by R G Berube
The most awaited time of day was after sundown when all collected in the dining hall for the principal meal. This was the one good feast at which little in the line of food or drink was spared. In actuality and in retrospect that meal was plain, but compared with the two other meager ones, it appeared to be a sumptuous feast.
There we grew loud, ribald sometimes, but mostly child-like. It was where all met at this one time and ate the same fare; all subject to the same jeering and sometimes-abusive harangues. Critoneo, seated at the head of the table for prefects and proctors, stood when it became obvious that the abuse was out of hand and with a loud thud of his staff, brought order back to the mob..., if only temporarily!
When the meal was completed letters or correspondence having arrived that day, were distributed. The news of the day was read aloud. We were informed about the state of health of the Emperor, and where he might be in his travels, (Hadrian was seldom within the city. There were many who begrudged his curiosity and travels to other parts of hid empire). We prayed for the Emperor's good health and protection by the gods. After the evening rituals we were allowed some idle time.
It was this time, the quiet hour before the lamps were extinguished, that I most prized. It was when Alexamenos and I grew closer. We shared thoughts of our homeland, and memories of our childhood during some of these intimate moments, while seated close together for warmth. The cold September winds were now invading the huge halls and permeating the cubicles; the braziers were not yet lit. Speaking quietly together I first noticed how Alexamenos looked at me. His eyes, so deep and brooding, had moisture at their corners and I thought him about to weep. I reached out with one hand and touched his cheek to give him solace. He took my hand and brought it to his lips. We embraced. The contact overwhelmed me. His body touched mine and made me weak. We separated but our eyes did not and remained close until the signal to extinguish the lamps. We climbed into bed together, naked and fully aroused. The excitement of his skin and the pounding of my heart as he pressed himself against me; the surge of pleasure as he touched me made me think there was nothing more wonderful and lovely. It was a feeling I did not think possible! The fist stirring of love led me to regard Alexamenos with a deep emotion I could not fully understand or control.
In the days that followed, Critoneo noticed a change and took me aside.
“You seem happy, Antinoos...”
I began to speak but he motioned with his hand that I should hold my words.
“This feeling you have for Alexamenos, it may be nothing more than good friendship. I approve if it is only that! But should it be more or become more, then I caution you to avoid placing too much affection in someone who, due to a multiple of reasons, may soon need to leave.”
I was stunned by his words.
“Critoneo, are you saying that Alexamenos is leaving?”
He smiled and sat beside me, putting his arm around me.
“I only advise against the foolishness of misplaced affections. Any of you could be sent away at any time. Many reasons could require your services elsewhere, which would end your stay here.”
“Am I as likely to be sent away?” I suddenly felt the same sense of insecurity that had filled me in the first few weeks.
“Antinoos, you will not be sent away. I guarantee it! I have been expressly assigned as your mentor. There are plans, for you. Listen, my boy, be particularly attentive to what I tell you.”
Critoneo stood and brought me to my feet. I followed as he led the way to the exterior courtyard, and to the street. My surprise at being taken to the streets made it difficult for me to accord him the attention he sought. It was the first time I had walked among the people, since my arrival. We had always been transported to whatever destination it was necessary for us to go for our duties. Now I found myself among the throngs who filled the alleys that wound toward the larger streets of the Colonnade. Wheeled traffic was not allowed in the streets of Rome difficult to walk and we were buffeted and jarred by the throngs until we reached a little public park near the Circus Maximus. There, in the shade of a tree, we sat on a small stone bench.
The surrounding trees and lushness of the place helped to muffle out the sounds of the streets. I felt peaceful and content to be in Critoneo's company. He reached into the folds of his cloak and brought forth honeyed cakes and a flask of wine. We sat and ate, not saying a word and the silence made me uneasy. I began to suspect a sinister reason for the meeting.
With the food consumed, Critoneo stretched himself and as I looked into his face for some telltale sign of his purpose, he recognized my anxiety.
“Be at ease,” he cautioned me as he let his cloak slip from his shoulders. The breeze filled his tunic and billowed it so that he was suddenly exposed. He laughed without shame and enjoyed the frivolity of the moment.
“You seem so pensive! It was not my intention to cause you worry when I spoke, some moments ago. I merely make you aware that there are plans for you that allow for little diversion. It would be a detriment for you to allow your affections to go to another. I understand your loneliness and how Alexamenos' friendship means much to you. He is a good companion and he too, values this bond. But it is destined that each of you travel separate paths. Restrain your ardor!”
I was vexed by his words, as they seemed simple enough but there was no mistaking a deeper intention. I knew without a doubt that Critoneo had greater knowledge than what he chose to disclose. He knew my destiny. To ask him to disclose it would have been an act of disrespect, yet I wanted to press him and had to use restraint. It would have placed him in a position of having to deny me. It was understood by all who were in attendance at the paedagogium that no questions were to be asked. We were to place ourselves completely in trust to those who had been selected to
guide us.
“But he is my friend,” I argued. “Am I to deny our friendship?”
“I am asking that you deny nothing and make no promises to him that would interfere with the business you have been brought here to learn. Antinoos believe me when I tell you that in your soul, there is a sweetness that makes you almost irresistible to anyone who takes time to notice. It is what the Emperor saw that afternoon and what brought you within his household. You have a charm that will be as much a deficit as it can be an asset. Your danger lies in the fact that you have no awareness of your power. You will be harmed by it unless you come to know and master it.”
“What is it, this thing?”
Critoneo's words confused me. He saw something in me that I did not. I felt pride that someone found me attractive and worthy of admiration.
“Listen to my counsel. Restrict your ardor in this matter of Alexamenos.”
He spoke these last words abruptly, and I could see that he was losing patience.
“Excuse me, Critoneo...,” I said, wanting him to know I felt his exasperation.
Suddenly he turned and smiled.
“Boy, your youth irritates my age. Be of good faith in what I say and do for you. I have your welfare in mind. Now come, let us enjoy the quietude of this place and take advantage of it to get some sleep. I am relieving you of your afternoon duties. These next few hours will be a holiday.”
Critoneo took his cloak and laid it carefully on the grass beneath a tree and he bid me lay down beside him. I let my head rest in the bend of his arm and he pulled me closer to him so that soon, with his arms about me and feeling secure, I drifted into sleep.
Chapter Four
Illusions
When I awoke, Critoneo was already up and watching me intently. I do not know how long he had been doing so but I felt it had been for some while.
“You were tired, I think.”
“I dreamt of my mother!”
My heart was full of pain at the distance that separated us.
Critoneo nodded and held me for a moment. I began to feel the sorrow well up and thought myself about to cry. To avoid the embarrassment, I stood. Critoneo stood also and we began to walk.
/> “I want you to be able to come to me whenever you feel the need to talk, Antinoos. I have been assigned to you by the Emperor himself, with the edict that you should want for nothing, and that your expected loneliness should find some solace.”
He observed my amazement at the news that the Emperor would take this much interest in me.
“Oh yes, my boy, Hadrian knows you exist. He has not forgotten you. I am commanded to send a weekly report of your progress.”
The solitude of the little park was left behind and we were in the bustle of the streets again, but not walking in the direction of the paedagogium. I found it difficult to pay attention to Critoneo while my ears and eyes were filled with such activity. All about me people pushed and shoved to make way, avoiding being repeatedly forced into the gutters and garbage and shit they contained. The din of the vendors' voices hawking their wares only inches from me; the continuous cacophonous sound of pigs, chickens, and a multitude of other caged animals protesting their lot; the ever-present assault of projectiles carelessly discarded from the insulas above the shops; the smell of aromatic spices blended with that of unwashed bodies, excrement, cooking-oil; all these things commanded my senses. Critoneo's words were lost in the morass. Twice, I felt pickpockets' hands searching for my purse in the folds of my tunic.
Finally reaching a quieter suburb, I was able to concentrate and my mind returned to the question I had been afraid to ask. It escaped my lips before I realized I had verbalized it.
“What is to become of me, Critoneo?”
` “You will become whatever your spirit seeks!”
“But that is not an answer,” I said, angry with his evasiveness.
“Antinoos, believe fully that the gods have chosen you for a special purpose. I was befuddled at first as to why the Emperor took so much interest in obtaining permission from your parents to bring you to Rome. He could have commanded it. When I spoke to him of it, his words were... 'The Gods have selected him, I am sure of it. But all must be of his own accord!”
The manner in which Critoneo ended his sentence made it clear to me that the issue was terminated, at least for the moment. We entered the section of the city given to manufacture. All around us the smell of stables, the pounding metal of the iron-workers, and the scent of dust and chaff of the millers made it difficult to converse and breathe. I understood that Critoneo had come to transact business and it was in one of the latter shops that we entered.
All around the walls were stacked sacks of grain, waiting to be milled. Everything was coated white with the dust of the threshing floor, and the strangely sweet smell of mold filled my nostrils so that I became lightheaded. I followed Critoneo to the rear of the building where the milling was being done by slaves. My heart sank as I was moved by the sight. Such wretched souls I have never seen before or since, even in the bowels of the ship that had transported us from Bithynia. The place was poorly lit and filthy. Many men and boys, all nearly naked, wore the few rags that hung in strips from their emaciated bodies, barely covering the genitals of most. We walked into their midst and upon closer inspection I saw that many had been beaten severely and were covered with bruises. I filled with anguish at a legacy of being born into a life filled with so much pain and adversity with almost no possibility of redemption. Condemned to labor in the most horrendous environments, unable to have the few simple pleasures enjoyed by even the simplest peasant! These miserable slaves could only hope for a few morsels of food and plot on how a few moments of rest might be stolen from the watchful eyes and stinging whip of the masters. It was outrageous!
They worked in desolation, feet shackled in rings that anchored them to their affliction. Their foreheads were branded with letters and their heads shorn to make them easily identifiable should they find escape. These precautions to assure capture seemed ludicrous in lieu of the fact that physical condition and appearance was enough to mark them; hideously pale, looking like resurrected corpses long interred. The dankness of the place consumed flesh and hair. If they found escape, diminished eyesight would severely limit the speed of flight.
I was riveted to the spot by the sight. Critoneo found his man and they spoke for a while, paying little heed to me. The sounds and smells of the place seeped into my pores and for months afterwards I would recall this day and count my good fortune, giving thanks to the Gods who had chosen my destiny. When his business had been completed, Critoneo pulled me by the hem of my cloak and I followed.
“It is my duty to keep our kitchens stocked. I thought you would enjoy coming. Getting away from the paedagogium for a few hours and seeing another part of Rome perhaps enlightens you?”
I understood his purpose and thought deeply of my status compared to that of others.
Evening had fallen by the time we returned to the paedagogium and the dining hall was already filled. I wound my way through the throngs of boys and could see by the way they looked at me as I passed that there were questions of why I had been away for the afternoon. Seeing Alexamenos above the heads of the others I went to him.
“Where have you been?”
There was an edge to his voice.
“With Critoneo,” I answered, disturbed by his agitation.
“You left me. You seem casual about the fact that you missed our time to work the lessons together!”
It was part of our education to read certain works in order to become more familiar with the Roman way. Alexamenos' skills with the written word were minimal. He had difficulty and I had been assisting him with studies. In exchange he had begun teaching me techniques in the art of self defense. Now I remembered were we to be tested on the morrow and Alexamenos was not fully prepared. He would chance the ire of our instructor and the likelihood of being sent to the pound for additional duty as punishment for having neglected his lessons.
I felt remorseful for having forgotten. It had not been up to me to decide whether to accompany Critoneo.
“I am sorry, Alexamenos. Early this afternoon Critoneo had me come with him into the city.”
“What for?”
His question irritated me as I felt I was being made to answer to something for which I had no need to account.
“There were things he wanted to tell me. And I think he wanted the company.”
All the boys around us were attentive to the conversation. Some were making snide remarks to each other about where it was that Critoneo had taken me. One boy speculated that I had probably been led to Critoneo's apartments in the heart of the city.
“You know nothing,” I said to them.
A Sicilian named Philemon who had become a source of irritation to me in the past weeks, who Alexamenos had warned about his abuse, laughed in my face and made a rude gesture to show what it was he thought I had done with Critoneo. Alexamenos made no move to defend me. On the contrary, he sat silent and looked at me with suspicion.
“You think this?” I asked him directly.
“He does take favor with you,” Alexamenos said accusingly. “Critoneo looks out for you like no other, here. What other reason could there be but that he desires you? Tell me that he has never taken liberties?”
“Never!”
At this, a burst of laughter rang out and I stood suddenly, unable to withstand the accusations compounded by the disapproval of Alexamenos. Without thought I began to bolt from the room but a sharp voice rang out that brought me quickly to my senses.
“Boy, be seated and do not rise until all have finished. You know the rules!”
Critoneo had stood and glared at me. His harshness added to my feeling of despair and I sat, tears marking through the day's dust still on my face.
“Look at her,” Philemon jeered. “She cries to soothe the anger of her suitor. You are wasting your tears on that old man, I tell you.”
Alexamenos leapt from his place at the table and fell on the Sicilian, pinning him to the floor. Before he could bring down a blow that would have surely cracked Philemon's skull, two proctors were on him and carried him fr
om the room. Philemon regained his seat and looked at me with hate.
“You must be exceptional on the mattress to have so many enamored with your gifts. Perhaps you would let me taste the same pleasures?”
“I would rather take on the hounds,” I said with disgust.
Because of the commotion with Alexamenos, those at the proctors table were alerted to other possible troubles and the Sicilian knew it. He would not risk being removed like Alexamenos and therefore checked his anger.
“You, little woman, will answer to this when we are in a more appropriate setting. Take care not to be without your protector!”
Throughout the remainder of the meal Critoneo looked my way each time I looked to him. I could not tell his mood or attitude. He had put me in my place, but I felt that it had been more to emphasize to the others that I held no particular position, with him. But no one believed it.
After the lamps had been dimmed and many hours had passed as I lay awake with worry for Alexamenos, he returned. In the darkness of the cubicle I heard him step from his clothes and after some moments of silence, where I believed he was contemplating on whether to come to me, he laid on his own mat. I was filled with remorse, but said nothing. Soon, believing me asleep, I heard him quietly weeping.