Impulse

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by Ellen Hopkins


  I didn’t cry when I heard she

  was dead.” I’d like to cry now.

  Don’t know how.

  Tony

  I’ve rd Confession

  Is good for the soul.

  Not sure that’s so,

  but what the hell?

  It might not make me

  feel better, but it should

  make Vanessa and Conner

  feel better about their

  own guilt trips. “I killed

  someone too. But I didn’t

  love him. I hated him

  with a passion. You were

  twelve when you lost

  your virginity? I was eight,

  and I lost it to Larry. I

  already told you that,

  and I told you I hurt him

  pretty bad. Truth is, I

  killed his sorry ass.

  He kept a gun in a lockbox

  inside his car. Dumb

  shit never bothered to

  lock the lockbox. I knew

  that because a couple

  of times, he pulled out

  the gun to threaten my

  ma. One day, after a

  particularly bad night

  with Larry, I walked

  out to his car, found

  the gun under the seat.

  Ma had fixed him

  pancakes for breakfast.

  I walked into the kitchen,

  took dead aim at his

  Aunt Jemima mouth,

  and pulled the trigger.”

  The Whole Rotten Truth

  Right out in the open.

  And only now it occurs

  to me that it might mean

  Vanessa turning her

  back on me. I hold her

  even tighter, look into

  her eyes, hoping to find

  compassion. “Please tell

  me you don’t hate me.”

  Oh, Tony, she says, I could

  never hate you. I understand

  why you did what you did.

  Okay, everyone, break it

  up, calls Sean. We’ve got

  another big day tomorrow.

  I wish I could sit here all

  night, holding Vanessa,

  kissing her. More.

  But she pulls away. Guess

  that’s my cue. No worries,

  Tony. I still love you.

  “Love you, too.” I watch

  her slow retreat, filled

  to the brim with loving her.

  Conner taps my shoulder.

  Hey, Tony. Guess what.

  I don’t think you’re gay.

  It’s an amazing concept,

  and so new. “You know,

  you just might be right.”

  We both crawl into our

  sleeping bags, and into

  our own little worlds.

  I bet Conner’s thinking

  about Leona. But there’s

  only one person on my mind.

  Actually, There Are Two

  As everyone else falls

  into Snorezone, I’m

  still thinking about

  Vanessa and what she

  means to me. As I do,

  Phillip creeps into

  my thoughts. “You’d

  like her,” I tell him,

  very, very quietly,

  so no one hears me

  talking to the dead.

  “She’s incredible, not

  that she’s perfect. But you

  once said imperfections

  create character. She’s got

  character, all right. And,

  as you know, I lean way

  toward imperfection myself.

  I was really confused

  about this for a while.

  Genetics versus learned

  (or forced) behavior

  and all. But it sure feels

  real. Sure feels right.

  I’ve never felt so right

  before. Never felt so

  in love before. In fact,

  except for you, Phillip,

  I can’t remember ever

  feeling love for anyone.”

  Now an old memory

  of Phillip floats into

  foggy view. Tony, I’ve

  never known anyone

  as deserving of love

  as you. When it finds you,

  don’t question it.

  Vanessa

  I’m Lying Here Shivering

  But not because of the weather.

  I’m shivering in a frigid indigo

  sea. Lithium won’t help

  this slice of depression.

  Thinking about the baby

  always drops me here.

  It would be a real baby now,

  a perfect piece of defective me.

  Still, all that was completely

  my own fault. I think of Conner,

  whose nanny decided to make

  him a man. Who knows

  what sort of damage

  she did to his psyche.

  And then there’s Tony,

  who spent his childhood

  locked up because of some

  pervert. He should be

  a terrible person. Instead,

  he’s the sweetest, least

  selfish guy I’ve ever known.

  How can that be?

  And how can it be he’s so

  in love with me? To grow

  up without love, and still

  have so much inside?

  Just think who he might

  have been, had everything

  been different for him.

  Of course, then I wouldn’t

  know him now. Love him now.

  As everything falls very quiet,

  something silent calls to me.

  Will the damnable steel

  never leave me alone,

  never quit whispering

  sweet nothings to me?

  I Wake, Thankful

  I didn’t give in to

  temptation, hunt for a knife

  in the dark of camp, even

  though I wanted to so badly.

  Will I ever completely

  lose the urge to mutilate myself?

  Everyone up and at ’em, urges

  Raven. Are we gonna have

  fun today! Today, we learn

  to climb. You all up for that?

  A chorus of halfhearted

  “sures” and “okays” answers

  her. But personally, I’m ready.

  “Come on, you guys. Rock

  climbing is awesome.”

  Like I have a clue.

  Not just climbing, but

  spelunking, too. There’s an

  outrageous cave not far

  from here. But first, you

  have to master the fine art

  called rappelling.

  Like all art, it takes a certain touch

  to do it well. And before

  we’re through, you will

  all do it well. Won’t you?

  This time she mostly

  gets groans for answers.

  Only Tony seems almost

  as enthusiastic as I am.

  He stands, salutes her.

  Yes, ma’am, we will all

  do it well. He grins in my

  direction. You really want

  to do this, don’t you?

  I nod. “Don’t ask me why.

  Maybe a little of my dad

  has rubbed off on me, after all.”

  Raven Quides Us

  To the base of a semishort

  rock outcropping. First

  we go up, then we rappel

  down, I assume.

  First you go up, then

  you rappel down. But

  the very first thing you

  need to learn is how

  to belay your climbing

  partner. This simple

 
; technique can save a life.

  Everyone buddy up.

  For the next two hours,

  we learn how about ropes,

  carabiners, and ATCs; crotch

  loops, leg loops, and slider

  buckles. Most important,

  we learn about the guide hand,

  the brake hand, and how

  the two interact. Finally

  Raven asks for volunteers.

  My (guide) hand shoots up.

  Dahlia has little choice but

  to go along. You bitch.

  If I die, I’m coming back

  to get you, too. Don’t think

  I won’t be up for it. I’m

  half-thinking about it now.

  “Fine. You want to be

  leader or stay down here?”

  She chooses the latter,

  and I start to climb, looking

  for hand and footholds. It’s

  not so difficult, and I feel

  relatively safe in my harness,

  with Dahlia hopefully keeping

  the line slack-free and controlled.

  “This is easy,” I call. And it is.

  So far.

  Conner

  We Spend All Day

  Feeding rope to our buddies,

  then taking our own turns,

  scraping and scrapping up rocks.

  Right now, winded and aching,

  I’m taking a breather, high

  above the blossoming playa.

  I swear I can take in a thousand

  square miles of view. Too bad

  it just looks like a sea of nothing.

  I should feel accomplishment.

  But all I feel is numb. Numb

  and weary, to a surreal degree.

  Hey, Conner, calls Tony.

  Ready? It’s our turn to rappel.

  “Coming.” Ready or not, I

  stand and make myself steady

  my trembling legs. I can’t

  believe how weak I am.

  Hey, man, observes my buddy.

  You look like you’re gonna heave.

  I feel like it too, but I can’t

  admit it. “No worries. I’m fine.”

  You sure? You don’t want to be

  dangling midair, feeling like shit.

  Anger flashes like lightning.

  “I said I’m fucking fine.”

  Tony stays cool. Okay, man.

  It’s all yours. Go ahead.

  I climb into the harness, fix my

  ropes just how Raven showed us.

  Then I lower myself over the edge,

  thrust myself toward the ground.

  It’s a Shaky Ride

  But I manage it without

  pulting. One by one, the others

  follow, whooping like they’re

  actually having fun. Jerks.

  Vanessa comes up to me,

  grinning, softly kisses my

  cheek. Wasn’t that amazing?

  My head’s kind of spinning,

  but the rest of me feels great.

  She lays one gentle hand on

  my shoulder, and I notice how

  sunlight plays, gold, on her skin.

  Suddenly I want her to

  pull me in, hold me close,

  absorb me like oxygen.

  Suddenly I feel lost. Alone.

  What’s wrong with me? This girl

  is an angel, and I had every

  chance to love her. Why must I

  rebel against the idea of love?

  Now here comes Tony, so in

  love with her it’s all over

  his face. He gives me an easy

  shove. Putting the moves on my girl?

  A green wave of envy washes

  over me. Ludicrous! I might

  want her, but he deserves her.

  “Save it, Ceccarelli. I tried

  to steal her from you, but

  the best she’d do was give me

  a rain check. I strongly

  suggest you take good care of her.”

  Sean interrupts our banter.

  Great job, everyone. Now we’d

  better get moving. Surprises

  await you all at camp.

  The First Surprise

  Is the two-mile walk to reach

  our new campsite. We hike

  up a narrow canyon, between

  two hulking granite walls.

  The grade is relatively

  steep and I was tired before

  we began. No matter how hard

  I try, I just can’t keep up.

  Tony falls back and walks

  beside me. Long day, huh?

  His presence persuades

  me to lengthen my stride.

  “Pretty damn long, all right.

  I think I need a vacation.”

  He grins. This is your vacation.

  What I need is a shower. I stink.

  He does. We all do. “Water and

  soap? What a civilized concept.”

  Me? Civilized? He sniffs his armpits.

  Nope. Not even close.

  Finally Sean signals us to stop

  and make camp. We repeat our

  well-practiced routine, then

  I tramp out in the brush to piss.

  I return to surprise number

  two—candy bars, nuts, and beef

  jerky, to supplement our roast

  turkey, stuffing, and gravy goo.

  After dinner, Raven offers

  yet a third surprise. Letters

  from home. She passes them out

  like treasure, in the absurd belief

  that everyone wants theirs.

  Tony

  The First Letter

  I’ve ever gotten (except

  for a couple from the state

  of Nevada) is from my pa.

  He never even wrote me

  when I was in lockup.

  What can he have to say now?

  The others withdraw into

  neutral corners. But I need

  moral support. I go over

  to Vanessa. “May I sit

  next to you? I promise not

  to read over your shoulder.”

  She pats the ground beside

  her. Of course you can sit

  here. I don’t really want

  to be alone right now either.

  Besides … she puffs into

  the cold air. You’re warm.

  Somehow she doesn’t

  notice the smell of

  today’s exertions.

  Maybe she’s olfactory

  challenged. Or maybe

  she just doesn’t care.

  And somehow, her own

  earthy scent turns me

  on. I move my leg so it

  touches hers, ankle to

  thigh. Her body heat

  turns me on even more.

  Completely turned on,

  by a girl. The strangest

  thing about feeling this

  way is thinking I’ve

  never really been turned

  on before—by anyone.

  It’s So New

  My body telling me

  it really, truly wants

  sex. It’s so new, knowing

  initiating sex can and

  will be up to me. I will

  never be forced to again.

  It’s so new, this woman

  thing, yet it doesn’t feel

  foreign. It feels like where

  I’ve always belonged.

  It’s so new, equating sex

  with emotion. With love.

  Again, I think of Phillip,

  the only person I’ve ever

  felt anything like love for.

  And I’m sure he’s smiling.

  About Vanessa. About

  my being able to love her.

  About the letter in my

  hand. More than once,


  he encouraged me to try

  and contact my pa, but

  I always refused. Stubborn

  as tar, Phillip called me.

  Are you going to open

  that or what? Vanessa

  says, rattling the envelope

  in her own hand. I’ll open

  mine if you open yours,

  okay? Ready? One, two …

  As we slit the seals, I

  wonder why she has

  hesitated this long.

  What secrets of her own

  is she still hiding? Will

  she ever share them with me?

  I Start to Read

  Vanessa

  I Thought My Letter

  Would be from Grandma.

  It’s not:

  Tony Sighs

  Echoing my own feelings.

  He reaches for my hand,

  and I gratefully slide mine

  into the warmth of his.

  “You okay?”

  Yeah, I think so. It’s just.

  kind of confusing.

  “What is?”

  He lifts my hand to his full,

  soft lips. Everything.

  Three months ago

  I didn a have a father.

  Didn’t have you.

  Didn’t even have a clear

  idea of me. All that has

  changed, and I’m scared.

  “Why, Tony?”

  Because before I had

  nothing to lose. Now

  I’ve got everything to lose

  if I somehow fuck this up.

  “Life is all about change.

  If it were static, think

  about how boring it would

  be. You can’t be afraid

  of it, and you can’t worry

 

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