by Stacey McCoy
“Far out.” Burying my face in my hands I lean my elbows on the kitchen table for support. Crying as my friends rub my back.
“Honey it’s going to be okay. All you need to do is jump in the car with Alex. Johnno and I will stay here with the kids as originally planned.”
“I don’t deserve him. I don’t deserve Verno’s forgiveness. Why are they doing this?”
“Well if you ask me,” says Alex. “They love you. Well Jake loves you and Verno, as you call her, knows how happy he is when he’s with you and she probably knows how sad he is without you. She loves him so much she’s willing to forgive you. I also think that she too would like to apologise to you for her part in Sam’s death.”
“But she didn’t do anything wrong. It wasn’t her fault.”
“She needs to hear that from you Kat.”
Sitting here looking at my friends through dampened, swollen eyes I have the feeling that I’m once again faced with the choice of two roads ahead of me. If I choose one road I will continue my life happy, but alone. If I choose the other road, there will be tough times ahead, but I know that I’ll end up deliriously happy and hopefully never alone ever again. I know exactly what it is I need to do.
I need to jump.
Quickly I change into a classier outfit. I doubt the guys on the door will let me in if I turn up in trackie dacks and a flannelette shirt.
Simone helps me put my face on. My eyes are swollen, but she hides the puffiness well. My knuckles are cut and my toe still hurts but Alex helps patch me up. I choose flat shoes to help support my toe and I wear long pants to help cover my grazed knees.
We hit the road. Suffering from a bad case of nausea all the way I practice my apology speech to Veronica on Alex as we travel the nearly three hour journey. Consumed by this first hurdle which faces me I don’t even think about what I’m going to say to Jake when I see him. I just hope it comes to me at the time.
Alex has punched Veronica and Troy’s address into the GPS and it’s not long until we’re there. Alex has already let Jake know that we’re on our way and he has replied letting her know that Veronica is expecting us.
We pull up outside a nice suburban house on the outskirts of the city.
“This is it.” Alex announces.
“I don’t know if I can do this.”
“Sure you can.” Alex gets out of the car and comes around to my side of the vehicle. She opens the door, unbuckles my seatbelt and yanks me out of the car.
Chapter TWENTY four
We walk up to the front door together, my legs threatening to collapse on me. Alex holds my hand as she knocks on the door with the other.
“Fuck. I’m gunna spew.” The butterflies in my stomach are in danger of flying straight out of my mouth. I swallow hard.
“No you’re not. I’m here Kat, I’ll help you.”
The door opens. It’s Troy. I look down in shame as he rakes his eyes over me. I get the feeling he’s checking me over for weapons and I can’t blame him for being cautious, after all I did try to attack his wife. He notices our hands linked as Alex introduces us. He extends his hand to shake mine. Alex lets go of my hand and places hers encouragingly on my lower back as I look up at Troy. He stands with his hand extended out to me. I shake it instantly regretting my sweaty palm. I try to speak, but my words fail me.
“She says Hi,” says Alex as she pushes me into the house.
Troy guides us through the house toward the back living/kitchen area where Veronica is sitting at the table.
A tea pot, coffee peculator and biscuits are set on the table. It shocks me to see this warm welcome when I have been so cruel to them. Tears fill my eyes as Veronica rises from her chair and pulls out the chair beside her, signalling for me to sit. I step toward her, my arms open as I cry my apology to her. Embracing me she too cries an apology to me. We stay like this for a while, eventually sitting down as Alex and Troy take their places at the table. Troy begins to serve tea as Veronica and I hold hands, each trying to understand what the other has been going through over the last year.
“God Verno I’m so, so sorry about what I did last night. I’ve never in my life acted that way toward anyone and now, with the help of my friends,” I place my hand on Alex’s lap as she sits beside me, “I realise that you weren’t at fault for Sam’s death. He made the decision to hit that tree instead of you and I can understand that that was his choice. He wouldn’t have been able to live with himself if he’d been the cause of someone else’s death.”
“Kat I don’t blame you for the way you reacted, although I am glad Jake was able to stop you before you got a hold of me.” Veronica’s smile is weak, but there. “I feel like I deserve everything you’ve got to throw at me.”
Troy leans over and looks deeply into his wife’s blue eyes. Jakes eyes. “It was not your fault.” Then he turns to me and pleads, “Please Kat, please tell her it was not her fault. I can’t imagine what you’ve been going through, but there hasn’t been a day go by where Veronica hasn’t blamed herself and not a night go by where she hasn’t relived that moment in a nightmare.”
I feel deeply sympathetic knowing Veronica has also carried the burden of Sam’s death with her this whole time.
Looking directly into Veronica’s eyes I say, “Veronica, Sam’s death was not your fault. I feel sorry that you had to be the last person to see him the way he was, it should have been me. I’ve been so angry about not being the one who was there for him, but I know now that I can’t blame you for that. It was not your wish to have witnessed such a horrific accident. No one was at fault, no one was to blame, especially you.”
Veronica breaks down and cries onto the shoulder of her loving husband. I’m a blubbering mess also and so very thankful to have Alex beside me at this time. I think this moment is the point where Veronica has finally realised that she’s not to be blamed for Sam’s terrible accident.
Why couldn’t I have had this opportunity to have lifted the weight from her shoulders sooner? A year is too long to have carried such a heavy burden. Her whole family has suffered and I was the one who had the power to help her understand that it was not her fault, but I was too busy being angry instead.
“He didn’t want to die you know.” Veronica’s voice is weak as she speaks.
Troy asks Alex if she would like to go out into the lounge room to meet their children. Alex looks at me and I know that this is the moment when I’m about to find out what Sam’s last words were.
I nod to Alex as a sign to let her know, I’ll be okay. Troy too knows that this is a moment that only Veronica and I need to share.
Veronica sets the scene as she pours more tea. I’m scared I won’t be able to hear her speak as all I’m able to hear at the moment is my heart beat pounding in my ears.
“Ironically it was a lovely day, when the accident happened. The kids and I were travelling up to Troy’s, uncle’s farm. We had a part for him that he was waiting on. Troy said he would ship it out, but I insisted on going for a drive. It’s good to get the kids out of the house every chance you get you know. I mean here in the city their heads are always stuck in the computer or TV or iPod or iPad or something that uses batteries or power you know.”
It’s heartbreaking listening to Veronica as she explains why she was on the road at that point and time. The poor woman was just trying to get her kids out of the house and do her husband a favour. Hell I’d do the same thing.
She rubs her forehead and continues. “I’m sorry, it sounds like I’m trying to make excuses.”
“I know that you’re not. Please continue.” I reach out and hold her hand as she continues with her tale of that day’s events.
“Well, we were coming up to a corner. I slowed down, but I never saw him coming. There were trees in the way and the sun was shining in my eyes. Next thing I knew there was this almighty crashing sound right beside me. He, sorry, Sam, must have been able to see us and he knew that the road on the bend wasn’t going to be big enough for both of
us. I know what country roads are like. I could have sworn that I was on my side of the road as I hit the bend and I wasn’t speeding. I swear to you Kat I wasn’t speeding.”
“Veronica, you do know that the truck’s brakes had failed, don’t you?”
“What?”
The look of shock on Veronica’s face shakes me to my core. All this time she’s believed that her driving ability caused Sam to hit the tree instead of them. When in fact the reason he hit the tree and not them was because his brakes had failed.
“Oh my god Veronica. You didn’t know.”
“No. No one ever told me that. We were told we were innocent witnesses to a tragic accident. Troy’s uncle came to pick us up from the crash site then Troy drove up to take us home. I suppose because I wasn’t at fault I never heard any different. All this time I thought he hit the tree because of me. I suppose if I had been at fault someone would have come to the door and charged me with the appropriate offences, but that never happened. God how could I’ve been so stupid. I should have asked what happened. I should have been told.”
“Yes you should have been told what caused the accident, then maybe you wouldn’t have beaten yourself up all this time. Although I’m thinking you still would have found a way to punish yourself. I should know, I’ve been doing the same thing for the last year.”
“Well I was still there at that point and time. Maybe if we weren’t there, maybe he would have had a better chance of surviving. “
“Yeah maybe. Believe me I’ve thought of nothing else for a long time now, but the fact is you were there. Sam chose to hit the tree instead of you and your kids. Trust me when I say he wouldn’t regret making that choice…not ever. I’m so unbelievably proud of Sam. He was never a selfish person and it’s nice to think that his last act on this earth was to save someone else instead of himself. He would never have been able to live with himself had he chosen his own life over yours and your children’s.”
“It’s funny, he said as much in his last breath.”
My heart stops. Here it is. The one moment in time when I finally get to hear my husband’s last words.
Veronica goes on, “Sam told me that he never wanted to die and that he was sorry to you and the kids for the way things worked out. He was praying that he would be able to avoid us and still be able to go home to his own family. Then in his last moments, Sam apologised to me for forcing such a horrible situation on us. I’m sorry, but I almost laughed at him. I mean here he was crushed up against the steering wheel-”
I swear someone has just punch me in the stomach. Feeling winded I rub my chest as the fresh image of my husband’s last moments fills my head.
“Oh shit I’m so sorry. You probably weren’t told any details. Me and my big mouth.”
“It’s okay.” I say, even though it’s not. “Please go on.”
Veronica rubs her thumb over the back of my hand. Heat rushes to my head and once again I feel nauseous.
“Okay. Then Sam looked at me and he said, ‘It’s funny you remind me of my wife.’ I suppose we do look kind of similar. Then he told me to tell you that he loves you. He will love you eternally and he will be with you always.”
Tears stream down Veronica’s and my own face as we both reach for the tissues. Man this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to listen to in my entire life.
“This next thing has had me worried, but they were his words so I suppose I should tell you no matter what my thoughts are.”
Intrigued, “Go on.”
“I mean no disrespect Kat, but Sam also wanted me to tell you to give the kids a big hug and kiss every day of their lives as a reminder of him…and to also ask them occasionally…where is Daddy?”
Poor Veronica. I can understand why such a statement would make her feel uncomfortable, but Sam’s wish makes perfect sense to me.
I explain, with a smile. “Sam and I always spoke honestly to the kids about death. Living on a farm unfortunately means that death is all around you. There was a time when the kids would ask us what happens if and when we die. We always told them that we would be in heaven looking down on them, but more importantly we would always be in their hearts and in their memories. Sam didn’t mean to sound cruel when he said what he said. Even though asking that question to Ash and Aiden will remind them that Sam’s not here anymore, it will also remind them that he’s still very close to them.”
“Oh thank god. That has had me worried for over a year now. Anyway Kat you have to know that Sam loved Ash and Aiden so much. He was, is, so proud of them.”
Wiping away the constant flow of tears I think to myself, I must be about due to run dry soon.
“Kat, he also wanted me to tell you that he wanted you to find love again. And you know what the weirdest part of all this is, the first person I thought of was Jake. Seeing you with Jake it was like Sam’s great master plan was coming true from beyond the grave. I feel like Sam followed me home, met my brother and aligned the stars for the two of you to meet and therefore obviously allowing us to meet face to face also. Does that sound crazy?”
“You know what? That sounds like Sam to me.”
And it does.
Sam was a selfless person. If he wanted me to find love again then I have no doubt in my mind that this was his doing. Once again I feel nothing but proud of my husband. Even in death, his consideration for the kids and me is still so strong.
“Sam was always looking out for me. He spent his life loving the kids and me. I have absolutely no doubt that he had a helping hand in all of this. He probably never expected me to physically lash out at you the way that I did, but he definitely knew that we needed to meet.”
Looking up I swear for a split second I see Sam’s reflection in the glass sliding door opposite me. He’s smiling as he stands behind me, but as soon as my brain acknowledges the vision and I blink, he disappears.
“I know he will always be here with me.” I continue to stare at the glass hoping to see Sam again, but I know that I won’t.
“In a spiritual sense yes, but maybe now Jake can be here for you always, in the physical sense?”
“Oh Jake. I doubt he will ever want anything to do with me again.”
“Kat he has been calling me flat out. He’s desperate to see you. In fact maybe you should get a wriggle on. He’s at work and the show will be close to finishing by the time you get there.”
I glance at my watch. I have a sudden urge to be with Jake. I’d walk over hot coals just to be able to speak with him again. I need to explain myself to him.
Veronica notices my sudden anguishes.
“Kat…go,” she says with a smile. “I have a feeling we’re going to be seeing a whole lot more of each other in the future. We’ll have plenty of time to talk again soon.”
As I rise from my chair Troy and Alex walk back into the room. I can tell by the look on my friend’s face that she’s been eavesdropping. Alex looks proud while poor Troy looks guilty.
We say our goodbyes. Veronica and I apologise to each other again as we hug. I can feel the relief in her body as I squeeze her harder in a desperate effort to show her just how much I appreciate her.
***
Alex drives like a mad woman on the way to the club. Her road rage skills get a workout as we zip in and out of city traffic. She has the window down and is constantly yelling out things like, ‘Woman in love coming through!’ ‘Get out of my way dickhead,’ and ‘My name is cupid and I have a job to do.’
I can’t help but laugh. She has an uncanny way of saying the darndest things that would lift anyone’s spirits.
We enter the underground car park and Alex parks illegally right in front of the elevators.
“Alex you’ll get towed, park your car properly woman.”
“No time for that Kat, let’s go.”
“Alex!”
“No fuck it Kat, it’ll be worth the towing fine. I’ll get it from the lot tomorrow.”
There’s no point arguing with her logic.
“What was that about?”
“Oh she’s getting us some free drinks that’s all. Figured you might need a little Dutch courage.”
It seems weird that she’d be in such a hurry to get drinks for us.
“I s’pose we’ll just sit out the rest of the show and see Jake once he’s finished.”
“Yeah I s’pose,” says Alex.
The guy from the door passes us our drinks. I skull mine and ask him for another. Alex keeps her mouth busy with the straw in her drink as she taps away to the music. We’re standing at the end of the aisle when I hear a familiar tune on the sound system.
It’s the song ‘Time of our life’ from the movie Dirty Dancing. My heart flutters as I remember dancing this scene with Jake. Looking back now I know that, that was the moment I fell in love with him.
Then there he is. Up on stage in his tight, black jeans and black Bonds top. The spotlight lighting him up. He’s a vision of pure perfection. Knowing him inside and out now, I feel sorry for every other woman who has ever had the pleasure of him, but has never held his heart as closely as I do.
Jake’s eyes fight against the spotlight and find mine. With a lump in my throat I begin to cry, this time happy tears. He blows me a kiss and places his hands over his heart. Every woman in the place looks back at the lucky lady who has clearly captured his heart. That lucky lady is me.
Jake begins to descend down the stairs as the music continues. He dances his way up the aisle just like Patrick Swayze does in the movie. Alex gives me a nudge and takes my drink as I begin to move forward. Jake rushes toward me and lifts me up in an embrace to rival all others. With my arms and legs wrapped around him, I know that this is where Sam wants me to be. We kiss briefly and I shout above the music, “I’m sorry Jake. I love you.”