Simone comes up beside me and puts her arm around me.
“Aiden and I had a little chat while you were asleep.”
“Does he hate me as much as I think he does?”
“No, not at all. He just misses his daddy. He’ll come around Kat.”
“I doubt that.”
“Listen I’ve got to go, but I’ve made some tea for you so you’ll have more time to talk to the kids before they go to bed.”
“Thank you.”
I hug my friend and she knows that I’m thanking her for more than just the meal she has made.
Simone says goodbye to the kids and leaves me with an encouraging look which tells me to go and talk to my kids. With my cuppa in hand I make my way into the lounge room. It’s probably best if I sit on the only single chair in the room so that I can give my kids some space.
“So Ash, how was school?”
“It was okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Yep.”
“What did you do today?”
“Um…PE, Writing, and Math. The usual stuff.”
“Okay cool. What did you do today Aiden?”
Ashley looks at me confused. “Don’t you know what he did today Mum?”
“No sweetie I don’t. I had a big sleep today. So big in fact that I slept all day.”
“Ha, that’s funny.”
“Yeah it is…So Aiden what did you do today?”
Aiden won’t look at me. He stares at the TV in front of him and just shrugs his shoulders.
I give up. Rising from my chair I head back toward the kitchen.
Aiden yells out after me. “Do you like that man Mum?”
Surprised by Aiden’s question I decide to answer honestly. It’s probably the best thing to do now that I’ve been caught lying to my children. They deserve an honest answer, even if it does upset them.
“Yes Aiden I do. I like him very much, but he won’t be back anymore. You won’t have to worry about him from now on.”
Aiden still won’t look at me. I head back into the kitchen with what feels like a fifty pound weight on my shoulders and heat up the meal Simone has made for us.
The rest of the night continues on like any other. Once the kids are in bed I plop down on the couch and flick the TV on. Even though the black screen gives the impression that there are people in the room with me, I feel deeply lonely.
My mind drifts back to Jake and what he did to me on this very couch. I flick the TV off and head to my bedroom. Once I’m under the water of my shower I’m again flooded with memories of Jake. I dry off quickly to escape the bathroom and all of its happy memories. I climb into bed and roll over toward the middle. As I shut my eyes all I can see is Jake lying there beside me. I want to scream, but if I do I’ll wake the kids.
I suck in a deep breath, in the hope that it will stop my tears from falling again. I fail miserably.
Once I do settle, I listen carefully and pray that I might hear a strange noise outside that could possibly be Jake. There are no noises, just memories of good times and now bad times too.
Grabbing my mobile phone I will myself to text Jake and tell him that I still love him, but it wouldn’t be fair to give him false hope. My son doesn’t want him around and I can’t live a life w
ith my son hating me.
I lay wide awake. Sleeping all day was not a good idea although I obviously needed it. It’s only 10pm so I decide on a late night swim and a beer. The water is cold, but refreshing. There are no memories of Jake here, only memories of Sam. As I lean back against the pool’s ledge, I recall in my mind a conversation Sam and I had while taking a swim together one night.
We were talking hypotheticals. If something ever happened to either of us what would we want the other one to do with their lives. I told Sam if I were to ever die before him, I would want him to cry every day and mourn for me for all eternity. He said he would.
He told me if he were to die, he would want me to fall in love again on the proviso that we name our baby after him, which he felt was a suitable name for either a boy or a girl. Of course we were both joking.
Sam and I considered having more kids. We were completely happy with our two beautiful healthy children, but we decided to let fate determine whether we were to become parents once more. I’d stopped taking the pill and within about a two year time period, I never fell pregnant. We decided then that we would definitely stop trying as we were both getting older. So Sam had a vasectomy.
My memories of Sam no longer make me sad. In fact now, I have quite the opposite reaction. I head back to bed feeling calmer than before and after a short while sleep finds me.
Chapter EIGHTEEN
The next day and the day after that are all much the same. The kids go to school and I work my rostered days plus an extra day to make up for the sick day I took earlier in the week. I haven’t been bothered talking to anyone, so I’ve kept to myself.
Today is the third day without Jake. I’m home alone with my thoughts running wild in my head. I begged Murray to let me work today, but he said there weren’t enough orders to warrant me travelling in, so he was going to do it. He asked how Jake was. All I could say was, ‘he’s fine.’ The truth is I don’t know how he is.
I need to do something to help get me out of this rut. I decide to call Alex, she’s always up for a good time.
“Hey girlfriend, how are you?” Alex says.
“Wow you sound happy, what gives?”
“Oh just the fact that I’m in love with the most perfect man ever. Oh sorry Kat I didn’t mean to rub it in your face. How are you going? Liam tells me Jake is a real mess. The boys are really concerned about him.”
“Really.”
“Yeah of course Kat. I mean the guy tells you he loves you then you throw him out because Aiden hates him.”
“Yeah I know what happened Alex. I was there.”
“Oh I know, sorry Kat. It just sucks, you know.”
I’m regretting calling my friend. I should have called Chrissy or Simone instead, although I don’t really want to talk to anyone who is happily married right now either.
I take a deep breath as Alex waits my response. “So what are you up to today?”
“Well I’m just heading out the door actually. Liam is going to take me to his gym for a late night weights session tonight. All the guys go late at night so they don’t get harassed as much. Then I’m staying in the city for the weekend to watch the show and hang out with Liam all day Sunday before I come home again. What are you going to do?”
Well if I didn’t feel depressed before, I sure do now. Alex is going to see Jake when I can’t. That hurts.
“I don’t know. I might take the kids to the movies or something.”
“Oh yeah, that’ll be good.”
“Yeah a real hoot.”
“Kat.”
“What.”
“Do you want me to pass on a message to Jake? I’m sure he’d love to hear from you.”
The thought of contacting Jake thrills me. I want nothing more than to reach out to him. I want to remind him that I love him and I want him back. Every time I do though I see Aiden’s terrified little face and I’m reminded not to be selfish and that I must think only of my children.
“No Alex, please don’t say anything to Jake. I can’t lead him on and give him false hope. As long as Aiden hates him, our relationship is over.”
“But he loves you and you love him.”
I hear the desperation in her voice. She’s not making me feel any better.
I sigh. “I better let you go, you said you were walking out the door. I’m sorry I rang.”
“Kat.”
I don’t hear the rest of what Alex is about to say as I’ve already hung up the phone. I flop myself down on to the couch and watch sitcom repeats until the kids get home from school. It’s then that I decide that we should spend the night, if not the whole weekend, at my sister’s place.
I send her a quick text. She writes back straight away. She’d be happy to have us stay and she also writes that Beth has been missing us too. The kids are happy to pack for a weekend away at aunty Josie’s and Beth’s, and it’s not long until we’re on the road.
Beth comes barrelling out the door to greet us as soon as we arrive. The three kids are inseparable once they’re together which gives Josie and me time to talk.
“What’s wrong?” she asks me in our mother’s voice as soon as she lays eyes on me.
“Well Mum, where do I begin?” I say sarcastically.
“Don’t you dare throw that shit at me. I know something’s up and you’re not going anywhere until you tell me.”
Sitting at my sister’s kitchen table I mentally bash myself and ask my brain why the hell I thought it would be a good idea to come to a mind reader’s place for some R & R, because I sure as shit ain’t gunna get it now.
I can’t and won’t win this battle, so I cave in and tell Josie the whole story.
“A stripper!” she yells. “You mean to tell me a male stripper is who got you smiling like a Cheshire cat the other weekend.”
“Really. Out of all of that, that is the one thing you want clarification on?”
“Well hell yes!”
“Okay who are you and what have you done with my sister?”
“What do you mean?”
“I honestly expected you to hate me after telling you that story, yet all you seem to want to do is prise details out of me about the fact that Jake is a male burlesque dancer,” I say as I correct her.
“Yeah okay you made a bad judgement call, but we all fuck up from time to time. But what were you expecting Kat. Just because I’ve had bad experiences with guys doesn’t mean I hate every one that walks into your life. You seem to have a knack for finding the good ones, you always have. Aiden will come around. You just need to give him some space.”
“Jesus, now I’ve heard it all.” I throw my hands up in disbelief.
“Seriously Kat give me a break.”
“Sorry your reaction has shocked me that’s all. You’re such a ball breaker when it comes to men. I thought you’d tell me how much of an idiot I am for allowing myself to fall hopelessly in love so quickly and that all men are dicks.”
“Why would I do that Kat? You wear your heart on your sleeve, you always have and by doing so has snagged you some, well one, really awesome guy in the past so why would I be surprised that you would jump in head first all over again. Besides Jake sounds like a really nice guy.”
I bury my head in my hands and grab fists full of my hair. “Well then, what the fuck am I supposed to do now?”
“You do exactly what Simone told you to do. You suck it up and wait. Time heals all wounds Kat. You should know that by now.”
“I’m just so sick and tired of feeling sad Josie. I want to be happy again and I was with Jake. I just went about it all the wrong way.”
Just then Aiden walks in. He stands in the doorway and waits for a moment as if needing our permission to enter the room. He does so once Josie gets up off her chair and offers him a packet of biscuits to take out to the girls.
“Did you see that? Did you see the way he looks at me now?”
“Geez Kat calm down. The kid was just hungry.”
“It’s more than
that Josie. I feel like I’ve broken something between us that can’t be fixed.”
“Right! We’re going to need alcohol so that we can loosen up that thick head of yours and make you see that this is not really as bad as you make it seem.”
“Fine. I give up. Let’s get pizza and beer.”
As soon as the words have exited my mouth I’m taken back to a happier time with Jake when we watched Dirty Dancing in the luxury suite while eating pizza and drinking cold beer. And again, I start to cry.
Josie hands me a box of tissues. “Oh man. Here, you’ll need these and I’m picking the movie tonight. There’s no way we’re going to sit and watch some lovie-dovie shit that you’d choose.”
“Great so it’s Action or Western?” I cry again.
“Geez girl calm down you’re going to flood us out if you keep this up.”
“You’re all heart sis.”
“Yeah well it’s called tough love and I have it in spades, so get used to it.”
“I love you too.”
Josie walks over to me and gives me a big hug. It’s just what I need.
We spend the night on the couch cuddled up with the kids, watching movies. The kids choose a kid’s movie to watch first then we get them off to bed and watch a shoot-them-up action movie and talk crap till very late in the night. Spending time with my sister and Beth has been exactly what I’ve needed. Finally I feel like I might be getting back on track with my decision making efforts after the disastrous decision I made when I chose to keep Jake a secret from my kids.
***
We head home the next day just after lunch. On the way we pop in to say hi to the old’s before leaving town and end up having afternoon tea with them before making tracks once more. As I walk in our backdoor my emotions are mixed. I have flashbacks of Jake and me making love on the kitchen bench where I place my handbag and car keys, which makes me feel sad. On the other hand I have feelings of happiness as I remember my time spent in this house with both Sam and Jake.
How can one person be so lucky and yet so unlucky? To have been lucky enough to have loved Sam ever so dearly and then tragically loose him, and then to be fortunate enough to be loved by Jake then have to push him away seems so completely unfair.