After the singings, three boys approached me and asked if I would be willing to have Abraham for a date. Everyone called him Abe for short. My fear had just become reality. A guy asked me for a date… so now what? The thought of riding home in a buggy with Abe made me nervous.
“No, I don’t want a date with him,” I answered, hoping they would go away and leave me alone.
“You have to do it, this is your first schnitz and Abe is the perfect guy for you.”
“No, I am not ready yet,” I blurted.
“You will never be ready, so you might as well just get it over with right now,” one of the guys argued.
I did not know if I should continue to say no, or just accept it. It felt like they had already made up their minds and I did not have a choice. I remained silent for ten minutes and the boys just stood there, waiting for an answer. Since it was dark, I could not see their faces very well, but I knew they were staring at me; it made me uncomfortable.
Finally, the shorter guy with a manly gruff voice broke the silence: “We are not leaving until you say yes.”
I gave in. “Ok, I will do it.” My head spun as the words tumbled out.
Abe was a tall, handsome guy and was several years older than me. He already had plenty of experience in dating and I felt I was not good enough for him; plus, he was my second cousin. I did not understand why he was still single in the first place. Most people got married by the time they were nineteen or twenty.
Happy with my decision, the boys hurried back to the barn where Abe waited for my answer. The first date is known as a schnitz, meaning “first kiss,” and here I was going home with the most eligible bachelor. And I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I was sure I was going to mess up somewhere between then and the next morning. Since my first singings experience, Jacob had made no effort to talk to me about what would be expected of me. I felt hopeless because I did not know if the rules even allowed me to ask him. How hard could it be to tell a sister what would be expected? This was not just a simple dinner and movie date, it was a complicated, “figure-it-out-on-your-own” date… . I stood nervously outside with a group of girls and, except for a bit of whispering, they were unusually quiet. It became clear they had no intention of sharing with me what was about to happen.
As I tried to absorb the idea of Abe taking me home, a buggy pulled up close to the house and someone called my name. I could not see anything except the lantern hanging on the side of the buggy. It cast a small yellowish light and threw creepy shadows on the ground. I crossed the grass to the buggy, climbed up, and sat next to Abe. Some of the guys yelled something to us and flashed a light in our eyes as Abe guided the buggy out of the driveway. I was so nervous I had no clue what the boys were yelling.
The ride home passed smoothly, but my stomach flip-flopped like a fish on a riverbank. Abe made it worse by not saying much. After what seemed like an eternity, we finally arrived at my parents’ house. Abe climbed down, unhitched the horse, and led him in the barn. I hustled upstairs, threw off my Sunday clothes, and snugged into a navy blue nightdress I had made specifically for this moment. Mem had made sure I knew I needed to make a new nightdress after I started attending the singings. I already had several nightdresses, but the colors had faded. She did not tell me anything else about what I should do to prepare, but the smile on her face told me she was proud her oldest daughter was now old enough to date. She probably thought the singings and the dating would mold me into the young, behaved, church-going lady I was supposed to be. I hoped I would not let her down.
After I had changed into my nightgown, I sat on the bed and waited. Twenty minutes later, I heard Jacob arriving home too. Since he was going steady with Abe’s sister, Anna, he had to wait until Saturday nights to have a date with her. He could take her home on Sundays after the singings, but could not stay with her.
Jacob clamored upstairs with Abe and they both came into my room. I scooted back against the wall and listened to the two boys talk. All too soon Jacob left and went to his own room. Abe sat in a chair at the end of the bed and did not say a word for a long time. Because my parents were building a three-story house at the time, we lived in a temporary building which would later become the shop. As a result, my room was partitioned off with plywood and did not even have a proper door, just a piece of cloth hanging in the doorway for a little privacy. After Jacob left the room, a hush spilled over the building, and it got so deathly quiet I could hear my sisters snoring from across the hallway. Right then I would have paid anything to be snoring too, but not with Abe in the room.
Finally, Abe took off his shoes and socks and said, “Well, it’s about 1:30, I guess it’s time to go to bed.”
My mind blanked; I did not know what to say. I laid down right where I was sitting. I wanted to hug the wall but was afraid Abe would think I did not like him. He blew out the oil lamp flame and crawled into bed under the covers. I froze and could not even swallow or breathe. What is he going to do next? I thought, panicked. Is he going to sleep? There is no way I will ever be able to sleep with him laying here. I did not have time to think long. He turned over and eased his arm under my neck, then he pulled my body up close to his and cradled me four or five times while kissing me on the cheek. Then he slid his arm away and moved a little to the side. I could not speak. If Abe had said anything to me, I did not hear him. He did this same ritual three more times before he quit and fell asleep. I was so tense and scared I did not know what to do with myself. I am sure Abe could tell I was a nervous wreck. I was so confused because I was almost certain he expected me to reciprocate, but I did not know for sure.
At 3:30 in the morning, he woke up, put on his shoes, and left to go home. I had lain awake all night and my head pounded more than my heart. So many thoughts spun through my mind, and most of them told me I would never ever have another date. I would be embarrassed for the rest of my life if I learned I did not do this date right. I lay in bed wide-awake and unable to move for two more hours after he left. Suddenly Mem called my name from the bottom of the stairs—it was time to get up and help with the chores. I sat up wishing what I had just experienced was a nightmare. A bad nightmare.
I dressed and went downstairs to help Mem make breakfast. She did not say a word about someone staying overnight, but I thought I saw a little twinkle in her eye and the tiniest smirk on her face. Her reaction baffled me, and I felt a little hurt. I slammed the dishes around so she would notice I was upset, but she ignored me. Surely my parents heard someone leaving early in the morning, but if they did hear something, they did not let on. I slinked to the basket shop that morning after breakfast, and I felt sick to my stomach. A bad headache pounded the inside of my skull. I wished I could go back to bed, but Mem depended on my help to fill the basket orders. After a long, distracted morning barely holding back my tears, Rhoda called everyone in for lunch.
§
Life went on. Several months passed before another group of guys approached me to match me up with another date. This date turned out even more embarrassing than the first one. To make things worse, my chosen date could not have been farther from the right match for me. His name was Aaron. I had seen him several times but I had never said a word to him. I had no romantic feelings for him at all. He was tall and lanky, with green eyes and blond hair. His facial features made him look older than he really was: he had a wrinkled forehead and sad droopy eyes, with an extra big nose. My guess was he was maybe eighteen years old.
It was not customary for guys and girls to talk to each other outside of church if there was potential they could have a date, so having no previous conversation with someone before being forced to stay together in a tiny bedroom was very difficult, especially when I was not attracted to the guy. Aaron and I sat in my room not uttering a single word, which made it a very awkward night. By then we had just moved into our new house, so I had a proper door for my room and real walls, not just plywood. I could not hear anyone snore anymore, and this only made it quieter.
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After more than thirty minutes of absolute silence, Aaron did something very strange: he got up and left. He had already taken off his shoes, but he put them back on, walked out the bedroom door, and hurried down the stairs. At first I was curious as to why he did not say what he planned to do, then I thought maybe he only needed to use the bathroom, which the men could do anywhere. But after ten minutes I heard a horse and buggy crunching down the driveway. Aaron had left! What a brilliant idea he came up with, I thought. No one will ever know we did not actually have a date. On the next date I would just tell the guy to leave after everyone had gone to bed. I lay down with such a sense of relief I managed to get four hours of sleep before it was time to get up.
The next Sunday in church, though, I noticed the young people laughing and making fun of me because of what Aaron did. I could not understand why leaving was such a bad thing. Why did he tell anyone about it at all? It did not take me long to realize he did it just to embarrass me. I was hurt and angry, not only with him, but with everyone else too. My insecurity level shot through the roof.
§
A month later, my next date turned out better than the previous ones, except, again, the guy was by far not my type. He was known to be mentally off, and he was desperately looking for a girlfriend, which he made quite obvious by his actions. He tried too hard to be flirty—it was not even attractive. His forced smile was not cute either.
It all started one late November Sunday evening after the singing was finished; a couple of guys approached me and wanted me to give permission for Elmer to take me home for a date. I almost fainted. I could not picture myself having a date with this guy. As it turned out, Elmer had indeed said he wanted a date with me. I argued with the guys for a while, telling them they were crazy for trying to set this up.
Nevertheless, I gave in. Standing up for myself never seemed to work, and after all, wasn’t I supposed to obey? Elmer was in a good mood that evening and he chitchatted all the way home. It was twelve miles from where the singings took place to my house, and it took a good hour with a horse and buggy. It was the longest buggy ride I ever had. To make matters worse, the night was chilly so we had to cover up with a buggy blanket. Elmer kept tucking his side of the blanket in tighter and tighter. Inch-by-inch my end of the blanket disappeared, leaving me exposed to the clear night air. I realized he was trying to pull it away from me so I would have to sit closer to him to keep warm, but I did not give in to his little game. The more he pulled on the blanket the harder I sat on it. By the time we got to my house, my legs were numb from bracing myself so hard. I jumped off the buggy quickly and wobbled upstairs to my room. I took off my shoes as fast as I could and wiggled my feet to get the blood flowing again.
Elmer went to the barn to put up the horse. Then he came to my room, along with Jacob and some of the neighbor boys who had initially asked me to have a date with Elmer. The guys hung around my room for a while, visiting and joking around. I kept very quiet and sat on the bed with my back against the wall. After a while, they all left, including Elmer, who followed them outside. Jacob waited a little bit by the door until the others were out of hearing distance.
“Don’t let Elmer do anything to you,” he whispered.
Before I could say anything, he shut the door and hurried down the stairs to catch up with the rest of the guys. I sat on the edge of the bed, completely stunned. Why did Jacob say that? His face looked a little worried, but I did not understand why. I wished I had had a chance to talk to my brother—his warning scared me. I thought if Jacob had any say-so in the matter, he would not have let Elmer have a date with me. I came to find out during my date with Elmer that I had not done what was expected on my date with Abe. My hunch had been right after all. Of course, I had to discover it on my own.
We chatted most of the night and followed the same routine, just like Abe had done. This time I reciprocated. I still felt awkward, and my gut roiled the whole time, but Elmer did not try anything inappropriate.
§
My fourth date turned out to be a disaster as well. I seemed to be a magnet for guys who were not my type, and each time I did not have a choice in the matter. Henry was Aaron’s brother. This time I was prepared to keep him in my room, just in case he decided to leave like his brother did. Sure enough, after about two hours in my bed with me, he got up and started to put on his shoes, but I stopped him. There was no way the other guys and girls would make fun of me at church again.
“You can’t leave yet,” I told him.
Without saying a word he climbed back into bed. I was a little hurt he wanted to leave. For goodness sake, why did he agree to have a date with me if he wanted to leave so soon? Henry soon fell asleep, but I could not sleep and I kept wondering if I had done the right thing by telling him he could not leave. What if he only needed to use the bathroom? If that is what he was going to do, then he probably thought I was a control freak.
The severe headache I had the next day did not make my date worth all the trouble. I wished I had let him go home when he started to leave. I did not know which was worse: telling a guy to stay even when I wished he was a hundred miles away, or letting him go home and opening up the door for people to laugh behind my back again. But if they ever found out I had made him stay they would laugh anyway. Every date seemed to go wrong, each in a new and different way, which made me feel more and more insecure.
I did not want to date any more guys; it just was not worth losing an entire night’s sleep over it. However, I did have a crush on one guy for several years, starting when I first saw him at age twelve. Levi was tall and slender, with a good sense of humor and a mischievous attitude. I never said a word to him, but I hoped with all my heart that someday he would ask me for a date. His sisters and I were good friends and we had fun whenever we visited. My wish did not come true, however, and my hopes were crushed when I learned one day he had run away from home. He left the Amish and moved to Nebraska. The only guy in the entire community I wanted to date was now history.
Levi’s running away devastated me to the point I could not eat without wanting to throw up. I wanted to leave home worse than ever. I could not help but wonder what would have happened if Levi and I had started dating. Would he have taken me with him? For all I knew I could have been wearing jeans, watching television, driving a car, and wearing lipstick without fear of punishment. Instead, I was still Amish, bound by rules that made no sense, and hating my life. I also thought maybe if we had started dating, we both would have stayed Amish and accepted the rules as they were. Just maybe I would finally have been happy. I did not tell anyone how disappointed I was when Levi left. I even lied to Mem and told her I was coming down with the flu when she asked why I looked so pale and sad.
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After so many awkward dates and hating every minute of them, I grew even more certain I wanted to leave the Amish. I began to panic because I felt trapped between what I wanted and what the Amish culture required. It was worse when I got sick again, several months after Levi left. This time I did not lie to Mem. I got dizzy very easily and had a weird kind of headache that would not go away. And I began to lose weight. I was scared, not because of my sickness, but because I thought God was punishing me for wanting to leave home. My life was in such turmoil I could not even understand myself. I definitely could not make my parents understand because they would have gone crazy if they knew I wanted to leave.
My parents took me to several different doctors to figure out what was causing my headaches, but to no avail. My suffering continued for a while longer, and I gradually recovered enough to give dating one more try. By then I was seventeen and had determined to figure out a way to be happy without leaving the Amish. I thought if I could find something which made me feel like I belonged, then my Amish life would be so much easier. My only option was to accept the dating rules and maybe steadily date a guy so I could fit in with the rest of the girls who had boyfriends.
My next date was with Norman. In order to give my Am
ish life one more shot, I was less reluctant toward the guys when they first approached me to ask if I would take Norman for a date. To my surprise, after the date was over and he was getting ready to go home, he asked if he could continue seeing me, and I said yes. I liked Norman—he was handsome, laidback, and quiet. Maybe too quiet, because we did not talk much. He was Abe’s brother, so I was dating a second cousin, which I did not care for, but it was common practice among the Amish. I wanted to date Norman because I thought if I had a boyfriend I would fit in and my life would change, but it did not. I only tortured myself more by trying to date someone I liked, but who was someone with whom the chemistry just was not there. It did not matter how handsome he was, it clearly was not working as I had thought. After almost two months, I gave Norman the “glove.” “Giving the glove” was an expression used to break up with someone.
As time passed, I got more and more miserable and lonely; I did not know what to do with myself. I desperately tried to find something to make me happy so I could stay with the Amish, but I failed. I was convinced I needed to leave because I was not meant to be Amish anymore. Faking my happiness drained all my energy. I was searching for something I was missing out on, but it seemed to be out of reach. I continued to pray and hope I could find someone to help me get away.
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It disturbed me that the Amish would let their teenagers have a date in the girl’s bedroom, but it was the only way they allowed dating. It had been a tradition for years. There was really nothing else a dating couple could do because they were not allowed to be seen together during the day.
After I started dating, I realized how embarrassing it was when English people wanted to know how the Amish date. No one could understand why parents would let guys go upstairs to their daughter’s room to hang out. The main concern people had was about teenagers being intimate, but that was not supposed to happen, and if it did, the couple had to confess it in church privately with the elders.
Runaway Amish Girl Page 6