“I’m sorry I couldn’t give you what you wanted.” He sounded so defeated.
“Did you sleep with that girl?” I asked, barely able to see through the tears in my eyes.
“Sam…”
I shook my head. “I shouldn’t have asked. I feel like a fucking idiot. I think if a person could actually die of embarrassment that it would happen to me right now.” Dodging his eyes, I said, “I’m tired. I’ve had a really shitty day and I need to go to bed and put it behind me.”
“I can stay if you want me to.”
I wiped my face. “My stupid heart wants you to. The damn thing always wants you close. But even drunk, my brain is smarter than my heart, and it is screaming for me to tell you to go.”
“I don’t want you to think I don’t care about you.” His voice shook.
“I’m painfully aware that you just want to be friends. You don’t have to say it again. It would only embarrass me more.”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“I feel awful enough as it is. Please don’t say anything else. Just… leave me.”
Wes reached out to touch me, but I moved away. When I did, he reluctantly left, and I cried until I fell asleep.
34
I hadn’t talked to Charlie since we’d slept together. In a way, I was glad. It had taken me a few days to get over everything. As I walked down the hallway to group, he grabbed me and led me into a different room.
“What happened to your eye?” I asked. It was bruised.
“Wes punched me for not being nicer to you when we slept together. Why didn’t you tell me it was your first time? And why the hell did you tell Wes how you felt instead of me?”
“Probably for the same reason you didn’t tell me you’re rich. After all the grief you gave me over Betty’s money, Austin said you have as much as he does.”
Charlie’s face paled. “How does Austin know?”
“His father runs the investment company that handles your money.”
“I didn’t know that. After the court case settled, the parents of the kid who killed our parents asked to meet with my sister. She came home with a very large check. She split the money in half. She used some to buy a house and invested the rest. I’ve not touched my half and probably never will.”
“You still lied to me.”
“You lied to me, too. You should have told me that you’d never had sex before.”
“Why? Would it have made it different?”
“I don’t know. I feel like it’s something I should have known.”
“You didn’t ask, so you obviously didn’t give a shit about my history.”
“You didn’t ask about mine either.”
“Because I don’t care.”
Charlie nodded slowly, gathering his thoughts. “Is it who I’ve slept with that you don’t care about, or is it me?”
“I’m just not there yet.”
“Then why the hell did you sleep with me?”
“It’s complicated.”
“You and Wes? Is that what’s complicated?”
I drew in a long breath and exhaled, “Maybe.”
“That’s fucked up, Sam. If you want him, you shouldn’t have led me on.”
“I didn’t lead you on. I gave you what you wanted.”
“I could get sex anywhere. There are plenty of girls willing to let me have it. I felt differently about you. I wanted a relationship.”
At that moment, I knew exactly how Wes felt about me. About not wanting a relationship, and it hurt my heart. “I can’t give you anything more.”
Charlie’s expression turned sour, and he left the room. I followed him, fearing what he would do as he entered the therapy room.
He sat down in his usual seat and I in mine, hoping that he wouldn’t say anything.
“Good morning,” Dr. Pierce said. “How was your week?”
After Claire talked about all of the small things she’d stolen and Morris rambled about his video games, Charlie spoke. “Sam and I had sex, so I can’t be here anymore.”
“I knew something was going on!” Claire gasped.
“You’re a dick,” I told Charlie.
“So are you. You should have been honest.”
“And you shouldn’t have? You get a pass for keeping something from me, but I don’t?”
“I lied about money. You lied about wanting to be with me. There’s a huge difference.”
“It’s not that I didn’t want it…”
“You’d just rather be with him.”
“Who is him?” Claire asked.
“Doesn’t matter. He doesn’t want me that way.”
“Then why does Charlie have a black eye?” Claire asked.
“Charlie, you’re dismissed,” Dr. Pierce said.
Charlie popped out of his seat and headed for the door, turning to glare at me before he exited. “I hope I never have to see you again.”
“Wow, that was intense,” Claire announced, wide-eyed.
“Can I leave, too?” I asked Dr. Pierce.
“Give him a five minute head start. I’ll have to speak with Dr. Ming about this,” Dr. Pierce said lowly, so no one else would hear.
Great. Now the whole world would know.
I walked straight to Wes’s house. He was in the shower. I stood outside of the bathroom door until he appeared. His lower body was wrapped in a towel. He had a bruise on his cheek and his lip was swollen. Charlie had hit back.
“You shouldn’t have said anything to Charlie,” I said, startling him. “You shouldn’t have hit him. Charlie and I are in the same therapy group. That’s how we know each other. Because of what you told him I said, he came to group and announced to everyone that we’d had sex, and then he broke up with me.”
“Good. The guy’s an asshole.”
“Last week, you were pushing me to be with him. Give Charlie another chance, Sam. Go to him, Sam,” I mimicked his voice.
“I was wrong. He’s not a good guy.”
“It wasn’t your place to tell him I was a virgin. It wasn’t your place to tell him anything about me at all.”
“I was pissed, Sam! He didn’t treat you well. You were so upset. He made you cry.”
“You’ve made me cry.”
Wes looked deeply at me. “I never would have done to you what he did.”
“And I never would have slept with him if you hadn’t practically told me to.”
His eyes widened. “You said you didn’t want him! You can’t blame me for something you chose to do, Samantha darling.”
I stared at Wes, at the water dripping from his wet hair and running down his chest, soaking into the towel around his waist. I wanted him to want me so much that my core ached.
“I don’t want to see you again,” I finally said.
“Fine.” Wes shrugged, went back to the bathroom, and closed the door in my face.
35
I was outside staring into the pool, semi-contemplating falling into it and testing to see how long I could hold my breath when Betty came out and sat down beside me.
“Everything okay?”
“Considering I always say yes, I guess I’ll say it now.”
“How about you be honest instead?”
“Charlie broke up with me.”
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine. I didn’t like him that much anyway.”
“I haven’t seen Wes in several days, either.”
“Yeah, well, I ruined that relationship too. I developed feelings. He didn’t. We couldn’t get past it.”
“I’m sorry. That first crush can be hard on your heart.”
“It feels like more than a crush.”
Betty nodded, appearing unsure of what to say, so I gave her an out. “It sucks, but I’ve survived worse.”
She took a deep breath and exhaled.
“What is it?” I asked.
After a long pause, she said, “I know the last time I brought up college it didn’t go over too well, but
classes begin in a couple of weeks. I wondered if you’d chosen a school.”
“It may be too late for me to go to Stearns. I didn’t reply after I was accepted.”
“Well, because your guidance counselor at Lancaster told us that Stearns was your top pick, I sent in the card, just in case. Replying in May gets you a better dorm room. I’m sorry. I know I’ve overstepped a lot, but—”
“No.” I gasped, excited. “I’m glad you did it. Thank you so much.”
I didn’t want to be the only kid left behind once the others had gone to school. It would have been super depressing being here while the rest of the world was getting on with their lives.
“They sent me a letter a while back. I didn’t open it because I thought it was bad news.”
Betty smiled. “You should open it.”
Upstairs, I tore open the letter. It was my dorm assignment. I was so happy. I just hoped that my roommate wasn’t a bitch, then laughed, not caring if she was.
I ran back downstairs and showed Betty, who was just as excited as me. I thanked her again for reserving my place, and then we went to her office, and she helped me register for classes.
36
B ecause of the disruption Charlie and I had caused, Dr. Pierce was forced to dismiss everyone else after he and I left, and rescheduled our group meeting for Saturday. Dr. Ming had called and asked me to meet her in his office before the group that she’d worked so hard to put together for me, met for the final time.
She sat on the edge of the desk with her arms crossed looking down at me. “Charlie has left the group.”
“I figured. Are you going to tell my dad what happened?”
“It’s not my place, Sam. You’re an adult. But entering into a sexual relationship can make—”
“It wasn’t… that. It was one time. Not at big deal.”
“Sex is always a big deal.”
“Not to everyone. Not every time, anyway.”
“Were you safe?”
“Condom.”
“How are you emotionally?”
“He didn’t break anything but my hymen.”
Wes, however, had broken my heart.
Dr. Ming smirked. “Have you written about it?”
“I’m not documenting that mistake anywhere, so no, there will be no journal entries about Charlie and me.” I knew if I told her I’d destroyed my journal that I would be chided further, and I was ready to get out of there.
“You have one session left in order to finish the court’s requirement. We could have a one-on-one today, or you could return to the group and face your peers.”
I shook my head. “I’ll face my stupid peers.”
“If you need to talk—”
“I won’t.” I got up and went to the therapy room.
Dr. Pierce was pissed that Charlie and I had broken the rule and upset the entire group, shifting the discussion from dead parents to sex.
Claire was oddly curious about my and Charlie’s encounter, and Morris seemed just as interested in the details.
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“You have to. It’s, like, the elephant in the room.”
“We did it. We shouldn’t have. It’s over.”
“But it’s not, because I think about it every time you pop into my brain,” Claire said.
“Focus on stealing more lighters.”
“Who punched Charlie?”
“Someone you don’t know.”
“Okay.” Dr. Pierce sounded exhausted. “Let’s commence, if possible, without the mention of Sam and Charlie’s relationship outside of the group. Mike has chosen to leave as well. He’s opted for one-on-one sessions, which are more helpful to him. Also, today is Sam’s final required meeting, so I’d like to discuss if you, Claire and Morris, would like to continue.”
“I’m good,” Morris said. “I don’t think I need any more therapy, and it’s not going to be the same without Sam and Charlie arguing.”
“I agree,” Claire said. “If Sam’s not going to cough up any juiciness then I won’t be here after this week either.”
And just like that our group dissolved.
Before I left, I apologized to Dr. Pierce for disrupting the group and for my inability to be comfortable talking about my life with a room full of strangers. For being unable to trust them with my truths. It made him less upset with me, but still, I knew that trying to help someone who didn’t want it must have been frustrating given all he’d been through.
“I hope you find someone you can open up to.”
“I already have. It’s helped a lot.”
“That’s what’s important. Good luck to you, Samantha Roberts.”
“And to you, Dr. Phillip Pierce.” I said his full name to prove that I actually had been listening to him that first day.
37
I guess since nothing had gone awry while they were in Denver, Dad and Betty felt okay leaving me alone again when she was called to Houston a few days later.
I’d spent the day finishing a book Dr. Ming had given me about living with a mentally ill parent. It was full of stories like mine, and worse. Parts of it were tough to get through, and although it was only six o’clock, I was exhausted. Mentally drained and starving. Seconds after I’d gone to the kitchen to make a sandwich, I heard tapping on the sliding glass door and nearly jumped out of my skin.
It was Charlotte wanting me to come to Austin’s for the final game night before everyone began leaving for school.
“Is Wes going to be there?” I asked.
“Austin invited him.” Her expression softened. “I saw his face. He wouldn’t tell me what happened.”
“He and Charlie fought.”
Charlotte’s eyes bugged out. “Why?”
“I don’t feel like talking about it.”
“Are you still dating him?”
“No.”
“Wes is being weirder than usual. Did something happen between you two, other than him getting pissy about you drinking?”
“No.”
“I’m going to let you lie to me because it’s not really my business, but don’t stay here all alone. Come to the party.”
“The last time I saw Wes, I made it clear that I didn’t want to see him again.”
“Yeah, well, we both know that’s a lie. It might be your last chance to air everything out. He’s leaving for school tomorrow.”
“Good thing Bradford is far away.”
“He transferred to Stearns. It took two years for him to get in. It was weird not seeing him every day when he was at Bradford.”
“You’re at Stearns, too?” I’d assumed she also attended Bradford College.
“Yeah. Most of us are.” Her eyes brightened. “Is that where you’re going?”
“It’s where I was going.”
“You can’t let my stupid brother stop you. Besides, the campus is huge. You wouldn’t have to see him if you didn’t want to.”
“I’d want to. That’s the problem.”
Sympathy poured from her eyes. “Being friends with you has been good for Wes. I mean, he’s still a slut. But he’s a more thoughtful slut. I hope you two can work it out.”
“I’m not sure that’s possible.”
“C’mon, Sam darling. Anything is possible. I’ll see you in a little while.”
After Charlotte left, I wasn’t hungry anymore. It took me an hour to decide to go to Austin’s. She was right. I was lying about not wanting to see Wes again. I didn’t want our relationship to end in anger. We’d truly become friends and had shared so much with one another that what was happening kind of seemed impossible.
I fixed myself up a little to keep from appearing so sad before walking to Austin’s house. There were only a handful of people there when I arrived. They were lined up at the kitchen bar with shot glasses in hand. Max was on the opposite side filling the glasses with what looked like vodka.
“Get in line, Sam, before these heathens drink it all,” Max called to
me.
“She doesn’t drink,” Wes called back. The sound of his voice made my stomach flip.
Max shrugged and kept pouring. “More for the heathens.”
I glimpsed Wes seated nearby. He was staring at me so hard that it made me uncomfortable.
“I can answer for myself.”
“I said it to remind you. I don’t want you blaming me for another bad choice.”
“I never blamed you,” I scoffed.
Wes’s eyes were laser focused on me. “Yes, you did. Speaking of Charlie, have you made up with him yet?”
“Have you?” I retorted.
Wes cracked a grin. His lip had healed and the purple spot had faded from his cheek. “I don’t plan on seeing him again.”
“Okay,” Austin announced, clapping his hands once. “Let’s get started before we’re all too drunk to play. Tonight, it’s Spin-The-Bottle with a twist. I’ll pass out cards with a body part listed on them, and you, as the spinner, must kiss the person the bottle lands on wherever the card they’re holding says. Unfortunately, this game is rated PG because Harlot has threatened to chop off my balls if I kiss another girl in a naughty place.”
“You’re whipped,” some guy called.
“No, I’m just very attached to my balls. Let’s play.”
Everyone got up and sat on the floor in a circle. There were only ten of us. Austin sat down, pulled a card from the deck he held, and then passed it around. My card said shoulder.
Wes was sitting across from me and was making heavy-duty eye contact. So I gave it back to him.
During the first round of the game people kissed toes and fingers and hair and every other basic body part imaginable. It took eight spins before someone landed on me. It was a girl, who wasn’t happy about it. She quickly pecked my shoulder and was reprimanded by Austin just as fast.
“Come on, Cara, you know you must kiss bare skin.”
She groaned, rolling her eyes, then pulled up my sleeve, pecked my shoulder again, and got back in her seat.
“Wow. That was the least sexy kiss we’ve seen all night. I’m limper than a corpse right now,” Austin said. “One more effortless kiss, Cara, and you’re out. Spin, Samantha darling, and please do better than Cara, who is now on probation.”
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