by Ceves, Nina
“I can’t even,” whispered Scott. “I mean, we wanted to become parents for so long. It sounds like you had this sudden decision to make, like it must have felt as though it came out of the blue.”
“Out of the blue, you got that right,” grinned Daniel. Then his expression became thoughtful, almost sad. “But I can’t even imagine how she felt. She never expected… she didn’t know what to do. It wasn’t as if she thought she would even have my support, you know? But… it all worked out.”
“Do you have family who can help you?” Patrick took the empty bottle from Daniel’s hand. “I’ll wash it for you in a minute.”
“Thanks. Well, no. No family nearby. At first, I thought I would. I had a cousin and his family, but they had to move.” He looked down at Elijah’s peaceful face. “His mother used to get these emails, you know? When she was pregnant. About what stage of development Elijah was at. It was too hard for her. So, she deleted her account but set me up with it. So there I was, trying to make arrangements to become a father, totally rearranging my life, and I would get these notices that came to my phone, telling me how big Elijah was, and what organs were growing and everything. I just remember that.”
“Are the two of you in touch often?” Scott asked tentatively.
“No. Not at all. She wanted to move on, focus on medical school. She is going to become a doctor who helps people who have cancer. An oncologist, or someone dedicated to focusing on research. To help find a cure for cancer. She said if Elijah wants to meet her when he is eighteen, then she’ll be open to it, but meantime, like I said, she just wanted to move forward.”
He looked at Alma, who was looking at the quilt, tracing a pattern with her index finger. He hoped he hadn’t overwhelmed her with the information about how he had become a father. He didn’t think it showed him in a very good light. He struggled with the sense of shame that rose, filling his chest and throat. Alma kept looking down, her hair sliding forward to hide her face. Damn. Here he was, his baby in his arms. He wouldn’t have his life any other way, but right now, he wished he was alone with Alma. He wanted to look in her eyes, wanted to make her laugh. And he wanted to kiss her, hold her close. Would he ever get the chance?
Last time he had kissed a woman, before kissing Alma last weekend, that same night he had gotten her pregnant, although he had not known it at the time. Jessica. Elijah’s mother. She had been in town, part of a wedding party for a college friend. Daniel had met her at a bar where she was at the bachelorette party. Daniel was out with some guys after work, having some beers. Their eyes had met, she had grinned, and then made her way over to him. They had ended up going back to her hotel room. Daniel had been thrilled. She had party favor condoms and although it was clear she was there just for the weekend, she was bright and sweet and funny, and they had had an unexpected night of instantaneous attraction and affection. They had made half-hearted assertions that they’d keep in touch, the next morning, groggy and achy headed. Daniel had texted her a couple of days later, asking how the wedding was and saying how great it had been to meet her. He found himself wishing she lived nearby, but she lived in a small town in New York state. He had thought about her a lot. It would have been great if he could see her again. She wrote back a couple of days later, saying it had been so nice to meet him as well. They exchanged few texts more over the next few weeks, feeling more and more disconnected. That was it, until four months later. All their half remembered lighthearted, sweet attraction was immediately quenched in the tense, miserable, confused conversations that followed: Jessica was pregnant. The condom must have been defective. Neither of them could recall it tearing. They would have remembered that for sure. But, it had happened. She had been accepted to medical school and couldn’t imagine becoming a mother. She would be registering with an adoption agency. She had broken up with someone before her trip to Albuquerque. She and her ex boyfriend had started talking again, when she got back. They wondered if they should give their relationship another chance. Then: this. Pregnant. Daniel and Jessica had awkward conversations full of defensiveness about the issue of whether or not Daniel was truly the father. Finally, crying, Jessica had described in detail how she and her ex boyfriend had broken up two months before her trip to Albuquerque, and how she hadn’t slept with anyone else. In fact, Daniel was the second person she had ever had sex with. Daniel had felt awful. It was the worst conversation ever. He awkwardly heard himself asking her to marry him, if she wanted to. He reminded her of how they had fell so effortlessly in bed, how they had seemed to like one another. Maybe they could build on that, with a baby on the way. To his dismay, she grew angry, and hostile. Her feelings were hurt. She felt she had acted wrongly in being intimate with him, and she still had feelings for her ex boyfriend, even though things were confused and complicated.
In all the shock, shame, and sadness, one feeling had grown stronger and stronger for Daniel. It was a feeling of: no. No, don’t give the baby up. Our baby. My baby. While there would be a loving couple out there who would provide a home, no. While they would be sure to have more resources than Daniel: no. Maybe it was just how he was made. Maybe it was because he had strong and complicated feelings about fathers and family, loss and love. Whatever the causes or reasons: no. He would take the baby that they made that sweet, hot night. That bright green party favor condom: he should have known. He said he was sorry, so sorry. He got a girl pregnant. He couldn’t get over the feeling of guilt and shame.
He wished that they had been able to recover some of their casual, laughter-filled conversation that he remembered from that one night. But it was all awkward. They had further conversations that felt strained and full of confusion but none as bad as the fatherhood one. It was all made worse by the fact that Jessica was incredibly ill with morning sickness: morning, noon, and night sickness, she called it. She eventually was put on a medication to control her symptoms, but she never felt completely well. And she was miserable about her ex boyfriend, who she was still talking to. Things were still complicated.
When Daniel had flown up to New York, he had realized he would not have recognized her. She was so pale and serious in the hospital bed, Daniel’s heart felt as though it broke, seeing her. He sat on a chair that he pulled close to her bed as her parents left the room. They had looked shell shocked. He felt so ashamed. Jessica could barely look at him, but when she did, her eyes were clear, resolute.
“I don’t know how I know, but I know. You’ll be a good father. I hope you’ll forgive me, someday.”
“Forgive you?” Daniel was incredulous. “For what? You’ve done nothing wrong.”
“For being so stupid about the condom. For not having back up protection. For not…” Here her voice faltered. She took a deep breath. “For not being able to be his mom. For not having any money to give you. My parents… we’re not well off, by any means.”
“I get it. No, it’s… it’s okay, Jessica. You’ve got plans. You’ll have another shot at all of this. For now, you want to make your dreams come true. I should have known not to trust a green condom.”
“Wasn’t it pink?” She almost smiled, but she had tears in her eyes by then.
“I’m so sorry.” Daniel went to reach for her hand, then let his hand fall to his side when she made no move toward him, and she kept her eyes on the window.
He felt like crying, seeing her look so serious and pale, staring out the window. He got up and shoved his hands in his pockets. “I hope you feel… better.” He didn’t know what he was saying, felt like a jerk. She nodded, kept her head turned away. “Bye, Daniel.”
“Bye. I’m so sorry, Jessica.” He went out into the hallway, tears blinding his eyes.
Her parents were there, looking lost, ill, as though they hadn’t slept in months.
“We can’t… we don’t want to see him or hold him,” confided the mother, her voice trembling. “It would be too hard. We just want what’s best for him, and for Jessie. She has a scholarship. She has been working her whole life…�
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The father was silent, looking at some point down the hallway as though he was looking miles into the distance.
“She… She is going to save lives one day. I’ll take care of our… my son.” Daniel didn’t know what else to say. He wanted to comfort them, apologize, but he was feeling all over the place, knowing his life was going to change more than he could fathom. Had already changed. Was changing with every second. Jessica’s mother pressed a bag in his hands and turned away. Later, in New Mexico, he found several baby outfits and blankets, and a check for three hundred dollars. That was the last contact he had had with them. He had communicated a few more times with the lawyer who had helped them, and that had been it.
At the hospital, a social worker came up to Daniel, ready to take him to the nursery. The parents turned away. The next few minutes were always a blur in his memory until the moment he saw Elijah. That moment was in perfect focus. A little bundle, a swaddled little person in a bassinet. A nurse picked him up and handed him to Daniel, who took him, holding him close. Daniel didn’t remember how to breathe. He stared down into the face of his son, who squinted up at him, blinking. It was as though Elijah was trying to keep his sleepy eyes open, although the light was bright and it was difficult. Daniel was shocked by this and by the sense he had that this person, who had been a concept, was truly and completely present, right in his arms. All of Daniel’s worries melted away for a moment because this baby was a miracle. Their eyes locked on each other, and everything got very strange for Daniel for one pure moment. He felt as though he knew Elijah, and felt as though Elijah knew him. Love slammed into him, complete, unconditional love. Elijah made a snuffling kind of sound.
“Is he okay?” Daniel looked at the nurse, alarmed.
“He is.” The nurse smiled. “Seven pounds, six ounces. Congratulations, dad, you’ve got a healthy baby boy. Do you have a name picked out?”
“He’s Elijah,” said Daniel, looking back down at Elijah, who had closed his eyes. “Elijah John Rourke.” Daniel’s mother had been named Jeanne, and he guessed John was the closest male name to it.
Disjointed memories followed, of being given a crash course in newborn baby care. The flight back to Albuquerque. Coming home, where he had been living with his cousin’s family. That first night, when Elijah stayed awake more than he slept, and then the day, where he slept continuously, except for when he drank from his bottle. Everything had changed. Just like that.
* * *
Alma looked at Daniel, who was watching his little son sleep. She felt so much, she could barely keep her expression in check. She had imagined he had an ex wife or an ex girlfriend in the background. Instead, he had stepped up and done the right thing, and it was obvious to anyone who looked at him how deeply he loved Elijah. He was on his own, it was just the two of them. She couldn’t imagine it. She had thought about getting a kitten from the local animal shelter and had felt stressed before she had abandoned the idea: what if he got sick? Ran away? She had imagined herself sobbing, posting posters about the lost kitten everywhere and decided, no. It was too risky, being so vulnerable and loving someone so tiny and precious.
It was clear Daniel had nothing but respect toward the woman who was Elijah’s mother. Alma wondered if he missed her, if he wished the two of them could have made it work and were together, maybe married, raising Elijah together. She was overwhelmed with the red hot feeling of jealousy that churned in her stomach. Daniel looked up and right at her. She felt her cheeks warm and she smiled, feeling awkward. He smiled back. To Alma, it was the sweetest, sexiest smile she had ever seen in her life. It started in his eyes. They had looked up and into hers, looking as though there was a question in their depths. At her smile, awkward and hesitating as it was, he seemed to find something that made him feel happy. A spark had kindled in his eyes, the smile grew from there while he looked right at her, right into her eyes. Her stomach dipped and flipped and her cheeks felt even hotter. She looked down for a moment, blinking. She could tell he was still looking at her. She looked back up, slowly. He was. He was still smiling, but softer now. She bit her lip, smiling back, looking away at the boys in the sandbox. She could feel him still looking at her and she looked back. He was. He nodded once, and she nodded back. She felt as though they had just agreed upon something, but it was something that was nameless. She felt as though he had seen something within her, something that made him smile. And that maybe he had felt she saw something in him, too.
Jasmine squealed suddenly, patting a soft toy that had a mirror embedded in it. Elijah startled and whimpered.
“Hey, buddy. Hey there, little man. It’s okay.” Daniel held him close and whispered.
Elijah struggled to look around. It was comical how surprised he looked, gazing around in wonder, as if to say, where am I?
“Papi, remember? You are visiting your new friends? It’s a party, remember?” Alma leaned toward him. With Elijah, she found herself forgetting that she knew nothing about babies. She only wanted to connect with him, communicate, and reassure him. She forgot that she was afraid of loving someone small and vulnerable.
He looked at her and smiled. She could see a few teeth in his pink gums. He was so adorable. She held out her arms and he leaned into them. Holding him close, she breathed in his sweet baby boy scent that was partly some kind of baby shampoo, like apricots and vanilla, and part pure baby freshness. She stroked his bare arms. He was wearing a blue and white striped shirt with a train on it.
“His arms are so soft,” she said, in wonder. “It’s like… it’s like air. It’s like nothing!”
Patrick and Scott burst out laughing and she shook her head, feeling shy. But when she glanced at Daniel, he was nodding. “I thought the same thing,” he said in his quiet, rough voice.
Chapter Fifteen
Later, Scott called her. She was sitting with her feet up, on her patio, eating one of the cookies that Patrick had sent home with her. They were perfect. She had her laptop open in front of her, but she was not looking at the screen.
“First of all: did he cry all the way home?”
Elijah had done admirably well with such disrupted naps, smiling at Jasmine, sitting on Daniel’s lap while they all ate brunch in the living room. But as the afternoon wore on, he had started to fuss. Daniel had apologized, saying he knew he needed to get Elijah home. His fussing had turned into cries of rage and misery when Daniel had attempted to put him in his car seat. He had arched back.
“He’s so strong,” Alma had said, shocked, watching Daniel try over and over again to gently put the baby into the car seat.
“Ah the old arch the back trick,” said Patrick, wincing.
“We’ll leave you to it,” said Scott.
“Sugar-teat!” Meemaw called gently from a window. “Fix him right up!”
Over Elijah’s yells, they had all said good-bye and thank you and nice to meet you. Eventually, by doing a little dance around the car with Elijah in his arms, and singing a song, Elijah had calmed down enough for Daniel to get him strapped in. Once Elijah found that he was stuck, though, he began to roar with rage. Daniel drove Alma home, and they said a quick goodbye, and she had watched them drive away. Alma explained all this to Scott who made sympathetic noises.
“Okay, second: how do I put this? Ah. Yum?” He sighed.
Alma laughed.
“Seriously though!”
“So much, right?” Alma sighed, looking up into the sky.
“And the two of you, wow.”
“What?”
“Chemistry!” Scott sang the word.
“Really?”
“You must feel it.”
“You think he likes me?”
“What is this, middle school? Of course it is. We never grow out of that. Yes! Oh my gosh, princess, yes! He is so into you. His eyes just light up. And his lion voice gets even more lion-y whenever he talks just to you.”
“It does?” She was thrilled, absolutely thrilled.
“Mm hm.” He was
quiet for a few moments, and when he spoke, his voice was softer and more serious. “So. About the whole package deal. What do you think about that? How are you feeling?”
“You mean because he has a baby?” Alma knew that is what he meant. She was buying some time, stalling. He waited. “It scares me.”
“The idea of having a child suddenly in your life? Yeah, it’s a big deal.” He sighed.
“Actually, no, that’s not it, really, although that’s huge, yes. It’s more that at first, he was this vague idea. Then I met him. I mean Elijah, of course. I heard about him, that was one thing, the idea of him. Then, meeting him. He is this entire little person! I feel that I could love him. He could steal my heart, just like that. And then… what if things didn’t work out with Daniel? I know I’m jumping way ahead of myself. But how could I do otherwise?”
“No, I understand, completely.” He was quiet again. “For him, too. I saw how he looked at you. Elijah. Gosh, what a sweetheart. He looked as though he were falling for you, too.”
* * *
It was Monday evening. Daniel stood in the living room and stretched his back out, wincing. He looked around, hands on his hips. He had been on such a high yesterday and this morning, his thoughts full of Alma. Now, it was as though the bubble had burst. His little rental house was in chaos. Clothes in a big pile needed to be put away and another needed to be hauled to the laundromat. Dishes filled the sink from breakfast and from their dinner. Toys were on the floor and the floor needed to be vacuumed, but Elijah was asleep, so that would have to wait.
And Daniel was weary with a bone deep exhaustion that was half pain. He had been hired for the day at a construction site where he had to do a massive clean up of heavy rubble. He was so grateful for the full day’s work. He worked on call ever since he had needed time off to go get Elijah in New York. His boss at that time had said his job wouldn’t be waiting when he came back. Then, he needed to work out child care and a living situation, when things with his cousin’s family didn’t work out. He was hoping for a full time job again, but meantime, tried to get on call work every day. This couldn’t be it, though. What if he got injured one of these days on a job? He needed to not just work day to day, but focus on a career.