“I don’t think I remember how sorry you said you are,” she murmurs, running her finger over my bulge.
“You wanna play?”
“I want my husband to show me how much he’s missed me.”
Her eyes darken and I’m sitting up and spinning us around so she’s the one on her back.
“You got it,” growl.
Chapter Twenty-One
Dex
Did I love Melissa?
If I have to question it, I couldn’t have loved her.
Fuck.
I did love her.
Why am I tormented by her if I didn’t love her?
I haven’t got a fucking clue what to think anymore. The only thing I know for sure is I’ve ruined my life here, and I killed her. Those things are crystal clear to me.
Looking at the door, I don’t bother asking to be let out again. Whoever Cas has sitting on the other side aren’t listening to me.
I have nowhere else in the world I can go, and I don’t belong here anymore, not after what I did last night.
The brothers won’t trust me to have their backs now, not when I don’t care what happens to my own.
The sun comes through the window and something gleams catching my eye, poking out from under the bed.
Crawling across the room from where I was sitting by the wall, I find Cas’s gun. There are two bullets left in the chamber.
He was right, if I was going to shoot myself, I shouldn’t do it in front of the brothers, they shouldn’t have to live with those memories.
On my own, like I deserve, is the right way.
“I’m too lost to even be a Lost Soul,” I mutter to myself and put the gun to my temple.
My hands don’t shake, there isn’t one spec of sweat on my forehead, I’m finally the calmest I’ve been in a long while.
Squeezing the trigger, nothing happens.
Releasing, and squeezing again, nothing happens.
It isn’t a rush.
Two down, four to go.
Moving the gun from my temple, to under my chin, I squeeze the trigger a third time.
Click.
Nothing.
Swallowing, I slide the gun into my mouth and know I have a one in three chance of living to try again.
I’m so entranced in the moment, I don’t hear the key in the lock and as I pull the trigger a fourth time, Cas flies across the room.
In flashes, he’s not angry like he was last night, he’s terrified, and then he’s punching me.
Blood spurts from my nose and my eyes well with water. Busted nose for sure.
“That was for being fuckin’ stupid,” he grunts and then collects me in his arms.
“I’m sorry I’ve let you down, you needed me, and I wasn’t here for you. I’m here now so if you try that shit again, I’ll be here to stop each and every time.”
“I can’t think straight…”
“Yeah, I get that, brother.”
He releases me and grabs an old tee from the corner of the room. He tries cleaning the blood from my face and I laugh.
“I’m fucked, aren’t I?”
He stops dabbing at my face and stares at me.
“Nah, you’ll be surprised how many men have tried to do themselves in over the years. Just because no one talks about it, doesn’t mean it doesn’t happen. Don’t try that shit again, I’m back to myself, come to me and talk it out.”
“She’s everywhere here, it doesn’t matter if my eyes are open or closed.”
He lifts my hand so I’m holding the tee against my nose myself, and rocks back on his heels.
“If you want, you can go nomad. You’ll still be a brother, but you’ll be free to go where ever you want. You’ll still answer to me and if I need you to do something I expect you to do it, but I can’t imagine that will be a regular thing. It will give the time and space from here you need.”
It sounds perfect.
“When can I leave?”
“As soon as I’ve run it past the club. I’ve been making too many decisions without them lately and that stops today.”
“Will I ever have to come back?”
“Not if you don’t want to, but I’m hoping you’ll return home one day. Get yourself cleaned up and meet me down in the back room. Oh, and I’ll be taking this,” he says, picking up his gun.
He makes it to the door before he says, “I really am sorry I haven’t been here, I promised you I would be after you…did what you did. Promise me you won’t try this again.”
“I won’t.”
As long as I don’t have to be here, I add silently.
He nods once and leaves the room, closing the door after him. Pulling the bloody tee away from my face, I burst out laughing.
How the fuck does life change so quickly. If those bullets had been in a different position in the chamber I would be dead now.
Climbing to my feet, I pick the mirror up from the bathroom and inspect the damage.
Cas has one powerful punch on him. He’s proper broken my fucking nose. Throwing the bloodied tee on the floor, I rinse out a towel and clean my face, careful not to add more pain.
A couple of months ago, I was prepared to live the rest of my life in this town, and now I can’t wait to leave it.
Dashing the towel on the floor next to the tee, I escape the small room and jog down the stairs. I’m the last brother to walk in the back room. Taking my usual seat, I can feel my brother’s eyes piercing through me as they settle around the table.
Humiliation knocks into me and I daren’t bring myself to look at any of them. I made an absolute fool of myself yesterday and I pray Cas doesn’t tell them what I tried to do up in my room this morning.
He slams the gavel down on the wooden table top and the room falls into silence. Sparky, Slade Rick, Pope, all the others, they have become my family and they all look to Cas, waiting to see what’s going on now.
“I haven’t been myself the last couple of weeks, and shit has happened that shouldn’t have. I promised you all when I took the gavel I wouldn’t make decisions without you, and this club would be different from the days of Michael. That changes now, from today, the shit in my head stays at the door and we vote on who we take work from.”
The tension simmering around the brothers cools and Sparky leans forward on the table.
“Has something happened?” he asks Cas.
I hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t mention the incident up in my room.
“The meet with Lopez was a farce. He wants us to carry on as normal, like we are still working with Denzel, only for ten per cent of the cut, not twenty-five.”
“That’s a bullshit offer,” Pope grunts.
“It’s embarrassing to us,” Ricky adds.
I didn’t realise Cas had this on his plate. When we left the meet, he or Sparky didn’t mention anything. I assumed it went well.
“So, I don’t think we’ll need it, but let’s vote. Who is in favour of working with Lopez?”
No one murmurs or raises their hand.
I’ve never had an abundance of cash to myself before, but even I know that’s not beneficial to the club. By the time the money is divided between the brothers, it wouldn’t cover the gas.
“Then it’s settled, we’ll look elsewhere for a supplier,” he says, and then looks at me.
He swallows heavily, and his thumb rubs against the gavel handle roughly. I know what’s coming next.
“Next up is something I blame myself for. We all know what happened the night Melissa died and we’ve all seen how Dex has been dealing with it. After yesterday’s events, Dex and I have had a long chat this morning, and we’ve agreed the best thing for him is to go nomad for a while, until he’s thinking right and acting right again. Melissa is chasing him all around here and I think putting some distance between him and her is best.”
“I agree.”
I turn my head to look at Pope. He was there that night, he watched her burn with me.
“Does anyone
disagree?” Cas asks.
Heads shake and I’m relieved.
“We’re going to miss ya,” Sparky smiles weakly.
“We’re sorry we couldn’t help you, brother,” Slade murmurs, beside me and I feel guilty.
Shaking my head, “It’s not about that, please, this is on me. I have to help myself.”
“When are you leaving?” Ricky asks next.
“Today, I think it’s better if it’s sooner rather than later.”
Leaning back in my chair, a calmness begins to wash over me, and I know I’ve made the right decision.
Chapter Twenty-Two
Cas
Maybe I should have sent him nomad after the shooting that’s fucking him sideways, or maybe I was right to keep him close. Time for self-doubt and pandering around decisions stops now.
Brothers linger around the bar, waiting on Dex to sort out his room so they can send him off with a drink. Before I can do that, there is something I have to do. I manage to leave the club unnoticed and start my bike. The ride into town is calming and by the time I ride into the motel parking lot, I’m starting to feel like myself again.
Jacqueline’s car isn’t here, but I still climb off my bike and knock on her door. I’m not expecting her to answer and when she does, I falter for a brief moment.
“Where’s your car?” I blurt out.
“It wouldn’t start, someone from the garage came and took it.”
“Oh, anyway…”
Taking a deep breath, she waits quietly for me to say why I’m here and I force myself to say the words.
“I came because it’s time shit got back to normal, I fuckin’ hate living in uncertainty. I don’t want you in my life, you had your chance and you decided on a different path for the both of us, whether it was for the best or not. I don’t want to see, or talk to you after today, I don’t want you showing up at the cemetery hoping you’ll catch me off guard. I have my family, there is no room for you. But, my boy doesn’t have any blood family besides his mom and me. If you want, you can spend time with Leo and be a grandma to him, on the condition that you only come around the house when I’m not in town, which is once a month. You can keep in contact with Alannah.”
I’m sure Alannah will be happy to do that, especially for Leo.
“Cas…thank you.”
“You best be the most doting grandma any kid has ever seen, all the shit you want to make up to me, pour it into him, cause I’m warning you now, if he gets attached to you and you disappoint him or ditch him, I don’t care if I came from your womb, I will end your life. Do you understand?”
She nods her head and again, I feel nothing threatening her. I couldn’t give a fuck she’s my mother. If you hurt my kid, I’ll kill you. It’s simple.
“I understand.”
Not another word is said, and neither of us move. If she’s hoping I’m still standing here because I’m fighting against wanting a relationship with her, she’s dead wrong. I’m scared if I move, I’ll take back the offer for her to spend time with Leo and make her disappear.
“I hope one day, you’ll change your mind.”
“I highly doubt it, and if you push for it, or try to worm Alannah around to helping you, I will end all contact with Leo. Do not push me, and do not think you can manipulate me. You have one chance.”
Again, she nods and a small smile bounces around her mouth. Almost a victory smile.
She hasn’t got one up on me, I’m calling the shots and every second she spends with Leo is because I allow it. I can easily take it away.
“Do you think I can see him today, I have a present I want to give him.”
I wasn’t expecting this so soon, I was thinking she could visit him when I’m out of town on runs, fuck knows when that will be, but if she’s serious, it wouldn’t matter how long she has to wait. She waited thirty-five years for me, a few weeks should be nothing. But, I find myself saying, “Sure, but after today, I don’t want you in my house when I’m in town.”
“Done.”
Yeah, we are done.
I turn for my bike and I’m glad she doesn’t call out anything. I tell myself that I’m happy for Leo. He gets to have a chance at having a grandparent, something Alannah nor I have ever had. Who knows, just because she’s a shit parent doesn’t mean she’ll be the same as a grandma.
I ride straight home and walking through the front door doesn’t fill me anger or resentment any more. The place is quiet, and Alannah is sat on the counter, tapping away on her phone.
“So, Jacqueline is coming around to spend some time with Leo this afternoon. She has a gift for him.”
Whatever she was looking at on her phone becomes nothing to her as she takes in what I’ve said.
“She’s coming here? You said she could?”
I nod my head and take a seat at the table.
“Babe, this is huge.”
“It’s not that big of a deal. She’ll be here soon, and I want to get out of here before she shows up.”
She slips off the counter and comes over and sits on my lap. I’m so fucking happy we’re back on track.
“You don’t have to do this, Leo has more than enough family in the club, and he has us.”
“I thought you’d be up for this,” I grunt.
“I am, but not if it costs you turmoil. It’s not worth you losing your mind.”
“That won’t happen,” I promise her.
Well, not again.
“I’m leaving it down to you now, you can make the arrangements regarding her visiting Leo. I don’t want any part of it, just make sure it’s when I’m on a run.”
“I can do that,” she vows.
There’s a knock on the door and I tense. She’s early.
Alannah slides off my lap and disappears into the hall. I stay on the chair and listen when she opens the door.
“Is he here?” I hear Jacqueline ask.
“Yes, but you can come in.”
“I wasn’t sure, but I thought I better come in case he changes his mind.”
“If Cas told you to come, he meant it.”
I hear shuffling and Alannah appears first in the kitchen, closely followed by Jacqueline holding her gift for Leo.
“I’ll go and get Leo.”
He woke from his nap ten minutes ago, but he’s been playing quietly in his crib.
I remain at the kitchen table and she hovers by the island.
“Thank you, this means everything to me.”
“Sure.”
It’s the only thing I can think of to say. I stand and slide into my cut and grab my keys.
“You don’t have to leave your home,” she murmurs.
“Yeah, I do.”
And not for her sake, for mine. I want my son to have everything I can give him, even the time he can possibly spend with family members, but I can’t stand by and watch them bond. I’d be wondering all sorts and it would drive me mental.
Alannah comes down the stairs, waiting for Leo to take each step down while she holds his hand.
I wait by the foot of the stairs and hold my arms out when he gets near the bottom. With a grin on his face, and a chuckle escaping his mouth he fearlessly jumps the last three steps and into my arms.
Swinging him up into the air, he loves the attention. Holding him against me, I hope she never hurts him. I can already feel the urge to drain her life from her and she hasn’t done anything yet.
He wriggles in my arms and I pass him over to Alannah.
“Are you sure about this?” she asks me.
“As I’ll ever be. Dex is leaving today and we’re having drinks before he goes, she has an hour with him, when she’s gone come down to the club.”
I have one hand on the door knob and Alannah leans forward and presses her lips to mine. Her reassurance is what I need.
“I’ll keep him close, don’t worry about anything here.”
Nodding, I open the door and slip outside. Waiting on the porch for a beat, I don’t hear anythi
ng from inside and I carry on to my bike.
It’s time everyone moved forward. No matter how long she sticks around for, my brothers will always come before her, and tonight, Dex needs me.
Samuel Lopez shocks the shit out of me when he climbs out of his car, flanked by three of his men as I approach the club.
I nod to the prospects that all is fine and come to a stop and park my bike by the side of the road.
“I’m surprised to see you here,” I say.
“I’m surprised you haven’t called, I’ve been waiting on it.”
“I made it clear where we stood. We’ve never been pulled over and we’ve never lost a haul we’ve been paid to deliver, we expect to be paid accordingly. Unless you’re here to rearrange the terms of a new deal, we don’t have anything else to discuss.”
Lighting a cigarette, I lean against my bike and wait for him to make the next move.
“We have a lot to discuss, I’ve thought over your deal with Denzel, and it’s been brought to my attention that you and your club are loyal and have a good track record. It’s worth paying for, so, I propose the same deal you had with Denzel and in a year’s time, we’ll revaluate.”
Well, well, well. I wasn’t expecting this when I left home.
“I have a delivery coming in today, can you be ready to go in two days?”
Of course we could. However, I don’t let this show.
“I’ll have to put it to my brothers, but I think it’s safe to say we have a deal.”
He steps forward and holds out his hand. Mirroring his movements, I shake his hand and the deal is done. Well, isn’t everything just falling into place nicely.
“I’ll have one of my guys call and fill you in on the details as and when you need them.”
Jerking my chin, I drop the cigarette butt to the ground, and return to my bike.
One of Lopez’s men opens a door to the SUV for him and he slides in, effortlessly and like the boss he is now.
Bringing my bike to life, I ride the rest of the way into the club and park in my usual spot.
The music is blaring from the bar and I hear my brothers laughing and hollering like they don’t have a care in the world.
Walking inside, I’m met with a prospect shoving a bottle of beer in my hand and Sparky throwing his arm around me.
Biker Salvation: The Lost Souls MC Book Nine Page 10