might answer that
question for you.
It just might.
Vanessa
It’s All So Weird
How things are turning out.
A month ago I was hot
after Conner. And he wanted
me, I know he did.
But that has all grown
very cool, and it’s not
because of the weather.
I mean, I still love him.
But it’s not the “hot for his bod”
love I felt before, and now
I want to save him.
Why do I think
Mr. Exceptional needs saving?
A month ago I thought Tony
needed saving. But I don’t think
so now. And now, God help
me, I’m pretty sure
I’m in love with Tony.
Not only that, but I’m very sure
he’s in love with me.
Grandma once told me
it’s easy to overthink love,
to dissect and question it
until it is no more.
I’m trying very hard not
to do that at this moment.
But the night holds
many questions.
On the far side of the shelter,
Conner and Tony are
whispering, and I get
the definite feeling
they’re whispering
about me. I’d like to
crawl over, burrow
between them, fall asleep
listening to them
whisper about me.
Up at Dawn
I grab the little shovel
and my roll of biodegradable
t.p. and head out into the brush,
hoping for some private
time before everyone else
gets up and notices
where I’ve gone. Talk
about embarrassing! Privacy
is hard to come by, with
everyone in such close
proximity to everyone else.
As the sun creeps higher,
the sky goes from gray
to vicious blue. Cold.
Clear. Perfect blue.
And it hits me that blue has never
seemed so beautiful.
And it hits me even harder
that I have not felt so good—so
well—in a long, long time.
I’ve only thought about steel—sharp
and real—once or twice
in the last few days.
When I get back to camp,
Tony finds me. Morning.
Conner says we’re facing
some major challenge today.
“Other than Dahlia
griping about her feet?”
Much bigger than that,
although the blister may
make it even more
challenging for her, I guess.
“So what is this major
challenge? Walking a tight-rope
across the Grand Canyon?”
The Grand Canyon is in
Arizona. But you’re close.
Before Long
Sean lays out all the details
of our first real test.
Today we’re going to have
some fun, crossing this little
ol’ canyon on a rope bridge.
It’s not so difficult, unless
you happen to have
a problem with heights.
I don’t think I have
a problem with heights.
Still, “How high is ‘high’?”
Around a hundred
and fifty feet, says Raven.
Think of a fifteen-story
building, and you’re close.
“And how far across
do we have to go?”
Thirty yards. Not
so far, really. But you
do need to understand
the technique.
Fifteen minutes later
we have a basic idea
of how to cross a gorge
on a network of ropes,
strung at least a decade
ago by a bunch of Boy Scouts.
I sure hope they earned
their merit badges that day!
(You do have to do things
right to get a merit badge,
don’t you?) I also hope they
used rope with a minimum
ten-year warranty.
As we pack up and head
out, a sensuous shiver
of fear works its way
up my spine.
Conner
Four our Miles
To the gorge, we hike single
file. The buzz is constant.
Dahlia: My blister is killing
me. I have to sit down awhile.
Tony: I wish that damn blister
would hurry and finish you off.
Justin: If I were you, Dahlia,
I’d worry about infection.
Lori: Jeez, Justin, don’t tell her
that. She’ll bitch and moan all day.
Vanessa: Ain’t that the truth?
Guess we’ll just have to ditch her.
Just after lunch, we crest
a small rise, and there in
the scrub is a band of mustangs.
The stallion snorts in surprise,
but for a short moment we
all freeze, humans checking
out horses and vice versa.
Then Lori happens to sneeze.
With a flick of his black tail,
the stallion raises an alarm
and charges off to the east,
trailed by a battalion of mares.
Dahlia forgets her blister.
Oh! My! God! Did you see that?
Tony delivers his usual
banter. No, D, we’re all blind.
Vanessa scoots up beside him.
Weren’t they just gorgeous?
Not nearly as gorgeous as you,
Tony answers. But dose, okay.
We Reach a Place
Where winter runoff has carved
a fast stream through the rock.
It plunges down the mountain
with a huge blast of noise.
Over the creek, not very high,
is a rope contraption, maybe
ten feet across and flimsy.
Do they really call this a “bridge?”
It consists of a single thick
cable to walk on and two chest
high “sides” made of crisscrossed
ropes. It looks totally unstable!
Sean doesn’t give us a chance
to think about it too long.
The trick to crossing is keeping
your hands and feet in sync.
Point your toes to the side,
walk on the arches of your
feet. Reach with your hands,
move your feet, try not to rock
from side to side or you’ll
lose your balance. If you keep
your eyes straight ahead and
use common sense, you’ll be fine.
Sean demonstrates the proper
technique, crossing easily.
Okay, who’s going first? Come
on. We don’t have all week.
We glance back and forth
among us, no one especially
wanting to step up to the plate.
I’m not real keen on it myself,
but what the hell? “I’m game.”
Safety first, Raven decks me
out with a harness and helmet.
What’s the worst that could happen?
Feet Pointed Sideways
Walking on my arches, eyes
straight ahead, I find a good
hand/foot rhythm. Even so,
once or twice I shift my weight
too quickly, making the ropes
creak and sway. A wave of
vertigo descends. I feel
nauseous. Weary. Weak.
Keep going, Conner. You’re
doing great, encourages Sean.
Water rushes beneath me,
spewing foam. I want to
spew too, but that would
necessitate moving. “I can’t.”
Sure you can. You’re almost
there now. It’s a straight shot.
A gush of anger engulfs
my brain. For some reason,
I want to grab the guy by
the throat, squeeze, cause him pain.
Not sure why I feel that way,
but for whatever reason,
it puts my feet in motion—slow
motion, over the water’s roar.
Everyone cheers, including
Sean, so I guess I won’t choke
him just yet. Anyway, with my
success, the anger has vanished.
One by one, the others cross
without serious incident.
No one says a word about
my moment of doubt, except
Tony.
Tony
Never Thought I’d See
Conner look so scared.
He’s always completely
in control—of himself
and everyone else. But he
just about lost it back
there. I swear, he looked
like death. No one wants
to talk to him about it,
but someone really should,
and seeing as how I’m
his designated buddy, I
guess that someone is me.
“Hey, man. You okay?
Jeez, I thought I was
going to have to rescue
you, and I’m pretty
damn sure that was
not a rope for two.”
I expect a witty comeback.
Instead, he says, I’m not
sure what happened.
It isn’t like I’ve ever been
bothered by heights.
But I got really dizzy.
I’ve got a pretty good
idea what’s to blame.
Just don’t know if I
should say something.
On the other hand, we
have a more daunting
challenge, just ahead.
“You haven’t really
slept so well lately,
have you? I mean,
since you’ve been
off your meds.”
Now I Expect Denial
But I don’t get that,
either. I had to quit
them, Tony. They made
me feel like a total
loser geek. “Up” all day,
drop down at night,
until I wasn’t sure just
where I was supposed
to be anymore. How
can I ever feel normal,
propped up (or down)
by pharmaceuticals?
In a way, I have to
agree. “I know what
you mean. Someday
I’ll have to quit them
too. But was this really
the best time to do it?”
In hindsight, probably
not. But I made my
decision, and I plan
to stick to it. It will
either kill me or heal me.
Let’s hope for the latter.
As we start off again, I’m
more worried than ever
about Conner. Part of me
screams that I should tell
Sean or Raven, rat him
out for his own good.
Another part insists I
should keep my big
mouth shut. It should
be Conner’s decision,
as long as he isn’t in
danger. He isn’t, is he?
We Hike for Another Hour
And now we’re facing
the gorge—a huge chasm
between two stone walls,
over a hundred feet high,
and we’re standing
at the top of one of them.
To get to the top of the
other one, we’ll have
to cross via a rope bridge.
It’s a lot more substantial
than the macrame across the
creek. This one has two
narrow boards for our
feet. But if it happens
to swing, I suspect
we’ll all feel about like
Conner did, stuck out in
the middle, nothing
but air beneath our
feet. Speaking of
Conner, he looks okay
for the moment, stable,
if just a little pale.
“You cool, Conner?”
I’ll be okay. And hey,
if I get stuck halfway,
refuse to go farther,
do me a favor and give
me a push, okay? Not
forward. Over the side.
At least his sense
of humor is back.
“You got it, buddy.
Over the side it is.”
Still worried, I barely
listen to Raven, giving
us instructions.
Vanessa
I Never Knew
I was tentative about heights.
Of course, I’ve never really
put myself to this kind of test
before. Hiking the Rim Trail,
we were up high, but there
was plenty of ground
beneath our feet.
Nothing under us here
but a long way down.
No way you can fall,
Raven tells us. You’ll be
in safety harnesses, tied
off to Sean or me. The main
thing to remember is to keep
moving. Stop in the middle
and look down, things
might get dicey. Okay,
once again, who’s first?
This time it isn’t Conner
who volunteers. (And what
was up with him, anyway?)
This time, Lori steps
to the front of the line.
I’ll go. Always good to get
these things over with.
Raven helps her shrug
into a harness as Sean
crosses to the other side.
Slowly. One foot in front
of the next. No problem.
Do it just like that, Raven
says. Ready? Go for it.
Cautiously, head high,
eyes straight ahead,
Lori does exactly like
Sean did, crossing
without hesitation.
Across the gorge, she
turns and yells, Awesome!
Justin Goes Second
And as we watch, Tony
comes up to me. You good
with this? Doesn’t look
too awful. Of course,
Conner would tell me my
false sense of security is
due to too many drugs.
“Could be. So can I have
some? Oops. Slip of the tongue.
What I meant was, can
I have some drugs?”
Tony laughs. Feel free to
slip your tongue any time,
long as you slip it my way.
But seriously, you feel
okay about doing this?
Justin has reached the other
side. He turns, grinning,
and waves. “If he can do it,
I can do it.” I lower my voice.
“But what about Conner?”
He says he’s fine, that he
just felt a little queasy
for a s
econd or two. He also
said if he stops halfway
one of us should push
him over the side.
He was at least half joking.
A crack in his rock,
solid armor? “I figured
he’d be the first one to
master every challenge
out here. Do you really
think he’s okay?”
Tony turns to look at Conner,
standing off alone—his new MO.
No, Vanessa, he says.
I don’t think so at all.
As If to Prove Him Wrong
Conner strides over to Raven,
climbs into a harness
and, without a single misstep,
handles the gorge
like it was nothing
more than a drainage ditch.
“Okay then. Guess
I’ll go next.”
Tony lays a hand on
my shoulder. Vanessa?
Just in case you or I don’
make it … He grins, then
leans his face toward mine,
… please remember this.
His lips, chapped and cold,
find mine. His kiss is sweet,
filled with emotion. Love you.
I expect repercussions—
a warning from Raven,
a catcall from Dahlia.
But either no one noticed
or no one cared.
“I love you, too, Tony.
Now wish me luck.”
The harness is heavier
than I thought it would be—
it makes me feel fairly
secure. At least I’m pretty
sure I won’t end up at
the bottom of the gorge,
no matter what the bridge does.
As she helps me into it,
Raven says, You and Tony
getting serious? I had
a different idea about
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