by R G Berube
I stood my ground and collected myself to sound less frightened than I felt.
“My speech, sir, is unaffected!”
Gracchus nudged my side. I could not tell if he was warning me to be silent or applauding my courage.
“And what are you implying, page?”
Commodus had turned fully toward me and his face was flushed.
“Only that my speech is unaffected, sir. My temperament and disposition are favorable and I find the wine of a quality quite beyond that of my home-land.”
Knowing his intent to degrade my social standing, I thought it best to acknowledge my rustic background and thereby reduce the tension of his confrontation.
“Thank you for your concern, sir. I will take note of my measures as not to consume too much and make myself a spectacle.”
These were insults only if Commodus chose to make them so. Hadrian was observing us with interest. I could see by the glint in his eyes that he was enjoying the exchange. I stood and bowed.
“By your leave Lord? My lungs need air and my brain tells me it is time for boys to part company and let men get on with the conversations of men.”
By this time I could see the bulging veins in Lucius' neck and temples. His fists were clenched. I feared I had gone too far. But like a drug, my boldness had propelled me. I knew it was time to depart before I lost my footing in the dance, and fell on my face.
Hadrian raised his hand and gave me leave without a word, but I did not miss the wink of his eye and his slight smile as he returned his attention to those around him. Commodus, left speechless, sat as if stunned. He had been stung!
I left alone. Gracchus remained. By not following me, he told me I had done well and had no need of his support. Passing through the courtyard, to my room, I remembered the hill-top shrine I had seen was warmed by the wine and ventured forth without cloak, following a path that led through a wooded area. It took me pass several sentries who demanded my identity. My name was known and progress unimpeded. Emerging from the woods, I saw the outline of Doric columns in the distance. The climb to the hill top was gradual, following steps hewed into the rocky ledge. Moonlight against the stone shrine gave the place a most serene and somber ambiance.
Something of my youth spent on the hillsides of my native Claudiopolis ignited a wave of nostalgia, remembering long nights such as this, when I had studied the stars. Often, I had accompanied my uncle. The multitude pinpoints of light, all of them spirits of the souls who had crossed to the nether world, gave evidence of a life beyond death. Their presence spoke of a great adventure that transcended flesh and blood and the many empty spaces in between were for those souls yet to come.
I wondered where in that immense vastness would my own soul reside? In which constellation would I leave my mark? Some time must have passed lost in these reveries. I eventually became aware that I was not alone. The stars had shifted positions and the moon was below the line of trees to the east. I saw the Emperor sitting quietly at the top of the stone steps. Filled with anxiety for not having noticed his presence or how long he had been waiting, I fell to my knees.
“Will you stop this dropping to your knees each time you see me!” He smiled, rose, and walked toward me. “It is not necessary when there is no one near. I give you permission to bypass the formality when we are alone.”
I stood silently, waiting for direction.
“Sit down, boy! Here, come sit beside me.”
Hadrian led the way to a stone bench carved into the wall of the shrine. The wine had lost its power to warm and I shivered from the cold. Feeling this, Hadrian pulled me closer to him and dropped his cloak about my shoulders.
“You are foolish to be in the night air without proper clothing. You will soon have yourself sneezing and dripping at the nose and speaking as though your head were filled with wool. I shall then have to put you in quarantine less you pass on the affliction to your Emperor. How would we look together each with running noses and red eyes, announcing our intimacy to the world!” All the while he said this he used the edge of his cloak to pantomime wiping my nose and eyes.
Hadrian had me laughing with him. I moved closer for warmth. He bent near and placed his lips against my forehead.
“My Little Bithynian, you fenced well tonight! You took on danger courageously. But do not over-estimate yourself, Antinoos. Commodus is no match for you unless he is drunk, and even then, he could wipe the floor with you. Tonight he held his tongue, if you can believe it! He was treading lightly because I was present. He will find his own time, I am sure of it.”
“Why does he dislike me so?”
I had suspicions, but looked for confirmation. Hadrian edged me away to better look into my face.
“Because you are so young.”
“If I could make myself older to have him let me be, I would do so.”
Holding my hand, he remained silent for a while.
“Do not give your youth away so easily for such a meager reason, and loose a treasure. I hope you remain forever as beautiful as you are right now!”
I looked into his eyes, eyes that could penetrate and bring fear or immediate obedience to all around him, and I saw concern and apprehension. I could not understand the reason. But then they changed, and I saw tenderness and caring.
Lifting my hand to see it in the moonlight, he nodded approvingly.
“I see I need not remove your fingers. You have stopped the biting. Excellent, Antinoos! This shows discipline and a respect for yourself.”
I thought he had forgotten his warning, thankful that I had imposed the elimination of the habit upon myself.
“Perfectly healed. You have will-power Antinoos. I commend you! In my youth I too, bit my nails and had great difficulty controlling the habit. It took me months. You have mastered it in a mere two weeks.”
I was stunned that he would have faced the same embarrassing behavior.
“You, also...?”
“Yes, and I bit them badly. There was no concoction that my mother could compound save one, to stop the nasty habit.”
“What was that?”
“She wrapped my hands in mitts soaked in urine from the stables, and just the stench kept my arms as far from my body as they could stretch.”
It was difficult to visualize the Emperor in such a state. I was thankful I had been spared the ordeal.
Hadrian returned to holding me about the waist and his other hand played with the curls on my forehead. My hair was thick and lengthily, and fell about my shoulders. I kept it banded with a leather fillet. He loosened this and let the hair fall across my face.
“The hour is late, my sweet. Come, we will say a parting prayer to the genius of this place and return to the villa.”
Silent moments followed. It was most appropriate that this deeply significant moment occurred in the sanctuary of Dionysos, god of rebirth, fertility, and drama. Although not the first meeting with Hadrian, it was the first in which a deeply felt emotion was experienced that sparked the flame of love. On this evening Hadrian began to see me as something more than a beautiful youth who gave him pleasure. It was the shrine and the god that worked the magic.
With his cloak still draped about my shoulders, we walked to his quarters. The moment was so tender and beautiful that we moved in silence, finding no need to speak. There is something in human communication that exists beyond words; moments when thoughts get exchanged between those who are emotionally connected. I remember my mother answering my questions before I could voice them, or meeting a need that I had not asked for, but had wished for in my mind. This phenomenon became less surprising as Hadrian and I grew close so that soon, we knew each other's thoughts. But in the beginning it frightened me. The experience went beyond words and dealt with much deeper senses I could not explain nor understand.
Hadrian felt the mood. By his manner and the intensity of his eyes, he showed me his caring and adoration. His person became the object of a powerful attraction and all my being focused on pleasing hi
m. In the embraces of passion I was moved to such intense emotion that all the universe save that exact moment, was naught. My mind and soul became drunk with love; the spirit intoxicated beyond measure. And all this was not the result of his passion and sexuality, but of his tenderness and caring. And how do I explain my heart or attempt to define his? I cannot! I know only that this mortal man, so close to the gods, was able to lift me to similar heights and the rarefied atmosphere almost proved too much!
The proximity to him was like a wine, and I was unaware of how much of it I was consuming. The intoxication was not so much that I was blind to the position I was taking and his closeness at this time, crystallized the acuteness of my role. A voice deep within me spoke of dangers which could come as a cost of his love. History had not gone unlearned, and I was knowledgeable of those who had come before me, found in the same position of intimacy with nobility, and how they had misused their status.
I recall how, in the early hours before the first sounds of birds, I lay close to him feeling the strength of his body. I sensed the beat of his heart as my head lay cradled in his arms. I reviewed the moments since we had arrived and all the days since I had left Bithynia. I saw for the first time, the destiny to which Filiniana and Critoneo had alluded. In my still-childish years I was unprepared for the intrigues and politics of court, and the fear of what was to come made me wonder even more of the fate held in the power of the stars.
In the warmth of his bed, I felt the majesty of his presence and understood the intoxication inherent in being in the company of one so powerful. But like the sun that scorches those who bathe in excess of its brilliance, I knew the precariousness of my position and determined not to place myself too near; to keep a certain distance that would keep me close enough, but in his shadow!
Chapter Fourteen
Of Things Remembered, And Things To Be
Without the pressing needs of court, we slept well ‘til mid-day. The ardor of our lovemaking was not reduced by physical satisfaction, but intensified by it. It was in his arms and by his side that the quality of my feelings were most significant and would remain so. On this morning, his affection and enthusiasm for my presence was an exhilaration. Being needed and loved; each time I was with him, were like pearls of a necklace; each obtained with joy and each adding to the richness of the whole and to my fortune. I found myself preoccupied with how I might please him; making his moments with me little excursions from the intensity of his role as Emperor. But I also followed his lead and invested effort to better my station by expanding and ever-seeking new ways of being of service.
After satisfying our hunger and thirst with fruit and spring water, we went to the baths and allowed ourselves to sweat the excesses of the previous evening. Salvus had planned the baths carefully. The lavish and ornate decor did not overwhelm, but gave a sense of pleasure. We bathed in heated waters. Oils and unguents were used, the cost of which I could not have guessed! I took the opportunity of the moment to enjoy it thoroughly. Unlike the baths of Rome, these were exclusive to the occupants of the villa, much less noisy and just as splendid as those wonderful places in the city into which Emperors of the past had invested millions of sesterces to placate and keep the public favor.
Salvus had built everything needed but the colonnades usually surrounding those public baths, and under which shops and vendors sold their wares. Here, no such distractions diminished the beauty. The thermae of the city were beehives of activity. This little oasis of peace was soothing. He had taken care in its construction and the tepidarium was warmed by some kind of system of hot air beneath the floor. The frigidarium walls and floors were faced with mosaics of the sea and its creatures. It held a large ceramic pool filled with cold water that I chose to by-pass in favor of the warmth of the caldarium. There, we sat for some time and immersed in hot water, we talked of things to come.
I was in the company of the Emperor, yet he made little of this, not imposing his stature but instead, denying the assistance of slaves and dismissing them. We were left alone.
“Tell me how you feel this morning, Antinoos?”
“Very happy, Lord.”
In spite of our closeness and intimacy I felt reluctant to engage in depth, and restricted myself to brief responses.
“And what is the nature of this happiness? Do you miss your friends?”
“I have few, Sire.”
“Yes, I know.”
Hadrian looked at me as he rubbed himself with a sponge. I reached and took it, continuing the process on his back and shoulders.
“You seem to have little to do with your peers.”
I realized that he was keeping informed of my actions and interests.
“There were boys with whom I studied, in Claudiopolis. They were my friends. And there was Alexamenos. I love him.”
“Do you reproach me for taking you away?”
Had my words sounded like resentment? In truth there was some sorrow of their loss.
“I am where I must be, Lord. I believe I can be as blissful as I feel right now without lacking the sadness for memories of past friendships.”
I was scrubbing his back. Hadrian took my arm and stopped me. Facing me, he put both hands on each side of my face and raised my eyes to his.
“Is that what you are feeling, Antinoos? Bliss is so momentary! Would you be happier if you were back with your family?”
It was not an idle question. I realized that one word from me would be enough for him to have me returned to Bithynia, and it would be done without anger.
“My course has been set, Lord. I am where the fates intend. It is not by chance that I receive your love and attention. My hope is that I am worthy of it, and I please you.”
A long silence followed, like the one of our first meeting in the garden. Hadrian's gaze bore into me so deeply that I felt he perceived something beyond my understanding. I felt laid naked, my soul and spirit pared to the bone, as his eyes took me into himself so that I had the sensation of being engulfed by him.
“Easy child! You've turned pale. Do I frighten you so much?”
He lifted me and carried me to a bench where he swaddled me in a large towel. I sat, dazed, numbed by the presence of this powerful, naked man who now cared for me as a slave would care for his master. My eyes fixed on two long scars that crossed his lower abdomen and passed through the hairs of his pubes, down to the upper part of his thigh. They were faded scars of some age. In the ardor of my loving him I had not noticed them before, and wondered how I had missed them. With a finger I traced one its entire length. My touch brought an instant reaction. I bent near and placed my lips on the scarred tissue.
“You see the result of an encounter with a mountain cat when I was a youth. I foolishly hunted him alone to prove my bravery and almost gave up my life for it.”
“How old were you?”
“Younger than you by two years. It was my beginning of keeping tight reigns on my impulses.”
With my lips I pressed harder against the wounds.
“How wonderful you are,” he whispered, enjoying my touch. “How beautiful you are, Antinoos! Your body is so perfect and unmarred. In truth I have never seen a youth so filled with beauty and yet so unmindful of it. What fate has brought you to me?”
Hadrian took his place beside me once more, and we sat, holding hands; I in my towel and he, still naked. In profile, his face seemed stone-like. In times to come I would see him like this from the side, and the blankness of his expression would make me wonder where his thoughts roamed.
Even as he spoke I felt relief in some remote part of me that had questioned whether the exhilaration I was feeling was of my own creation. Would I become something more than one of the many youths whose blossoming charms held such great attraction for him?
Out of the distance of time, I recalled words from a moment many years before, when as a child of four or five, I had been in the company of my grandfather. I had strayed into his study one evening, attracted to the room filled with s
trange machines and celestial charts, to which he never allowed anyone entrance. But this night, he beckoned.
Grandfather, a severe man who never had a kind word and who I feared, took me in his arms this night and held me for some time. He informed me that my life would be a short one, but in it I would live two lifetimes. He pointed to a chart upon which were symbols and writings I could not understand, and told me my sign would early attach itself to a flaming celestial body and that, ablaze, would only be put out by immersion in sacred waters. All this had been babble, then. I had let it slip from mind. I sensed now that the symbol of the blazing sun was of Hadrian. It was a dire prediction and I wondered in what manner I would still the fire?
So much of me was filled with all manner of sensations, feelings, questions, fears, simultaneously mixed with joy and excitement!
“What is to become of me?”
The question was out of me before I had given it thought. Perhaps the mood of his caring and his closeness made me feel familiar enough to ask it. Once done, I wanted the answer.
Hadrian raised me to my feet and took away the cloth that had covered me. I stood naked before him and he looked at me from head to foot. There would have been times in the past when such scrutiny would have caused me great distress. But in his presence I felt nothing but pride and happiness that I could bring such joy to him. I had pride in how proportioned my body had become in the several months since I had taken effort to work it by running with the dogs. My stomach and calves, my buttocks, all lost the fat of youth and it had been replaced with muscle obtained through relentless riding lessons under the strict eye of Septimus, the officer to whom I had been assigned. He had been a true task-master and I had gained much from him, and was still doing so. The test was to be the hunt.
Standing proudly before him, in jest, I flexed the muscles of my arms and turned to show how I could flex the ones in my buttocks, making each move independently. Hadrian began to laugh and slapped me sharply on the rump so that his hand was left imprinted. It stung, but there was satisfaction in the pain.