The End.
Dear Dr. Ming,
Since she couldn’t drive and was home all day, my mother ordered things from a home shopping channel. She liked to buy small items she could hold in her hands and would place them oddly around the house. She was so childlike sometimes that I was forced to switch roles with her and be the doting parent when she did things like put a pencil sharpener in the bathroom to keep “them” from seeing me in the shower. Dad and I returned so much of what she bought that eventually the company didn’t allow her to order anything else.
The End.
Dear Dr. Ming,
You’ve heard people say that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity. It’s actually a quote by Albert Einstein. But if Ol’ Al were alive and witnessing my daily life here at The Boothe Center, he would confirm that I am insane. And so are you for expecting me to conform. Let’s have a look at my schedule, shall we?
I get up at 7 a.m.
At 7:15, my vitals are taken.
At 7:30, a female nurse stands outside of my shower to make sure I don’t off myself while washing my hair.
I can go nowhere unattended due to the above named fear.
At 8 a.m., breakfast.
At 8:30, journal time, which I despise.
At 10 a.m., individual therapy, which I also despise.
At 11:30 a.m., vitals again. Then lunch.
After lunch, I have schoolwork.
At 3 p.m., group therapy, which I despise and loathe.
At 4 p.m., I can journal, do arts and crafts, or go to the library.
Yay.
Fucking.
Me.
At 5 p.m., I’m escorted to dinner.
At 6 p.m., more reflective time.
At 8 p.m., a nurse takes my vitals again and gives me meds to help me sleep because I can’t always do it on my own.
In summary, I read. I overthink. I eat salad because the rest of the food here sucks. I mean, who the hell eats sushi?
I listen to rich kids complain about their lives, relive the night I witnessed my mother die, barely write about it, but never talk about it.
Monotony.
Insanity.
The End.
I reached over Wes and flipped to the last entry I was going to allow him to read because it summed up how I felt before I left Boothe.
Dear Dr. Ming,
My mother was sick, and she’s dead now. I’m never going to feel better about either of those things, no matter how much I think about, or talk about them. You want me to open up in therapy, but what I want is to gain some normalcy. Focus on something other than all the bad shit that’s happened in the last year. I want some space from it. Distance. Separation. It’s like, all dead mom all the time. I’m so tired of being asked to regurgitate my feelings. Every. Single. Day. I have nothing to say. I’ve been over all of it a million times in my head and don’t want to dwell on it anymore. I want to move forward. I want peace. I need it more than anything else you could offer me.
The End.
Wes closed the journal and looked at me. I tried my best not to make eye contact. I felt like I’d just allowed him to see me naked or something.
“The night I torched the pool house, I thought about burning up with it. I know it was because I was so fucking high. Vodka and weed don’t mix well. After I sobered up and remembered how I’d felt, I was grateful that I’d had enough brain function to get the hell out of there. It scared me enough to be more careful. I never want to feel that way again.”
I was shocked by his confession, but didn’t want to let on. I rested my head against his shoulder and curved an arm around his in an effort to comfort him.
“I should go,” he said, his voice quiet, regretful.
“I won’t say anything,” I promised.
“I know.” Wes untangled his arm from mine and got up from the couch.
“Are we okay?” I asked, worried that he was leaving, not because of what he’d shared, but because of what he’d learned about me.
He gave me a smile that was obvious he’d struggled to provide and said, “Always. See you tomorrow?”
“See you tomorrow,” I confirmed.
I grabbed my journal, walked him out, then went to Betty’s office, where I took note of two degrees framed and hanging on the wall. She was a lawyer and had gotten her bachelor’s degree from Stearns University, my school of choice. In the corner, behind her desk, I spotted what I was looking for. I glanced one last time though the entries in my journal before switching on the paper shredder, tearing out the pages, and turning them into confetti.
24
W hen I went downstairs to eat before group, Dad was sitting at the kitchen island drinking coffee.
“Ellen’s gone shopping, but she put some fruit in the fridge for you.”
“She’s the best,” I said.
“She’s very fond of you, too.”
I grabbed a fork from the drawer and found a thermos next to the coffee maker.
“That’s yours, too,” Dad said.
I sat next to him and began eating my fruit.
“Have you been sleeping okay?” he asked.
“Yeah.”
“Still doing okay on the medication?”
“Yes.”
I guess that reminded him that I hadn’t taken it yet, so he retrieved it for me.
“How’s group going?”
“Fine.”
“No elaboration?”
“No,” I said, and swallowed the pill.
“Okay. Well, Betty told me that you haven’t chosen a college yet.”
“Nope.”
“But you’re going?”
“Yes.”
“How are things with Wes?”
“Fine.”
“You’ve been seeing a lot of each other. Are you two dating now?”
We’d been together every day since I’d let him read my journal and had more in-depth conversations about one another, went swimming, to the movies, and even shopping, where he bought more pastel colored preppy boy clothes. It felt good being with him, and gave me something to look forward to when I woke in the mornings.
“We’re still not dating, Dad. What’s with all the questions?”
“I just want to know what’s going on with you.”
“The usual.”
“Not the usual. Things are different now. You’ve made friends and are spending a lot of time with a boy you seem to like, and, um…”
I looked at him, eyebrows high. “And, um, what?”
“Are you having sex?”
“With Wes?”
“With anyone?”
I gasped. “No! I’m not. Why did you even ask me that?”
“You and I haven’t had the talk and—”
I interrupted him laughing. “I know what causes pregnancy and how to prevent it, so don’t worry.”
“It’s not just that. There are a lot of things we haven’t talked about. I know I wasn’t always fair to you when your mother was living. You weren’t being social. You didn’t date or bring home friends. You made it easy for me to think you were okay. That you didn’t need me. But I should have asked. I’m sorry that I didn’t. I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you in the way I should have been.”
“I know it was hard taking care of her and that’s why I made such an effort to not trouble you further. Mom had to come first.”
“I love you so much, Samantha. I want the best of everything for you. I want you to have a great life.”
“I want that too, Dad. I’m taking it one day at a time. I laugh more now. I cry less. I feel better.”
Dad smiled. “I know this is your first time being close with a boy. I just don’t want you to be hurt or have your heart broken. Boys aren’t always kind.”
“I know. I like Wes. I like the way I feel when he’s around, but I’m okay when he’s not. I’m even okay knowing that he just wants to be friends. I won’t break, Daddy.
I may bend to the brink of it, but I promise not to break.”
Dad covered his mouth, hung his head, and sobbed. I hadn’t seen him cry like that since I was a kid. Not even when he’d learned my mother was dead. I think he’d been silently preparing to lose her for years. I guess, in a way, I had too, but I never could have imaged her death the way it happened. After all the years of struggling, I expected it to be more drawn out.
I hugged Dad, and he held onto me so tight that it hurt. “I loved your mother with everything I had, but I couldn’t save her, as much as I wanted to, as hard as I tried. I couldn’t heal her.”
“I understand why you’re worried, but it’s going to be okay. I’m going to be okay.” It was the first time I’d said those words out loud. And the only time I’d halfway believed them.
“Just promise me you’ll be careful and that you’ll tell me if you need anything.”
I nodded.
He patted my shoulder and gave me a loving smile teeming with concern. “I’ll meet you in the car.”
25
I ’d learned that Charlie was going to be out of town for the Fourth of July weekend during our last group meeting when Dr. Pierce asked everyone what they had planned.
I’d hoped I could tag along with Wes, but he already had a non-date lined up, so Charlotte invited me to go with her and Austin. I had no idea what to wear, so I asked Betty for help, and she was more than happy to take me shopping. I chose a fitted navy cocktail dress. It was short and had a lace overlay and halter neckline, which I wouldn’t have known if the sales girl hadn’t told me.
Once we had the dress, Betty offered to help me style my hair and I accepted. At home, she and I went to her and Dad’s room, which I’d never been in before. It was strange. I knew he was sharing a bed with her, but seeing the actual bed made it real. The two of them slept there, had sex, talked, and laughed. Things he’d once done with my mother in another place. When I was young, I would hear my mom and dad laughing when their bedroom door was closed. I always wondered what was so funny, but was too afraid of the dark to get up and ask. Once I was older and figured out what was actually happening, I was glad I hadn’t wandered into their room.
Betty sat me down at the makeup station in her bathroom, brushed my hair, and twisted the straight strands around hot rollers. “If you’re interested, I have way too many lipsticks in the drawer on the left. You can try any of them you’d like.”
I sampled a few and settled on a deep red I thought looked nice with my brown eyes and auburn hair. Betty agreed, smiling. I put on a little more makeup and got dressed before she removed the rollers from my hair, which fell in silky waves down my back.
“You’re stunning,” Betty said, taking a final look at me.
I glanced into the mirror and hardly recognized myself. I thanked her for her help and waited while she dressed, so that we could go downstairs to meet Dad together. Although he didn’t complain, I could tell that he didn’t like the short length of my dress, so I told them I’d see them later and went outside to wait for Charlotte.
Wes was in his driveway talking on the phone. He was dressed in head to toe charcoal gray, and looked perfectly polished. I wondered who he was bringing to the party and why he’d made such an effort to look so good for her. His eyes soaked me up from head to toe. “I’ve gotta go,” he said to whoever was on the phone and tossed the device into the driver’s seat of the Range Rover. “I thought you weren’t doing the makeover thing,” he said, then playfully smiled at me.
“In favor of making an effort with Betty, I let her do my hair, and she offered me some makeup.” I shrugged. “I don’t hate how it turned out.”
“That lipstick is very red.”
I automatically touched my lips. “Is it too much?”
“No.” He swallowed. “If you ever want to distract a guy, red lipstick is the way to do it.”
“Even you?”
“I just hung up on someone because of it.”
“I’m sure Betty wouldn’t mind lending it to you, too,” I joked, making him laugh.
Charlotte and Austin drove up and honked the horn, stealing my attention from Wes. She hopped out of the passenger seat grinning from ear to ear as a boy exited the backseat in seemingly slow motion. My insides wilted. She had set me up. Again.
“Samantha darling, this is William Andrews. He’s Austin’s cousin.” She proudly waved her arm toward him, as if ushering me toward my destiny.
William was dressed in navy and white. His light blond hair was neatly slicked back. He had a sort of baby face and hazel eyes like Austin. I hoped the resemblance ended there.
“I hope it’s okay that I’m accompanying you tonight. I decided to come to town last minute. Charlotte said it would be fine if I tagged along.” Instead of waiting for me to say something, William turned to talk to Wes.
“I thought I asked you not to set me up after the Nate thing,” I quietly said to Charlotte.
“It’s not a set-up. He’s just riding with us. It’s not a big deal, Sam. Relax.”
We got into Austin’s car and as we drove to the club, I watched Wes for as long as I could without being too obvious.
The usual candle centerpieces in the club’s dining area had been replaced with red, white, and blue flower arrangements, but nothing else was different. The guests were a mixture of young and old. Hors d’oeuvres and drinks were passed from carts, jazz music played, and not much else was happening, except I noticed a lot of eyes on me, which wasn’t a normal occurrence and made me slightly uncomfortable.
“Is this all that happens?” I asked Charlotte.
“It’s a country club party, so yes. We never stay long. We’re going to Austin’s when we leave here.”
I followed William and Charlotte and Austin while they mingled for half an hour before we left to go to Austin’s. His walkout was already full of people when we got there. William played shot roulette with Max and some others. I watched for a while before going outside to get some air.
I was considering going home, figuring no one would notice if I left, when I saw Wes for the first time since leaving his house. The girl he was with was pretty. But they were always pretty. Like most of the guys, he’d changed clothes. It was too hot to be outside in a suit. He walked over to me and smiled, which made me feel that being there was worth it.
“What’d you think of the party?” he asked.
“It blew.”
“Always does. That’s why we only stay thirty minutes. I thought you’d be with Charlie tonight.”
“He’s out of town.”
“Well, I’m sure my sister has high hopes that you and William will hit it off, but I don’t think he likes girls.”
I smiled. He certainly hadn’t admired me in this dress the way Wes and others boys had.
“How’s it going with your non-date?” I asked with a smirk.
He licked his lips. “She’s super bitchy.”
“You seem to like those.”
“As I said, they’re easier to rid of.” Wes took his flask from his shorts pocket and took a sip.
“Sam!” Charlotte reached out and touched my face, her own flushed from drunkenness. She giggled and then held her hand out. “I want a shot,” she said, reaching for Wes’s flask.
“You’re going to be sick if you don’t slow down. Drink water.”
Charlotte smacked her lips and her tongue stuck to the roof of her mouth. “Okay. One water. But only because I have cotton mouth.”
“I’m going to find Austin. Charlotte’s going to need him soon,” Wes said to me.
Charlotte’s eyes widened. “How’s it going with William?”
“It’s not.”
“You are so stubborn. He’s worth making an effort for.”
“I’m not interested in him.”
“Because of Wes? You know you’re wasting your time there. He doesn’t date.”
“Not because of Wes.”
“Then why?”
“Charlie,�
�� I lied.
“Charlie the waiter?” she asked, shocked.
“Yes.”
“Oh. My. Gosh! Why didn’t you say something?”
“Because I don’t want you to interfere.”
She laughed. “I do that, don’t I? It’s only because I care, Samantha darling.” The music abruptly changed, making her ears perked up. “I love this song. Gotta go dance,” she said and skipped away.
I stood still and took in my surroundings. Boys shot-gunning beer. Girls flirting and gossiping. Arm wrestling. Laughing. Shouting. A shove ending in a hug. Girls trying to chat up Wes. His non-date covering him like a blanket.
“Hello, Samantha darling,” Austin said, watching Charlotte in awe as she danced in a circle while reciting lyrics to an old rap song.
“Why did it take you two so long to get together?” I asked him. “Wes said you’ve been flirting forever.”
Austin grinned. “I know we’ve only just met, Samantha darling, but certainly you’ve noticed my penchant for debauchery.”
“I think that’s one of the things she finds so attractive about you.”
“I know.” His smile grew wider. “If you repeat this, I’ll deny it. It took me so long to make a move because I was afraid that once we’d slept together and the sexual tension had been curbed that she wouldn’t want me for anything else. And that would have killed me because I love her crazy ass. But also, I knew if I didn’t make a move that night that I never would because I had already allowed a ton of opportunities to pass by. I had to take the risk. She was worth it.”
Charlotte waved for Austin to come dance with her. Before doing so, he leaned close to me and said, “Seize the moment, Sam darling. You may just end up with what you want.”
After watching them for a while longer, I decided it was time for me to go home and went inside to use the bathroom before making the walk to my house. When I came out, I spotted Wes talking to his non-date across the room and frowned. Before I could get to the door to leave, a boy I’d never met put his hands on my waist, stopping me. “Damn, you look good,” he said, his eyes raking up and down my body. “That dress is something else. How about we find an empty room upstairs, so I can take it off of you?”
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