Except to Casey, it was. She couldn’t help feeling disappointed that Olivia was just another one of those people who wanted everyone to see them live every part of their lives.
“You okay, love?” Her mom was staring at her with concern. “You’re doing that clenching of the jaw thing you do when you’re stressed.”
“Yeah, I was just thinking about that whole thing with Hannah.” She wasn’t, but she didn’t want to tell her mom she was worrying about Olivia—her sweet fake girlfriend who seemingly thought making sex tapes was fun. “It still makes me angry.”
“Me too.”
“I don’t think I realized until it happened just how wrong we were for each other. Or just how much I had misjudged her. I knew we were having problems, but I didn’t think she would do that.” Casey’s voice stayed steady, but she could feel the shame and the anger inside at being reminded of it all. But none of the anger belonged here with her mom. She made herself calm down and took a slow sip of her coffee, feeling the heat of the whiskey in the back of her throat.
“I thought you’d come back, you know,” her mom said. “I thought you’d have a few weeks away and then come back. I didn’t know that was it, that I’d lose you.”
“I thought I would too. I just meant to get away, to recover, to let things die down a bit and then I realized I had nothing to come back for. Not really.”
“Casey, love.” Her mom frowned.
“I don’t mean that, sorry. Not in that way. I just mean I’d lost my job, I’d lost Hannah, and I’d behaved like an idiot. And the idea of starting over with everyone watching, everyone blaming me, or worse, pitying me, was just too much.” She rolled her shoulders, feeling the tension. Not even the whiskey was helping. “It sounds a little dramatic now, but at the time running away just made sense. I figured that if I had to start over, I might as well do it in America where no one knew me or knew what a fool I’d been.”
For Casey, the distance had been as much of a healer as time. She had repaired herself slowly in Portland. Maybe not completely, but enough.
“I’m sorry.” Her mom leaned over and put a hand on her arm. Casey felt tears well up in her eyes that she blinked away.
“Whiskey doesn’t usually make me maudlin.”
“It used to make me horny.” Her mom smiled at her, a soft smile, full of fondness. Casey couldn’t remember the last time her mom had looked at her that way. “But since I’m not drinking, I’ll have to rely on the thought of Gerard Butler in a towel in a steaming hot sauna.”
“Ew, Mom.” Casey couldn’t help but laugh. But just like that, her thoughts were back on Olivia—the glistening sweat on her arms, the damp strands of hair stuck to her temples, the throatiness of her voice as she told Casey not to fall asleep.
The whiskey mixed with the wine and her mood to make her lust for Olivia confusing and shameful somehow. Maybe Olivia was nowhere near as sweet as Casey had been imagining and maybe it didn’t matter. Even if Casey was stupid enough to still want something more from Olivia, there was no way that it could happen now. David had just reminded her of all the reasons why they were completely incompatible. And if Olivia was flirting with her because she wanted some kind of instantly forgettable holiday romance, then she had picked the wrong woman.
Chapter Fourteen
I’m surprised to see you here. I thought you said you had plans.” Billie was standing next to Olivia’s stool, a not very warm smile on her perfectly made-up face. She was dressed for a night out—low-cut dress, heels, immaculately accessorized. Olivia couldn’t deny that she looked good, but even through the haze of the bourbon she’d been drinking, her every instinct told her Billie was someone to stay away from.
“How about I join you?” Billie put a well-manicured hand onto the seat of the stool next to Olivia’s.
Olivia wanted to say no, to tell her she was waiting for someone. It wouldn’t be a complete lie. She was waiting for Casey, hoping she might see her coming back from her dinner. Olivia was well brought up though, and saying no to Billie again, when she was so obviously alone at the bar, just seemed too rude.
“Sure.” Olivia said without seeming too welcoming and looked back at her glass, swirling the ice cubes around before sipping at the drink. She didn’t want to have to make small talk with Billie.
“We found this place in south London. Apparently, it’s pretty inclusive of the Ls, Gs, Bs, and Ts, but also exclusive enough that you don’t get bothered by people who aren’t used to being cool around ‘celebrities’ like us.” Billie had the good grace to put inverted commas around the word with her fingers. She smiled at Olivia before putting a lingering hand on her arm. “There’s a few of us going. We’re celebrating the big win. Why don’t you come?”
“I’m not sure I’m in the right mood.”
Billie knew why. She’d been there when Olivia was asked to explain to the studio’s PR people about what had led up to the photo and then stood by as they scolded her for not telling them what had happened at the time. And when Olivia tried to brush it off, Billie butted in to claim the cast needed extra security, because “their driver couldn’t be expected to be hanging around at exactly the right moment to rescue all of them.” She’d made it into a much bigger deal than it needed to be, and the comment about Casey was obviously pointed.
“It’s got to be better than sitting and drinking alone in the hotel bar. I mean, it’s a mood, but it doesn’t seem like a lot of fun. And I would have thought you’d be avoiding the being seen drinking alone thing after today. You never know who’s watching.”
Billie tried to sound playful, like she was teasing, but Olivia felt there was something underneath the words. She turned her head to look at Billie. Her gaze was expectant and her smile said she expected Olivia to jump at the chance of going out with her.
“I don’t care who’s watching. I haven’t done anything wrong and I’m not going to hide in my room.” Olivia sounded more defiant than she felt. She’d already had the same thoughts. But her desire to see Casey had made her take the risk.
“Well, come out with me then. I’m pretty sure Susie will thank you for letting her have a night off the leash.” Billie offered Olivia a wink, clearly unaware that she’d just said the one thing that would absolutely guarantee Olivia would say no.
“No thanks, Billie. Thanks for asking. Sounds awesome. Have a nice time though.” Olivia was being as polite as she could manage. “And Susie’s fictional, y’know, so if you did want to go drinking with her, you might find that difficult.” The last sentence came out a little sharp, and a small frown appeared between Billie’s perfectly groomed eyebrows. For a second, she looked hurt, but then her expression hardened.
“Shame. Susie was the one I was anxious to go out with. Olivia seems like a bit of a tight-ass to be honest.” She climbed off the stool.
Olivia wanted to tell her to fuck off, to stop bothering her, to understand that she wasn’t the slightest bit interested. But it was going to be a long season if they couldn’t find a way to get along.
“Look, I’m sorry. I’m just tired. And I’m not much of a clubber to be honest. Have fun though.” Olivia reached out to offer a conciliatory pat on Billie’s arm and she felt Billie’s fingers close over her hand, making it impossible for her to withdraw it. Billie leaned in, speaking directly into Olivia’s ear.
“Next time, don’t be tired. I promise you we’ll have a good time. But know that I’m not going to keep playing this game with you. It’s getting boring. I know you think you’re too good for me. But you’re not.” She pulled away and walked out of the bar before Olivia could react.
Olivia tracked her as she crossed the lobby, a little thrown by Billie’s hostility. Almost immediately, Casey appeared in her field of vision, looking at her intently from a spot not too far away. Olivia held up a hand and Casey returned the gesture, a somber look on her face. Olivia lifted her glass and tilted
her head toward the bar, hoping that Casey would join her.
When Casey finally walked slowly toward her, Olivia felt a pleasant tension in her body that she hadn’t felt in a long while. She was wearing a tight black shirt over faded blue jeans. Jeans that hugged her muscles in all the right places and made it impossible for Olivia not to think back to the sight of her stretched out on a towel wearing just her shorts. She knew what Casey looked like under those clothes—her toned torso, her perfect breasts, those long muscular legs. She felt an ache between her legs and imagined just how wet the sight of Casey stripping out of that shirt would make her.
She’d had champagne at the awards dinner—on top of the cocktails she’d shared with Casey earlier—and now she was drinking bourbon. The combination had her feeling a little loaded and now, in Casey’s presence, more than a little lustful.
“Sit down, have a drink with me.” Olivia wanted Casey to stay, wanted her to take the stool that Billie had just vacated. She put a hand on it. “Billie’s gone clubbing with some of the others.” She felt like she had to explain. “She wanted me to go, but it’s not really my thing.”
Casey stayed standing.
“What is your thing?”
Olivia caught an undertone of something. It made her hesitate. Casey seemed unsure whether to stay or go.
“Moodily drinking whisky in a hotel bar, really hoping you’re going to sit and have a drink with me.” The alcohol, combined with her feelings for Casey, gave her a courage she didn’t usually possess.
Casey’s gaze was captivating. Her eyes were darker than usual in the low light of the bar and she seemed so serious. Olivia felt her stomach tighten. She liked being looked at like that by Casey.
“How about it? I might need a ‘mystery companion’ to help me up to my room after all this drinking.”
It was supposed to be a joke, but Olivia couldn’t help the edge to her voice. She was still annoyed by the story, but that wasn’t Casey’s problem. She rolled her shoulders, now fully expecting Casey to refuse to sit with her for fear of getting caught up in some more drama with her. Instead, she slid silently onto the stool next to Olivia and Olivia let out the breath she had been holding. She liked Casey—liked her in a way she hadn’t liked anyone in a long time.
The bartender placed a paper circle in front of Casey, and she ordered an Irish malt.
“How was your dinner?” Olivia wanted to get Casey talking. There was a tension between them tonight that hadn’t been there earlier, and she didn’t know why.
“Okay, I guess. The food was good.”
It was a start.
“And your mom?”
“She’s good.”
Olivia wasn’t sure why this was going so badly, and she wanted a time-out to figure out what had gone wrong.
The bartender placed a glass of amber liquid in front of Casey. She took a slow taste.
“If you have the choice, Irish is always better than Scottish. Of course, I’m a little biased. My dad was from County Cork—my real dad, not my stepdad. And my great-aunt Annie would write me out of her will if she thought I was ever drinking Scottish when Irish was available.” She traced the pattern of the crystal of her glass with a finger, then looked up at Olivia, her expression serious. “And I hope you know they spell it wrong too. The word ‘whiskey’ has an e in it. The Scots always forget.”
“You’re Irish? I didn’t know that.”
“There’s a lot of things you don’t know about me. And a lot of things I don’t know about you. Maybe if we had more time, we could tell each other our secrets, but since we don’t…” She waved her hand, as if waving the thought away. Casey sounded like she had also been drinking. Her gaze was steady, but underneath, she seemed upset about something.
Olivia couldn’t stop staring at Casey’s face, and when Casey touched her glass to her mouth to take another sip of her whiskey, Olivia felt the temptation, the yearning, to trace her fingertips across Casey’s full lips, to lean in and then kiss her. She wanted to press herself against her and feel the tautness of the muscles in her body.
“Billie acts like she likes you.”
Olivia blinked. She hadn’t expected that.
“She doesn’t. She’s just playing at it. She’s one of those people who only wants something to prove she can get it, to prove her own appeal.” The clarity of her thinking surprised her. “And I told you, I don’t date inside the business. It’s too…” She couldn’t think of the right word. “It’s too messy.”
She wondered if Casey seeing her with Billie was why she was being like this. The jealousy—if that’s what it was—was encouraging.
“But you dated an actress before?”
Olivia felt her stomach knot at the reminder.
“I did. It didn’t go well. And that’s why I won’t do it again.”
She waited for Casey to say more. She had expected this, expected that at some point Casey would have done the natural thing and searched for information about her. On some crazy level, she was glad—glad that Casey was curious enough about her to look and glad to be able to get it out into the open between them. If Casey was going to judge her for it, it was better to know now.
“My friend David loves celebrity gossip. He teased me about that story—the two of us, going into the elevator. And he told me tonight about you dating another actress, told me some stuff that I didn’t know, stuff I didn’t want to know. I’m sorry. It’s none of my business.”
“He told you ‘stuff.’ What kind of stuff?” Olivia could probably guess. It wasn’t exactly a secret. She was amazed Casey didn’t already know. But of course, the fact that Casey had no interest in the show and no idea who she was, was a huge part of her appeal.
“Like I say, none of my business. I’m sorry I brought it up.”
“Casey?” Olivia put a hand on her arm. The skin was warm and soft. “What stuff?” She didn’t want Casey to have been told things that weren’t true.
“He just said about you dating an actress and having this big public breakup.”
“And?” Olivia could tell that wasn’t all.
“It’s just me. I’m weird about privacy. I know you’re naked a lot in the show. I mean, that Susie is…” Casey faltered.
“Yeah, unfortunately that’s true. I was naive. No one told me you could say no to the nudity. Seems like I was the only one stupid enough not to sign that type of contract.” Olivia couldn’t help but sound bitter about it. “Anything else?”
“He said something about a sex tape that got leaked.” Casey shifted in her seat, looking at Olivia more directly. Her eyes were almost black in the low light of the bar. “To be honest, I stopped him from telling me anything else. I didn’t even want to know that much. I don’t think it’s for me to know things you don’t want to tell me. And it’s got nothing to do with me if that’s your thing.”
Casey’s open, earnest expression shamed her. But the truth was she felt shame whenever she was reminded of it. And none of this was what she wanted to talk about when she asked Casey to come and sit with her. But since Casey had heard some of it, she wanted her to hear all of it. What had happened, not what people who had no fucking idea said had happened. She sipped the bourbon—wanting the comfort—and then pushed it away.
“I would have told you if I thought it was important, but it was a long time ago. And it’s a pretty sorry story, one that doesn’t reflect well on me.”
“We all have sorry stories. But yours seems to end up with you being a big TV star who travels the world and has women throwing themselves at her feet. Doesn’t look all that bad to me.” Casey sounded a little quarrelsome.
“I don’t know who you think is throwing themselves at me.”
“Billie. For one.”
Casey chewed her lip and a frown creased her forehead. Olivia wanted to kiss her right then. Her lips were so inviting, her e
yes a deep dark brown. Olivia could only imagine the feeling of being in her arms, pressed close, those lips searching hers. Damn. She was losing her mind. It wasn’t like her to do the falling hard thing. She was careful, cautious. She’d only just started to trust Kristin when she fucked her over.
And now she was going to tell Casey all about it. Maybe she’d pity her, or think she was stupid. Or maybe it would make her run a mile in the opposite direction.
“My last relationship ended in a very public kiss and tell.” Olivia turned away from Casey as she spoke. If she was going to tell this story, she couldn’t do it with Casey looking at her. And she didn’t want to see her reaction, see the moment when she would decide Olivia was irretrievably stained by it all.
“I liked her, but she didn’t feel the same way, so I ended up making a real fool of myself. Embarrassed my parents, the studio, the whole works.” She looked across at Casey. “You really don’t know any of this?”
Casey shook her head. The intensity of her gaze made Olivia shiver. It was wonderful and somehow completely terrifying.
“Maybe I’m not as famous as I think I am.” Olivia tried to smile.
“I’m sure you are. I don’t have a TV. I don’t do social media. I guess I’m happier not knowing things.”
“It sounds wonderful.” Olivia remembered a time when her life was like that.
“And I know from experience that some things are better left in the past.” Casey lifted her shoulders in a small shrug. “So you really don’t have to tell me any of this. I’m sorry I even mentioned it.”
“There was a sex tape.” Olivia stared straight ahead. She took in a breath and let it out again. “We were in a relationship, and honestly, I thought it was going well. Maybe my romance radar was off even then. But while I was thinking about how well we were doing, she was building a little dossier on me. I was her passport to a fat check and gossip column glory. She made a video of us having sex—without me knowing—dumped me, and then sold it to a website, along with all the sexy messages we’d ever exchanged and an interview that said I could learn a thing or two from Susie in the bedroom.” Olivia laughed bitterly. “And I don’t know why I’m laughing because I was so badly hurt by it all that I haven’t dated since.” She swirled the liquid in her glass before taking a mouthful. “Maybe bourbon makes me giggle. Ha. You learn something new about yourself every day.” The alcohol was giving her brain swirls where her thoughts needed to be.
Never Be the Same Page 18