by Dina Silver
Once my last exam was complete, I figured it was time to face the music and take control of my affairs, so I decided to call my sister. She was working at an advertising agency in Chicago, and just recently moved into her own condo. I couldn’t quite bring myself to call Taylor, and the last person on earth I could imagine confiding in was my mother. But I needed to talk with someone about it other than Jenna, because I desperately needed to dissect the Ethan angle.
Kendra picked up on the first ring. “What’s up doll?”
“Do you have a sec?”
“Of course, are you okay?”
As soon as she asked me that I started to shake and cry like a little girl who’d just dropped her popsicle in the sand.
“Sydney, what’s the matter?”
I answered her, my voice cracking. “I’m pregnant.”
She gasped. “Oh my God,” she whispered. “Oh, Syd, shhhhh, it’s okay, it’s going to be okay. Did you tell Ethan?”
I paused and shuddered. “It’s not his.”
She wasn’t as quick to reassure me. “Whose is it?”
“It’s this guy named Kevin, he’s just a friend, and we went to a dance together…about eight weeks ago.”
Kendra was a very rational, organized person. “Listen to me, try and relax, and just don’t get upset, okay? No one died, no one has cancer, and we will handle this.” She took a breath. “I can’t leave today, but I will come see you tomorrow and we’ll figure this out.”
“Okay, thanks.”
“Everything will be okay, Syd, just take it easy.”
“I will.”
As promised, Kendra drove down to West Lafayette and made it there by noon the next day. We met for lunch at a Hardee’s, and I hugged her for two whole minutes before we sat down at a table in the back of the restaurant.
“I located the Planned Parenthood on campus, and made an appointment for us at one-thirty.”
Everyone was dying to get me into Planned Parenthood. “What are they going to say?” I asked and emptied a sugar packet into my iced tea.
“They’re going to try and determine exactly how far along you are, and let you know your options. No one has to find out about this, and I will be there for you one hundred percent,” she looked at me questionably. “I assume you want to have an abortion?”
I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I knew that’s what both she and Jenna assumed I was going to do. And quite honestly, if it were me sitting across the table from a pregnant Kendra, I’m sure I would assume the same thing about her. But much to my own surprise, I was leaning toward keeping the baby.
Kendra read my mind. “You’re not seriously considering having a baby, are you?” her expression was severe.
“I really don’t know yet,” I said and stirred the ice cubes in my drink.
She sat back in her chair, and folded her arms across her chest. “Syd, do you have any idea what you’re saying? Any idea how this will change your life? You’re starting your job in a few months.”
I felt myself getting emotional again, damn hormones. “Please don’t look at me like that, I have been thinking about this every waking hour, and I always go back to the same conclusion. I think I want to have this baby.”
She was delicately shaking her head, and trying to get me to maintain eye contact with her. “I just don’t think you can make a decision like that with so little knowledge of what is required of you. How will you support it? How will you pay for daycare? When will you tell your new employer? The list goes on and on!”
“I know, I know, but I don’t want an abortion. I’m scared of having an abortion, and for some strange reason, I’m not scared to have this baby. And you really shouldn’t be yelling at a pregnant lady,” I attempted to lighten the mood.
She smiled for the first time, but she wasn’t going down that easy. We spent the next couple hours talking it out at my apartment, and missed my Planned Parenthood appointment.
“When are you going to tell Mom?” she asked me.
Kendra never really understood the tyrant that was my mother, because my mother treated her differently. My sister was well aware of the struggles I’ve had with our mom over the years, but she consistently forgot about them, and would often act like there was no tension between Mom and I.
“I don’t know, never,” I mumbled, and joined her at my kitchen table.
“If you plan on keeping this baby, you are going to have to tell Mom and Dad as soon as possible.”
I moaned and placed my head on the table. “She’s going to kill me,” I thought aloud, but I was honestly more nervous to tell Ethan than anyone.
“She’s not going to kill you, but you must tell her, immediately,” Kendra warned.
It was a Saturday night and I was almost nine weeks pregnant.
“I think you should call her now, right now, with me here to support you,” she declared and started to dial the phone for me.
“Stop!” I hit the button to hang up. “Are you insane? I can’t just call her up and tell her, ‘hey, Mom, yeah finals are going well, been studying really hard to make you proud, and, oh yes, one more thing…’she’ll drive down here and smother me like a flame of shame.”
Kendra was not amused. “When you called me and told me about what’s going on with you, all I cared about was making sure you were okay, and that’s all Mom and Dad are going to care about as well,” she said. “I have to drive back tonight, and I’m not leaving here until you tell them, because I want to be here for you when you make that call.”
Kendra dialed the phone, and then handed it to me. It rang forever before my mother answered.
“Hello,” she said, hurried.
“Mom, it’s Syd, do you have a sec?” I cleared my throat.
“Actually, Syd, we have the Carlins and the Friedmans coming for dinner tonight, and I’m in a mad dash to set the table, heat the gravy, and press my blouse. I’ll have to give you a call in the morning.”
I stared at Kendra, who was looking at me with anticipation. “I really need to talk now,” I told her.
She sighed, and I could hear pots and pans banging around my childhood kitchen. “Are you hurt?”
“No, I’m fine.”
“Syd, I’m in such a panic, your father bought a turkey that was a full seven pounds heavier than the one I asked for, and this just isn’t the best time for a chat.”
I covered the mouthpiece and whispered to Kendra. “She’s busy,” I shrugged.
“Good lord,” Kendra grabbed the phone. “Mom, its Kendra, Sydney really needs to tell you something.”
“What are you doing there?” I heard my mom’s voice elevate as she asked, and Kendra handed the phone back to me.
“I’m pregnant,” I blurted out and covered my face as though she could see me.
“What? Who said that?!” Mom choked.
“Me, Syd, I’m back on the phone, and I’m the one who is pregnant.”
The background clatter and conversation came to a screeching, rubber-burning, pavement-scarring halt.
“Are you there, Mom?”
“I’m here, I…I said I can’t talk now. We are going to have to discuss this in the morning,” her words were shaky, and I felt terrible.
“I’m so sorry, Mom,” I began to cry. “I wasn’t smart.”
She sighed. “We’ll talk about this tomorrow, okay?”
“I love you, Mom.”
Click.
Kendra was dumbfounded. “What the fuck?”
“I told you she was busy,” I said and slammed the receiver down.
Kendra snatched the phone from its base and began to redial. She was fuming.
“DON’T!” I hollered and stopped her in her tracks. “Do not call her back. This is my deal, I told her, and she said we’ll talk tomorrow.”
Kendra had to leave that night, so she wasn’t around when my mom called me back at nine o’clock the next morning. The phone woke me up, and I’d spent hours the night before trying to imagine how the con
versation with my mother would pan out. I went to bed assuming nothing good would come of it.
“Hi, Sydney,” she sighed quietly like she had the night before. “Well that was an interesting dinner party, what with me crying in the bathroom every thirty minutes,” she paused. “I had to convince Lynette Carlin I had pink eye.”
I sat up in bed, spoke for fifteen uninterrupted minutes, and brought her up to speed on my situation. Sometimes when I confided in her, which was rare, and made her feel like she was useful, she would soften up a little and take pity on me. I told her about Kevin, and the dance, and what admittedly poor choices had led me to where I was. I even told her upfront that my intentions were to keep the baby.
“Sydney, I just don’t even know what to say,” she said after taking a long breath.
Say I’m an idiot. Say you’re not surprised. Say that Kendra would’ve never let this happen. Say you’re mortified, I thought to myself.
She continued. “Do you have any idea…let me rephrase that,” she paused. “You have no idea what you are getting yourself into. You’re graduating from college and about to embark on a new career in an entry-level position. How do you think you’ll be able to support yourself and a child while working full time?”
It was a fair question, and not one I was prepared to answer.
“I think you are going to have to give this some more thought,” Mom concluded as I was taking a sip of water.
“I’ve given it a lot of thought,” I said defensively and placed the glass back on the plastic milk crate next to my bed. “And I just feel like it’s the right thing to do.”
She made a sound that resembled a laugh, although I’m certain nothing was funny. “Just so you know, your father and I are not able to financially care for a child of yours, Sydney. I hope you aren’t thinking that you’ll move home and raise this baby by us,” she stated, and got that out on the table.
“I wasn’t, Mom, I swear. I understand that this is my deal, my problem and I would not make this choice if it meant putting you and Dad in a situation like that.”
“Have you honestly weighed your other options? What are your plans then?”
“I don’t know exactly what I’m going to do yet, but I’ve thought of almost nothing else,” I responded quickly. “I’m going to try and work it out.”
“Trying isn’t going to cut it, my dear. I mean it, Sydney, you are making a life altering decision by choosing to have a baby, out of wedlock, with no where to live and a salary barely fit to support one person.”
I took a deep breath. “I know.”
The conversation with my mother was difficult, but not nearly as harrowing as I thought it was going to be. I was able to lay in bed with the phone resting on my shoulder so her voice was slightly more distant than normal. Never once did I assume she’d rush to my aid and assure me that everything would be just fine…that she would be there for me, and celebrate my decision. So, I kept my expectations low, and just tried to get through the phone call with as much strength and humility as I could. It was only when she asked if I’d told Ethan, that I started to lose my shit.
“I haven’t,” my voice quivered, and my lips pursed.
“Are you going to?”
“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?”
She made a breathy sound that was drenched in disappointment, but her response was gentler that I had expected. “Ethan is one of the kindest people I know, but more importantly, he loves you, Syd. And my guess is that his only concern will be for your well being.”
“I doubt it.” I closed my eyes and sank back into the mattress.
“Don’t underestimate him, or his feelings for you. I’ve spent almost four years watching the two of you together, and that boy loves you maybe more than you realize.”
I was inconsolable. How could I have done this to him? “I’m going to lose him,” I started to bawl and soak the pillowcase.
“Shhhh, shhhh, now, you need to calm down. You’re not going to lose him.”
Her answers were comforting; I was expecting ‘well, you should have thought of that before you slept around,’ or something like ‘of course you’re going to lose him, what would he want with someone else’s baby?’ But instead, she had done something I hadn’t done; given Ethan the benefit of the doubt.
“You don’t know that,” I said and wiped my face with the edge of the sheet.
“I know that he is a man of integrity, and that he will respect your decision, whatever it is.”
The pace at which I was speaking started to pick up. “I’m paralyzed with fear, literally, I cannot dial his number. We haven’t spoken in weeks, I just keep avoiding his calls and blaming everything on school, finals, graduation, etcetera. He must already think something is wrong with me.” I rubbed my temples, trying to prevent the headache that was brewing. “And I haven’t told Kevin yet, either.” The thought made me shudder.
“Well, you’ve got two very tough phone calls to make,” she said simply. “I don’t know Kevin, but something tells me you may get a better reaction from Ethan. You’re going to have to prepare yourself for the worst with both of them, and hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised.”
I took a moment to think about what she’d just said. “I know, but Kevin and I have been close friends for a long time and he deserves to know.” I said the words, but I honestly would’ve rather kept the whole ordeal to myself than have to break the news to Kevin that I was carrying his child.
“That was very generous of your sister to drive down and be there for you,” she noted.
I nodded. “Yes, it was.”
“I think you should call those boys sooner than later, Sydney, and let me know how it goes, okay?”
“Okay, Mom.”
“We have a lot more to discuss, but your father and I are meeting some friends at North Shore. Daddy was invited to play golf with Dr. Richards and his sons,” she said with pride, like she’d moved on from the previous, tiresome topic.
I had one more question though, one that I wasn’t sure I wanted the answer to. “Did you tell Dad?”
She inhaled, then slowly released her lungs. “I did, last night after everyone left, it was obvious to him there was something wrong with me.”
“Does he want to talk to me?”
“No, Syd, not now. He’s very upset…and he’s not quite ready to speak to you.”
“What does that mean?” I sat back up in bed.
“It means exactly what I said, he’s taken this very hard and he is not ready to address it with you. I haven’t told him of your intentions yet, since you’ve just told them to me yourself.”
“Oh, God.”
“It’s okay, I will handle him, and I’m sure he’ll come around soon and support whatever you decide.”
She’ll handle him? He was the one who handled her for me. My dad was a source of rationality and confidence, and I needed him. It hadn’t even occurred to me that he’d turn his back on me. I was numb.
“Okay,” was all I could say.
“Goodbye, honey, and you better take extra good care of yourself. You know you’re not supposed to drink any alcohol, right?”
My jaw dropped.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
I spoke to Ethan on the day I confessed everything to my mother, but it wasn’t until a week later that I was able to find the courage to tell him about the pregnancy. I had only a day or two left at Purdue, and needed to talk with him before I officially packed up and left school.
I sat soldier-like in the center of my couch, with my back straight and my feet planted firmly on the floor in front of the coffee table. I dialed his number and he answered sounding very sleepy, it was early on a Saturday morning. “Hey you,” he said.
“Hi, what’s going on?”
He released a tribal yawn. “Not too much, long time no talk. You getting ready to get out of there?”
“Yeah, it’s been pretty crazy around here,” I said, trying to formulate a way to segue into a mo
re serious conversation, when I decided to just cut to the chase. “E, I need to talk to you about something.”
“Shoot,” he said, unconcerned.
“Well…,” I said with a sigh.
“Is everything, okay, Syd?”
Damn useless tear ducts began to empty, and slowly, tears trailed down my cheeks like raindrops on a car window. “Not really, I mean, I’m okay, it’s just that I need to tell you something,” I said bluntly, knees shaking.
He didn’t say anything, so I continued. “There’s really no easy way to put this, so here goes…I’m pregnant.”
He still didn’t say anything.
“E?” I checked the connection.
“I heard you.”
My posture hadn’t changed, I was too afraid to relax even one muscle. “Do you hate me?” I asked.
More silence.
I figured he wouldn’t initially have much to say. When confronted with a dilemma of any degree, Ethan was always a man of few words, choosing to ponder rather than speak. “I’m so sorry Ethan, I went to a fraternity formal with a friend a couple months ago…,” I started rambling.
“Stop,” he said.
We sat there for a few minutes on the phone, me sniffling like a baby on my end, and him sighing and grunting quietly on his.
“Whose is it?” he finally wondered.
“My friend Kevin’s.”
“Are you two together now?”
“Right now?” I asked.
“No, are you together, are you dating him?”
“No.”
“What are you going to do about the pregnancy?”
Before calling Ethan, I debated whether it was going to be more difficult to tell him I was pregnant, or tell him that I was keeping the baby. I never was able to determine which would be harder until I’d said them both aloud. “I’ve decided to have the baby.”
“You’re having the baby?” his tone made me feel stupid. “And then what, giving it up for adoption?”
I cleared my throat, and scooted to the edge of the couch. “No, I’m keeping the baby. I’ve decided to keep it.”
More silence.
“Wow, well, I guess things have been pretty crazy by you,” he said.