by N. R. Walker
I smiled at him. “Yeah, but I should go to bed. No doubt Mom will be up with the sun in the morning.” Sliding my hand along Cooper’s arm, I gave him a soft kiss.
“I won’t be long,” he whispered.
I mouthed the words ‘I love you’ so only he could see, then I kissed Sofia on the forehead. “Thank you for being here,” I told her. And I meant it.
I said a quiet goodnight to Ryan as he walked out, gave him a hug, and I climbed into bed. As exhausted as I was, as emotionally drained as I was, I closed my eyes but sleep wouldn’t come.
Soon after, familiar, strong arms wrapped around me and I turned to face him. It was only when Cooper tucked me into his side, and kissed my forehead, that I fell into sleep.
Chapter Thirteen
I woke up and smiled at Cooper’s sleeping form beside me. Then I remembered the events of yesterday—that my father had died.
My stomach knotted and my heart sank.
Then I remembered my mother was asleep in the room across the hall.
It was still early, so I threw on some jeans and a shirt and quietly set about making breakfast.
Cooper, sleep-rumpled and gorgeous, woke up at the scent of coffee. Ryan woke up at the smell of toast. Sofia smiled at the both of them playfully bickering over who would eat first as she packed up the bed linen from the sofas in the living room.
I worried Cooper might find it weird that he was having breakfast with my son and my ex-wife, but he seemed to take it all in stride. He took over the kitchen like he owned it, finishing up cooking and cleaning.
But then my mother walked out to where we were. She looked like hell. Her eyes were red and puffy, she looked pale and…heartbroken.
I walked over to her and gave her a hug. “Coffee?” I asked, and she nodded.
She sat down on the sofa, and when I looked over at Cooper, he looked nervous. He grabbed a coffee cup and before he could pour it, Sofia was beside him. “Go,” she murmured.
It was then that my mother looked to who else was there. Her eyes landed on Cooper.
I cleared my throat. “Ah, Mom?” I said, and she looked at me. “I want you to meet someone.”
Cooper’s eyes darted to mine, but he walked around the kitchen island bench, nervously wiping the palms of his hands on his thighs.
I took Cooper’s hand and we sat down across from my mother. “Mom, this is Cooper Jones,” I said. I figured there was no easy way to say this, and there was no point in beating around the bush. “Cooper and I are together, Mom. We’re dating.”
My mother blinked. And then blinked again.
“I’m gay, Mom,” I told her. “I know the timing is horrible. I know you’re dealing with a lot right now, but in light of yesterday…with Dad… I don’t want to wait another day. I don’t want to keep any secrets from you.”
Mom was quiet, unmoving.
“I’m in love with Cooper,” I told her gently. “And life’s too damn short, Mom.”
Cooper squeezed my hand, just as Sofia brought over a cup of coffee and handed it to Mom. Then Sofia sat down next to my mother and squeezed her hand.
Mom looked at her. “You know about this?”
“I do,” Sofia said with a gentle smile. “It’s okay. I didn’t take it well at first, I’ll admit to that. But yesterday, well, yesterday I saw them in a different light.”
Mom looked at Cooper then, studied him for a long moment then looked at me. “A boy?”
“Not a boy,” I corrected softly. “A man. And yes.”
Mom put her coffee down on the side table untouched. “You’re telling me this today?”
“Today especially,” I said softly. My eyes burned with unshed tears. I didn’t want this to go to badly. I knew the timing was awful, but I had to tell her. She had to know. “Today especially, Mom. After yesterday…losing Dad… Mom, if there was ever a day to tell you how much I loved someone, then today is it.”
Mom’s lip trembled, and she blinked back tears. Deciding to ignore my point of conversation altogether, she picked up her coffee again with shaking hands and said, “I need to call the hospital, I guess. I need to make a lot of calls and tell people…”
“Mom, I can phone them,” I offered. “Just tell me who you want me to call.”
Then Mom started to talk about letting the Country Club know, and an aunt who lived on the West Coast, and how Julia, her next-door neighbour, must be worried sick.
“I’ll take you home if you want,” I said softly.
“Would you, dear?” she said. “I have a lot to do.” Then her eyes welled with tears. “I’m not sure how I’ll do it without him…”
Ryan walked around then, and hugged his Grandma. “We’re here to help you,” he said. “All of us.” I couldn’t help but smile at Ryan’s inclusion of Cooper, and I squeezed Cooper’s hand.
“I’ll just go freshen up first,” Mom said before she stood, leaving us all in the living room and walked down the hall.
Cooper ran his hand up my back and into my hair, and he pulled me against him. “I’m sorry,” I whispered to him.
He kissed the side of my head and whispered, “Don’t apologise.”
Sofia stood up. “I can take her home, if you’d like, Tom.”
For a moment, I considered it. “I’ll take her,” I said. “But thank you for the offer.” I looked at Cooper. “I just wish I didn’t have to leave you.”
“You need to go,” he said with serious eyes. “You need to be with your mom.”
As much as I needed to be with Cooper, I needed to be with my Mom more. “What will you do?”
“He’ll come home with me,” Ryan interrupted. “I have a new X-box 3-D that needs playing,” he went on to say. Then he shrugged. “And I could use the company.”
Cooper smiled, and looked at Ryan, Sofia then me. “Don’t worry about me, silly. You go, take care of your mom.”
I think everyone knew I was worried about how I’d be without him, not the other way around, but no one acknowledged it out loud.
Five minutes later, I kissed Cooper soundly, told them I’d call each of them, and took my mother home.
We spent the day making phone calls, and making arrangements. It was emotionally draining, and by the time Mom put herself to bed, I didn’t want to leave her in the house alone.
I called Ryan then Sofia, like I said I would, then I called Cooper. I spoke in a whisper, not wanting to wake my mother, but desperately needing to hear his voice.
I told him I wouldn’t be back for another night at least, that I’d call the office in the morning and request a week’s leave. “They’re hoping to have the funeral on Thursday,” I told him. “Do you think you could come with me?”
“Oh, Tom,” he whispered into the phone. “Of course I’ll be there.”
I sighed, almost with relief, knowing he’d be with me. “I miss you,” I said rather pathetically.
“Babe, I’m just a phone call away,” he replied. “But if you need me to come there, I’ll leave right now.”
I smiled sadly into the phone. “Just hearing your voice is enough. But thank you.”
“You sound tired,” he said softly. “Don’t hang up. Go to bed, and we can talk again when you’re ready for sleep.”
I walked into the guest bedroom and leaving my jeans on the floor, I climbed into bed, and we talked.
Quietly, tenderly, without any physical contact, we spoke for hours. Cooper knew I needed him on some level, like he always just knew.
I loved him, this man who was half my age and twice as strong as me.
I’d never loved him more.
* * * *
The next morning, I called work and spoke to Robert Chandler and explained I needed some time off. He sent warm, honest condolences and told me to take as much time as I needed. Then I spent the rest of the day at the hospital and it was that night it really hit my mom that my dad was gone.
She cried and cried and spent the entire evening wandering around the house, trying to
keep busy. She had phone call after phone call of people with good intentions, but in the end I started answering the phone for her.
It was a restless night, but Tuesday was marginally better. I spent the entire time with her, rarely leaving her side, yet she never once mentioned my little coming out speech, and she never mentioned Cooper.
It wasn’t surprising. It was typical of my mother to ignore subjects she didn’t want to discuss. I did mention Cooper in conversation a few times, but she never asked me anything. It was hardly the time to bring it up. She knew I was gay, she knew I was in love with someone special, and that was all I wanted.
By Tuesday evening, I couldn’t put it off any longer. I needed to go home, back to New York. I needed to get clothes for the funeral, so Mom’s neighbour Julia kindly offered to stay with her. I drove straight back to the city, and didn’t even bother going home.
I drove straight to Cooper’s.
He opened the door to his shoebox apartment and the second he saw me, he pulled me straight into his arms.
He was like fucking oxygen to drowning lungs.
He took me straight to bed, holding me so damn tight as he made love to me. He kissed me so reverently, he wiped my tears and his eyes never left mine as he rocked his hips into mine. He filled me so completely—physically, emotionally.
He just knew. He knew exactly what I needed, and he gave it to me without question.
I woke with my face to his chest, and his long fingers tracing circles on my back. He had to go to work, and I had to go back to Mom’s. But with a soft kiss and a whispered ‘I love you’ we went our separate ways.
I was kept busy with final funeral arrangements, and organising the wake. I spoke to Cooper briefly on the phone Wednesday night, and by the time we were ready for the funeral on Thursday, I was just about ready to unravel.
Mom wanted to get to the church early. She wanted to be there to greet the good people as they came in. All things considered, she was coping quite well. It was the first time in two days that I’d had time to stop, and standing alone beside a flower-covered casket didn’t help.
I said sombre hellos and thanks to the people who came in, lots of faces I recognised, lots I didn’t. Most surprising was two very familiar faces from work—Jennifer and Robert had wanted to show their support in being there for me. I’d worked with them for a decade, and I was touched very deeply with their presence.
Then Sofia walked in, looking lovely and impeccably dressed, and she gave me a sad smile. Behind her was Ryan, all suited up, then behind him was Cooper.
Wearing a black suit, his hair styled and clean shaven, he walked into the fast-filling church and he visibly sighed when he saw me.
I can’t begin to describe the relief I felt when I saw him. It rocked me. I took a steadying breath and blinked back tears.
Sofia gave me a soft pat on the arm and took a seat at the end of the front row. Ryan gave me a hug and took his seat next to his mother, then Cooper was standing in front of me.
I didn’t care that people were watching. I didn’t care what they thought. I hugged him, and I hugged him hard. It wasn’t a family-friend hug, it wasn’t a thanks-for-coming hug. It was an embrace.
Cooper pulled back and whispered, “You’ll be okay.”
“I will now,” I told him.
Cooper took a seat next to Ryan, and when my mom came in, I put my arm around her and led her to the front row. I sat next to Cooper and took his hand immediately, and slid my other arm around my mom as the funeral started.
The priest talked of a well-loved man, whose life was cut far too short. He spoke of family, loss and of acceptance and love, and when he said I’d be getting up to talk to the congregation, I didn’t hear him call my name.
“Tom?” Cooper said quietly beside me. “Did you want to get up and talk?”
“Oh,” I said, apparently a million miles away.
“You don’t have to,” he said, concerned. “Everyone will understand.”
“No, I’m okay,” I told him then I stood up and walked up to the parapet. I ran the prepared notes through my head, and when I looked at the faces staring back at me, all the words in my head were gone.
I glanced over at the priest, and exhaled through puffed cheeks. “I, um,” I started, “when I was asked if I’d like to say something in honour of my father, I said I would. Of course I would.” I swallowed hard. “But what I was going to say doesn’t seem fitting.
“My father was a good man. A good father, a good husband and a good friend,” I told them. “My father was one of the biggest influences in my life. He hated architecture,” I said, and a few people smiled. “He told me I should get into banking, or teaching, but I followed my heart. And it was his initial disapproval that pushed me to be the best. I didn’t want to disappoint him.”
My gaze fell on Cooper then, and swallowed back my tears. If only my father knew how much I would have disappointed him…
I shook my head and took a deep breath, so I could keep talking. “But funnily enough, my dad and architecture were a lot alike. And whether he knew it or not, he taught me more about architecture than college ever could.”
I looked at my mother, then at Ryan and Sofia. “He taught me that solid foundations gave me strength and stability. He taught me that the only principles of design should be honesty and integrity, and above all, that there was a truth in the lines that we drew.”
Finally I looked back at Cooper and had to blink back tears. “It’s unfortunate that some of life’s greatest lessons come from death. Because without knowing it, my father taught me that every design has a clarity of lines. Lines that bound it, that define it, that make it—lines that sometimes other people can’t see.” I scanned the faces around the church then, not ashamed of my tears. “And that’s what I’ll take with me—what my father taught me. That sometimes the lines seemed undefined, but they aren’t blurred at all. Sometimes they are crystal clear.”
I thanked everyone for coming, to help celebrate the life of a good man, then I walked back to my seat and slid my arm around my crying mother. Cooper took my hand and held it tight, and for the rest of the service, he never let it go.
Throughout the wake, Cooper was never far away. I didn’t care if distant relatives, work colleagues or complete strangers saw me with my arm around his waist, or if they saw the way I looked at him.
Life was too damn short.
We’d done the rounds of talking and thanking the guests, and after many stories of my father’s life, the crowd eventually waned. Mom had tired quickly, and when I had suggested I take her home and stay with her, Sofia put her hand on my arm. “I’ll take her. I’ll spend the night with her. You should go,” she said with a kind smile.
“Are you sure?”
“Of course I’m sure,” she said. “You look tired, Tom. Let Cooper take you home.”
I hugged her, taking her off guard, and I thanked her. Her final acceptance of Cooper in my life meant the world to me.
Then Cooper hugged her as well. “Thank you, Sofia,” he said softly.
We said goodbye to Ryan, and Cooper took my keys and told me he was driving. I didn’t even argue. Instead, I half turned in my seat so I faced him, and watched him while he drove. He held my hand over the console and after a little while, he told me he’d had a few talks with Sofia these last few days.
He told me of the conversation I’d half over-heard, about how she could see now that we were the real deal. She admitted to him the age difference between us had worried her, but she knew now it didn’t matter.
“Plus, she thinks I’m charming and handsome and awesome,” Cooper said.
“She did not say that,” I said tiredly.
“I’m paraphrasing,” he said.
Leaning my head against the headrest, not taking my eyes off him, I smiled. “God, I’ve missed you.”
Cooper smiled and squeezed my hand. “We’re almost home. Do you want dinner? A bath? Alcohol?”
I shook my
head. “Nothing. I just want to be with you.”
He pulled the car into the parking lot, and took the elevator straight to our floor. He threw the keys to my car onto the kitchen counter and led me down the hall to my bedroom.
He took of his jacket, then helped me out of mine. “Does it feel good to be home?”
“It does,” I agreed. “It’s weird though,” I told him.
Cooper undid his shirt. “What’s weird?”
“I’m the next in line now. Genealogically speaking, father-to-son, I should be the next one to go.”
Cooper shook his head. “No. Don’t say that.”
“Not now,” I amended. “Just…next. Now that my dad’s gone, like his father before him, and his before that.”
Cooper frowned and he started to undo the buttons on my shirt. “I called my dad,” he said. “After… When you took your mom back to her house and after Ry and Sofia left and I was alone here, I called him.”
“Really?”
He nodded. “I didn’t want to leave things bad between us. I mean, the last time we spoke wasn’t exactly on the best of terms.” His brow pinched. “I told him about your dad… I told him I didn’t want that to be us. I’m sorry if that sounds bad…”
“I understand, Cooper,” I told him honestly. “And he was okay?”
Cooper nodded and gave me a small smile. “Better. He was better.”
I slid my hand around his neck and pulled him in for a kiss. “That’s great.”
He smiled, and went to put my pants and jacket on a hanger, but felt the folded paper in my breast pocket. “What’s this?” he said, as he passed the handwritten notes to me.
“It’s the speech I was going to say at the funeral,” I said with a shrug. “Instead, I just…spoke from the heart. What I said at the funeral probably didn’t make much sense.”
Cooper stopped undressing and put his hand to my face. “What you said in the church made a lot of sense,” he murmured. “It was beautiful.”
I nodded, then undressed down to my briefs, pulled back the bedcovers and got into bed. Cooper quickly joined me, lying on his side, facing me.