by R G Berube
It seemed so inconceivable that on such a beautiful day, one filled with the promise of an approaching Spring, a day that had dawned with our lovemaking followed by unhurried hours of languishing in the Heliocamenus, that now this mood of tenderness should turn to such a dire topic. But I understood his preoccupation with the subject of his death as the possible result of his recent illness. I understood it and fought against it all at the same time.
"It worries me that your mind is on death, dear Hadrian. On such a day as this, with the pending journey, thoughts should be given to life and living. We will be together and in this, I find great joy. I thrill with the thought of serving you in the following months and with seeing the marvels of which you have so often spoken. I can barely resist the temptation to begin packing my things. In fact I have done some little packing already!"
He burst into laughter as he studied my face and saw the excitement. Turning to face me and suddenly holding me about the waist, he lifted me into his arms.
"Oh but how you delight me, boy! Each day brings new revelation of wonder. How much I love you! It is because I love you so dearly that my mind sometimes dwells on the morbid. It is not my intention to make you uneasy with all this talk, Antinoos. I feel a responsibility to make you aware of some of the cautions which come with being close to the Emperor, and in your case, his lover also. Yours is a tenuous position. One as sensitive as my own, in many ways. You have done well by it to date. Many in your shoes would have given in to temptation and have well feathered their nests already. Your innocence and goodness may well be your most vulnerable element. My darling, be ever cautious to keep a sharp ear and eye to danger."
With these words I could see that the subject was not something new to him but one to which he had given pervious thought, and had set to planning. He continued speaking as we strolled a path that led toward the valley where the river ran. I looked behind me out of habit and saw several legionaries following, keeping a respectful distance. In the distance snow on the summit of Monte Gennaro had begun to recede, filling the River Aniene almost to its banks; a sign of the approaching Spring. I could hear the rush of water far below and felt its coldness in the air. I shivered, not knowing if it was a result of the cold or from the chill of the discussion. Always attentive to me, Hadrian pulled me close and wrapped me in his cloak.
A sensitive question crossed my mind and I was reluctant to ask it, but felt compelled to do so.
"Lord, should I fear Lucius in the manner you have cautioned?"
Hadrian smiled, but it was one of understanding and compassion.
"Well you might ask that, Antinoos. It would be a question in my own mind, if I were you. Lucius Commodus is a hard man and one prone to quick action and compulsive behavior. He sometimes tests my own patience and makes me angry with his lack of thought and consideration. But he is a good man! It is not in his nature to do the harm you fear. No, in spite of what you think, Lucius knows how I feel about you and respects that. He might do little to help, but it would not be he who would harm you. That danger will come from the lower ranks.
"But enough of this talk. It depresses me and I can see it does the same to you. Let us enjoy the remainder of the afternoon!"
Hadrian raised an arm, and one of the Praetorians came forward with two bows.
"I have a taste for hare. Three will do nicely for the meal I have in mind to prepare for you this evening. It is a dish I learned from my father. Come, it is time to idle no longer. Let us see if we can hunt our meal!"
Hadrian took great pleasure in skinning the animals, cleaning the carcasses and adding the right spices to the meat as it cooked over an open fire. He chose the little courtyard of the maritime theater as the site. He loved to go there to retreat from the activity of the villa. I seldom attended him when he was in those moods, realizing his need to be alone. But this night, he insisted I come with him. The place was isolated from the property by a high wall and its architecture offered solitude, a sanctuary blessed with a special aura of sacredness by its purpose and design.
Braziers had been lit to ward off the nighttime. I stood by, watching as he found peace in the meal's preparation. Around us, moonlight lit the white marble and torches created dancing patterns across the arches and hollows where votive offerings and statues filledthe spaces.
We ate in silence. It was one of those times when all was said and understood without the need for words. Our closeness was language enough. In the light of the fire I looked into his eyes, feeling his love by the manner in which he returned my gaze. In these moments I became filled with overwhelming emotion. Good sense gave way to passion that would allow any manner of excess. I understood why, in matters of love, temperance takes leave to passion and logic is numbed into sleep.
With the meal finished, we sat together in an alcove protected from the cold wind that had come down from the mountains, wrapped in his woolen cloak, my head against his chest. The sound of singing and laughing voices from the Praetorian's quarters in the distance, their merriment a counterpoint to our own silence, made me feel even more secluded.
When Hadrian returned to Rome, I determined to keep my mind free from sorrow and the anticipation of my time with the lessons prepared by Antipas. Always in the forefront of my thoughts was the goal of becoming as knowledgeable as I was capable. I wanted to do him honor and earn his respect and pride. Although preoccupied with the details of state necessary, before his departure, Hadrian found time to come to me twice weekly. On my way to Salvus' villa to see Gracchus, I stopped in Rome to pay a visit to Sabina by way of asking to see Filiniana. The Empress sent for me when she was told that I was in the palace. By the tone of voice used by her messenger, I was convinced the summons had a dire objective. But my fears were soon allayed when she greeted me cordially.
"Sit yourself, boy," she pointed to a divan by the window. Sabina was being attended by her hairdresser and waived the girl away, taking notice that I had quickly looked about the room upon entering.
"You seek her? You will be with her soon enough, Antinoos. I have given her leave for the remainder of the afternoon so you can spend time together. Where are you off to, boy? Have you come expressly to see the Emperor?"
"No, my Lady. I travel to the villa of Salvus Julianus to see a friend. But I also wanted to see Filiniana."
"And no intention of seeing Hadrian?"
I thought Sabina more direct than I remembered. She was obviously steering the conversation with purpose. I felt no other choice but to answer her honestly and avoid nothing she introduced.
I nodded assent. "Yes, Lady, that was also my intention, but not sure if his schedule will allow a visit today. I do intend to try."
She laughed and walked to where I stood; leading me back to the place she had told me to sit.
"You are either very innocent of the degree of passion that this man feels for you, or feigning innocence. Which is it, boy?"
I was at a loss to answer her.
"I beg your pardon, my Lady. I do not understand."
"Come, boy!" she said, looking straight into my eyes. "You wish to tell me you do not know that Hadrian would drop his calendar at a moment's notice if he knew you were waiting?"
I bowed in embarrassment. "That would truly surprise me," I answered. "I know the Emperor has concern for the things of state and can hold his priorities. I will gladly wait until he finishes his business."
"Then there are some things you need to know..., how does he call you? Ah yes, his Little Bithynian! You are no longer so little, Antinoos. You've grown into a young man and by the looks of you; I can easily see what Hadrian admires. He always has had a weakness for a pretty face. But to find such a face on an equally beautiful body and to have such a boy posses what appears to be an acute mind. That is a find! But from your response I wonder just how acute your mind really is. Surely you are aware the Emperor is madly in love with you. I have never seen him quite so keen on anyone before. I've watched his passions, and all have quickly faded after th
e first or second satiation of appetite. But with you, he seems to grow more in love. You seem shocked by what I say, Antinoos"
"No Lady, not shocked as much as I am surprised by your candor. It is not a discussion I envisioned having with you."
"Indeed I expect you did not," she said, enjoying my own directness.
"But here we are, and we are having it. So let us be free with our thoughts, lad. The time is soon coming when we will be sharing him to a greater degree. You are aware that I am to accompany him on this journey. It is a function for which I am not anxious to serve, but my position as Empress leaves no choice. It is important that I be seen in his company. I too, have responsibilities to my people.
"So let us understand each other fully, Antinoos. I will tell you now that I hold no animosity toward you. In fact, I find you likable. I am in debt to you for the soothing that you have brought to his soul. In many ways he is a tortured man. Our relationship has not aided him nor has it been pleasing to me. I had hoped for much more when I was a young girl. I did not expect to be shunned as I have been. Much is said about my anger toward him. It is true that each time I see him, it is a reminder of what my life could have been, and I blame him for it. But none of that has anything to do with you.
"You were not the first boy he has loved, nor will you be the last. You are the first to capture his heart so solidly. Something about you is different from all the rest."
Sabina had not been speaking to me as much as she had been speaking her thoughts aloud in reflection. I remained silent.
"For the first time in many years there is accord between us. He even sends me greetings daily and that was something I thought impossible. Sometimes I think I see more of the old Hadrian I once briefly knew and loved.
"It is obvious that you are becoming the most prominent relationship, and the one he seems to love the most intently. Lucius Commodus was a discovery of talent that the Emperor selected for great things, and with whom he only incidentally had a physical relationship. You are someone who stands out as different from the rest. You will be feared where most were not.
"We will find conflicting courses in the months to come and I thought it best that we understood each other from the beginning. It is not the first time that I would come into conflict with one of his paramours. Each time I was able to dismiss the catamites with little more than a look, so little was their value in the scheme of things.
"With you, it is different. I believe Hadrian has found some elements of his emotions that he has never tapped, and for this I am grateful. It has made him a better Emperor and a more attentive husband, albeit the attention is minimal and it has made him more a content person within his own soul. There is much for which to thank you, Greek."
Sabina continued looking at me for the longest time and I knew not whether she was awaiting a response or simply following her thoughts further. Finally, I responded with words that had been sounding loudly within my own head.
"Lady, it has never been my intention to take from him anything he was not fully willing to give. Only recently have I been able to break from the need to hide the truth of this wonderful relationship. It seems inconceivable that a man such as he, so powerful and great, would find in me something to love as deeply as he seems. From my heart I tell you that I hold no personal gain other than to be of service to him and, by my relationship, to come to know so much more than would not have been available to me. I hold no other aspiration than to be by his side and be whatever comfort I can offer. But I tell you also that there is more to this relationship than I can understand. I feel troubled by some of it. My eyes, as they look toward the horizon of the future, see dark clouds that foretell storms."
Sabina listened silently as I spoke.
"Have you understood what that means," she asked.
"I sense that my destiny in all this, will be short-
lived. This frightens me. The Emperor is aware of it also. We have spoken of it recently. But for as much as I know that my time is numbered, as nothing is eternal, I continue to love him more deeply than I thought possible. I sense a danger and I cannot turn back. I must follow wherever the gods lead me. Even if it to a final destiny I would not chose."
Sabina came closer as her interest heightened.
"And how do you come to these perceptions?"
I felt her probing and suspected that she already was aware of my interest in the occult and the stars.
"I have not been idle, Lady. while the Emperor has been at work in Rome, I have been studying. Through his teachings and those of my grandfather, I have looked to the skies for truth. There are certain divinations which can tell the future. Although an amateur at these things, I have been able to perform some rites with enough care to see specters in the shadows of the coming times. And what I have seen makes me weary. I sense greatness in the things to come, but I also feel that there is cataclysm."
"Has Filiniana been involved in any of this," Sabina asked. "I know that she, too, has such interests and practices the art."
"No Lady, I have consulted her but once, and she denied me the information."
"And what do you make of it, boy?"
I was unsure of the purpose of her interest. I felt myself divulging too much and worried how these premonitions tied in with Hadrian's recent illness, not knowing if she had been privy to the knowledge. Because I had been sworn to secrecy, I resolved not to mention the matter.
"The Emperor does have concern for the drought in the East. It is a key reason for his going. Perhaps these impressions of mine have that as their base."
"Well," she said, changing the conversation. "I have brought you here for a purpose, Antinoos. Listen to what I tell you. I repeat that I am fond of you. I sense you have purity of heart in your dealings with him. I allow you much more than I have to those before you who shared his bed and wealth. Some of those disgusting creatures have found prudence in taking leave from him after having dealt with me. Most were simply discarded like something old, once used. But in you he sees something more.
"I allow you much, boy! It is by the effect you have on him that I judge you. And so far the effect has produced a man far more human than the one I have seen, in him. But I tell you now that I will come down against you with force if I see that you abuse your position. Hadrian is too in love and crazed with you to see clearly, I think. I have no intention of seeing him ridiculed or used, as that comes directly to bear on my own position. Do you understand?"
Her threats had been voiced in a gentle tone but there was no mistaking the absoluteness of her words. I was convinced that she was fully capable of carrying out her ends. I did feel that she liked me.
"I understand fully, my Lady. I follow my heart in what I do and ask that you give me guidance, should you see me come to bear him harm. In my deepest intentions, I will avoid ever hurting him. I am open to your counsel."
"So be it," she said with finality. "Take heed to what we have discussed here. Keep me informed of what you come to know about these premonitions of yours. Now, leave me and go to the one who waits for you. You will find her in the garden. Speak of none of this with the Emperor!"
PART THREE
Chapter Twenty One
Coming Of Age
There is still so much yet to tell! Seeing all as I do now, the years were but a moment! I stand awed at the events that sculptured my existence. Every seemingly unimportant moment was one more stroke of the mallet that chiseled the whole; each leading to the next.
A bonding long in the making and one experienced through the centuries, exists between the writer and the teller of this tale. It is one so filled with obsession of purpose that its very essence is obsession itself. I live again the wonder and perils, the love and weight of all I was given to be!
I loved him! Would I have loved him less, with the knowledge of what was to come? His love for me obscured his vision of the course our lives began to take. He had traveled the road. I was in virgin territory.
The fateful journey w
e shared together was but the result of a plan set in motion long before. Hadrian became enmeshed in the role that was first laid on him by those who sought his favor and of those who truly saw his greatness. He became less the man and more the god.
Hadrian was worshipped. He was honored. He was elevated to heights which would make most men lose sight of the earth upon which they stood. He held back from these excesses, at first. Like no other Emperor, Hadrian became a god on earth. He was mighty Zeus, lord of all. He was the radiant Helios, light of the world. He represented the giver of life and of love, Dionysos. And in this aspect he filled me with this god's gifts. But to many he was Mars, god of the underworld, filled with anger. All these elements were within him and he radiated a "wholeness" of spirit that seemed to be his model for the unity he sought to instill throughout the Empire.
As he united these contrasts of spirit, so too, he sought to unite the contrasts of the Empire into something which would reflect flexibility and consistency. Through restless activity he painstakingly worked to bring unity where diversity cleaved progress. He was present everywhere. Hadrian sought understanding in everything. He breathed life into dying cities and brought forth new life where none had existed. He created the means by which those who had no prospects of a fruitful future were able to realize their dreams. And in all of this he found the time to take an obscure boy from a little-known region of the Empire, under his wing. With love and kindness, he was able to nurture this boy so that soon, a wondrous soul was liberated.